I want my ex back

[happymeboy]

Hi,my ex dumped me 2 weeks ago by letter from an alcohol rehab clinic.She is not what you would call a cronic drinker,just going through difficult times and our relationship was trembling.Once at the clinic,she wrote me letters of how much she loved me.I replied to her first letter that I was adjusting to my new life but didnt write down meaning of this sentence (I meant to be more careful that she doesnt go off-track again).She replied asking me what I mean by this and if there was another person.I replied she was the love of my life.Right after my last letter,she sent me last one telling me that much has happened between us and that what was broken cant be fixed.I was devastated!!! How come this change of mind ?? Her counselors have forbid her to invite me for visitations or to talk by phone. complete shut down.Now she is leaving for another continent for 2 months!!! Is love really gone ? Truly ? Just like that or confused ? Maybe I am blind and she got another person on the side line.Im a complete mess.After 5 years and now this ? I bought the Magic Making up to recover your ex and recommended to send letter accepting the break up to shift the mind set, to make her wish what she cant have any more,that I am moving on. NC rule to the max. I am messed up cause I dont know if is really her talking or the counselors. She has been begging me to marry her and after I told her we will do so in my letter she just dumps. Was it a game the love letters ? Got a call from her father to move her stuff out. Please, help me with some good avice. I cant see or think clearly. Is this real ? IS the NC rule really effective to make people reconsider their position ? Anything will help me. Thanks !!

[george237]

She is in rehab.... I'm sure she is going through a ton of pain mentally. Cool your jets and be there for her as a friend during this time.

 

Not that it matters what I say anyway but the friends I had that became junkies and drunks barely turned out to be awful people that only hurt the ones closest to them.

[Doofus]

Have you asked her what she meant? That's pretty vague, and, you're right; that's a big turnaround. On the other hand, getting sober is pretty stressful. She may not mean it, or, she may be blaming you for things having to do with her addiction that are not actually your fault.

To be able to stand a chance of giving you good advice we'll need more details, I think. For example:

Was she going on the 2 month trip anyway, or was this a recent decision? And 5 years?? Did the two of you live together? How did she end up in rehab? Is it just booze? How long has she been in rehab? Is she leaving for the other continent right away after getting out?

For now, I'd say that if you don't have a specific answer as to what she means by 'so much has happened' then you should ask. If she has given you specifics, then, depending on what they are, your best bet is to do nothing right now.

[CatsMeeoow]

Its also very hard to be in a committed relationship if you are really trying to commit to getting your life clean and sober.

 

I would suggest being there if she asks for it but also recognize the need for her to have some space.

 

The biggest mistake you can make is pushing to be together because if she is really committed to a healthier life and she sees you interfering with her needs to get there she will completely cut you out.

 

I know it hurts but you need to let go a bit and give the chance to find a way to be successful without feeling like its coming anywhere but herself.

[endy]

yeah, first of all cool down. Do not have too much pride here or any pride at all in this situation. Pride causes misperceptions. Relax and ask her to contact you when she gets back and is healthy on her own two feet again. Be there as a friend, or don't be, move on if you want to. You don't need to wait for anyone. Cat above I also 100 percent agree with. Only contact her when she contacts you, and be there for her as a friend. DO NOT talk about getting back together or the relationship unless she brings it up. Even then, let her know that you want what she feels is best for her.

[happymeboy]

Thanks Doofus !! Yes indeed, a big turnaround that made me confused and lost. She meant the arguments we had. Getting sober is very stressful and you are right, she blamed me for everything related to aclohol abuse.She called me THE BIGGEST TRIGGER in her life. Did she really mean it ? She had this issue even before we met. The 2 month trip was a recent decision with her counselors (these dont want her close to me). We lived together for 5 years,always looking to get married and have children.About the rehab,only about the booze. She has been there now for 30 days and leaving next week for 2 months directly from the rehab center..I know I sound desperate but I AM !!

 

 

[

 

QUOTE=Doofus;4926827]Have you asked her what she meant? That's pretty vague, and, you're right; that's a big turnaround. On the other hand, getting sober is pretty stressful. She may not mean it, or, she may be blaming you for things having to do with her addiction that are not actually your fault.

To be able to stand a chance of giving you good advice we'll need more details, I think. For example:

Was she going on the 2 month trip anyway, or was this a recent decision? And 5 years?? Did the two of you live together? How did she end up in rehab? Is it just booze? How long has she been in rehab? Is she leaving for the other continent right away after getting out?

For now, I'd say that if you don't have a specific answer as to what she means by 'so much has happened' then you should ask. If she has given you specifics, then, depending on what they are, your best bet is to do nothing right now.

[happymeboy]

Thanks !! So I stay away of the picture till she contacts me herself ? I know I am pathetic,but so afraid and so panic of not having a say in all this. Yes, Im afraid she might just not contacting me at all after she is back,that I become something of the past,something unwanted. Specially since her dad is coming to pick up stuff. Gives me the feeling she already moved on and not wanting to come back ever again.

