About to confront my wife

[JustDiedInside]

I cannot believe what I just saw. I have suspected my wife is having an affair. I set up a nanny cam and now I have evidence that she is cheating on me.

 

I have been on this site for a couple of years. I have a different user name but I didn't want to use it becasue I cannot believe I am in this situation after all of the advice I have given.

 

I have been married for six years. I am 42 and my wife is 32. Big gap, but it never feels that way. We have no kids together. Good relationship for the first couple of years, then things started changing. Our sex life went downhill first. We went from having sex 4 or 5 times a week to a few times a month. Not sure why. We were trying for a child around that time and it just didn't happen. The past year, we have had sex about once a month. Very often my wife will offer to give me a bj in lieu of sex, always having some physical ailment that makes her not want to have sex.

 

Last November I started to get skeptical about my wife. She started going to the gym all of the time, doing her hair every few days at the salon, buying new clothes, etc, etc, etc. -- all of the things you read people do when they are having an affair. I am a lawyer and have a very questioning nature. When I noticed all of these things I started paying attention more. My wife works for a not-for-profit and only goes into the office a few days a week. So it would be easy for her to cheat if she wanted to. I would look at her calendar and her phone every once in a while and everything always added up.

 

We went away for the July 4th weekend. When we were out for lunch, she excused herself to take a call. She went outside but I could still see her from the table. She was clearly texting, not talking on the phone. When she came back to the table she claimed she had to call the office. I said, "really, I thought you got a call from someone." She said no, but she realized she had forgotten to do something at the office and called her assistant to take care of it. Later that day I checked her phone and there were no texts at all for the day. So whatever she texted, she deleted it. There was a very quick call to her office. So she evidently did call her office.

 

The following week was when I realized I was being cheated on (about two weeks ago). When we were getting ready to go to bed, I turned down the comforter and noticed the sheet was pushed all the way to the foot of the bed. I know for sure when I made the bed that morning that I didn't leave the sheet like that. I also noticed that the bed smelled of her perfume. I asked my wife, "what's with the sheet." She came out of the bathroom and claimed she had gotten home early and lied down because of a migrane. I didn't buy it. The next day I installed a nanny cam in the smoke alarm near the bedroom doorway. Nothing the first two weeks. I have been checking the video when she is in the office. Today I came home and checked last Friday (she works Monday, Tuesaday and Thursday). Around 1:00, I see my wife come out of the master bathroom. She is wearing only panties and a tank. She has a towel and she throws it on the bed, so she obviously just took a shower. She then walks out of the bedroom. About an hour later, she comes back into the bedroom and she is completely naked, she goes right for the bathroom and 5 minutes later she comes out with a towel wrapped around her. Another shower?!?

 

I am sure there are possible explanations for this. But one of them is she just had sex with someone in the livingroom. My wife is not the kind of person to be walking around the house in panties. I cannot think of why she would come back into the room naked and then take a second shower.

 

She is in the office now. I am going to call her and tell her to come home to discuss an emergency. And then I am going to confront her with the video.

[italiannmf24]

I honestly couldn't give straight advice on this type of situation, it's not in my area.

 

You don't have absolute 100% proof of anything although her actions are strange.

 

I wouldn't jump to conclusions so easily, honestly.

[RedDress]

Actually, I think it's a mistake to confront her on it.

 

Here's how it will go. She will look at the video and she will deny, deny, deny. Then she will call you paranoid. She will find a way to turn it all back around on you and you will second guess yourself. She will tell you that you are a terrible person for putting in a spy cam and make you feel like the worst person in the world.

 

She will do this whether she is guilty or innocent.

 

Then you will be in a downward spiral. You will question whether you were right or whether you were paranoid. You will question if YOU are ruining the marriage.

 

I think this approach is a mistake... but good luck! Maybe it will turn out differently...

[Brownstone322]

I am sure there are possible explanations for this. But one of them is she just had sex with someone in the livingroom. My wife is not the kind of person to be walking around the house in panties. I cannot think of why she would come back into the room naked and then take a second shower.

 

She is in the office now. I am going to call her and tell her to come home to discuss an emergency. And then I am going to confront her with the video.

I wouldn't confront her yet. I mean, if you're correct, then confronting her won't change anything. In fact, it would halt your chances of getting absolute proof, which you do not yet have (unless, of course, you hope to gain a confession).

 

Your evidence is in fact intriguing, but I would try to get more. Always consider the possibility that you could be wrong. I don't encourage or condone spying, but if you're going to resort to that, at least try to find the smoking gun before you go publiuc.

 

EDIT As RedDress wrote above, the video evidence isn't strong enough to preclude an indignant denial from the wife.

[Seraphim]

Be SUPER sure you are right. Either way your marriage is about to blow up in your face. If you are wrong you blew up your marriage for no reason.

[blackhawks1287]

Technically her actions are suspicious, but I would omit the video with not having anything conclusive on the video

 

The only other thing you could do is install them in other areas. You did make a comment about the sheet, so now she subconsciously knows you are noticing the little things.

 

She may have moved it to another room she may not have, but I install other cameras first, or try to catch her in the act so I KNOW FOR SURE 100% and she won't get anything (you are a lawyer and she is not for profit...I am assuming you make good money) just a thought.

 

I am sorry you are going through this and I can understand on some level, good luck man.

[Seraphim]

Maybe she was sprucing her self up after having kids? Having kids can sometimes make a woman feel frumpy. So maybe she was going to the gym to feel good. Maybe she was buying clothes to feel good. Maybe she DID have a sleep because she had a migraine, I often need a nap because of a migraine. Not every woman who goes to the gym and buys new clothes has someone on the side. Two showers in one day is no indication of having someone on the side either.

