I've finally let go, and I'm free

[meoww]

My past relationships have been so unfulfilling and dysfunctional because I didn't heal from childhood abuse I endured from both my parents for a long time. I was in relationships with people I didn't have feelings for because I just needed the security so badly. I was really desperate for the love I never had. I was codependent and completely fixated on finding a husband so that I could have the family I never had. I finally realized I can't go back in time and make that happen for me, but I can try to live like the vibrant, educated and passionate person I have always wanted to be.

 

It took me over a year, I had to drop everything in my life and move away and just process and grieve. It was the worst thing I ever endured in my life. I realized the abuse was much worse that I ever let on, even to myself. I no longer have any expectations about my family life, or hopes that it will improve. You have no idea how much I wanted to save my relationships with my parents but they are really bad people. They are just the most irrational, emotion-driven and violent people.

 

I don't feel like it's necessary to go into to details about what I experienced but I was a second wife to my father, a punching bag (literally) for my mother, and constantly neglected and assaulted during childhood. I was also belittled constantly and told I was stuck up and not good enough for the things I wanted in life. My father even tried to have me jailed after he attacked me in high school. I was battered in so many different ways, especially as a child. I don't even remember being a kid really.

 

Anyway, this isn't the only solution but to anyone who has experienced dehumanizing abuse, I just want to say that it's okay to hate them. It's okay to even wish they were dead or that you could kill them yourself (as long as you don't do it of course). It's okay to hate their guts.

 

I used to be so naive, I was told my childhood was very good and I believed it for so long. I believed that I was the source of the problems in my family but that was never true. I was honestly an uncommonly good child, probably because of the abuse (I had to learn early on to depend on friends and outside sources for comfort and companionship.)

 

It just feels so good to let it out. I used to think logic would fix all my problems with my family. If only they could understand why I didn't want to live an unhealthy lifestyle like them, or why I had different ambitions, I thought it could all be explained to them and then they would finally be at least somewhat supportive of me. I was really, really wrong.

 

I thought that they loved me, at least a little but now that I'm an adult, I see that they don't even care if I die. I cut contact with my father a few years ago and he never tried to contact me. My mother is openly jealous and hostile with me in private and pretends otherwise in public. They are just evil...I can't believe it. People like that are real. That was the biggest shock for me.

 

I always thought everything would be fixed by being optimistic but I was never really proactive in healing because I thought it would all just magically go away. I had a hard time coming to terms with a lot of other realities about the world after I realized this. I'm still an optimist but a much more effective one.

 

They have no power over me anymore and they know it. I was so afraid they would hurt me because I know that now but I think I could even survive that. I know I can survive anything now. It's a really powerful feeling!! Living well really is the best revenge. I learned a while ago that more violence wouldn't help anything because I'd still be left with all the scars even if they were dead and gone. I am a young woman, and I can have a normal life. I feel lucky for the gifts I have. I'm going to make it!! It's scary because the work I have now is even harder than coming to terms with the abuse, I have to go on despite the fact that I don't have any support and have to rely on my own judgment for all my decision making.

 

I can't wait until this time next year. Who knows what my life will be like. I'll finally be free of them forever and relying on myself the way I always knew I should. I hope by then I'll be able to say I'm part of a really interesting community and happy with the direction my life is headed in.

 

It's so nice to have the privilege of having long term goals. I was never allowed that. I know it's not going to be easy and that life is hard for everyone but I get to be normal!! It's so amazing.

[meoww]

More: I've been told by boyfriends in the past that I was 'fundamentally defective' or worse yet, that I blame my problems on 'other people', when I hadn't even actually grieved for my lost family and childhood. The latter came from an ex with a very privileged background who justified dumping me in the midst of finally dealing with all this, because I was supposedly lazy (another direct quote.) I felt so ashamed for so long when I shouldn't have. I can't believe I had such a strong attachment to someone who had such little empathy. He knew about my situation, yet he told others that I was lazy and couldn't keep up with his energy level or intelligence. I still think that was really low. These days, it actually turns out I have a lot more energy and varied interests than he does!

 

I understand why they were frustrated by my depression and self destructiveness but it's not like I was ever that active in destroying my life. I've never been a drug addict, alcoholic, or anything remotely like that. I have a normal sex life, and I have creative and intellectual pursuits. But I had major depression...and absolutely no family to speak of, I wasn't exactly raised in the most progressive environment either.

 

I'm finally taking responsibility for my own happiness though! I know I didn't deserve to be treated by my exs the way I was, but I know that I was also really difficult to deal with. I really feel like I'm capable of having a regular relationship with normal ups and downs now.

 

It's nice feeling like this time of intense self reflection is coming to a close. obviously, it never ends but my life overhaul and soul makeover is pretty much complete. It was kind of a dramatic period in my life, since I was so developmentally stunted. At least I'm starting to enjoy life again!

[Kitkat973]

Getting to the point where you can feel anger is a huge step.

 

For me, I was out of the abusive situation for five years before I could even start to put the blame on someone else but me. Finally starting to feel the fury was healing.

 

One thing to me, though. This post is about how this period in your life is over, and you've finished healing.

 

I don't know your progression. Only you know that. It's very hard to get completely past abuse, though. There will still be ways that what happened affect your life.

 

It's great that you've made it this far and that you're able to enjoy life again. Just... don't fall into the trap of expecting everything to be completely normal now.

[meoww]

Hi there, I appreciate your insight. I think you're probably right, I know I'd like more than anything to forget the past but some days are easier than others.

 

I was feeling really liberated because I finally broke some really toxic connections with my family that were slowly ruining my life. Being released from that has been this incredible experience and given me the freedom to live my own life for once.

 

But we'll see...I know I need a stronger support network than the one I have right now.

 

Thanks again for the reply.