Red Flags?

[mactownman]

So I have been casually dating this girl for a little over a month now. She is a cutie and we have similar interests and goals in life. We get along well and always have a good time when we are together, however, a few things have been bothering me.

 

I feel she may be "rushing" into a relationship. I am ~3 months removed from a long term relationship so I am looking to take things very slowly, no expectations. Just seeing where things go with us. However, she has been very clingy, always finding excuses to be in contact with me, always wanting to be with me. She asks me out on dates and shows up to places I am at with friends (we have mutal friends so this may be acceptable, but once there she clings on to me), etc. Sometimes this does not sit well with me, but should it? Is this normal in any way? Should these actions be considered flattering or crazy? I mean, it does always feel nice to have someone want you.

 

She talks about her ex. I don't talk about my ex in front of her as there is nothing to talk about, we are done. However, she will bring up her ex in passing and mention that he was a jerk, etc. She is ~1 year removed from this relationship and they are in no-contact (as far as I know). Last week we were out, had been drinking, and she saw something that reminded her of her ex and she got kind of upset about it. It really turned me off to her and made me consider ending it then and there. Issues? Still hung up on ex?

 

I have been bad at spotting red flags in the past. I feel that the time I have spent on ENA has enlightened me a bit so now I am seeing these things and wondering if they are deal-breakers or if I am just being hypersensitive to them. ENA can make you paranoid! I do like this girl, but do not want to get into a toxic relationship. Is she relationship material? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[banal]

I don't think the ex thing is a problem.

 

Her clinginess may be if it means that she has taken to showing up unannounced to places where you are. I'm a bit different from most people, in that I like to be contacted by my girlfriend / dates and to have them show a lot of interest in me, but even that seems a bit much.

 

None of these are dealbreakers. A dealbreaker is coming home to your girlfriend, she's on the couch sniffling, and she admits that she cheated on you with Joe the gardener. Or you get a call from your boss, and he wants to know why this woman called "The Dark Stalker" is demanding that you get a pay raise or else she'll go blow the building up. The stuff you mentioned may be red flags - and as red flags, they mean you should keep your eyes and ears open for further trouble. But I'd hardly consider them breakupable offenses...if you find her clinginess annoying, then what you can do is tell her that you want to take things a bit slower and to have some space.

[Snowy]

She sounds like she's infatuated in you.

 

Tell her that you both have a life and her life shouldn't revolve around you.

 

She should at least respect your personal space.

[Cheetarah]

I don't think ex-speak is off limits in relationships, but when A). It's a month in and it's bashing, AND they've been broken up for a year - Not a good sign. She may not be hung up on him as far as still in love with him, but she may not be over the hurts yet at all. I would also be turned off if I was on a date and my date had an ex reminder and got all emo about it! I would think they either weren't over them, or weren't over the pain - In any case, probably not ready to be with me.

 

You don't have to say yes to the dates if you're not comfortable seeing her that often. How often do you see her? I think it's normal in the beginning to get caught up and want to spend all your time with someone, but most of us know you curb that urge and take it easy. Is she always calling and texting?

[sidehop]

A red flag for both of you; it's not your fault obviously but if you're just coming out of a relationship and sounds like she is it's just better to stay away from each other and remain friends.

 

Chances are there's more risk when you're ready and she's still being clingy if not constantly thinking about her ex. Personally I wouldn't bother with someone like her. She may be around a lot but emotionally she sounds like a complete mess.

[mactownman]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Your opinions are really helping me gain some clarity.

 

banal, nice dealbreakers you mentioned. Huge red flags! I would like to explain to her that I want space and want to take it slower, but it's a difficult subject to broach. I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel crazy. It's also mired in vagueness.

 

Mintiya, yeah, she probably got screwed over by the ex judging by her reaction to that stimulus. I dont know what happened, don't really care to know. I like seeing her, but not so often. Usually I see her Thurs - Sunday. We both work fulltime and she is taking Mon - Wed GMAT classes at night. She calls and texts often, but not too much.

 

Sidehop, you are probably right. I would just hate to miss out or have regrets. There is something to be said about "playing it out" and seeing where it goes. Jeez, maybe she is a complete mess. Why me?

 

Another thing that bothers me is how she tries to make lots of future plans or interject herself into plans I already have. I am taking a couple of trips this fall and she basically invited herself along. For instance, I am traveling for a week with one of my good buddies, a manly trip. She essentially invited herself along. I had to tell her she couldnt come. Kinda felt bad about it.

[Cheetarah]

I don't know if she's a complete mess, but I think she's got some poor boundaries. I mean, inviting herself along for a trip already? Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about HER poor boundaries except take measurements to draw lines in the sand yourself. Don't be scared to do it, because if you let people walk all over you, they will do it.

 

And no "why me" stuff, either. This is part of the dating game. You are not meant to get 100% emotionally stable, well-rounded people with perfect boundaries on every shot, lol. This is...initiation rights stuff here. This is how we learn what we want and we don't and how to assert ourselves and our needs.

 

The longer you sit on this and stay uncomfortable, the more you'll grow to resent the situation and it'll just cause problems, anyhow. You'll have problems either which way you look at it. Yeah, it's not fun to tell someone you need a little more 'me' time, but if you can't tell her without the world exploding and some dramatic showdown, then you don't want her, anyway. Just do it. Do IT! Be impeccable with your word - Do what you mean, and mean what you say, be gentle, clear and concise, let it come from a place of compassion rather than irritation - Because it WILL come from the latter the longer you wait.

[mactownman]

You're right Mintiya, I need to assert myself here. I can already feel resentment growing toward the situation. No need to draw it out any longer. Thanks for your help!