The inevitable - Seeing photos of ex and the new partner

[donpeel83]

Hi ENA,

 

I've posted something similar to this many moons ago, but after tonight i felt like revisiting it if you all dont mind. Basically, earlier, I looked at my exs profile on Facebook and noticed the change in profile picture to one of her and the new guy. Now, not to sound shallow, but the first thing that struck me was that she had gone back to having an older guy and that he wasnt as good looking as me (I hate saying that as im not the egotistical sort, but im sure most people in the same situation cant help but compare!!). WHilst I do feel a tad strange at seeing her with someone else, as only yesterday I finally removed the tags off some photos of the two of us together, I was just wondering and curious...how have the rest of you cope and ealt with the emotions that flood to the surface when you see the ex with their new partner?

 

Would love to hear stories and how peeps cope.

 

Thanks.

 

xAx

[blackhawks1287]

All depends on the circumstances and the dirt you are able to dig up if any...

 

All I know is, the same as you. Better looks, better attitude towards life and what I am working for, and a lot more maturity.

 

So...call it shallow, call it egotistical...I call it coping and accepting. I am better off knowing she chose someone uglier than someone who looks like Bradley Cooper, just saying and simple fact.

 

I also uncovered A LOT of dirt, so I am better off either way.

[iBroken]

Well, hate to say it bluntly but you wouldnt have run into this issue if you just deleted her off your FB to begin with.

 

As for coping, just ride out the waves - the good and the bad. And there will be waves.......

[blackhawks1287]

Well, hate to say it bluntly but you wouldnt have run into this issue if you just deleted her off your FB to begin with.

 

As for coping, just ride out the waves - the good and the bad. And there will be waves.......

 

truf....I deleted my and blocked my ex and the new guy...but I was dumb enough to find out her FB password...

[annie24]

I just deleted him from facebook.

[Robin2904]

Well to answer your question I didn't cope too well lol. Looking at a picture is bad enough but I had the unfortunate displeasure of seeing them in person. I had a similar reaction as you when it came to the new person- comparing myself etc, so your not alone there (And I felt like a pretty crappy person for doing that and feeling I was more attractive, but I see a lot of people have done it so I guess it is normal reaction!) Being there in the same space as them there wasn't much I could do but fake being gracious and get as far away from them as I could.

 

What you should do is stop looking at her FB. Seriously just stop. If you haven't already, delete her. Then block her. Get AWAY from it. I know its tough but your heart needs to heal. It's human behavior to be nosey with your ex. After I saw him and his new girl my noseyness got the better of me and i unblocked him from FB to spy. BIG mistake. Only made things harder on me. As long as you are able to look at them and their current life, the temptation is there. I would say just remove yourself from it 100 percent. The more connection you still have to her, the worse it is going to make you feel. Why would you want to see her and her new guy anyway? It's sadistic almost. That's what I realized for myself too. I just needed to get away completely. I even had to remove his sister from my page, because I was still so tempted to look at her FB. I checked it too often, and even found out she added his new girl. That was the defining moment for me to completely detach.

 

I hope your able to do the same!

[donpeel83]

Well thank you for all for he feedback.

 

In terms of an update, I have blocked her and him. I think im happy seeing them actually, as strange as that sounds. Im quite happy knowing that I tried to love her as much as I could and treated her better than any guy ever had with giving her lots of affection and spoiling her etc (This she even confirmed to me many times). Whilst me and her clearly werent meant to be, I am trying to get to that stage when im not bitter and i am genuinley happy for her. However, I cant help but feel this relationshipwill fail ultimatley. Just knowing her how I know her.

[donpeel83]

All depends on the circumstances and the dirt you are able to dig up if any...

 

All I know is, the same as you. Better looks, better attitude towards life and what I am working for, and a lot more maturity.

 

So...call it shallow, call it egotistical...I call it coping and accepting. I am better off knowing she chose someone uglier than someone who looks like Bradley Cooper, just saying and simple fact.

 

I also uncovered A LOT of dirt, so I am better off either way.

 

Haha, well the thing is my ex is that scared of lonliness that this guy is a dude that broke her heart when she was 18, and he was about 23/24. So, 12 years later and shes gone back. ALso, my ex hacked my Facebook, and got pissed when she saw me talking to other girls post her and Me finishing and tried to twist it into me being unfaithful?? Work that one out lol

[Mustachio]

Well my ex was blocked off my fb account for about a year and a half, when I finally unblocked her, I got a friend request literally 2 days later from her. I finally looked at her wedding pictures, and i laughed. I just felt relief, if I had felt anything else, she would have been blocked again.

[Celadon]

I think that seeing pictures leaves a lot to the imagination. It's great when you feel like you are better than your ex's current s.o., of course. But for those who compare themselves unfavorably, I'd just say that what you see in a picture is not the whole story. Plus, people can look happy for the five seconds it takes to snap the photo, but you don't see the interaction between the two of them, you don't know that it drives your ex nuts when his/her new s.o. constantly interrupts or is indecisive or makes un-funny jokes.

