Example of what not to do post break-up.

[Dr. Drees]

So, I was browsing one of the internet sites I frequent, and I came accross this comment. Bonus points if you guess the website. Anyway, I can't confirm if this story is real or not, but if it is, it shows two things: 1. How desperate people can get post break-up, 2. How your ex will really feel about what you feel is a good idea to get them back.

 

(I think this is a little overboard, but I'm sure people have done worse)

 

*edited for language

 

"I was 21. I had broken up with my boyfriend about 3 months or so before this poop storm you are about to read happened, and had started seeing someone new.

 

I came home to my parent's place after a weekend visiting my new boyfriend in another town. Waltz up to my bedroom, open the door, and am overwhelmed by the smell of roses. My room was covered in them, vases everywhere. At the same time I'm being overwhelmed by flowers, I am looking at a wall that is covered with a "tree" made out of cardboard and little green pieces of paper ripped from magazines. Thus tree is taking up my 14 foot wall. On the tree are hundreds of photos of my ex and I. It's a freaking photo album of kissy faces with someone who I regret ever dating even before this poop.

 

Then I look to my desk and there's a laptop open, with a piece of paper on it saying press play. So I do. Its a video of the whole tree-making process done by my ex, but sped up to look cool. Then, it changes to the camera panning out slowly, to show my ex watching the video of his own creation, crying hysterically and pounding the desk. He filmed himself crying, watching the video he made of the monstrosity on my wall. I guess I should have realized how hurt he was? But instead I felt sick.

 

I ask my parents what the freak, and they said they just let him in the house even though we were broken up. They didn't care what he was doing in my room all weekend.

 

Then I go back in my room and I am in shock, soaking it in, wondering if I should get a restraining order or not. And he walks into my room, on his pajamas, crying. He's been hiding in the bathroom waiting for me. He tries to hug me and he's sobbing and I really thought I was gonna die.

 

He stalked me for three years after that. I still cringe when I think about him."

 

Wow

[Iakasot]

That's really sad. I feel sorry for any guy who dates her, because all it takes is for them to show a little weakness and insecurity and she'll go from "OMG i love you so much" to thinking THAT low of them. I think this is more of a reflection of her as a person than of her ex.

[Weeb]

You think that is "a little" weakness and insecurity? I think being freaked out and even looking down on the guy is legit.

[blackhawks1287]

Iakasot, I have to say this is quite a stretch on behavior on the guy's part. Sending flowers is one thing, within reason of course. Careful words as well if you send a message.

 

But to go this far is quite ridiculous...and waiting for her in the bathroom. Like why would the parents allow that...they must be nuts and really like the guy.

[Iakasot]

You think that is "a little" weakness and insecurity? I think being freaked out and even looking down on the guy is legit.

I'm not saying he's displayed "a little" in doing that. I know the type of girls that she is though, and she probably broke up over something little, it just increased post break-up. You noticed how soon she started seeing someone new after she broke up? She was probably already flirting with the new guy while the relationship was still going on. You know what the worst part is? When she was saying how much she loved the guy she dumped, if he had told her "you're gonna do this, and then if I try to get back with you and cry, all it will do is creep you out, and you'll be heartless", you know how ANGRY she would get if he told her that WHILE she had feelings for him? Like she'd deny that it would ever happen WITH FOAM IN HER MOUTH. That's how angry she'd be. I know the type, trust me.

Iakasot, I have to say this is quite a stretch on behavior on the guy's part. Sending flowers is one thing, within reason of course. Careful words as well if you send a message.

 

But to go this far is quite ridiculous...and waiting for her in the bathroom. Like why would the parents allow that...they must be nuts and really like the guy.

Because the guy was probably a good guy, and a good person in general, that's why her parents liked him. And he felt like he was dumped unfairly. And she made all sorts of promises she KNEW she wasn't gonna keep because she probably did the same thing with guys before him, breaking up over little things. She should've been straight up with him that she's a serial monogamist and loses attraction easily and turns completely cold quickly, so that he could've known not to fall for her in advance and only pretend to be into her enough so that she'd stay with him.

