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I was seeing Jeff for 6 months. I say seeing because there wasn’t anything ever official between us but keep in mind we were just like a couple from the moment with met—serious flirting, manic infatuation, etc. We would spend time at each other’s places, were intimate with each other probably more than we should have, held hands and kissed in front of other people, complimented each other, were supportive of each other’s views, we were exclusive (it just kind of came to be), spit out “love yas” (notice the phrasing—not serious) only in texts, and all that relationship-like drama. At one point, I felt like he wasn’t giving me the place I wanted but at the same time, I didn’t want to be pushy or needy. I’ve never been the type of girl to ask, “I need to know where we are at.” Because I figured that if he ever wanted to make us “official”, he would.


I was also always mindful of giving him his space to the point that I would let him initiate contact just as much as I did in case he felt smothered, and he if he wanted to go out with his friends, I would leave him alone and he would do the same. I was never jealous or controlling about any of his female friends either. Interest (without purpose?) came from both ways, and he was always the one that insisted on exclusivity—but never clarified a relationship, being a couple, me being his girlfriend or anything.

But to the point -- he would introduce me as a friend, and that’s probably what pissed me off the most since everyone would joke, “With benefits?” He would clearly get jealous when I would go on dates with other guys (he didn’t do this) which was something I did twice. But at the same time, I was still the friend. I got sick of the same old stuff, and broke up with him. I just told him our “thing” was occupying too much of my time, and I just needed to focus on other things. I practically said I needed to go back to being the old introverted me. In a way this was true because I didn’t need to waste my time on something that I felt wasn’t going anywhere and take time from every other aspect of my life to focus on something that wasn’t giving me what I wanted.


Fast-forward a few days and he doesn’t want to “let me go” but he doesn’t state in what way this is—it just feels like emotional blackmail: crying, silence, and overemotional unnecessary bull * * * * . He sent me an “I love you”, sent me a framed pictured of us together, flowers, and a “Best friend in the world” card saying “I hope you know how much you mean to me” to all which I replied, “Thank you” We even got together and had sex and he didn’t want to leave. At this point, I just want to tell him to * * * * off because it all seems like a bit fat game but yet he’s been the most genuine person I’ve met in my life (and there isn't even another girl)—so that’s not it? But here is my question, what does this all mean? All the stuff he does is not consistent with friendship, and yet the stuff he says isn’t consistent with a relationship—there just seems to not be a goal here. His lack of path and what seems like an endless journey just sickens me, and I just feel like he’s playing with my emotions.


We’ve been in contact but I am not sure this is the best either. Should I end it once and for all, or what?

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Read this:

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"If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume."


"Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader."

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I think that since he got everything he wanted without being official, he never saw a need to formalize the relationship if you will. He never will see a need either if you continue to have sex with him even when you're not together. And yes, contact in this situation isn't really a breakup. The fact that he still calls you a friend is weird though because you're right, his emotional blackmail (it is what it is) is not consistent with friendship so something tells me he's just scared to go there. I think this is just the typical case of FWB gone wrong, but I think HE's still the victim in this situation because he's the one that seems like he's in pain (crying, silence, "overemotional" stuff") but you just seem sick of the situation and ready to fly. I think the best option would be to end it, or just telling him what you want (but then again, you're not that "type of girl").


Did you maybe some day express reluctance to commitment (being in a relationship), or is there a reason why he wouldn't do it? Your attitude of "I feel like I'm wasting my time" gives us this vibe that maybe he got scared of formalizing because perhaps you didn't have "time" for the relationship either.

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Did you ever just say to him "look, my beef is that I don't like being 'the friend' when it's so clear we're more than that?"

I say this because, if he's just that wonderful and feels that much, then maybe he never thought to clarify it, maybe he just thought you guys were there. Even if this isn't the case, perhaps while he's having one of his "I love you" moments, you should just ask why you aren't an official couple.

Also, he's said and done all this but did you ever actually tell him you wanted more or just that you didn't want what you had any more?


Sorry to push the questions



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