 

 

Its also very hard to be in a committed relationship if you are really trying to commit to getting your life clean and sober.

 

I would suggest being there if she asks for it but also recognize the need for her to have some space.

 

The biggest mistake you can make is pushing to be together because if she is really committed to a healthier life and she sees you interfering with her needs to get there she will completely cut you out.

 

I know it hurts but you need to let go a bit and give the chance to find a way to be successful without feeling like its coming anywhere but herself.

[endy]

Bud, when you're an alcoholic you blame everyone and everything for your drinking to justify it. What she is learning right now is to behave healthy on her own, and probably also in a relationship. Being desperate is not a good sign here, but I understand. You're a man though, you want to be able to handle anything and show that you can. So try and handle this with swift and grace whenever you talk to her. Do not get emotionally just be happy with whatever she says. Women are emotional, they don't always mean what they say, and they also change what they say a lot. Sometimes from minute to minute.

 

Let her do her work on herself. What I would do, is also do some work on you. Figure out how you can better yourself during this time as well. They do not want you close to her because she needs to deal with this, without any outside influence. The fact that you broke up is going to effect your behavior, and it probably is. Don't worry and let time and the universe do it's thing.

[Doofus]

What she may have been told, and, perhaps justifiably, is that her sobriety is more important than anything; that her life itself depends on it. If so, and if - right now - she associates you with drinking, then the advice she will be getting and taking is to eliminate you from her life. Note that I used the word 'associate' not 'blames you for', although she might be doing that right now. Given this, I'd say that the best stance to take is one in which you pledge your help on her quest to become sober. If that means you butt out for now, you've got to do it. But telling her that, framing it in that way, will, I think improve your chances of reconciling down the road. Somewhere on here, I think it was on the getting back together really does happen thread, someone posted a link to a story of a woman whose husband went through a midlife crisis and thought he wanted out of the marriage and fatherhood. She played it cool, acted as a supportive friend rather than a horribly wronged spouse and eventually he calmed down and came back. That might be a good model for you.

What doesn't quite fit here is the trip abroad. So they're sending her on a trip to another continent (unless you mean Saudi ARabia or something...) without support right after she gets out of rehab?!?! This doesn't make any sense. At all. I don't know what to make of that, but I just thought I'd throw that out there.

[happymeboy]

I sent her letter today telling her the below :

 

" I didn’t write you earlier after your last letter not because I was angry but rather cause I needed to make some deep and honest internal look at myself and to our relationship. I needed time to think.

I just wanted to tell you that you were right…the break up was denitely for the best. "

 

I did it to give her space and time and to show her that I wont be an obstacle in her life. I almost died writting this,for GOD Sake !!!!

[happymeboy]

Doofus, see my other reply with the letter I sent her. I didnt know what to do,honestly. I just followed this "get your ex back" advice and trying to play it cool.

They are sending her to a secondary treatment clinic in South Africa for 2 months,and again,forbidden contact with me. She blames me for everything and her family have cut all ties with me too,although they all know she has been having this issue since EVER !!! Hypocrits,they disrecarded all my love and help, but I did it cause I loved her not for them. It was my choice. So basically just wait to see what she does when back ? Obviously they will advise her no contact with me. I just dont know the direction to take. THANKS !!!!

[happymeboy]

So basically is just to stay out of the way, right ? I only fear that if she continues with their advise then will never contact me again. Or she will realize something else on her own ?

[happymeboy]

She told a friend by letter that she doesnt see a future for me and her anymore,whats broken cant be fixed.

She keeps repeating this "whats broken cant be fixed" thing,which is part of the 12 steps program.

Nonetheless, the sentence "I dont see a future for hima and myself anymore" is like someone needed or looking for reasons to see a future.

Or am I wrong ? I would have used (if I was certain) something like : "I dont want a future..." "I had enough...". Sentences more concise instead of doubtful sentence. Or am I twisting it to hand there ?

[endy]

She will realize it on her own. If an ex wants to contact you they always will. It finds a way to happen.

[Doofus]

Well, it's not the letter I would have sent (note to others, there is not a one size fits all guide to getting your ex back. DO NOT plunk down the $ for that material!) I would have included something about being there for her if she needs you, so that, in two months or whatever, when she's feeling a bit more clear-headed (in many different ways...) she would re-read your letter and see a loving supportive person. What you sent isn't too bad, but it implies that you agree that you're part of her alcohol problem. I'm not sure you can reel that back in right away. I would wait for a bit - maybe even the guide approved one month (!!) and send her a letter asking how her recovery is going, telling her that you've thought about the relationship a lot (and really really do this) and you realize that were you still together you could play a positive role in her sobriety by begin different in ways x, y, and z. The key is that you will have to be truthful, this will have to be objective and your sentiments sincere, so you're really going to have to think about this. You might seek out others who have lived with an alcoholic. Doesn't have to be al-anon, but somebody to help you see what it is you might be missing because you were too close to the situation.