[Deciduous]

----------------------------

[Deciduous]

T

hat's really sad. I feel sorry for any guy who dates her, because all it takes is for them to show a little weakness and insecurity and she'll go from "OMG i love you so much" to thinking THAT low of them. I think this is more of a reflection of her as a person than of her ex.

 

Dudddeeee,

Are you serious?????? He stalked her for THREE YEARS

[Deciduous]

LOL - It's the parents that make me laugh. "Frank? It's been 48 hours. What's he doing alone?"

"Not our business, Martha"

 

I mean weren't they just the tinniest bit curious

[Iakasot]

T

 

Dudddeeee,

Are you serious?????? He stalked her for THREE YEARS

Break-ups can trigger PTSD and cause mental illness to appear, particularly when a betrayal is very strong. The closer the person feels like they were together, the harder it can be to accept a betrayal of a high calibur. I think how close he was with her parents is a testament of how close she lead him on to believe he was with her. If he got PTSD and mental illness from the break-up, she's probably the one who caused it with lies and betrayal. Yeah, some people are more susceptible than others to it, but there's always two sides to every story. I'm not gonna side with her, because I have male friends (and myself) who have gone through particularly painful break-ups, and I can feel his pain. For some people it's too much, and I can't blame them. I was lucky to have friends who supported me in my break-ups, some people aren't.

[Point5]

LOL - It's the parents that make me laugh. "Frank? It's been 48 hours. What's he doing alone?"

"Not our business, Martha"

 

I mean weren't they just the tinniest bit curious

 

Lol!

 

But seriously, I can understand the flowers. The tree thing is extreme. And walking up behind her in pajamas is UPSURD.

He doesn't need a restraining order, he needs therapy.

[somethngwrng]

I feel really sorry for the girl. I can only imagine how worried and repulsed it would make me if my ex did that, who exhibits very mildly similar behaviour.

[resilient7]

3 years is much....but I really feel for the guy as I was that guy except for the pj's bit.whats so wrong about showing that person you care for them and it isn't easy to just let go.I stayed 6months trying to win back my ex and of course to no avail.I see the wrong I did in staying in her country to try and win her back but does that automatically mean I need therapy...I'm fine now and can clearly see the mistake I was making by doing this but that's all I knew at the time to do.I really wish people would stop being so quick in calling others crazy or nuts because of some of the behaviors they display post break up,again 3 years is concerning but what if afterwards you realize your wrongs granted it took me 6 months to figure that out.

[Iakasot]

Realizing you don't want her back is an important milestone. But it's hard not to want those years of your life back too, to spend with someone else who isn't a serial monogamist and doesn't lose attraction easily.

[doyathink]

While it is extreme....I feel for the guy. This just goes to show how mental a breakup can make some ppl. Pain can make ya do stupid stuff

[Robin2904]

Reading this made me feel SO much better about the lame things I did/said- which I thought were SO cringe worthy and desperate- to my ex after the break up. Like A HUNDRED TIMES BETTER!

 

I honestly DO feel bad for the guy. After my break up I honestly had thoughts of just jumping on a bus, traveling 4 hours to his house and just showing up at his door randomly, unannounced and begging for us again. But the difference is I thought about doing that but never actually did (Thankfully) I'm not sure what he was expecting to get from her at that point. And 3 years is a bit much....

 

But seriously WTH is wrong with her parents? I can understand being nice, gracious, even letting him inside, talk to him a bit- hell if they were close even make him some dinner. But let him stay up in her room for 2 days? And the parent's of the year award go to....

[Fudgie]

UGH. That story made me feel sick.

 

I was stalked for 2 years by a guy. 2 YEARS. I left him because he was emotionally clingy and controlling and wouldn't let me go anywhere or do anything without me always telling him where I was. I mean, we are talking about trips to the store! I am not flirty and gave him no reason to fear. Of course, early on I tried to reassure him but he got worse! He soon would yell at me for talking to ANY guy, even with him right near me. After I dumped his sorry butt, he kept showing up at my house and he did similar things to what was mentioned in the story. Crying outside of my house at night, leaving stuff, trying to contact me ALL THE TIME.

