A Break - False hope?

[Skunk]

Well,

 

About a week and a half ago me and my partner split. She stated the reasons for this was because I had been out of work for roughly two months and that I was planning on going to live with my dad in another country. She simply thought there wasn't a future in us because we wanted different things. I obviously didn't want this, we've been together for almost two years and we hardly ever argued, everything was fine, I've just been an idiot recently without realizing and I accept responsibility for this. On a side note, I have been doing my absolute BEST to get a job and get back on my feet. I've been successful, and things are changing by the day since the 'split'. I've spoken to her a little bit since and she said if I can get back on my feet then there is a chance we'll get back together, but that she cant guarantee it. She wants a month apart.

 

So we come to our current state, which is essentially a break. What puzzles me is that she obviously had a lot of trouble making this decision and was very upset about it. When she came over a week or so back to collect her stuff she left a few things, and also left a couple of items of mine at her own house. I simply thought she forgot, but then I was thinking if you truly want to break up with someone, you'd completely block them out of your life and make sure you picked up and handed back everything, right? We haven't spoke in a few days. I've had a lot of time to think, evidently, and I am so determined to get her back and show her that I can fix it. I want to be with her which is a big part of the reason I chose to stay down here. I said a lot of things I didn't mean and I am kicking myself as I just haven't been thinking.

 

I'd just like someones advice as to where to go from here. I've been planning on calling her in a couple of days and seeing if she wants to get a drink perhaps, but I'm worried its too early. At the same time I think if I leave it too long she'll think I don't care or something of a similar sort. The worst thing is I know I can fix it, I just hope she can find it within herself to let me back in so I can prove it.

 

Thanks a lot.

[Wildcars]

You need to approach her with caution..

 

She obviously wants to feel that there's not just emotional security, but also financial security..

 

I would recommend waiting a little more while, maybe a month, let yourself truly calm down, and so also let her miss you a little.. Then call her up and see where that takes you..

 

If she were to think you didn't care, and were to move on so quickly, she's not the one.. If she really loves you, she will come to you, or it will just happen..

[Skunk]

Hmm I understand what you're saying, its really tough, and so frustrating. I'm just afraid she already knows that she doesn't want to be with me and that she is stringing this along to try and help me. I have no way of really knowing that though.

[Skunk]

Would really appreciate some more opinions as well just to get a general idea of the best way forward, thanks everyone.

[Edmund Exley]

Did she say that she wanted not to be in contact during the month off?

 

I think I would continue to work on you and finding a job and moving forward with your life. I would guess thats what she wants to see. She wants to see you stand on your own, not have to be pushed like she is your mother. I'm not sure how you spent the time you were unemployed, but something may have given her the impression that you were content with doing nothing. May have been a huge turn off for her, especially if she is driven. Please dont tell me you spent all day playing XBox......

[Skunk]

Hey Edmund, thanks for the reply. No she didn't, infact, to begin with she wanted to continue talking, then I think it got too much. She didn't reply to a friendly text I sent last weekend and she isn't making herself available on the internet (such as facebook chat) even though she is talking to others occasionally. Yes, I am doing my very best to get a job, infact I'm positive I'll have one in a matter of days. I'm a musician as well, so I've been getting as many gigs as I can, they all just need confirming.

 

I think it was a multitude of reasons. I was picky about getting a job, because I didn't want to get stuck in one that I wasn't enjoying, so I was taking my time. I left my last one because I wasn't earning enough money, and that ticked her off. Sods law that the company has now closed because the business did just suck. She doesn't know that though and I only just found out! And no, I didn't. I spent a lot of time lingering around, doing bits and pieces but nothing eccentric, I think it may have been my general drive.

 

The other thing is the fact she thought I wanted to go live abroad with my dad. We got back from a short holiday over there at the start of july, and I was contemplating staying if she did also, ONLY for a few extra weeks however. She wasn't up for it, and I made it out to seem I was going to stay in hopes of getting her to change her mind. I eventually folded when I realized she wouldn't, and I didn't expect her to, I was just giving it a go. In all honesty I didn't want to stay there unless she stayed with me, it isn't really for me anyway, I just wanted to have us experience something new. I chose to come back because I'd rather be with her.

