Good guys finish last

[almost_20]

A little bit about me. I am a 21 year old male. I have had very limited experiences with love and girlfriends. I have never had sex, never kissed a girl, never officially had a girlfriend. I am no model but certainly no troll. I am in a very tough spot at this moment in time. I was on Facebook the other night and was shown a friend suggestion. It was a girl in high school that I knew, in fact it was the only girl I had a semi relationship with. It was this experience that completely screwed me up.

 

This little "relationship" showed me what it was like to have a girlfriend and I have not been able to have one since then (even though I can't count that as one really). I am trying to put into words what is in my head and can't seem to find the right words, I have been having dreams (nightmares?) lately about me and my lack of a dating life. And have posted before concerning it, only to be told that being single is blessing and that so many people wish they were me ect. But that Just depresses me more because those lines are so generic and I never would of thought that I would be getting fed those loser lines when I am 21!

 

I sometimes think to my self "I could be the best boyfriend a girl ever had, masculine, caring, respectful, she would be my princess". Then I think "but a girl doesn't want that, she wants to be treated like dirt and say otherwise, but I couldn't possibly do that. It's just not in me. I guess I will end up alone for the rest of my life". These thoughts come up partially because the girl that I mentioned earlier was in fact that same way. When I was in high school I was a little bit cocky and this girl rubbed me the wrong way. So I didn't really treat her very nice, but then to my surprise my mistreatment turned her on to me, and she was all over me like white on rice. But then after I warmed up to her I acted my natural normal self and well you see where I am now. Where are the girls for the nice guys? For me? Now to every one who says that being almost completely inexperienced at the age of 21 is normal, I am here to say to you that it isn't, because when your own OVERPROTECTIVE HISPANIC mother asks when are you going to get a girlfriend, the sinking feeling in my stomach is proof enough that it is in fact not normal, at least not to anyone I know.

 

So that is a completely scattered and probably incoherent summary of my thoughts/self diagnoses.

 

I do believe that good guys finish last and alone.

[Cmaj7th]

Good guys finish last but in the best way. When you're a little older and the women around you are wanting something serious and to not want to deal with jerks anymore they will come running to any guy with his life together and treats them right. Right now just focus on getting your confidence up. If you're as good a guy as you say then someone will notice that and like to pursue things with you.

 

Just be friendly and make yourself available. And remember that the number one thing you need to do is focus on yourself. You dont need a girl to be happy and content, if you find out how to be that way by yourself then Im sure youll have more luck with the ladies.

[Dryyoureyes]

Well yes, I was just like you. Depressed and alone. But the older I get, the more women actually seem to know what they want and that´s not someone who treats them bad....it´s kind of funny to see them pursuing me. I really enjoy it being on the other side....being able to choose....so no, good guys don´t stay alone. It´ might be that it takes a bit longer but its worth the wait Make sure you treat yourself nice, don´t blame yourself for being nice...I found out being yourself really helps it a lot. Don´t jump on every girl thats out there and talking to you. Go out, enjoy yourself...don´t care about others ( and girls) the rest will follow! Focus on yourself and not on others is the key...basically thats all what matters anyway because its very likely you run through a couple of girls before you find a really good one. Remember, enjoy life, treat yourself nice

[sidehop]

Humans in general want what they can't have; the whole theory about stuck up male/female attracting others is very short lived. You're still at the age where people want to explore and just getting started as adults with college or a full time career. I'd really focus on yourself right now and not worry about others especially girls. When you can enjoy your own life, be confident and truly happy with who you are you'll naturally attract others; whether it'd be women, other individuals who are curious as to why you're successful/happy and just overall feel good to be around.

[almost_20]

Humans in general want what they can't have; the whole theory about stuck up male/female attracting others is very short lived. You're still at the age where people want to explore and just getting started as adults with college or a full time career. I'd really focus on yourself right now and not worry about others especially girls. When you can enjoy your own life, be confident and truly happy with who you are you'll naturally attract others; whether it'd be women, other individuals who are curious as to why you're successful/happy and just overall feel good to be around.

 

So what am I a goat? I want to experience things too. I see all of my high school friends with girlfriends and profile pics of them kissing their girlfriends. I get what you guys are saying, I have to be confident in myself, but it's a catch 22. The only way for me to get girls is to be confident but The very same thing is what's crushing my confidence. I give myself that same pep talk all the time, but my biggest question is, How do I fight the loneliness

[sidehop]

Confidence within yourself brings many positive things; not just influence others. What about others; guys or even girls you're not interested. Do you hang out or attend any social group? They say meeting with others in a social environment only once a month create more happiness than someone who just doubled their salary. So do you think it's just a girl issue or do you think there's a bigger picture? You can't try to change yourself for others. Focus on what you like, your strengths and see where you go from there.