 

It's sick, sick, sick.

 

Iakasot, break ups are hard but that is NO excuse for someone to be stalked and harassed by an ex. I almost had to get the police involved with mine and did end up calling them on one occasion when I was in the house and he was trying to gain access to "talk to me" (this was a year post BU) and I asked him to leave but he began to attack the door trying to get to me.

 

That guy is nuts and I don't blame the girl at all for being freaked out. I would be too because I have been in a similar position. It's not "sensitivity" and "kindness". It's called stalking and unwanted contact. The guy needs to get himself HELP. He's mentally ill.

[Fudgie]

There's a difference between "trying to win someone back" and then stalking them and gaining unauthorised access to their house so you can go in there and do your thing.

 

I'm sure if your ex told you "I do not want contact with you. Please leave me alone or I will get the police involved" then you would have made it like a sane person and would have left her alone.

 

I tried to get that stalker ex to leave me alone so many times but he did not listen.

 

He's a freak.

[Iakasot]

There's also no excuse for someone to make promises in a relationship that they're obviously not gonna keep, and dump a guy over the exact reason they said they weren't going to when he expressed insecurity that they might in the future. Men do not want reassurance, they want truth. I can't stand reassurance. If someone is a person who loses attraction easily they should be straight up about it. I doubt any guy would be clingy if the girl tells them up front that he needs to maintain a certain level of confidence, security, etc or her "I love you" will lose its meaning. But no girl will ever utter those words because being like that is not something anyone wants to admit to especially while they have strong feelings for someone. They also won't say it, because they KNOW it will cause the guy to be detached and not care. All those guys wish they could re-do the relationships while not caring. Didn't you reassure your ex that you wouldn't break up with him over his depression and then did? And if he starts begging for you back and saying "you promised you wouldn't leave me", he'll just be some creep, right? Why are these things so predictable?

[Deciduous]

What now?

 

I read a minor half page story a couple of hours ago - and now we character arcs, motivations, machinations, intrigue and a denoument in which we discover....SHE MADE HIM DO IT!

 

Does M. Night Shyamalan know about you, Iakasot ???

[Fudgie]

Uhm, yes, you can dump a girl/guy over rampant insecurity that isn't corrected. How many posts have we seen here about girls/guys not being able to stand their partner with insecurity, despite many attempts to assuage it? And then they leave them. I can't blame them. It's not about "losing attraction". It's about being suffocated and being unable to live your life because of a controlling partner.

 

There's a breaking point at some point. You can't reasonably expect to draw out a promise from your partner to "never ever leave yooooouuu" and then unleash a horrific amount of control and clingyness to the point of suffocation? THEN when they break it off, you cry over broken promises? I call that entrapment.

 

Sometimes, all you can do is reassure. I wasn't cheating, obviously, or even crossing boundaries. How could I show him the truth versus reassurance? Have him follow me EVERYWHERE? Send him text message updates of everywhere that I was going? No, I couldn't do that. Of course, he spent oodles of time with me so he could SEE that I was not cheating (truth), but I had to REASSURE for the other times that he *gasp* was not there with me. Like school. Or at home. Or in the woman's bathroom.

 

All I could do was act appropriately, TELL him so, give him affection, and wait it out. Guess what? Nothing.

 

It was downright awful. No regrets about breaking up with him or the other guys I've dumped for being controlling and clingy. TELLING them that they need confidence doesn't help them. Showing them the truth doesn't help. Showing them affection doesn't help.

 

They are sick in the head and need help. Goes for girls too.

 

If I were clingy, I'd expect a guy to break up with me too but that hasn't happened yet. I'm proud to say that I am not clingy, am quite independent, and can show my affection for someone without coming accross as controlling or clingy.

 

I reckon you were the clingy sort to a past gf, am I right? You seem to sympathise with the stalker stories. Was this indeed you? That's my impression.

[Fudgie]

[video=youtube;wqZnGnvrDp0] ]

 

BTW this fits my ex to a T.

