Am I being fair or am I just ruining my relationship?

[MissTammy]

Hello,

 

I am new to all of this. I am 27 and met my boyfriend online 4 months ago and have officially been in a relationship for 3 months now. I am not used to relationships as all my past ones have fizzled out after only a couple of months. I have never felt the way I do now. I really love my boyfriend and need him with a passion. But I am scared I am getting so clingy and needy which is really unlike me. Last weekend he went away for a long lads weekend away and I hated it. I convinced myself he would cheat on me and I felt sick with worry the whole time. When he came back he said him and his mates were planning on going abroad for 2 weeks later this year and I was so upset I said I didnt want him to go. He said he wont if I feel that strongly about it but I am upset I had to ask him not to go. Should he not want to be planning holidays with me? All my mates are in relationships and they said they and their partners wouldnt dream of going on holiday without each other.

 

Am I being too paranoid and clingy and should I just back off him. He has never given me cause for concern. He treats me like a princess and is always there for me when I need him. But I just hate the fact that he is in his 30s and yet he still needs to go on these drunken holidays. I couldn't live with it. Especially if we have children (I have one from a previous relationship). I wouldnt even want to go on a holiday with my mates without him. I did all that in my early 20s and yes I had fun but it wasn't all that I would be much happier settled down in a relationship right now. Am I asking too much of my boyfriend?

 

Thanks for reading x

[hexaemeron]

Okay, let's break this down. You've only been with this guy four months. It's not serious yet. And you're already telling him what he can and cannot do because of your own insecurities. Had he done something wrong, that would be different, but you're basically taking out your issues on him. How is that fair?

 

If he wants to go on holiday with his friends, he should be able to. Think about it like this. If you went on a girls' weekend with your friends, would you want him to react:

 

a.) supportively and lovingly, wishing you well and greeting you warmly when you return.

b.) with suspicion, paranoia and neediness that says he doesn't trust you, even though you've acted and behaved perfectly.

 

Yeah, you're being too needy and paranoid and basically beginning to cause the fizzle you're so desperate to avoid. A relationship cannot survive whilst being smothered, and you're already twisting the scarf around his neck.

 

But, you know you're doing it, so relax, enjoy your relationship and CALM DOWN.

[RedDress]

I agree with hex.

 

I know you said all of your friends are in relationships and they wouldn't dream of going away without each other. But...

 

1) You haven't been dating him that long.

 

2) You have a child. Holidays with children are a lot different than holidays without children. After only dating a few months, it's a lot to ask him to change his vacation 'style' to a family-type holiday. While that's what YOU want and the stage of life you are in, if he doesn't have kids this is probably a HUGE sacrifice. Especially after only dating a few months. Remember! You chose to have a child and had a long time (at least 9 months) to get used to this idea. He's kind of being thrown into this idea and lifestyle. Give him time to adjust.

 

3) I'm not even sure it's healthy to NEVER want to go away without your significant other. Granted, 2 weeks is a long time... but a weekend or so should be normal, even for married couples.

 

I think it's very early in the relationship to tell him what he can or cannot do. Relationships are like butterflies. They are beautiful things, but if you hang on to them too tight, you can squish them to death... they need the freedom to fly around and be free. You just have to have faith that they will come back.

[MissTammy]

Thank you thank you thank you! This is pretty much what I needed to hear and you are both completely right. I am being silly and need to learn to trust my boyfriend to enable us to have a happy healthy relationship.

[hexaemeron]

Thank you thank you thank you! This is pretty much what I needed to hear and you are both completely right. I am being silly and need to learn to trust my boyfriend to enable us to have a happy healthy relationship.

 

I think it helps sometimes to remember that our partners are extending us that trust, so we should be doubly sure to return it in kind.