An unusual situation involving rape.

[Perrin83]

Hey there, ENAers,

 

My girlfriend was raped by her first boyfriend quite some time ago..maybe 6 years or so.

 

What I don't understand is why she would still be in contact with him.

 

They're facebook friends, and they've talked since the rape. That seems pretty unhealthy, to me.

 

They haven't talked in a while, but when I brought up the fact that she might benefit from cutting all methods of communication between them, she didn't see why that would be necessary.

 

I'm pretty sure that her trauma has had a negative impact on her comfort with and desire for any intimate contact (beyond the standard peck on the lips before work and hug before bed), be it sexual, sensual or cuddling.

 

She claims that she's "dealt with it" without therapy, which I find hard to believe. I'm sure she's not lying, I just think she's convinced that she doesn't need anymore healing.

 

Any advice on what I can do/say to help her?

[Kitkat973]

Have you talked to her about how it's affecting the intimacy in your relationship?

[PhilliesFan001]

I was in that situation as well - for a long time I kept in touch with my abuser, pretending nothing had happened. We never spoke about it specifically, just life in general. It was unhealthy and I don't know why I did it...my justification was that he (my abuser) had been an important part of my life, who I'd also made good memories with, and for some bizarre reason I wanted to keep up the illusion that he was still the nice guy, rather than the bad one who had hurt me.

 

It was also to keep tabs on him - I was irrational and obsessive and constantly thought about him and the abuse. I wanted to know what he was doing, where he was, how he was living his life - I wanted to know if he was suffering like I was, if he thought about it, if he ever thought about how he'd hurt me. It was a messy thing to do, staying in touch.

 

Some people do heal properly on their own without therapy, but I myself am very skeptical...maybe she is telling the truth, but the fact that she's holding onto that relationship tells me she hasn't healed as much as she believes.

 

In the end what my fiance did was basically say to me that he couldn't help me through it until I stopped my unhealthy behavior and was ready to heal. I did cut off contact with the man after lots of fights and it was definitely a good decision. I'm not sure how you can get that accross to her though, aside from encouraging her to seek real help and realize what she's doing is dangerous for her mental health. Tell her it's affecting your relationship.

[Perrin83]

@KitKat

I have told her that I think that her rape is effecting our intimacy, on quite a few occasions. The thing is: I cant say, for sure, that the trauma is what is effecting our intimacy. I know that both hypersexuality and hyposexuality are common "results" of sexual trauma, and it seems that she is suffering from the latter.

 

@PhilliesFan

She tried counseling, but has gotten a series of horrid therapists, ruining the experience for her.

 

She said that due to the counseling experiences, the times that she's needed to talk about it, it was easiest to talk to him (the rapist).

 

Also, she met her abuser on an internet fan site for a music artist. She was in her mid-teens, and he was, I believe, in his late-teens to early 20's at the time. I'm pretty sure he "groomed" her, though she says they weren't sexual until she turned 18. Since they broke up, he has apparently continued to date women that were just barely legal, and god knows how many other women he's raped.

[FathomFear]

Also, she met her abuser on an internet fan site for a music artist. She was in her mid-teens, and he was, I believe, in his late-teens to early 20's at the time. I'm pretty sure he "groomed" her, though she says they weren't sexual until she turned 18. Since they broke up, he has apparently continued to date women that were just barely legal, and god knows how many other women he's raped.

 

If that's the case, I would be less concerned for your girlfriend and more concerned about ensuring that this guy is 1) brought to justice for what he did to your girlfriend, and 2) properly investigated. Am I correct in assuming that she's never pressed any sort of charges?

[Perrin83]

If that's the case, I would be less concerned for your girlfriend and more concerned about ensuring that this guy is 1) brought to justice for what he did to your girlfriend, and 2) properly investigated. Am I correct in assuming that she's never pressed any sort of charges?

 

She hasn't. She hasn't even told her mom about it. I think I'm the second person she's told.

[Gracelove]

Hey There Perrin83!

 

It isn't healthy that your girlfriend is still in touch with her first boyfriend who raped her. Talking to him may bring her some sort of comfort. Maybe talking to him humanizes him, so she won't feel terrorized by the monstrous image she has of him in her head.

 

Also, there's this werid power thing when it comes to rape. The rapist has all power in that moment, he's the one in control. The person being raped experiences complete helplessness. She's at the mercy of a maniac.

Talking to him, is a choice she's making, maybe it's her way of gaining power back. Maybe she feels a bit strong when she talks to him, like she's not totally on the losing end. She had no voice when she was raped, he took that from her. Maybe using her voice (to talk to him), and having him listen (or pretend to listen), gives her a false sense of regaining something she lost during the rape.

 

Eventually she'll realize talking to him won't do her any good. Talking to him won't make the rape go away. Talking to him won't prevent her from having to go through the difficult process of recovery.

 

It sounds like she's hoping, open communication with him, will somehow make things better....it won't.