twistedfate Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Long story short-- I reconnected with a guy I went to college with recently. He's a couple years younger than me, and we both worked at the college newspaper... about 3 years ago. We were facebook friends, but never really hung out over that time. Recently, he asked me if I'd be interested in getting some photos done with my new sports car (he's a photographer.) I thought it'd be a lot of fun, and a good chance to meet and hang out with some new people... reconnect, etc. I had been through a rough BU earlier this spring and I was feeling ready to get out and about. Little did I know, he had a crush on me years ago and this was how he wanted to break the ice The photo shoot went well and we had a good time. A couple days later, he took me out on a date. I was nervous that maybe I wasn't ready... but it was awesome. We clicked and we had a wonderful time. We've been hanging out quite a bit since and it's been awesome. I'm taking things slow because I don't want to jump into anything and get hurt. He's totally OK with this and he's very open about how he feels about me. The one thing that worries me is his lack of relationship experience. He's very mature for his age and isn't in the "party mindset" that most people our age are in. I'll be 26 soon and he'll be 23 soon. He says he's been burned by a lot of girls and his longest relationship with a girl was about 6 weeks. I've never had anything SUPER LT, but I've at least made it to 1.5 years, a couple 1 yr relationships. Should I worry about someone with little relationship experience? I worry he doesn't know what it takes to be with someone for a long time, that he isn't going to know how to communicate, compromise, etc... things you need to do in relationships. Granted, we all have to start somewhere, and who knows... he may just have a sense of that kind of thing. And with me taking it slow, I can figure out if he is ready for all that. Maybe I'm just trying to make excuses because I'm scared of getting hurt again... or are my worries valid? Link to comment
banal Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 You can draw both conclusions: I think your concerns are valid, and I also think you're scared of getting hurt again, justifiably so. But when you get down to it, what are you going to do about it? Are you really going to stop seeing this guy because he doesn't have much relationship experience? I'm going to assume not, so you'll have to go into this with some patience and understanding. One of my relationships was with a woman who had never been in a relationship longer than a month. We lasted about three years, so go figure... Link to comment
1guygirl Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 ok i would jus keep this in mind, and simply be mindful of the fact. take things slow, and look out for any red flags along the way, and deal with them if and when they spring up...if they do spring up, and you dont get a good response back ie you are being devalued and disrespected, then okays, you got your answer girls back then may have been too imature for him...i like the fact you say hes really mature...but then again, all that can change within a relationship because relationships are our biggest challenge and our greatest teachers my ex, was 33, and his last relationship of a year ended when he was 26. 7 whole years of singledom....he said he hadnt met anyone he liked enough and put relationships off and resigned himself to being single. well, my ex was immature and sometimes he was great, sometimes selfish because of him just being used to not having relationship experience. and he thought porn was the way to go sex wise *big fat no - take note guys!!!* this didnt make him a bad guy...but i did get tired of being 'teacher' at times. you and this guy could go either way, and it could be a wonderful journey for both of you, but look after your heart along the way....and post here if anything crops up end of day, you have to live life and not fear love all the best x Link to comment
Leya Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 My current guy was 35 when I met him - and had only had ONE relationship that barely lasted a year. And really, had only dated a few other girls very short term. This totally made me concerned/nervous!! But I liked him so I proceeded (with some caution, of course). I did worry he didn't have what it takes to make a relationship work and also didn't want to train a guy from scratch. However, it turns out, he is the most amazing boyfriend ever (2 years into our relationship) and we are talking marriage now. And the thing is, he totally appreciates me and what we have because he has been single for so long. ANd so he is so dedicated to us, doesn't have the "Grass is Greener" syndrome. I didn't have to do a lot of "training" with him either. Though, the other day I had to explain to him what Midol was, lol. He had no idea. He was just always that "nice guy" who girls would befriend and count on him for support (and complain to him to him when their boyfriends were acting like jerks, etc. But wouldn't date him (and he's not unattractive). Their loss! (I am sitting here next to a huge bouquet of flowers and a card my bf gave me for no special occasion, just random sweetness). So yeah, give it a go. It shouldn't take too long for you to figure out if your concerns are valid or not. Good luck! Link to comment
1guygirl Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 neither do I!!! good to hear a heart lifting story....happy for you both Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Really, anyone who is single who has had previous relationships could be viewed as damaged or suspect, because if they were awesome people, they'd still be in their relationships, right? You could have torpedoed your own relationship, or stayed with someone who torpedoed the relationship and didn't see it coming. That's the thing about logic. It can be used to justify anything. That's it's power and its flaw. Basically, I'd approach the interaction like you would with any new potential romance. Judge him on his behavior with you. He can't help his lack of relationship past. He could have been completely preoccupied with school and maybe just had bad luck meeting girls. But if he treats you with respect and you enjoy his company, why worry? Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 LOL, I love people who think that those who choose to be single either because they've been burned or really just haven't met anyone "special" are somehow weird. Frankly I think it's a good thing to not just bounce from chick to chick to chick, but that's just me. It sickens me when I've seen people that have spent a total of a few months single from high school until about 30. Not that they're having meaningful relationships, but they can never seem to handle being single Link to comment
