GF goes to events without me -- I call her selfish -- Whose wrong?

[xxbobxx]

Me and this girl has been dating for a year. Back in April is my friend's weddings and she wants to go. So she gripes with me to take her as my date. So i take her. May comes along and she goes to a wedding herself, and barely mention anything to me. It bothers me, but I don't say anything and just I let it pass. So I'm planning a trip in with my friends to Boston for Memorial Day Weekend. She wants to go and I'm sort of apprehensive about taking her, but I finally give in and take her. Also, 4th July comes around and I take her to Cancun.

 

July comes around and I tell her my best friend's bday is the end of the month, but I don't know if he's doing anything. When the the end of July comes she tells me during the week she has a wedding that weekend. Thing is, we live 4 hours apart, so when we make plans, we have to do it like a week ahead, because none of us can just get up and go, though I can if absolutely needed.

She doesn't really ask me to go or anything and my best friend ends up doing nothing for his bday. So now one of my friend's weddings is coming in Sept and she asks if shes going with me. She said if she isn't then she won't be mad. So I tell her yea, can i just go and hang out with my friends? Well she gets upset and hungs up. I call her back and says, why does she expect to go when its not like I go to any of her events. Anyways, I tell her I don't invite her to show her how it feels and I call her selfish. She said her parents were going to the wedding thats why she didn't invite me, plus they had RSVPed for her, plus I had said it was my friend's bday. She says I always do stuff back to hurt her feelings.

 

One other thing, her friend is having a bday in Miami in Oct. She told me to come, but at the same time said it will only be girls going, no guys. I felt like she half heartedly asked me to go, throwing in

that guys aren't going so I don't go. Well, she finds out a girl's bf is going, then she invites me and says I have to invite my friends and stay with them, because she is just hanging out with her girls.

I then find out that indeed, more guys are going from my other friends, but they are staying in another room. So I told her, this is basically why she's not going to the wedding with me -- Not only do I not go to her events with her, I feel she lies to me about them, so I don't go. She said its Miami, and she can't stop anyone from buying a plane ticket.

 

Anyways, we have been officially bf and gf now since July. She said we should be going to events together, and I said, yea, look at the wedding you want to and now Miami. Am I wrong by calling her selfish and doing this? I am not inviting her to my friends wedding to prove a point, but she says shes hurt by that, and i call her selfish to make her feel like crap. Maybe she has no control as to inviting me to these events?

[Ariel85]

I think you sound like you're 11.

[DylanNotorious]

I guess you have not met her parents. Is she embarrassed to be seen with you at these events? Sounds like she tries to hide you a bit.

[metrogirl]

You two are acting very childish. The t*t for tat thing isn't going to get you very far and you will probably find yourself single really soon.

[xxbobxx]

No, I have met her parents.

 

It's not * * * for tat. It's showing her she should treat people how she wants to be treated.

[xxbobxx]

I thinking acting 11 is having a cow about it, but I don 't.

[jakel]

ah! yes games and more games! I happen to be very familiar with this sort of thing. You sound as if your not being honest enough, and unlike her your not asking to go. The obligatory c*** that our S.O. ought to just know to ask is all in our head. Its an amazing thing, they really don't know what we are thinking! The underlying theme is generally something like this,

 

I have fear I am always going out of my way and doing things for her and she never does anything in return.

I have fear she doesn't value me.

I have fear she thinks I'm a fool she can walk all over.

 

Its poison and generally of our own making

[jakel]

Just trying to be cool and not say anything will in my exp end up making for more resentment and feeling more victimized

[xxbobxx]

She never gives me a chance to ask. She just goes and I find out like last minute. I did finally say something. I told her the she's selfish.

[Iakasot]

I have a feeling that she's gonna dump you, and you'll feel like it's unfair that she can do that stuff and get away with it and you can't. You know what the worst part is? In her mind she feels like she's right and that it's different.

[xxbobxx]

I don't really feel victimized. Just want to know whose right. I just don't like how she plays the victim.

[Iakasot]

I don't really feel victimized. Just want to know whose right. I just don't like how she plays the victim.

You're right. But that being said, she'll probably dump you for trying to make things equal, and you'll feel like it's even more unfair once that happens. I'm speaking from experience, as I've been in those situations.

