Women: Showing your man you need him

[Celadon]

This is particularly for women who consider themselves fairly independent. I recently noticed that my bf's energy level and engagement with me shot up tremendously when I asked him for help with something. It's kind of a rule of thumb that men enjoy it when women show them they're needed, but I'd never realized how much it can affect a guy until this experience with my bf.

 

I consider myself an independent woman since I've supported myself and been solely responsible for myself for years. So I wanted to ask other independent women how you find ways to "need" your bf, or communicate to your bf that you need him?

 

Funny thing is, I try NOT to be the problematic, whiny gf because I don't want to turn him off. There's a lesson in here somewhere for me...

[rosephase]

I find "need" a problematic word. I want my boyfriend. I choose my boyfriend. For some reason that means more to me then needing. If I "need" you it seems to take the choice out of it. I don't need him. I love him. There are a ton of things he helps me with and a really enjoy that he helps me, but relationships based out of need freak me out a little.

[blackhawks1287]

I can attest to this.

 

Not so much the needing part, but I definitely get turned on when a woman is assertive in telling me something that she needs help with or wants out of me ya know?

 

I am not talking about clingy behavior, but a more forward expression that he is wanted, included, needed...I will agree that that is a huge turn on and you would see a lot more commitment. A lot of women I have perceived, and correct me if I am wrong, simply want their boyfriend to "want" to do those things naturally without actually telling him and expressing it to him ya know? Like a girl saying "I want him to want to do it for me, I don't want to have to ask..." That is such a ball busting statement and quite frankly a big pain in the ass.

 

I think my view is what she means, and I can totally agree. Speak up women!

[annie24]

I agree. I've asked for a guy to help me fix something around my house, or move or whatever. something that either i don't know how to do, or it's a 2 person job. i agree that it yields positive results.

[Oneironaut]

My boyfriend is kind of "old school", and he likes it when I show that I need help with something, especially related to technical or financial issues, which he is MUCH better at than me, lol...there have been a few times where I was having a major problem that he couldn't help me with, and I noticed that it kind of brought him down.

 

I used to be clingy and overly needy in the past, but that is something I have managed to work on and put behind me. There is a tremendous difference between being "needy" and making someone feel "needed"...it's a fine line, but I think I finally found it.

[Keyman]

I have to say that I have had issues with this with my current partner. The need to feel like I'm useful in some parts. I think it is built into the male psyche to want to be useful to our partners. And yes, when my partner asks for help, I am sure my eyes light up.

 

My partner is an independent woman, and I love that about her. It's great that she is self sufficient and can do everything herself, although it has made me feel somewhat useless at times. What I have come to understand is that I am used to working in a group towards a common goal (I'm a project manager) I'm not scared to delegate, I know who is best for each duty, know where to push people to get them motivated or help them learn. She, however, prefers to work alone - it's easier to do it herself, because she's not so good at thinking outside the circle in this way. Yes, I want her to 'need me', to ask me to do things for her as this makes me feel like she wants me around and finds me useful. But I have taken to just jumping in and helping her with things and she loves that. I feel like I am bullying my way in, but she sees it differently.

 

As time goes on she will learn to ask more...

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm really bad when it comes to technology and -thankfully - my fiance is a techno geek. I will admit there may have been a time or two I said I didn't know how to do something but I did, but I wanted him to have that feeling of knowing that I DO need him in my life. We had a bug problem at my house last week and I asked him how to fix it - small stuff like that.

[Celadon]

I find "need" a problematic word. I want my boyfriend. I choose my boyfriend. For some reason that means more to me then needing. If I "need" you it seems to take the choice out of it. I don't need him. I love him. There are a ton of things he helps me with and a really enjoy that he helps me, but relationships based out of need freak me out a little.

I think I see what you mean. "Need" is involuntary and non-romantic. It suggests co-dependence, even. But in using the word "need," I was referring to what I've heard from others, that men want to feel "needed." Perhaps want to feel "wanted" would be a better description. Really what it boils down to is the woman, when facing a problem, chooses to call upon her bf instead of either trying to figure it out herself or asking someone else. It suggests a dependence and a way for a man to prove his worth, which seems to be important to some men.