 

Do you feel this guy is justified, Iakasot? Is he just "sensitive" and "kind" and the girl is just some mean old biotch who just can't accept that?

 

Say "yes" and I think you're going to (rightly) find a lot of women repulsed.

 

Vice versa for men doing this to their women. This kind of behaviour is just unacceptable and borders on harassment.

[Teaday]

If someone has those types of insecurities to where play such a large role in the relationship, then they shouldn't be in a relationship. They should be working on themselves, not relying on someone else to feed them constant reassurance. Often, these insecurities are so irrational that even the truth does nothing.

 

Some very good-hearted, honest women have been stalked by these insecure, and thus smothering and manipulative men. This is why so many are scared to break up with men like this; they are afraid of how someone already so controlling might act post-relationship. It's freaky for anyone to have their space invaded. If a guy is truly sweet and cared for her, he won't make her feel unsafe. We've all been hurt, but we all haven't stalked someone for years, causing unneeded stress and tears.

 

I agree, love can drive you to do crazy things. But with time and experience you should learn how to deal with it in the right way.

[Fudgie]

Oh god, I was so scared to break up with that guy who eventually stalked me.

 

He told me that if I broke up with him, he'd shoot himself. After a couple weeks, I realised that he was MANIPULATING me into staying and being unhappy. And if he shot himself because of my leaving, that was HIS own fault, not mine. I tried to refer him to therapy, but he said no.

 

Eventually, I left. 2 years later (because of his incessant stalking, what a FREAK), I was free. I feel sorry for any woman who comes within his radar. I regret ever meeting him and I warn women I know about him because he has a history of this. He's creepy and possibly dangerous as he nearly got violent in his stalking with me. He's a freak with a mental disorder.

 

(and I don't take the term "freak" lightly)

[Iakasot]

I was ALWAYS less clingy than the girl in the relationships I was in. My subconscious designs it that way on purpose to protect myself. Unfortunately it takes very little clinginess and insecurity for a girl to lose her attraction for a guy, regardless of her being more clingy and insecure, or saying that if he was clingy it's "okay" when he's concerned and brings it up in the beginning. I was okay with them being clingy, because it made me feel like they cared, but after seeing how easily their attraction disappeared, I saw indeed how wrong I was.

 

I hate hate hate the labels put on guys, of "creep", "loser", etc, and how easily they are put there after a break-up. It is precisely BECAUSE of that hatred, and awareness of how much it can happen to other guys that I haven't visited exes after break-ups. As another poster earlier in the topic mentioned, it's a natural desire and happens to everyone to visit an EX, but not everyone acts on it. By the way, I was referring to your most recent ex, with the promise to not leave him over the depression. I will never visit an ex after a break up, because I know the minute we break up, I'm THIS close in her mind to just being some creep, and all the love didn't matter, and I have to protect myself from her. They are heartless and not worth my time. Many guys don't realize this, that's why they keep trying to contact those girls, because they think the loving girl they think they dated is in there somewhere. They don't realize she never existed, she created that illusion that she only felt the need to maintain WHILE she was attracted to them, once the attraction isn't there anymore, they're no different to her than a random guy off the street.

[Fudgie]

BTW, I never promised my ex that I wouldn't leave him over his depression. Never once did I say that. I told myself that I wouldn't leave but I didn't say it to him because he wasn't clingy and I didn't need to tell him. You obviously don't know my story so stay the heck out of it and don't make up stuff that I didn't say. I never made any promises that I couldn't keep.

 

If you don't want labels put on you, then don't act like a "creep" and a "loser". I labeled my stalker ex long before I left him. He really is a freak. I'm more than happy to tell other girls about my experience. Maybe they will learn from mine. His idea of "love" is showing up suddenly at your house, months after the BU, at night, knocking on the windows, sobbing, saying that he's gonna kill himself.

 

If I can stop him from doing that to another girl, I will. So I tell my story.

 

It's easy not to act like one. Just don't stalk, don't show up at exes, don't contact them if they ask you not to contact them. That is what gets guys AND girls labeled. So don't do them. if you act like a creep, be prepared to be called one.