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His ex girlfriend is much more beautiful than I. How to cope?


iamtrying

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(note you everyone for responding to my friends last post from my account, in regards to her abusive relationship. Much appreciated!)

 

Hey ENA,

I have a serious problem with the way im thinking about my partners ex girlfriend. She is a stunner. She posses a unique beauty i have not seen anywhere before. Her eyes are an unimaginably perfect shape, so long and large, so dark and hypnotic. I would say like cleopatra type eyes, but HER eyes are so much more than that. Her skin is silken and creamy and polished to perfection. Such a beautiful milky pale colour, that adds to the beauty of her eyes. Her hair is a velvet soft black, and long, which just looks unbelievably good paired with everything else about her face thats amazing. She has such a perfect shaped nose, its gorgeous and so perfectly shaped. Her cheeks are high and perky and she has an incredible smile. Her lips are so unique when she smiles. Her face is also perfectly symmetrical, so this adds to her allure. Her profile view looks like it has been carved by angels. Her facial features and contours look as if theyve been drawn by a mastermind. She doesnt even look real. Ive never seen anyone so incredibly in all my life. It boggles my mind that she looks the way she does! Out of anyone that could have been his ex - millions and millions of other girls - why on earth did it have to be someone so beautiful and special looking, in a league of her own? Why! Its just not fair. I havent met her in real life, ive seen hundreds of photos of her though. No doubt she has an amazing charisma and charm as well. Apparently she is really intelligent also.

 

Great - I have to compare to someone THIS perfect. I just dont know what to do. I know one thing for sure, I feel really low, small, mediocre, hurt and hopeless. Looks arent everything, true. But when u look like her, she deserves to be noticed for this. Its like evrything about her is that much better than me. She left him, so therefore there isnt anything necessarily wrong with HER - she just didnt like HIM. He still loved her when we first got together, he hadnt seen her for two years. Even though he denies this. And for the first 6 months to a year we were together, occasionally he would brag about her. How smart she was, how everyone was obsessed with her, how beautiful she was, how many times they had sex, how great her style and taste was. EVERYTHING.

 

And i just STILL havent been able to get over her. All this time later. Out of anyone he could have been with, why someone like this? why.

 

God, i feel like a worm. Im nothing compared to her. Just dont know how to cope. I wonder if anyone can help.?

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I see myself everyday..Im looking at myself now. Crappy skin. Dull, rough texture, reddish tone. The complete opposite of hers. Crappy facial features. Small, blue shapeless eyes. Biggish nose, flared nostrils. Quite unsightly. Scraggy hair and hairline. Does nothing in my favour at all. Skinny flat face. Thin lips, weak chin. No cheeks. Horrible profile view. Lump on the end of my nose, almost resembles a pig. When i smile it actually makes me look alot worse. Smiling doesnt suit everybody. So i try not to smile. Weak facial features. Boring, average, dull. No strength or dazzle. Nothing. Unlike her. Im not really very intelligent, im not very special at all. Zero confidence, zero charisma. Anxiety disorders. No one really likes me, for my personality. Its just not that great, you know. I know what everyone is going to say, but really, sometimes this sort of this is a valid concern. I never used to care about such petty things. Until her.

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lol @ I Speak Jive now that's hilarious. OP Please stop. Really think about what your saying. There will be people in this world with have and have not with most of us being in the middle. The fact that you are with this guy and he is still talking about her in that respect, is suspect. It really seems like you have trouble managing your self-esteem but you know you aren't alone in that fight. This person seems to have so much power over you and they don't even know it.

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Beauty is subjective and is originated as thoughts in the individual's brain, you don't know if what your boyfriend saw in her is all the "perfection" you claim to see in her. You don't know either how your boyfriend perceives your own beauty, and what are his standards. For you to claim that he sees exactly what you are seeing, and his definition of "perfect beauty" is same as yours, you would need to also claim that you can read his mind and also perceive the world as he does.

Most men in the world have ex girlfriends, and if you compare to whatever woman (no matter race, age, body shape) you will always find something that could be perceived as "better" by YOU but not by the next person.

I won't tell you what is obvious, you have self esteem issues, I will tell you to change your way of thinking and ultimately your way of seeing things, otherwise you will suffer a lot in your lifetime.

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She seems all that physically yet she is your bf's ex.

 

Ex for a reason.

 

If I find someone attractive, get to know tham and find their behavior turns me off, then they turn me off, no questions asked.

 

As said above what someone finds attractive physically is subjective and usually we are our harshest critics.

Many of us are guilty of being far too critical of ourselves.

 

Chin up....she is your bf's ex.

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is it possible that there is some other problem in your relationship that is making you feel insecure?

 

I know, maybe she is just gorgeous and that's just it. But if he was truly supportive of you, I feel like you'd feel less threatened by her.