 

 

I can attest to this.

 

Not so much the needing part, but I definitely get turned on when a woman is assertive in telling me something that she needs help with or wants out of me ya know?

 

I am not talking about clingy behavior, but a more forward expression that he is wanted, included, needed...I will agree that that is a huge turn on and you would see a lot more commitment. A lot of women I have perceived, and correct me if I am wrong, simply want their boyfriend to "want" to do those things naturally without actually telling him and expressing it to him ya know? Like a girl saying "I want him to want to do it for me, I don't want to have to ask..." That is such a ball busting statement and quite frankly a big pain in the ass.

 

I think my view is what she means, and I can totally agree. Speak up women!

Oh yes, women do want men to be attentive to their needs and to "Just do" what the women want done. I'm like that at times. I was with my bf in a store a few months ago, and as we were leaving, I saw an item that I needed for my house. I mentioned it to him, but I didn't buy it then. Honestly, I hoped that he would buy it for me, knowing that I wanted it. But he didn't. I *could* have told him it would be a nice present (he buys chocolate and flowers and other things), but I wanted him to get it without me having to say so. It's more romantic that way.

 

That's a little different than calling him up in an emergency and telling him my refrigerator has stopped working and asking for his help. I wouldn't hesitate to do that. I think there are probably other, less-urgent things that I need help with that he could get involved with. But I have a hard time coming up with many of them, which is why I wanted to know what kind of help other women ask for. I am (fortunately/unfortunately) more skilled than he is at computers, and we don't talk about finances much.

[Zoom2]

i was always told that this is the case with men, however, one time we were watching a chick flick and this topic came up in the movie, and my boyfriend told me he doesnt get off from being needed. Which explains why he got annoyed when he has to do something for me...like putting our bikes up on the bike rack on his car roof....he would get annoyed and say something like "as usual, i have to do everything...." (which is not true, i am very independent and hardly ask him to do anything for me)......he hardly helps me carry the bike up and down the bike rack at home...i am a very small person and it is a struggle for me to handle a heavy bike....however, his theory is, i have to learn how to take care of myself. (despite the fact that i have a good job, am financially and emotionally very independent and never asked him to do anything for me). I just have one conclusion for his behavior. He doesnt love me enough to want to do something for me.....i think a man wants to feel needed when he really loves someone.

[Celadon]

...i think a man wants to feel needed when he really loves someone.

Hm ... men, is this so? (Sorry to hear your guy isn't very helpful, Zoom2.)

[thejigsup]

I've had men love it and i've had men think it's a pain. I never let a man know I need or depend on him for anything, and most of the time I don't. I DO let a man know that I want him very, very, much just the way he is and that works wonders for a relationship. I have helped men with tech and household problems just as much as they have helped me, so I can't say I need a man. Sure do like 'em, though.

[annie24]

he just kind of sounds like a jerk,.....

[blackhawks1287]

I DO let a man know that I want him very, very, much just the way he is and that works wonders for a relationship.

 

Hard to find these days

[blackhawks1287]

he just kind of sounds like a jerk,.....

 

agreed...to not lift heavy objects that you would normally have a hard time doing...? That is just plain rude...

[In the Dark]

Yes I like to be needed for things if they have troubles with whatever it may be.

 

But f the woman is rather independent I will understand the lack of needing help.

In those cases there are other ways to show a man is needed but not all men appreciate what I see as being needed.

 

I'm rather sentimental.

Handmade stuff writing, painting (no matter how ugly it maybe), goofy little things which have meaning make me feel needed.

[meoww]

Thanks for reminding me of this. I just started seeing someone new and since my last break up I've become so independent, it's almost like I forgot how to be vulnerable or something. Although I would never, ever go back to those codependent days, its important for me to remember to soften up a little.

[Kitkat973]

Hmm. I think that anyone likes to feel useful and that their skills are appreciated.

 

I admit to distracting my partner by presenting things in his terms, though. If I couch an issue as an engineering problem, I have a higher chance of him being willing to pitch in. I once got him to separate a dozen eggs for me by challenging him to engineer a better way to do it with what we had in our kitchen (which didn't include an egg separator.) It freed me up to work on the other stuff, and he walked away muttering and making complicated sketches until I took pity and guided him to Amazon.

