narcissistic mother

[Miss Reid]

I've been trying to distance myself from my mother and her typical narcissistic behavior that I've been plagued by since childhood. I've lately been successful in not allowing her to succeed in her usual "bait and switch" routine where she lures me in for a terrific argument and gets me riled up to the point of tears and irrational speech; once I'm hysterical, she flips a switch and becomes calm and sits back to enjoy the show, shaking her head and muttering, "Oh, sweetheart. Look at you. You need help." Anyway, I haven't allowed this scenario for quite sometime now. But it's killing her that I won't take the bait, so she's trying to solicit a fight by upsetting my children. She accused my 13-year-old son of loving his grandfather more than he loves her. Then she accused him of wanting to be around her only because she gives him money. So how can I let this go? It's easy when she's out to hurt just me, but when she pulls my children into it, the rules change. All I have to do is fight with her, and she'll be satisfied for awhile. Maybe I should just let her have a good screaming match and be done with it. Any thoughts?

[DieTeufelKatze]

Wow, this woman sounds pretty toxic... if anyone needs help it's her.

 

The best solution is also one that is most drastic and difficult to execute: to extricate her from your life. You would be far from the first to divorce from a toxic parent, however. We can't choose who our parents are, and we can even love them while still recognizing the toxic influence they have in our lives and thus the need to limit contact.

 

That being said, it is also difficult because you would be keeping a grandparent away from a child, no parent wants to do that to their children. HOWEVER, it sounds as if it may be worth considering at least somewhat curtailing your son's contact with your mom since she's playing mind games with him and trying to engage in very negative behaviors by eliciting a fight. If I were you, my concern with not wanting my kids to be exposed to toxic behavior would definitely make me consider disengaging from a mother like that. It also helps if you do it with an air of compassion and grace and keeping your side of the street clean - besides just being the right way to handle it, it will subtly demonstrate to your child(ren) that it is okay to set good boundaries. (Be sure to keep them out of it if your mother gets volatile - protect them at all costs).

[Angel Irulan]

Well, actually I think sociopathy is a pretty good dx for what she did, the game she played with you. It also is into the serial bully realm. But you need to stay back and keep your children informed that her behavior isn't quite right. To either cut contact of diminish it. Personally, I would stay away.

Angel

[Miss Reid]

I've been reading about NBD, and I'm nearly convinced that totally separating myself from her is my only option. I was hoping I could settle for what some people refer to as "low contact," but that's not looking promising. She has tried to turn my kids against me in the past, but it has been several years since she was active on that campaign trail, so I've let my guard down. Things are starting to escalate again now, though, and I think it's because she recently got divorced and no longer has my step-dad to use as a punching bag. She needs to whip up on me more than ever now. I'll swear, it's like an addiction she needs to feed. To further illustrate this, consider what happened recently: Just a few weeks prior to picking the fight with me through my son, I got married in a very small ceremony. She was clearly in attendance, waiting with the few others who were there for me to walk up the stairs, marking the beginning of the ceremony. As I made my way up the stairs, she slipped down a back staircase and waited until the service had already begun before making a second, noticeably late entrance. She later accused me of disliking her to such an extent that I started my wedding without her. Then she posted a facebook status bragging on how she was such "the doting mother" that she nearly missed her daughter's wedding when she went downstairs to help her get ready for the big moment. Never mind that I had been getting ready for nearly a half-hour prior to that. And never mind that several people witnessed her leaving just after a quite audible announcement was made to an intimate group that I was headed up the stairs. I'm so exhausted with her. Clearly, even on my wedding day, it will always be all about her.

[Angel Irulan]

That is soooo serial bully. Read the page, [link removed[/url] if it's still up. Either way you are socially messed. She's going to make you look like dogmeat, unless you take proactive steps. Some people don't really get too upset when someone lies about them and slam them, some do. How do you feel about taking the steps you need to protect yourself? After reading it again and thinking about it, the serial bully does fit. She has the triad of behaviors that resemble NPD ASPD and HPD. All of this is bad news. What she will do, if she has not already, is do something to make you mad and get you to react. Then she's going to turn around to others and point at you and say: "See, I told you what she is!" And then walk off and you will have several people who believe her side of things. A good reputation is a priceless thing to have. I know, I had to fight for mine because of a few good liars in my small hometown.

 

Angel

[kookybird]

"...her usual "bait and switch" routine where she lures me in for a terrific argument and gets me riled up to the point of tears and irrational speech; once I'm hysterical, she flips a switch and becomes calm and sits back to enjoy the show"

 

You have described one of my mother's tricks to a tee. I couldn't put my finger on her creepy calmness and little smile but you did it for me. I am just figuring out what to do about my mother (and my narcissistic sister), but I don't have young children. Protect them and get professional help so your mother doesn't inflict more damage. Call it for what it is and take action to head her off at the pass. You and your family deserve to be with people who are loving and respectful. I am on the "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" forum and hoping that I will get more help there. Wishing you the best in your healing.