 

I know it also probably won't help much but I'm sure you are a beautiful and wonderful person!! I was kind of an unattractive child, but I've definitely learned looks are really, truly not everything and the good men know it. And like I said, you are probably being too critical of yourself. I've noticed a lot of men are much more forgiving of perceived flaws and prefer a variety of looks. Not just because they can't do any better either, beauty really is plentiful in the world...

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Maybe you are prettier than her? Ever thought about that?

 

There is a famous moviestar who everybody thinks of as the sexiest woman ever. I think she is rather ugly. Beauty is subjective. Ultimately the world is structured so that every women has some guy who is crazy about her.

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I think the biggest problem here is whether or not he still talks about her, even now. If so I would tell him that it bothers you and for him to please stop.

 

Another thing is that you seem also to forget about a persons kindness and warmth, you may be (and do seem) a lovely person. Looks mean very very little and goodness means a very very lot. And who are you to say you have charisma or aren't fun? It's hard to judge yourself when it comes to your own personality. Recently, for example someone told me I was an "interesting" person and I had no idea I was at all.. I thought the opposite in fact! Truth is, you never know what people really think of you.

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Agreed, I think the problem is that he acts like being with her was some kind of accomplishment, the last guy I dated who rated and ranked women in his head ended up being very calculating and untrustworthy.

 

You don't want to end up with someone who's first priority is maximizing at all costs. Those types can be a little ruthless...and not usually worth it anyway

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I think the real issues here are:

a) Your lack of self esteem and

b) The fact that you feel you are in some kind of competition with her.

 

Because of (a), this is a competition you will never win. But it's a competition which exists only in your imagination and you can throw it overboard as easily as you can throw overboard a belief in the tooth fairy, or Santa Claus (at least these two offer you something positive!).

 

The reality is that your boyfriend has chosen you as his partner. He obviously doesn't share your assessment of yourself and your looks, or he wouldn't be there. You are loyal, loving and emotionally present for him - she obviously wasn't, no matter how lovely she supposedly is. Or she'd still be with him.

 

In the past, I've had a couple of boyfriends who were so handsome that even straight men would describe them as 'devastatingly good-looking'. They were certainly not guys I'd be wanting to spend the rest of my life with, though - being physically attractive helps things along initially, but to sustain a relationship there needs to be a lot more than that. This was obviously not happening for your fella and his ex.

 

Please don't sabotage yourself and your relationship by all this negative talk. When you look in the mirror, tell yourself that you are beautiful - even if you don't believe it at first. When you say that his ex 'didn't look real', let yourself know that actually no human could measure up to the fantasy you have of her - and in that respect she isn't real. Let yourself know that this is YOUR fantasy, and not your boyfriend's.

 

And if there's anything you can do to help you feel better about the way you look - go for it, and enjoy!

 

Good luck!

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I must be the odd one out here, but I would find that situation too disheartening to be able to continue with. She left him, so there's no comfort there. If it was me, I would rather leave him and be with someone I felt more equal to myself, and avoid all that angst.

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lol @ I Speak Jive now that's hilarious. OP Please stop. Really think about what your saying. There will be people in this world with have and have not with most of us being in the middle. The fact that you are with this guy and he is still talking about her in that respect, is suspect. It really seems like you have trouble managing your self-esteem but you know you aren't alone in that fight. This person seems to have so much power over you and they don't even know it.

 

He doesnt talk about her like that anymore. He seems to think alot less of her these days than he did when when we were first together. Which leads me to think he still had a thing for her when we first got together. My self-esteem and confidence is extremely low right now i admit. I really feel hopeless. He doesnt know i feel this way about her. It would be too demeaning and embarrassing to admit. I dont want him to know how less i feel compared to her. That would make things worse. I have been thinking about it so much lately, and I just cant get any closure or accpetance. I feel so bad about myself. This is getting really obsessive and unhealthy i admit. The mention of her name, or seeing her, or him relaying a memory to me drives me CRAZY. I wish i didnt feel this way. Maybe if i myself has something special to work with, then i wouldnt feel as bad. But i truly feel hopeless.

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I agree with what you're saying. I know theres nothing i can do. I cant make her less beautiful, I cant make myself more. there is no point being the way i am being. I know alot of people wouldnt think she is beautiful, and would think i am etc. Beauty being in the eye of the beholder. But to me, she is amazing. I just dont know how to change my belief system and way of thinking about this. Just dont know...

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She seems all that physically yet she is your bf's ex.

 

Ex for a reason.

 

If I find someone attractive, get to know tham and find their behavior turns me off, then they turn me off, no questions asked.

 

As said above what someone finds attractive physically is subjective and usually we are our harshest critics.

Many of us are guilty of being far too critical of ourselves.