 

I met my ex's wife, and what I noticed was that she was domineering. So my thought was: If he was looking for someone to tell him what to do, then I'm glad I'm not with him.

 

Still, I was glad to hear they were moving out of the area so I wouldn't have to run into them ever.

[hello678]

I havn't had to deal with the pictures because i blocked both my ex and the guy she is seeing on Facebook.

 

For the first few weeks I was pretty bad with the checking up so I just blocked them both and I havn't unblocked them since.

 

I have seen them together in person, its surprisingly not that bad. People like to hide away from the truth in a break up because its far too painful to face. I found the opposite actually, faceing your demons actually helps you move past them.

 

I was so concerned she would rebound with this guy when we broke up, it consumed me for a month 'are they' 'arn't they'. I tried to listen to local gossip chains and work it out, he was making big effort but I thought she had more respect for me than to go with him.

 

Anyway the inevitable happened, I heard they were going out, I ran into them in public and it hurt. Badly. I pretty much went and hid and found a counter way out of the store i was in so i didn't have to pass them again.

 

But after you face it, after you come to grips with that picture in your head (of running into them) it does get better. You stop seeing your ex as the angel and start to see them as someone who really didn't care about you that much.

 

That sounds like a horrible thought, but it does set you free. If someone doesn't care about me, I care less about them and the cycle continues.

 

Overall they're not bad people for dating someone else, they are just doing whats in their best interests and avoiding having to go through what we all did.

[ngu11]

You stop seeing your ex as the angel

 

So true.

 

I've never seen, heard or had any evidence that my ex is with another guy. I just pressume that she is...i.e. assuming the worst. I definitely have been making an effort over the last couple of days to remember all the things I wasn't happy with in the relationship, as well as all the things I didn't like about her. It helps to give yourself a bit of value to the BU! However, I have felt a little bitter about feeling this way.

[TSandullo]

Hi donpeel.

 

I hope you are felling alright buddy.

 

As to what happened and how I dealt with it here is the moment I obtained visual confirmation of their relationship:

 

A few days before my graduation there was a students sporting event.

My ex was participating in the sporting event however the site would be open to the public the next day only, hence she was there from day one.

 

Fast forward, I graduate, at night I get a congratulatory message from her on FB.

On her profile are pics of her and my friends (in her sports team)

Two weeks earlier I heard they were all staying in tents while she was going to be in a hotel.

Then, in one the pictures (from day one of the event) 'he' was in some of the pictures.

With someone of my intelligence and the level of intimacy I had with her, I could deduce everything to the t.

And her face in the photos...someone who has just made love.

 

I thanked her for her message and then deleted her off fb.

 

The rest of the story continues (and ends...i think) here:

 

 

 

You'll be fine buddy, stay strong and well, like you said, you gave it your best and your all, with all your love.

 

TS

[TSandullo]

REally nice post mtom, really hit home in some places.

 

TS

[Brownstone322]

Now, not to sound shallow, but the first thing that struck me was that she had gone back to having an older guy and that he wasnt as good looking as me (I hate saying that as im not the egotistical sort, but im sure most people in the same situation cant help but compare!!).

It may not matter. Multiple studies over the years have shown that women, accross locations and cultures, generally value stability and security over looks. Something tells me that New Guy may have more money than you. Anyway, it's guys, not women, who are forever caught up in "young and hot."

 

Women seem to like "danger" too. But I think that's a phase.

[Amsterdam01]

I think Facebook is the devil when it comes to healing after a break up.

 

My ex defriended me back in February when she decided to leave me, and I still check her profile page and her picture even though I know I am doing myself no good..

 

I also know who her man is now because he is constantly updating his profile pic of a new image of them together.... I can see her list of friends.

 

It stings every time I see a new photo of them together, but it also brings me back to reality and reminds me that she is with some other dude on all levels.

 

I'm reluctant to block her because I want to stay indifferent and blocking her seems like a malicious act to me... (just my view) I am completely aware that she checks my profile and business fan page (which is public) because she has contacted me about other women who comment on my posts (fan page) and has become jealous and assumed I was with these women....

[donpeel83]

It may not matter. Multiple studies over the years have shown that women, accross locations and cultures, generally value stability and security over looks. Something tells me that New Guy may have more money than you. Anyway, it's guys, not women, who are forever caught up in "young and hot."

 

Women seem to like "danger" too. But I think that's a phase.

 

You could be right. I know hes older than her (Im 28, shes 30, and he looks near to 40!!) and he has kids also, slef employed, drives a BMW so hes obviously more mature in life than I and more intune with what she wants. SHe did always say that she gravitates towards older men, and I was the first bf who was younger than her. I think to be fair I was her trophy BF, because alot of her friends were jealous when we got together as I had a good job (she was unemployed at the time) and when ever we went out I would often get the eye from other ladies which she hated (plus no guys paid her any interest). On top of that I spoilt her rotten and her friends got jealous of that too. I guess when it got really serious and we talked about marriage she didnt feel long term I was a safe enough bet as she wanted someone who was the finished artivle, like this new guy, as apposed to see where me and her could go to etc.