[almost_20]

Confidence within yourself brings many positive things; not just influence others. What about others; guys or even girls you're not interested. Do you hang out or attend any social group? They say meeting with others in a social environment only once a month create more happiness than someone who just doubled their salary. So do you think it's just a girl issue or do you think there's a bigger picture? You can't try to change yourself for others. Focus on what you like, your strengths and see where you go from there.

 

Im not sure what you mean. I do go out once in awhile. I'm not a stiff, I think I have a good personality, I'm fun, funny what have you. To clear something up, I am not a depressed or angry person. I am happy with who I am. I am lonely. I am in need of intimacy. I am in need of romance. I need someone of the opposite sex to call me and want me. To have someone to hug. To have someone to cuddle with on the couch. To talk to. I am in need of human to human physical contact, and quite frankly I am 21 years old and I need to get laid. I am lonely, did I say that already? I think it's a girl issue, because I don't want to change myself for anyone. Take me as I am. no takers? Awe shucks.

[sidehop]

What about other social activities? Maybe you need to try different things like volunteering, joining a local club of some type? Broaden the horizon a bit if for any reason you feel stuck in a same routine perhaps?

[MD Geist]

I've learned to not play the nice guy role and to play the game and I must say my situation and options have turned around quite a bit. Being a nice guy has its advantages but there's more disavantages because girls are going to make you wait, put you off and so on. I learned to market it myself better and use "Bad boy tactics" but I won't sell out to being a bad boy overall. Its a harsh reality but once you accept it and you know what you gotta do life becomes better with time.

[RikkieM]

I'm 30 and still trying to figure out "good guys finnish last". I, like everyone out there, have my good qualities and bad ones. I'm on the sensitive side and it's taken a long time to accept it (not completely) but with age we learn alot about ourselves. My confidence has been really bad most of my life and only now (we'll 6 years after a breakup and alot of "finding myself") is it alot better but still have my moments.

 

Heck, I went on a proper date last night since my breakup and I wasn't the "bad boy" and wasn't completely myself (nervous) and maybe she won't like the sensitive me in the long run or even short run but with age you learn alot about yourself (dont get me wrong, Im still nervous if she likes me) but a part of me also says "Hell, if she doesn't like me for the true me then why would I want to spend my time with her".... NO MATTER how beautiful or intelligent she is, I'm looking out now for my best interests.

 

I also have my moments "I'm going to die alone because I'm the nice guy" but in the long run I'd rather be liked for the good stuff than the bad and some lady oneday will appreciate me for me.

 

Sorry rambling on, basically, be true to yourself. For a long time I wanted to be the opposite of what I was (the nice guy) but at the end of the day this is who I am. I can't just sell it off, its with me for life. Learn to use it to your advantage.

 

Try not let society dictate whats what (IMHO). Be who you are most comfortable being... your true self, no matter how long it takes to "find you".

 

I hate cliches, etc but "life is too short and you only have one life". Enjoy the good times and learn from the bad ones.

 

Hope this helps and all the best

[Stay_home]

Not every woman wants to be with a nice guy. It seems simple; being a nice guy, a girl should appreciate that. Like you. Love you. Get married -- the end. But it doesn't work like that. Some women DO want jerks, they just won't openly admit it. That's why I would suggest, if you are a genuinely nice guy, take your time and find yourself a genuinely nice woman who CAN appreciate you for who you are.

[Jake]

I respectfully disagree with you ~2 sided coin~ for the reasons why some women don't like nice guys and want the jerks instead. It's not necessarily that some women want the jerks, it's more like they're attracted to certain traits of jerks. It makes total illogical sense to say a women is attracted to a guy because he is a jerk towards her because no women in her right mind wants to be treated like crap.

 

I have noted that the women that are usually attracted to jerks have their own issues:

 

-They're looking for attention out of their own insecurities and need conformation that they're pretty/beautiful (they want to feel that they're wanted).

 

-They're strongly attracted to the spontaneity, drama, confidence, outgoingness and "take-charge" attitudes most often associated with jerks and don't see the guy for who he really is behind it all (a self-centered jerk).

 

-The women came from a volatile home where alcoholism, abuse, violence and divorce was part of life. Thus their past makes them more susceptible to jerks who are full of promises (and compliments) but come with very little substance in the end.

 

Now, I know it makes no sense how in some cases where a mature, nice and intelligent women would be with a total jerk and it completely baffles some men (with good reason). The truth of the matter is jerks don't have a billboard plastered on their head that says, "hey I'm a jerk if you don't want a miserable relationship, stay away!" Most jerks have what a co-worker of mine calls, "the platinum mouth piece." They say what the women wants to hear, they know how to charm, manipulate and put themselves in a really good light that they're so "great." The guy's "true colors" only show once the relationship is already established.