I really think that, unless there's some big things you're not telling us, you have a chance at reconciliation, but the new realationship will be completely different with a completely different person (if she stays sober). So you might think about that fact too during the next month or so.

Also, whatever you do, do not use the template/guide they give you to re-establish contact after the month is over - it would be weird and highly inappropriate. (Piquing her interest by hinting something big and exciting is happening for you, or whatever your book advised

[happymeboy]

You are right Doofus, but I also didnt want to convey the needy and desperate guy that Im now and not to show her that I will be there no matter what cause that wouldnt look attractive. I know she needs as much support as possible but obviously she doesnt want/need it from me.She wants me away.

[Doofus]

Re-read what most everyone - including me - has been saying on this thread. She's not rejecting you because you're needy and insecure, even if you are. For one thing she's shut away from you. She doesn't see you, or, probably, think about you as much as you are thinking about her. She's thinking about why she needs booze and how to fix that so she can see her 75th birthday. Right now she thinks that separating from you is the best way to do that. She was sending you love letters etc. during the first part of her stay, right? She isn't dumping you for someone else and she's not dumping you - believe it or not - because she no longer loves you.

Your job during the next month or two (probably longer... since it's going to be what? three months before she's back in the country) is to figure out how and why you could be part of her life as a sober person. I know you're freaking right now and so not thinking clearly, but listen to what the rest of us are saying. She is not rejecting you, per se.

I thought it was interesting that, in your OP, you said that you didn't think she had much of a problem. That's probably working against you, even if it's true. How did she come to check in to rehab? Was it only her idea? Her family's? If so, you're the enemy right now in their view. You need to take time and really think hard about what role booze really played in your relationship. And, yes, her family or she could be over-reacting. Maybe you're right and it's not much of a problem. But you need to step back now and really really think. And given your emotional state, you need to give yourself at least a month, probably more to get your head clear. If you can do that, I really like your chances of salvaging this. But you have to do it, first. Once you have, then and only then should you take a shot. Good luck!

[happymeboy]

Doofus, she seems so sure and real about what she said "I dont see a future for him and myself anymore" ... What to make of this ??

[Doofus]

I'm going to have to trust that you're not a troll here. If not, then you must be really upset not to see what's going on, especially given that so many of us are explaining it to you.

Rehab, especially of this duration, is a BIG DEAL. That they're transferring her to a different country is even more significant (and, still, a bit mystifying to me). Anyway, what she's thinking feeling and saying right now is all about the rehab, it's not about you. When she gets out she will not be in the same place that she is now. That may or may not be a good thing for your chances, but I urge you with all seriousness to read what I (and others ) wrote above. Please, please please examine your role in her drinking. If you have not come to understand that when you talk to her post-rehab, you will have NO CHANCE. At all. If you can figure it out and figure out how to play a supportive role for the radically new her, then you may have a chance. I'm rooting for you, but you're going to have to pull yourself out of the place you're in right now. I'm surprised that you've spent more time writing about how you plan to apply various manipulative strategies than you have about how she came to be in rehab. You're in denial about it, it seems. Until you develop an understanding of how and why she's spending 4 (or more...) months with professionals to sober up you will not be making progress toward your goal of being with her again.

[happymeboy]

Hi Doofus, I wish a was a troll, I really do !! And you are right, I shouldn’t panic and make a serious internal look not only at myself but also at what brough us here (me and her). And yes too to your comment of manipulative tactis but these were done under panic mode, out of fear to lose her. Shame on me!!

I am stepping back and start my check-up and get more clarity (at least to try) on my role and her drinking problems though she had these issues since 15 years even before she met me. Her counselors mentioned me that I have a huge influence on her thus not allowing me to see her, specially since she blames me for all her drinking issues. I am also now on the "whats meant to be is meant to be" and if after all these we go apart for good then be it. I sacrificied and helped her a lot when in need and at the end I am being dumped and blame. I did all for her out of my own will and for my love for her. Now she gets good and bye-bye to me. I am happy as long as she recovers. Yes, I wish I was a troll…

[endy]

Ok stop that now. Who cares if she blames you. Every person is responsible for their own actions. You do NOT force that bottle down her damn throat so get that out of your head and stop blaming yourself. The issue here is her, but you need to see if you have other issues that you can fix for yourself now. Do not blame yourself for this breakup, her drinking, or anything else. Might want to make sure you don't have a dependency issue as in you look for someone else for happiness. True happiness comes from within.

 

You're going to be ok, and she's going to realize in time and therapy that it was her actions, not you that made her drink.