Fudgie Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 He's still really young. I don't see him as weird for not having that much experience. I think it's better to wait than just date the wrong ones for years just so you "won't be alone". Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I don't think it's that weird for a 23 year old to have only been in a bunch of short term relationships. I would think that he just hadn't found anyone he wanted to get serious with and wasn't getting in serious relationship after serious relationship just for the sake of being in a serious relationship. I am more suspect of people who don't seem to be able to be single for any extended period of time. Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I don't think it's that weird for a 23 year old to have only been in a bunch of short term relationships. I would think that he just hadn't found anyone he wanted to get serious with and wasn't getting in serious relationship after serious relationship just for the sake of being in a serious relationship. I am more suspect of people who don't seem to be able to be single for any extended period of time. Exactly, if you can't be content with being alone, how can you be happy with another? Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Unless and until he actually DOES something that gives you real pause, why not just keep dating? This whole conflict seems theoretical at the moment and there are plenty of men with relationship experience that are astoundingly bad at relationships. Keep an open mind for now. Link to comment
wsim Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 He is only 23... I think you are too quick to judge and discount him. It disappoints me greatly that people are so quick to look at those who have zero to no relationship history as having something wrong with them or seemingly "diseased". I don't think it is really his fault if he hasn't found anyone in the past. I'm going to be 27 next month. I've never had a relationship before and only dated a girl for 2 months. Otherwise, my experience with dating/relationships is non-existent. It isn't my fault that it has come to this. I've never found a girl who liked me back and the ones that I was interested in are either taken or weren't into me. Numerous rejections along the way too. For some people, things just don't work out. It doesn't make them any less of a person. Link to comment
greywolf Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 If he had been in long-term relationships in that past that had crashed and burned, would that be any better? Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Exactly, why should people have had a series of horrible relationships to make them eligible to date. If there's chemistry and you enjoy the other person's company, that's all that matters. Frankly, it creeps me out when people have had so many relationships that have failed. It's like "Am I just going to be another fling?" Link to comment
sherryberrypie Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 My SO never had a relationship before he met me. He didn't want to date just anybody. In the beginning I worried that at some point he'd need to "sow his oats" but really that just wouldn't be him. Some guys just know what they want and they wait for it. I've met a few guys like that, actually. If you like him, and he likes you, go for it. Have fun, don't worry about what could be, just be in the moment. Link to comment
hopelesssucks Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 LOL, I love people who think that those who choose to be single either because they've been burned or really just haven't met anyone "special" are somehow weird. Frankly I think it's a good thing to not just bounce from chick to chick to chick, but that's just me. It sickens me when I've seen people that have spent a total of a few months single from high school until about 30. Not that they're having meaningful relationships, but they can never seem to handle being single agreed. I know that as a 38 year old female, never married, and can't remember my last date (well, can, but won't admit to it being before the invention of the smartphone), I would be devastated if some guy judged me only on that one completely inconsequencial detail. Reject me because I'm too analytical, reject me because I'm habitually late to church, but don't reject me because I never got asked to prom! Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 agreed. I know that as a 38 year old female, never married, and can't remember my last date (well, can, but won't admit to it being before the invention of the smartphone), I would be devastated if some guy judged me only on that one completely inconsequencial detail. Reject me because I'm too analytical, reject me because I'm habitually late to church, but don't reject me because I never got asked to prom! I didn't go to prom either. It's complicated, but my gf and I were broken up right around prom (we got back together in college for a bit) and I asked at least three other girls. What had happened was, hardly any guys in my class (at a private HS) ended up going. Nearly all the girls, or at least the single ones decided that they would go in groups, without dates. So, only a handful of guys ended up going, all one's with steady girlfriends. All the guys in my class of about 100 people, had the same story. "Yeah, I asked so and so, but they turned me down!" Didn't matter if you were an athlete, geek, etc. Ironically, all the guys in my class were cool with each other. We all kind of just got along, no one picked on each other, etc. All the girls were cliquish. I saw two fights in HS, both of them between girls, lol. Two years later apparently, my school actually did away with prom and dances, because this became a tradition for the girls to do Link to comment
Stay_home Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Sometimes the good thing about not having any experience is that you aren't as tainted and jaded by your own conclusions about relationships/love. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Sometimes the good thing about not having any experience is that you aren't as tainted and jaded by your own conclusions about relationships/love. Exactly. I would presume that having a long-term relationship means that a man knows how to communicate and solve problems either. Link to comment
boyblue Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 Good post leya and well done for giving a "nice" guy a chance. See girls us nice guys are worth it, stop going for jerks and give us a chance for once you might be pleasantly surprised. I'm always single and always girls say why are you single etc. I say well you date me then but they won't because i'm not a gabber mouth jerk! BB Link to comment
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