[blackhawks1287]

Maybe she was sprucing her self up after having kids? Having kids can sometimes make a woman feel frumpy. So maybe she was going to the gym to feel good. Maybe she was buying clothes to feel good. Maybe she DID have a sleep because she had a migraine, I often need a nap because of a migraine. Not every woman who goes to the gym and buys new clothes has someone on the side. Two showers in one day is no indication of having someone on the side either.

 

they have no kids....tried, but no go

[lukeb]

Why is it so important to catch her in the act? I just don't get why this needs to be turned into you are wrong I am right kind of a deal. Ask yourself if you want to make this marriage work, it is clear it hasn't been working for a long time. You are exerting all this energy setting up a cam etc. while you should be using this energy to reconnect with your wife. Either that, or just call the marriage off, if there is no willingness to make it work. It is not necessary to find an actual reason other than you just don't love each other anymore.

[Seraphim]

they have no kids....tried, but no go

 

Aw ok, I thought I read kids some place.

 

But still trying to be in shape and pretty is still not concrete proof that someone has someone on the side. Once that confrontation is out there, it is out there and it can not be taken back. Either way guilt or innocent, marriage will be dead in the water.

[sharp pencil]

It does sound very suspicious, But Victoria66 has good points. I would hold off for now and not confront until you have undeniable evidence.

[blackhawks1287]

Aw ok, I thought I read kids some place.

 

But still trying to be in shape and pretty is still not concrete proof that someone has someone on the side. Once that confrontation is out there, it is out there and it can not be taken back. Either way guilt or innocent, marriage will be dead in the water.

 

Of course, there clearly seems to be LACK OF TRUST, the most important thing in a relationship. She clearly, by her suspicious (lack of proof) actions doesn't seem to want to make it work and not trying to get anything more out of her current squeeze. I personally don't know what the living or financial circumstances are of this marriage or who is better off, but I know one thing, if it continues like this...

 

I.E. Him lacking trust, her getting her needs met elsewhere...this marriage is in fact dead...and IF HE DOESN'T have evidence....then he may get screwed in whatever the outcome. So it is a power of wills...making it work regardless of her actions or what might have happened vs catching her with proof to end the inevitable.

[tmtex]

Well i kinda had the same story. Wife all of suddon works late(she hated work), started the gym, bought new clothes, acted different, texted like a teen. I could never actually prove anything, always asked but it got the "oh your crazy, i am not doing anything" Well Last halloween i checked the cell phone records on the net. WOW what did i find....pages and pages and pages of texting, calls all to the same number. She freaked!! when i confronted her, even called the POS up and he hung up on me like a coward.

Anyway, we were divorced 7/11/11 and I WON IT ALL. The house, the kids, she pays child support, insurance etc... Point it get real proof before so you dont look like a fool.

[Seraphim]

OP, I would explore WHY you feel suspicious. It is just your nature or your job that make you that way and there fore you are looking at her actions with that lens of perception or if you are REALLY seeing suspicious behavoir.

[FreedomRing]

Gut is usually right....but another vote for installing additional cams....you don't have enough proof as it stands now to confront her.

[ferna3069]

well the whole situation with the cams is just a little crazy, u can always go to the site from your service provider and see what text . i wouldnt say anything just yet

[testcase]

I agree with everyone else. Get more proof before you blow the lid off the thing! I know your gut reaction is to find out what's going on right now but you have to build your case so you protect yourself if you end up in the worst case scenario. Confronting her now won't put you in that position.

[Seraphim]

Women are in a catch 22 in some cases. If they do not do anything with themselves, husbands whine....my wife is so frumpy she does not look after herself etc etc, I am not attracted to her anymore. If she goes to the gym and looks nice, she is having an affair, danged if you do and danged if you don't, you know?

[george237]

Doesn't sound like she is cheating to me. Maybe she had to delete her messages because they were full? People do weird things all the time when they have privacy. Maybe she worked out and got a second shower.

[george237]

Women are in a catch 22 in some cases. If they do not do anything with themselves, husbands whine....my wife is so frumpy she does not look after herself etc etc, I am not attracted to her anymore. If she goes to the gym and looks nice, she is having an affair, danged if you do and danged if you don't, you know?

 

False, thats only with insecure guys. If I'm with you, your taking care of yourselves. I look my best and I expect nothing less for the person I'm with.

[Seraphim]

False, thats only with insecure guys. If I'm with you, your taking care of yourselves. I look my best and I expect nothing less for the person I'm with.

 

That is why I said IN SOME cases.

[Brownstone322]

You are exerting all this energy setting up a cam etc. while you should be using this energy to reconnect with your wife. Either that, or just call the marriage off, if there is no willingness to make it work. It is not necessary to find an actual reason other than you just don't love each other anymore.

All fair points.

 

Gut is usually right....

Not true, never was. There is zero research or statistics to support the idea of "gut feelings." Vegas casino owners get rich off other people's "guts."

 

He either needs to wait for better evidence or simply have an open, heartfelt discussion now. But he's in no position for a confrontation.

[Kitkat973]

You can't prove that she's not cheating. All you can manage with this is feeling like you're constantly on the edge of catching her.

 

If you do find solid proof, what will be your next step? What do you want from it?

[april15]

She will deny, deny and deny some more and you do not have rock solid evidence. I had rock solid evidence and she still denied. She still insists that I photo-shopped her into that video with her toy and made up the lab results showing semen on her panties. If you are positive in your mind, you are done, and you should move forward. Just don't expect her to confess.

[george237]

She will deny, deny and deny some more and you do not have rock solid evidence. I had rock solid evidence and she still denied. She still insists that I photo-shopped her into that video with her toy and made up the lab results showing semen on her panties. If you are positive in your mind, you are done, and you should move forward. Just don't expect her to confess.

 

It wasn't me