[Celadon]

Anyway the inevitable happened, I heard they were going out, I ran into them in public and it hurt. Badly. I pretty much went and hid and found a counter way out of the store i was in so i didn't have to pass them again.

OMG, something similar happened to me. I spotted my ex in a department store, in the women's section, putting something back on a rack or getting something from a rack. I hadn't met his wife yet at that point. I made the fastest beeline you'd ever seen to the nearest exit.

 

But yeah, when I actually met her another time and saw what their relationship was like, it was not nearly as bad as the fear that I had built up. Today, I marvel at how you can grow so close to someone and then, years later, not give a flying fig out him. Really, if I saw him today I wouldn't have any feeling for him at all. I wouldn't be glad to see him nor would I avoid him. It would be like we never dated.

[Danny77]

I deleted her from fb as I didn't wanna ever get to the stage where I saw her with someone else.

 

It's not something I ever wanna deal with.

Well, not right now.

[banal]

Yeah, this does suck. You guys are right. But how about the reverse? Ex broke up with you...and months later, you FB friend this person and show him/her your fancy new partner.

[hello678]

OMG, something similar happened to me. I spotted my ex in a department store, in the women's section, putting something back on a rack or getting something from a rack. I hadn't met his wife yet at that point. I made the fastest beeline you'd ever seen to the nearest exit.

 

But yeah, when I actually met her another time and saw what their relationship was like, it was not nearly as bad as the fear that I had built up. Today, I marvel at how you can grow so close to someone and then, years later, not give a flying fig out him. Really, if I saw him today I wouldn't have any feeling for him at all. I wouldn't be glad to see him nor would I avoid him. It would be like we never dated.

 

It is very difficult.

 

You will often find though that by the time you get to that stage of the 'healing' that you actually lose all respect for your ex partner. I hate to say it but most people act in contradiction of your views towards them during the breakup stage. I think thats what most dumpees find the most difficult, trying to relate the new behavior of their ex partner to their overall image of the person. "But they said they cared about me and they loved me, how can they be doing this?!?!". Once you begin to understand the big picture and take off the love goggles you begin to move on with your life.

 

At this point seeing them in public doesn't really bring any feelings towards them.

 

Not really sure were im going with this

[Celadon]

Love is complicated. And people are complicated. And people are selfish and self-preserving, especially during break ups. Love and selfishness are hard to reconcile.

 

I, being an overthinker, was even thinking today about how I would feel if my bf broke up with me. Would I look at him and think, "But ... you said you loved me! How could your feelings suddenly change?" or would I be able to say, "I appreciate what we had, and if you're not feeling it any more, then we don't have a relationship and there's nothing I can do about it. Good luck"?

[hello678]

Love is complicated. And people are complicated. And people are selfish and self-preserving, especially during break ups. Love and selfishness are hard to reconcile.

 

I, being an overthinker, was even thinking today about how I would feel if my bf broke up with me. Would I look at him and think, "But ... you said you loved me! How could your feelings suddenly change?" or would I be able to say, "I appreciate what we had, and if you're not feeling it any more, then we don't have a relationship and there's nothing I can do about it. Good luck"?

 

I don't think separating from someone is necessarily doing bad by them. I actually think in some situations you can dump someone whilst doing whats best for them (ie the relationship wont work, you don't want to waste their time, they need to be free to live their life and career goals etc).

 

But i don't think i need to list the particulars of a breakup were someone still cares, against one for selfish reasons.

[Celadon]

I don't think separating from someone is necessarily doing bad by them. I actually think in some situations you can dump someone whilst doing whats best for them (ie the relationship wont work, you don't want to waste their time, they need to be free to live their life and career goals etc).

I agree. There are some breakups that are due to being mismatched, and the sooner it's recognized, the better.

[swann]

Today is my son's b-day and I went on his FB page to send him a happy birthday note. Was scrolling through to see who all had sent him one and either consciously or sub-consciously noticed that the ex hadn't sent him one. Thought "doesn't matter" but she was close to him this time last year. After I posted my "HB" to him, went off line and didn't think much about it. Got back on a little while ago and noticed that she had just sent him one. Ironic I thought. Did she see mine pop up and then send one? Just a little strange I guess?

 

And our power has been out for the past two days so today was the first time to get on-line and when I checked my FB page, saw where she was "checking in poolside" and she mentioned he her old/new boyfriend was with her. Knew she was seeing him again and most likely cheated on me with him so while not shocking, still stings a bit. Guess I need to delete her but haven't yet. I like to think it's because I am not going to let her actions dictate what I do or don't do but the reality may be I am still curious as to what's she up to. Why I don't know?

 

Guess I just need to ask myself this. "Does seeing her and bluto bother you and change you feelings? If yes, then block her and move on". Honest answer is it does sometimes and others it doesn't. Course I'm writing about it here so today it did affect me. Sorry to be rambling on about much of nothing here.

 

Thanks.