Dumped...for another girl.

[Silverluxx]

Hello everyone. I have been on here silently reading through this forum for about a month now. I have been wanting to post my story but it's just so long it feels like it'd be impossible to type it all out and incredibly boring for all of you to read. I am, as many of you, completely devastated and broken.

 

My ex...wow it is so weird to even type that he is my ex... anyway my ex and I were together for about 10 years. We were best friends for the first half but we were sleeping together as well. I always loved him and he was always resistant to committing to a real relationship. Everyone else (friends) thought we were together but we were not officially. He lived with me at one point for awhile and then moved in with a friend. That friend moved away and he lived with me again for a while. Things became sort of hostile after awhile. Probably because I resented him for being with me but not fully being with me. I was young. We met when I was 19 and he was 21. Anyway, I guess I wasn't always so nice to him after awhile and he decided to move out and couch surf for a while...sort of breaking up with me. This was in September of 2007. I was extremely upset but I let him go. We stayed in contact.

 

We had a trip planned to visit a couple we were mutually friends with in Tennessee. It was planned for December. We still went together. It was fun but it seemed clear to me we were never going to get back together or together for real to begin with. He had told me he wanted to see other people. So on the plane ride home, something clicked in me and I was thinking, "man this is it. We're done. I'm moving on." I was drinking because I have a bit of a fear of flying. Anyway this other guy sits next to us on the plane. I start chatting with him while my ex was trying to sleep. The guy and I got along pretty well and at one point asks me if he can kiss me. I said "I don't think that would be appropriate on a plane." He did it anyway. I pulled away. He tried again and I let him for a second because it felt so nice to be kissed or wanted or whatever. My ex who was not officially my ex at the time looks over and glares at me and then his hands start shaking. I was confused by this. So I ignored the new guy from then on and played a game with my ex for the rest of the flight. I had no intentions of anything. It all just happened.

 

So to cut the long story short there, my ex freaked out and wanted to be my boyfriend. He said he had realized that he had more feelings for me than he had wanted to admit. So December of 2007 we started dating officially. We were together for 3 and 1/2 years more until May 26th of this year. He dumped me because he had feelings for another girl. He confirmed that she had the same feelings for him before deciding to officially end it with me. The day before we broke up he told me he loved me and that he would never leave me. We were intimate 3 times that day. The next morning he again told me he loved me. I asked him if he was "in love with me" he said yes. He held me in the kitchen and said everything was fine.

 

Later that day I went to his house after work. He acted weird. He told me we needed to talk. She had stopped by his house in between when I was there and when I came back. They talked. He told her he had feelings for her and that he loved me and we had a really strong bond but that he didn't think we were right for each other. She said she didn't think he would ever leave me. Or so this is what I've been told by him. He told her he would need time to grieve.

 

He didn't take that time to grieve. They started talking and dating a week later. I, of course, did all the bad stuff. Begged, pleaded, texted and called non stop.

I did stop contacting him for a couple days and he started calling me and emailing me. He was considering getting back together with me. I was all emotion still and had no logical thinking so I didn't know how to handle any of it. He called me crying one day while she was out of town saying he thought he might still be in love with me and that he might have made a mistake. I stupidly told him it was okay and that I still loved him. He felt better.

 

There was also one day where he stalked me. He wanted to know who I was hanging out with and I didn't want to tell him so he sat out front of my house trying to catch me. He thought it might have been one of his friends. He called me 20 times that day. So she comes back and he decides to tell her what he did with me and tell her he needs time away from both of us to figure out what he really wants.

 

He meets her for dinner to talk about that. She tells him that I am manipulating him while he is vulnerable and that if he wanted to be with me he wouldn't have left me to begin with and that he can be happy with someone else. He bites and tells me we shouldn't talk for a bit. I wanted an explanation so he then tells me he loves me like a friend. I am so confused at this point. We had one final conversation and I left him alone for almost 2 weeks. I find out that his cousin had a brain anyuerism from his mom on facebook. I had already deleted him and his new lady, by the way. His mom facebook chats me. Its been almost 2 months at this point and she still didnt know we had broken up. I immediately call him without thinking. He didnt pick up so I texted him just simply letting him know I heard and I was there if he needed. He replied very cordially thanking me and saying he would keep me updated and such. I asked him to call me. He ignored that text. I called him the next day and he answered. It seems at this point he will only answer when he is at work or not with her. I guess that makes sense. We chatted for a bit.

 

A lot of other stuff happened in between then and now but basically at this point we are on talking terms I guess. He hasn't contacted me but he will answer if I text or call. Which I am trying not to do. There was still some business to take care of. Last time I talked to him, I asked and he told me they were officially boyfriend/girlfriend. She asked him, he said. I know I need to focus on myself and move on and all that crap. I am just having a really hard time letting go. We were always so close for 10 years. I just dont understand why he doesnt want to talk to me a lot still. I didnt do anything to him. I was a bit controlling. I tried to make him take care of his * * * * and go to school and stuff. But I wasnt crazy about it or anything. My intentions were always from a good place.

