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Reconciliations...or trying

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At what point during a reconciliation do you have "the talk" or just give up? Long Story short, I dont do "slow" very well. LOL Call me needy, call me impatient, call me whatever. But after a LTR, it is very difficult to take things slow and try dating again.


Long story short, mine has come back (not sure if he ever really left) Broken up maybe a month, month and a half.

He started coming back around slowly with emails, then calls, then excuses to come over. So its been I guess around 2 weeks or so since we've been spending time together. seen him probably 4 or 5 days out of these 2 weeks. Been 5 days since Ive seen him last and he will be coming over later this evening.

I find it a little hard to go almost a week without seeing him, but am trying to trick my mind into believing that this is what I have to deal with for now.


On the plus side, he calls me just about every day now....not usually just to say hi, but for things that he could much easier just send a text or email about. Now I find he is choosing to call instead of email which I see as positive. (Before the breakup, a lot of contact was via email - now he never does and will always pick up the phone to ask me a question or whatever)


We are both scared this time around, and keeping our cards hidden somewhat. We did have an amazing time the last we saw each other, laughing and enjoying each others company like we hadnt in a long long time. And we talked a little bit, basically about how good our connection was...but he wasnt sure if we were back together yet. And some comments from him trying to see if I went out with anyone during the time we split. jealousy? In a lot of regards, he behaves like we are, and does things for me like a boyfriend does, and even more than he did before, but then again, not spending the amount of time with him that i used to, keeps my brain in check that we arent quite there yet.


Some days I think its the worst rollercoaster ride I have ever been on, and then when we spend time together, I forget all about it. My brain is my absolute worst enemy. I sometimes think in worst case scenarios...


anyways, long post as per usual...but is a talk necessary here, or is going with the flow the best way to go? I feel a little like i am walking on eggshells afraid to scare him away. I was always nonchalent when we started dating and then became somewhat smothering I think. So I need to find a balance, but not sure how to proceed.



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It's good to see more reconciliation threads on the Getting Back Together board. It's been rough for a lot of people doing NC with their exes, so I think seeing some more threads about people working on their relationships gives some positivity to this board.


I'm going through a reconciliation, and man it's rough. I completely agree with this statement days I think its the worst rollercoaster ride I have ever been on, and then when we spend time together, I forget all about it. My brain is my absolute worst enemy. I sometimes think in worst case scenarios...It's going to be a long-distance thing from now on, so our actual contact is limited. When we're on the webcam, doing google chat, and being on the phone with her makes it feel just like old times. We talk for 2+ hours each time; the time just flies by when we're talking. We saw each other in person just once after being around each other for the past couple of years. The sparks just flew. It was amazing just having her around me again. But, due to the natural distance, my mind is will just wander and start worrying and doubting, as if it was some sort of defense mechanism to prevent me from getting my hopes up and let down. Unpleasant thoughts of jealousy and resentment usually make me feel uneasy about the whole reconciliation process. While my ex has been pretty eager in our interactions, I can tell she's nervous and a little guarded. She probably feels the same insecurity and worry that I'll break up with her again. That's why I can totally empathize with the playing-the-cards-close-to-the-chest dynamic of reconciling.


But whatever it is, there's not much turning back now. If I stay too guarded and start stringing her along, it will leave things too vague and ultimately broken. I got some advice on this board about how you can't pretend to be single, yet be emotionally tied down to someone else. It would be unfair to both of us. If I lay my heart down on the line, then she might not be ready to accept all of that necessarily because she's still hurt from the breakup. I would just be foolishly pushing her. So, it's a balancing act between wanting to be secure and not being too vulnerable.


However, the one piece of advice I can give you as someone going through something similar to you, you've got to be comfortable with both outcomes of getting back together and a failed attempt. The pain from the breakup should've taught you about yourself and hardened your emotions to deal with either possibility.


For me, I'm taking it very slow, but I'm just going to let things unfold as they do. We already talked about all the problems that have to be overcome, but there's definitely going to be more work on them. I know how you feel about wanting to address them some more without being negative and smothering. The thing is, as with all elephants in the room, they're going to have to be brought up at some point. Just make sure you're not coming from a place of insecurity, but rather, for the sake of making things work for both of you. It's going to be a balance between not pushing too hard on the issues (and possibly pushing the ex away) and forgiving each other from the breakup. It's a matter of being comfortable with each other again so that the insecurities can go away. While it's scary, it's going to require me to let my guard down some more. But, I've got to go all the way with it. I don't think I could live with that "what if". Even if it didn't work out, I'll know that I was vulnerable but gave it a shot. The relationship is worth it.


She's coming up for lunch tomorrow and again for the weekend. I'm really excited, yet very nervous about seeing her this week. I feel that going through all this with her, something good has to come from this (an absurd self-affirmation?). I'm a little self-doubting right now, but when I see her, I'll forget about it again. Hopefully, she can help me get rid of those doubts.


I'm glad you made your post because lately, it's been hard to find someone going through this. Reconciliations are pretty unique to the relationship, so it's good to see other people's experience with it. This thread also shows that reconciling is just as difficult. It's not supposed to happen magically - as if your ex is going to come rushing back into your arms and all the problems are forgiven and resolved. It takes just as much work on the relationship as it takes to work on yourself. People who reconcile and stay together for the long haul have to put in a ton of work on the relationship. Otherwise, without overcoming the problems, you wouldn't be able to deal with future issues. All successful relationships get through trial and adversity. It makes both people feel that the relationship is worth more because of all the work put into it.

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Welcome to the reconciliatin marathon. And that is what it is....a journey from what you had, as disfunctional as it was, to what you could have. At this point in the process, the best tools are patience, trust and forgiveness. One day at a time --- don't project the future, because you honestly can't get there without getting thru today.


Give up the neediness and focus on trust. Fill your life with things outside the relationship so it doesn't become the sole focus.


Enjoy the journey....it is a time of growth (that's why it is so painful) and imagine arriving at the destination and getting to enjoy all the fruits of your labor.

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