lifeisaparadox Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 My bf and his ex were together for a very long time and it is still obvious that she loves him. They've been broken up for about a year, though and have been talking from time to time since their break up. They were talking during the time my bf and I were in the "dating/getting to know you" stages. They were sort of talking in the beginning of our relationship as well, and it did irk me a little knowing that they were /still/ talking, but I said I wouldn't mind as long as he was honest to me, as in, if he still has feelings for her, then I'd rather him break up with me, since I know it's possible to talk to your ex without any feelings. Anyhow, he promised me that I was the one girl in his life and that I had nothing to worry about. This kept my mind at peace. About a week later, he told me that he was on the phone with his ex before he called me. When I asked why, he told me he had decided to say a final "goodbye" to his ex and that was that. Just to let you guys know, I did /not/ tell him, EVER, that he couldn't talk to his ex or that I wish he wouldn't talk to her. Even after he told me this, I reminded him that he doesn't have to cut off contact with her because of me and that I hope he didn't think I gave that impression. He reassured me that it was his own choice and that was that. I find out about a month later that he checked up on her to see how she was doing. I found out by accident, as I was signing off on his e-mail so I could get on mine and saw her name and curiosity got to me. I thought it was very sweet, but when I read /her/ she said something along the lines of "one day we'll have the courage to talk again." The implication of her reply told me that she still has feelings for him (it's very apparent she does from the earlier sentences of her reply), as well as HE still has feelings for HER. And she is 100% sure that in the future, they will be talking again once "things go wrong in his life," because apparently "they can't ever let go of each other completely." I started thinking that, what if, in the back of his mind, he still loves her but is too pained to be with her, and that is why he cut off contact so suddenly? And then he was caring enough to check up on her. Is it possible that he may still be in love with her? Or is this, maybe, just a one-sided love? Rationally, thinking though, I may be just overreacting and being silly and that he's just a really caring person in general. I just get very insecure over his ex because they had such a strong history together and in the past, he always went back to her. She cheated on him multiple times, he went back to her. Even after they broke up, they were still talking. What do you guys think? Link to comment
myhonestanswer Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 You know everything you need to know already, from your relationship. Does it seem like his heart is in it? Does he treat you well? Does he often seem to wish he was elsewhere? Like his mind is on other things? Just because she has feeling for him, doesn't mean he still has feelings for her. Nor does it mean he doesn't. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 So my understanding is that you and your boyfriend agreed that he could communicate with his ex as long as he told you about it; is that correct? I ask this because if that was your agreement he did not keep his promise about that because of the e-mail that you discovered that he sent to her.....is this what bothers you? Link to comment
lifeisaparadox Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 You know everything you need to know already, from your relationship. Does it seem like his heart is in it? Does he treat you well? Does he often seem to wish he was elsewhere? Like his mind is on other things? Just because she has feeling for him, doesn't mean he still has feelings for her. Nor does it mean he doesn't. He treats me well and he is an amazing guy and a great boyfriend. We have a great relationship so far and it doesn't really /seem/ like his mind wanders or that he wishes to be somewhere else. He always says that I'm the only girl for him, that I'm perfect, I love you, etc. at random moments and it /is/ pretty reassuring. But despite that, there is always a little hint of doubt that runs through my head. @chitown9: I am a little irked that he didn't tell me he contacted her, but it was a very trivial "How are you holding up? I hope you're fine" message so I see why he didn't really mention it. It was her reply that really got to me. She sounded so sure that he still loved her back and that they will end up together in the end, now just isn't the time. I get worried because she's known him so, so, SO much longer than I have, and probably knows him much better as a person too, considering how long they were together. Basically, I am just asking, as an outsider's PoV, would his actions say that he's just being caring or that he still has feelings for her? Link to comment
elcie Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Just curious, how long after the break-up did you get together with your bf? Link to comment
top bloke Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 You gave him permission to still talk to her and he still is in contact with her. Think about it..would you talk to your ex if you loved the person you were with? No. He still hasnt let go and its affecting you. If its over then it should be over..if not then its not.. He needs to make a choice and you have to stop being so lenient..If he feels the need to contact her then he needs to man up and choose. Link to comment
mrwebcam Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 To me it seems like he never got to heal from his past relationship and got involved in a relationship with you. He is pre occupying his emotions by being in a relationship. Maybe you two should take a break until he is fully committed to you and he has healed from his ex. Why go through a relationship with the what ifs and what he is thinking about his ex Link to comment
chitown9 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Just curious, how long after the break-up did you get together with your bf? Yes, OP, please answer this question. We are asking this question for a reeason... Link to comment
lifeisaparadox Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 Just curious, how long after the break-up did you get together with your bf? They were on/off for about the last 2 years of their relationship. And I think the last official "break-up" was roughly a year + 3 months before we got together. Even after the break-up though, I know they still talked and argued as if they were still together, and when THAT stopped, I don't really know. Edit: His friends just recently informed me that the talking to his ex got a lot less frequent (like a 2-3 times a month as opposed to couples times a week) when I came into his life and that their relationship was rocky for the last 3 years. So I guess that may say something? Link to comment
chitown9 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 They were on/off for about the last 2 years of their relationship. And I think the last official "break-up" was roughly a year + 3 months before we got together. Even after the break-up though, I know they still talked and argued as if they were still together, and when THAT stopped, I don't really know. Edit: His friends just recently informed me that the talking to his ex got a lot less frequent (like a 2-3 times a month as opposed to couples times a week) when I came into his life and that their relationship was rocky for the last 3 years. So I guess that may say something? Ok. Then you were clearly not a rebound from his breakup. I personally don't think that you have anything to worry about. If you still have nagging doubts, why don't you point blank ask him if he would ever go back with her? His ex can think and hope all she wants that they will be reunited; however, it takes two to tango. If it is a NO GO from your boyfriend it just ain't goin a happen .... Link to comment
camus154 Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Personally, I don't think there's any reason he and his ex need to be in contact AT ALL. He doesn't owe her the occasional "how are you holding up" crap--that's unfair to her just as much as it is to you. Why did he feel the need to "check up on her" again after telling you he made his final goodbye to her on the phone? Your boyfriend is choosing to maintain some sort of contact with his ex, and she is clearly eating that up in hopes that he'll be available again. And he knows it. That should bother you. Link to comment
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