 

I know you are all going to tell me that I need to let go. Move on. Work on myself. All that. But I miss him. I know I should hate him. But I dont. If anyone I hate her. She has been flirting with him for a while now. She said she has been crazy about him for over a year now. She pretends to be so innocent. We had a good conversation on Friday. I havent talked to him since. I think he is taking her to go see his cousin and mom and little sisters this weekend. I dont know for sure, but Im pretty sure. This kills me. He didnt take me to see his mom til years into our relationship. He wouldn't even be my bf til years into it. He says that is becuase I met him when he was 21 and she met him when he was 30. But she met him while he was with me. I just want them to fizzle out and for him to realize he loves me. I know that is so lame, but I love the * * * * * * * . I know I shouldn't want him back if he could do this. But I will be honest.. I do. More than anything.

 

Anyone who has been in a similar situation? Has their ex come back?

[Silverluxx]

Is it normal for an ex to not want you to be with anyone else even though they are with someone else?

[blackhawks1287]

Is it normal for an ex to not want you to be with anyone else even though they are with someone else?

 

Yes and no, he just wants control and possession even while you two are not together. Knowing that should be even more reason to just let go.

[alexandriax]

Don't you want better for yourself than all this? He finally gets to the point of being in a relationship with you, then later on dumps you for someone else? This guy has issues. Not just that, think about what a real future with him would be like. Do you want marriage and kids one day? If so, what makes you think he'd commit to such when he could barely muster the courage to call you his girlfriend? There's better men out there. Don't settle for his breadcrumbs. I know you love him, I've been where you are, but this has to be draining you. He sounds very possessive, like he thinks you're always going to be there and he can do whatever he wants and come back to you when he feels like it. Don't EVER let someone consider you an "option". He is torn between you and another girl? WALK AWAY for good. You can find someone who will gladly call you their girlfriend and not toy with you like this.

 

I suggest you take some time to truly appreciate yourself and get to the point where you wouldn't let a man treat you like this again. Then date others, see what else is out there, and find a REAL relationship.

[wilyone 11]

Ouch, I feel your pain. It's bad enough being dumped after a 10-year relationship without having to deal with feelings of jealousy piled on top. Especially hard when the guy said he was in love with you that very morning. Are you seeing a counselor or getting some type of professional help? I don't know if I would be strong enough to get through my days under those conditions.

 

Maybe he had GIGS, or maybe he needed to get involved with this girl to realize what he had with you (sometimes you don't know what you have until you get involved with someone else). If it's one of these situations, the guys are usually back within 4-5 months.

 

Hugs,

Wily

[shadowbox3r]

Ten years is such a long time. All that you've been through with him and all of the feelings you acquired over those years makes it understandable that it is so hard to let go. However, you need to do whatever it takes to do that because he has moved on. He has been wishy-washy about your friendship/relationship for too long. If a man truly wants to be with you they don't play games like that. It sounds like you were a relationship of convenience more than one of love. It's also easy to wear rose colored glasses when looking back on relationships once you're out of them. You romanticize things about the relationship that might have been a lot worse when they actually took place. People tend to take even the worst situations and somehow twist it to not being negative when they are still holding onto the hope of getting back together with someone.

 

What you need to do now is talk to a professional. Either someone who deals with divorce or grief therapy. They can help you take positive steps toward recovery.

[Silverluxx]

Thanks. I am seeing a therapist. I had been before we broke up.

[Silverluxx]

The part about my relationship being one of convenience instead of love is really confusing to me still. I stopped talking to him for almost 3 weeks and he started contacting me. I ignored him for a couple weeks but he kept calling and we talked for a couple of hours. He told me that he is a messed up guy and he doesn't know who he is or what he really wants in life. He said that there is a part of him that really loved me and wanted to marry me and that he is like 2 different people. But he also says things are going well with her. He said that her an I are like the exact same person, but polar opposites. I asked him what that meant and he said that everything he likes about me she doesn't have and everything he likes about her I don't have. He brought this stuff up, not me. So I go back and forth wondering if he ever really loved me or not which kills me to think he didn't but was with me for so long. Our last couple of conversations didn't go well as I am still too emotional and we are back to not talking again. He says talking to me complicates things too much for him and we both do better when we don't talk. He also said she is very worried he will leave her for me and that she can't stand it if he even mentions my name. The whole thing is stupid and sad. We were always such great friends. Best friends. I know everyone feels that way, but losing that has been the hardest part for me.

[Ms Darcy]

The signs to me that he was going to leave was when he couldn't commit for years and then left the first time. I think you've had some inkling in the back of your head that although you were best friends his heart was always with you.

 

You said you were controlling? What do you mean?

[Silverluxx]

The signs to me that he was going to leave was when he couldn't commit for years and then left the first time. I think you've had some inkling in the back of your head that although you were best friends his heart was always with you.

 

You said you were controlling? What do you mean?

 

The thing that is weird about it is that although we weren't officially bf/gf the first few years we we both still exclusive. Neither of us slept with anyone else or even hung out with anyone else. We were always together. He did commit that last 3 1/2 - 4 years. He went with me to meet my mom's side of the family in a different state and after my cousin's wedding he grabbed my arm and asked me if I wanted to practice walking down the aisle with him. As far as the controlling thing, I would tell him to do things that he needed to do as I thought I was helping him. Just stupid things like did you take care of that ticket? He would always put things off and then get into bigger trouble because of it later and it would frustrate me. I realize now I should have just stayed out of it and let him figure out his own stuff as he is a grown man. I thought I was helping though.