 

Chin up....she is your bf's ex.

 

She's his ex. But this wasnt his decision. Whos to say they wouldnt still be together if SHE didnt leave him. You know what i mean.. Ive found just because you're with somebody, it doesnt make you immune to certain things. I am very harsh and critical of myself. I dont know if that is neccessarily a bad thing?

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Okay. She's gorgeous.

 

What seems to be the real issue here to me is that you view yourself as in competition with her.

 

I am finding it hard to really understand and accept that i have 'lost' the battle of beauty. I know i shouldnt feel im in competition with her. But its a little too much to just dismiss. My self-esteem being so low doesnt help. She is always mentioned, all his hundreds of friends still know her. Everytime we go out she is always brought up. Every single time. Its like i cant escape her. He says its not his fault his friends bring her up, but to me it just goes to show what an impact she had on everyone. She knows ALL his friends, many i havent even met, many i continue to meet, and she is ALWAYS discussed. I feel like im living in her shadow, and i know they think of me as less than her. Not in a mean way, but naturally when they see me, the thought enters their mind that "oh shes not as good as his ex girlfriend."...I just feel like im living in her shadow. Everything comes back to her. All these years later. Everyone knows my boyfriend as "Jake and Samantha" Their names just go together like Romeo and Juliet. Its like im not even in the picture. When he catches up with friends he hasnt seen in many years and im with him, of course they know HER, and my bf introduces me to them as "his new girlfriend" Even though we have been together for 3 years!!! How am i his NEW girlfriend???? GRRRRrrr..It drives me insane, and cuts me deep.

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is it possible that there is some other problem in your relationship that is making you feel insecure?

 

I know, maybe she is just gorgeous and that's just it. But if he was truly supportive of you, I feel like you'd feel less threatened by her.

 

I know it also probably won't help much but I'm sure you are a beautiful and wonderful person!! I was kind of an unattractive child, but I've definitely learned looks are really, truly not everything and the good men know it. And like I said, you are probably being too critical of yourself. I've noticed a lot of men are much more forgiving of perceived flaws and prefer a variety of looks. Not just because they can't do any better either, beauty really is plentiful in the world...

 

Well there are a few problems. None that make me feel insecure though. Not like this. I dont believe he tries to make me feel insecure either. I NEVER used to be like this. I used to be happy with how i looked and thought i had character, and really truly believed that personality is ten times more beautiful than any face. I used to pride myself on having a beautiful personality. It used to mean everything to me. But ever since the reality of "her" has well and truly hit me, i feel utter despair and hopelessness. I feel a deep longing for what she has. And nothing hurts more knowing that SHE was with my boyfriend. I feel almost angry at him. I know this isnt fair. But i really feel i havent been put in a particularly fair situation anyway. God knows what he thinks to himself in private about me in comparison to her. I have actually NEVER asked him anything of the sort. It makes me anxious and sweaty just thinking about it. I honestly dont think i could handle knowing the truth, this is why i dont ask him. Id probably have a panic attack or something. My self-esteem is an issue. However, he has had many ex gf's i find to be attractive, even beautiful...and they dont bother me in the slightest. To be honest, I wouldnt even care if he still spent time with these girls. It wouldnt intimidate me in the slightest. Its just HER. I feel like throwing up and dying right now...i dont know what im going to do...

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Maybe you are prettier than her? Ever thought about that?

 

There is a famous moviestar who everybody thinks of as the sexiest woman ever. I think she is rather ugly. Beauty is subjective. Ultimately the world is structured so that every women has some guy who is crazy about her.

 

I totally agree. Most people/celebrities that the general public think to be so beautiful, i find to be boring, average, overrated and sometimes ugly. It makes me angry at times that most people are so visually illiterate and their taste is just so mediocre. I have only seen a handful of women in my life who i believe are well and truly beautiful. I could count them on one hand. So this is why i feel especially cut down, that his ex happens to be one of them. I am thankful for the concept of beauty being in the eye of the beholder though. I really do love this concept. It brings me alot of comfort. It could even work in my favour.? But really, I am no where near prettier than her. Thankyou for putting that statement forward though, for a second i thought "wait..maybe i am?" and it kind of felt nice and relieving to read that.! Thankyou

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This is proof yet again that even a stunner can't save or make a relationship. She may be a stunner but he's not with her anymore. I would have thought this would be a positive thing for you and your self-esteem, not a negative.

 

No they arent together anymore. But in saying this, it was HER that left him. She was the stunner, not him. So in him being dumped by her, it was *him* not being able to save or make the relationship. Not her, like your statement suggests. So this isnt a positive thing for me, because he didnt leave her. It doesnt do anything for my self-esteem that my boyfriend got DUMPED by an amazingly beautiful girl. I dont see any positivity in this situation..

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