 

After seeing egg separators, he said "oh" and lost all interest in the topic.

[Sambuca]

Ask him to open jars, or change a light bulb, or fix something small, or ask his advice on something. EVen if you can do all of those things yourself, pretend that you can't and ask him to help you. Then be extremely grateful and loving afterwards; tell him how smart he is, how good he is at fixing stuff. Sure, it's stupid when you could just do that stuff yourself, but for some reason it makes men really happy when they feel needed by a woman (you don't really need him to do that stuff, but he doesn't know that).

[In the Dark]

^^ It makes me happy even though I know it may not be true.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Isn't it annoying/sad that we have to dumb ourselves down sometimes to make guys happy/like us?

[mhowe]

It's not about dumbing down, it's about appreciation for their talents. For pity's sake, when you go to your gram's house and she insists on making you something to eat, are you dumbing down for her? No, it's about her wanting to take care of you, so you let her, because it makes her feel good about herself.

[Batya33]

This is particularly for women who consider themselves fairly independent. I recently noticed that my bf's energy level and engagement with me shot up tremendously when I asked him for help with something. It's kind of a rule of thumb that men enjoy it when women show them they're needed, but I'd never realized how much it can affect a guy until this experience with my bf.

 

I consider myself an independent woman since I've supported myself and been solely responsible for myself for years. So I wanted to ask other independent women how you find ways to "need" your bf, or communicate to your bf that you need him?

 

Funny thing is, I try NOT to be the problematic, whiny gf because I don't want to turn him off. There's a lesson in here somewhere for me...

 

It's about treating your SO as an individual and showing him you need him based on how he feels the most needed - if he feels like you're reacting to some tired old stereotype that likely will be a turn off. I show my husband I need him in many ways -even though I am a very independent person - I might share with him alternatives I've come up with as solutions to problems and ask what alternative he thinks is best, I might ask his opinion on something even though my mind is almost certainly made up (and this is to train myself to be as openminded as possible too), I call him just to share something funny that happened (often something our child did) so that he knows I need him to be included in my life (and also because it's fun to share with someone who you know gets the joke). I try to avoid the strident "I can do it myself" or similar stuff based just on pride when to admit vulnerability would be more of a win-win.

 

I try to avoid behaviors that are some kind of "test" or based on assumptions about "all men".

[In the Dark]

Isn't it annoying/sad that we have to dumb ourselves down sometimes to make guys happy/like us?

 

Lol, you don't have to dumb yourself down.

If you do not want to behave this way there are other ways of showing appreciation without acting like you can not do certain tasks.

I have mentioned some of them in my first post.

I have enough intuition to know whether a woman can do something but would rather have me do it.

 

A good example was pretty recent but this was more related with flirting.

A female I barely knew asked me to put a plaster on her index finger because she had a rubber glove on the other hand which had something on it.

She could have simply removed her rubber glove and placed the plaster on her finger then get a new set of rubber gloves.

I could have even told her this, but the chances are it would make me come off as stuck up.

[OptomisticGirl]

Isn't it annoying/sad that we have to dumb ourselves down sometimes to make guys happy/like us?

 

Whoever said anything about dumbing ourselves down? If they are with us they already like us - an odd 'hunny, I have no idea how to do this!' every now and then to stroke their ego doesn't make me come accross as a bumbling bimbo. I know I sure as heck like my ego being stroked by my fiance, why would I not do the same for him?

 

The first time I cooked for my fiance and he told me he liked it, I loved that. I suck at cooking but knowing HE liked my cooking, meant the world to me. And on that same trip we were walkign down this nature trail with natural streps from tree roots and such. When he stepped down before I did and then turned back and offered me his hand to help me down I could have smacked his hand away and told him I'm not a child, I can walk myself but it was sweet and it made me feel all womanly to let him do it.

[george237]

I'm opposite. I find it annoying when a girl can't do anything on her own. I will agree that at first it's cute and you feel wanted but after a while it gets annoying.