 

This hit her hard, and I know its the other main reason, but I haven't had a chance to say my piece as it were. There is a lot she mis-judged, but all in all a lot of things I shouldn't said in the first place to avoid such a situation.

[Edmund Exley]

Seems you are in a tough spot. Lots of explantions left unsaid, but it seems she is 'avoiding' contact so to speak.

 

I can see her side of things about you just up and quitting the job because you weren't making enough money. In her eyes she probably looked at it as "Im not happy with a commitment so I will just quit it without a solution". She probably felt you should have obtained another job before leaving your income behind.

 

As for the living abroad thing, she may also have viewed this as a "lack of commitment" to both her and to your current situation. Some people dont like the idea of floating in the wind.

 

I dont know the details of what went down post breakup. If its been pretty amicable and you havent done the typical needy begging, crying, "I will change" schtick, then perhaps a letter/email saying "Look, I get it and Im trying" may help. If all the needy avenues have been gone down, it will simply be viewed as too little, too late and you should just give her some space, and proceed with doing what is best for your situation.

[Skunk]

Yeah definitely, that's a helpful post. The thing is, like most, I did go down that path, but it wasn't too bad, I wasn't THAT persistent, at least I don't think so. Even then it was only really texts about how we still had each others stuff and that it reminder us of one another. Then she came out with the job stuff and so on and that was pretty much it.

 

That is mainly what I'm torn between, whether or not it is worth writing her a letter, or possibly even calling in a few days. Or whether it is better to just leave it until she comes to me. I'm just worried she doesn't truly get that I understand how it must've been difficult for her. I'm so determined to make it right.

[Edmund Exley]

The only one you can make things right by is you. The rest will take care of itself.

 

I'd give it a few days.

[Skunk]

Well, we've seen some progress...of sorts, if you can call it that. I sent a letter that has not yet reached her, but it will by tomorrow. I think she has been anticipating some contact from me for a few days, and tonight she made herself available as such and we spoke a little about how her new job is going and mine. She also approached me with a problem and how to fix it. Unfortunately she was with her friend and we whern't really able to talk properly.

 

I'm thinking tomorrow may be a bit of a turning point...either way. I'm not sure how she feels at all to be honest, its all a bit rocky and I'm wondering if there is anyone can give on how to approach tomorrow if she contacts me about the letter, which I'm fairly certain she will.

[Skunk]

After reading all the NC stuff, I really think that's the best way, but the reason I sent the letter was to clear up some things. It wasn't needy or desperate, just informative. Will it do harm?

[Edmund Exley]

What was the meaning of the letter? Being that you assume it will lead to a turning point, Im guessing its a pitch for reconciliation.

[Skunk]

First and foremost, to explain some things unexplained. I was unable to really speak for myself as it happened so quickly. I made a few key mistakes such as showing a *false* lack of commitment due to my ignorance and foolishness. I didn't watch what I had to say, and I've paid the price for it. Having had some time to think, I've realized what I lost and that much of what I said and did wasn't how I truly felt, more a result of a lot of pressure from family affairs and other related things.

 

I simply wanted to clear this up and also show an understanding and respect towards her decision while still making her aware that I care about her. That was all the letter really contained. In a sense its more a pitch for understanding, of course I'm going to hope for reconciliation, but I don't expect it to come straight away, if at all.

[Skunk]

Bump, sorry to be persistent.

[Skunk]

Well, it is over. She came and collected the rest of her stuff. She just wants some space and doesn't want a relationship right now. We both said we know it worked so well, she just isn't feeling it, I think she just isn't ready. We're only 18-19.

 

We're gonna stay friends, do you think this is a good idea? Said we'd meet up for a drink and such in a few weeks.