Is it wrong to lose my respect for my parents?

[Sock Monkey]

I love my parents but I just lost a tremendous amount of respect and trust in them is all. I come from a family that is fairly well-off but have never been happy with them.

 

To ground you better, I'm 23, female, adopted, single child, comes from a culture that has always taught an individual to puts society's perceptions of oneself before what they want, and I have parents who have sky-high expectations. Nothing wrong with expectations, but I have always had zero tolerance in being forced to conform to others.

 

I've come to realize that everything I am today is because of my parents' money, and not their love, so to speak. They have no real faith in me, but had to see I was given good things (like an expensive education) for the sake of their reputation. I've always been a very obedient and a quiet child, very low maintenance, a good student, and always done the best at everything I could.

 

And yet, my mom made me cry on the night of my college graduation ceremony, and later blames it on the fact that she was jetlagged from taking a late flight and so was too frustrated to help me pack in my dorm room (all the time telling me how it was a miracle I got this far in life). My mom uses the mistakes I have made in the past from learning experience to deter me in having any confidence or self esteem, and always brings up how much they have wasted my dad's money on me. She's very erratic and pretty negative--No self-help book will help her attitude which seems to come from some inferiority complex she harbors. She crumbles under pressure and brings down everyone else with her.

 

My dad thinks I can't make my way into the world to find a job now that I have graduated.They always tell others that it will work out, but I know they don't believe their own words because my mom started an argument at the airport in Hawaii proclaiming how can we be on vacation when I haven't been hired right out of college like my other cousins and friends, so there is nothing to celebrate. My dad is a good man, patient but weak and rarely has a say in things. My mom wears the pants in the house even though she is not a bread-winner.

 

I'm starting to despise them because I think they failed their test as parents since . Yet they have always assured me they will always be my friends and I can tell them anything I want. I don't trust them. Heck, I don't even want them anywhere near my kids when I have kids.

 

Thankfully, I don't live with them. I feel like I have served my time, and have now been released from constant suppression. I'm in the US and they are halfway accross the world but I still feel suffocated. I don't want anything to do with them and feel no guilt in saying so. I think my respect for them ended with my childhood.

 

What can I do to have to still have a healthy attitude? The only things that make me feel better are memories from my childhood, but most kids are easy to raise when they are little. The real test of being parents is dealing with teenagers and young adults which has never been a good experience for me. I know I can't always distance myself from them because I'm the only child and besides for being legally bound to them, they are the only family I have since I have no siblings (and my cousins have more reasonable parents). I have tried talking to them, but it's always the same old.

[CatsMeeoow]

Well I think a healthy attitude starts with the realization that you will not change your parents - that's just something you can't control, BUT you can control how you let it affect you.

 

Your parents may have a completely different way of interacting with grandkids? I'm just saying I was never close to my mother and in fact for my own sanity did not talk to her for 2 years and after that it was extremely limited to just the major holidays. However, once my son was born and at just before 2yr old we were on our own my mother and her husband really stepped up to help out when I was in a difficult spot. It helped our relationship to a small degree but now nearly 8yr later I see how much my son adores my mom. I can still only take my mom in small increments but I won't interfere with her relationship with my son so long as he is happy in it. He is always excited to see her and would always rather make time to see her than go see his own father.

 

Good Luck - it sounds like a very difficult situation.

[mactownman]

Your parents have issues just like everybody else. It is difficult in today's society to find a totally "normal" parental unit. It sounds like they are rather hard on you and negative. It's terrible that money/status has become the center of their universe.

 

Your parents probably have done the best they can, or the best they know how. The post-college parent/child relationship can prove to be rather difficult. It was difficult with myself, my two brothers, and my parents. They just want you to "succeed" in life. However, it is the definition of success where contention often arises. Generational differences, the economy, etc. have led to drastic shifts in post-college life, expectations, etc. I understand they are hard on you, but they love you. Maybe cut them a little slack. At least respect the fact that they have provided for you for all these years.

 

The parental/child relationship is ever-evolving. Hopefully you can work this out and overtime be able to accept and respect your family. In turn, hopefully they will be able to accept and respect you. But, this will have to be a mutual effort. Respect must be given on both sides.

[catfeeder]

The more messed up the parents, the easier it makes your life to consider that your days of playing the wounded child are long over. It didn't work to get you what you wanted as a kid, and it's not going to work now, either. So skip that.

 

It's liberating to discard the child mentality. Start giving what you never got to your Self. Then you can afford to be generous with the people who are flawed and vulnerable and imperfect--and will STILL never cater to the wounded child.

 

Become the adult in your relationship--the one who cares for them instead of expecting anything from them, and the shift that occurs from that will give you everything you need. You'll thank yourself, and you'll wonder why you never figured this out sooner.

[NowandZen]

It's entirely possible that you are projecting. I couldn't say for sure, don't know you or your parents. Mainly, though, you have reached the stage in your life where you want to live your own life, by your own rules, with your own values. Is this wrong? Nope it is probably the healthiest thing you will ever do.