[Ariel85]

I thinking acting 11 is having a cow about it, but I don 't.

 

Maybe a calf, then.

 

Your whole attitude is so combative. The way you talk about her is with such disdain and aggravation. Like everything is a big contest, and it's some major sacrifice for you to even see her.

 

Why are you bothering? I don't feel the love.

[Iakasot]

Maybe a calf, then.

 

Your whole attitude is so combative. The way you talk about her is with such disdain and aggravation. Like everything is a big contest, and it's some major sacrifice for you to even see her.

 

Why are you bothering? I don't feel the love.

I've been in his situation. I'd bet money on the fact that he loves her more than she loves him. Sure, you could argue that there's no love, but he certainly has more than she does.

[xxbobxx]

Arial - I actually want her to go everywhere with me. Only thing holding me back, is that I don't get it in return.

[thejigsup]

I think she is not being fair, but relationships are never 50/50...ever. Someone is always giving more than their fair share. I think you just want her to give more once in awhile. You are not wrong to want that, but if you want a female to do that, you are going about it all wrong. You catch more flies with sugar than salt, my friend. Make it so she wants to be with you more than anyone else in the entire world!

[Iakasot]

I think she is not being fair, but relationships are never 50/50...ever. Someone is always giving more than their fair share. I think you just want her to give more once in awhile. You are not wrong to want that, but if you want a female to do that, you are going about it all wrong. You catch more flies with sugar than salt, my friend. Make it so she wants to be with you more than anyone else in the entire world!

I think he's already tried that by giving her more a lot. He's also tried communication and that didn't work either. I completely understand why he's changing his approach if it's the only option left, aside from dumping her.

[hexaemeron]

Arial - I actually want her to go everywhere with me. Only thing holding me back, is that I don't get it in return.

 

So just because you decide you want her to go everywhere with you, she -has- to decide the same thing. Is she not an indepdent person with her own attitudes and perspectives? Perhaps if you focused less on being validated, you'd be happier in your relationship.

[Iakasot]

So just because you decide you want her to go everywhere with you, she -has- to decide the same thing. Is she not an indepdent person with her own attitudes and perspectives? Perhaps if you focused less on being validated, you'd be happier in your relationship.

But his gf is focused on being validated, so it's not fair for him to not be. She obviously thinks she has a RIGHT to demand that, but he can't?

[hexaemeron]

But his gf is focused on being validated, so it's not fair for him to not be. She obviously thinks she has a RIGHT to demand that, but he can't?

 

Being an independent person is not being validated. Relationships aren't leashes. He's acting like some kind of prison warden and he's butthurt because she won't put a leash on him. It's completely apples and whales.

[sunnyhappydays]

I don't get it. Do you actually ask her AT THE TIME why she has not invited you? Did you bring this up when you didn't go to the first wedding? It seems like you didn't say anything and now have blown up and gotten angry.

[Iakasot]

Being an independent person is not being validated. Relationships aren't leashes. He's acting like some kind of prison warden and he's butthurt because she won't put a leash on him. It's completely apples and whales.

It's not apples and whales, because she got SO UPSET when he wouldn't invite her and take her with him. BY YOUR OWN LOGIC, she has no right to, because that's just focusing on validation

[hexaemeron]

It's not apples and whales, because she got SO UPSET when he wouldn't invite her and take her with him. BY YOUR OWN LOGIC, she has no right to, because that's just focusing on validation

 

Hmm. Okay, you have a point. Conceded. I guess she wants to have her cake and eat it too?

[Iakasot]

Hmm. Okay, you have a point. Conceded. I guess she wants to have her cake and eat it too?

She wants an unequal relationship that favors her in every way. This is common.

[xxbobxx]

thejigsup - thx for the advice! Yea, I felt like I given her alot already. Taken here everywhere with me -- friends' bdays, on trips to Chicago, Boston, Cancun, Austin, etc. I didn't start really noticing where I've taken her or cared, till I was like, wow she goes to alot of stuff without me.

 

iakasot - EXACTLY! If she wants to be independent, lets be independent then. I wasn't really upset until she got upset at my for not taking her to my friends' bday. I wasn't going to really let me bother me until then.