 

Any healthy women that knows what she wants will learn not tolerate a jerk as she grows in maturity and confidence (much less even consider him). She will learn through life experiences to ignore men like that because she knows they're really just all hot air.

[Stay_home]

Actually I think this is spot on, compared to my earlier post. Outstanding.

[almost_20]

So where does all this leave me? I'm running out of patience and find it hard to believe that all girls are this screwed up. I know that my general shyness doesn't help the matter, but nonetheless I need someone. How many of you think that at my age with no experience is normal?

[Jake]

almost_20 I'm in the same position as you and have never had a girlfriend (I'm 21). Although, I believe this to be rather normal as most people our age have had about 0 to 2 serious relationships by this point that haven't worked out. Point I'm trying to make is, you're fine, you just need to put yourself out there more and meet the right woman.

[wsim]

So where does all this leave me? I'm running out of patience and find it hard to believe that all girls are this screwed up. I know that my general shyness doesn't help the matter, but nonetheless I need someone. How many of you think that at my age with no experience is normal?

 

At your age, I think it is still pretty reasonable and normal not to have any relationships.

For me it is a different story.... I'm almost 27, still never had a girlfriend before. There are only like one or two guys that I know who are my age in the same situation. I know for a fact that is not normal and I'm quite the oddity.

 

Most people that I know are already in relationships, engaged or married. I don't seem to meet many single people usually.

[Jake]

wsim I wouldn't beat yourself up for that though. Life isn't a pre-scheduled road map where everyone does the same thing at the exact same age, it's never too late to start dating.

[Ms Darcy]

So where does all this leave me? I'm running out of patience and find it hard to believe that all girls are this screwed up. I know that my general shyness doesn't help the matter, but nonetheless I need someone.

 

I don't see "nice guy" in this thread: I see --

 

-Hasn't dealt with the emotional let down of a previous pseudo-relationship

-Bitter

-Somewhat negative

-Lacking confidence

-Lonely (which in and of itself is not necessarily bad)

-Shy (also not bad but might not allow you to meet people)

-Blaming lack of success in dating on girls

 

You talk about what you "could be" for a girl versus what you "are" for friends and family. I won't get into a whole philosophy about it because I suspect you won't believe it. I'll just say confidence in self is a decision within self. No one can do that work for you. Also, relationships are voluntary. You want a woman, you have to prove yourself worthy (and vice versa).

 

I don't let some dude make love with me just because he calls himself nice. He can be my friend. I do that with him because we have a relationship, a bond, a connection - he is funny, he is smart, I find him attractive, he's confident, he's hardworking, he's spiritual, etc. "Nice" doesn't really mean anything as a term. It's just a label. Chemistry and connection. That's what you need with women.

[vacation]

So where does all this leave me? I'm running out of patience and find it hard to believe that all girls are this screwed up. I know that my general shyness doesn't help the matter, but nonetheless I need someone. How many of you think that at my age with no experience is normal?

 

This is ridiculous. The only thing "not normal" is your view on life and the self-pitying nonsense you crave. How can you expect a girl to like you and be happy with you if you can't even be happy with yourself and who you are?

 

Do you really expect her to go out with you because she feels sorry for your situation?

 

If you don't like your current situation then do something about it! How many girls have you approached this past day/week/month that you found attractive? Seriously. Are you proactive or do you really expect her to go out of her way to magically find you. What makes you a "nice" guy? What does that even mean????

 

There's more to life than just worrying about what you don't have, specifically, your situation with women. Start finding YOUR true passions and pursue them. Follow your goals and dreams and you will meet the right women that share commonalities with you. Don't make your only purpose to meet a girl that will become your next girlfriend - instead, look to meet new people (guys and girls) and try to appreciate something about them. Go with the mindset of meeting new people and learning something about them. What makes them different etc...and have something to offer. You're 21 and have 21 years of life experiences you can share with other people.

 

The world is yours only if you want it.

[rkw]

I'm in your age group (22) and female, so I hope some of what I say is relevant.

 

To be honest, I would probably not date you right now, and here's why:

 

You say would treat your girlfriend like a princess. That you're lonely, want someone to need you as much as you need them...basically I get the impression she would be put on a pedestal. And that is a really uncomfortable, high pressure place to be for anyone! No one wants to feel like they're holding someone's world together, that they're the only reason that person isn't lonely, that they're "saving" them. It's too stressful! And I doubt that you're telling girls that you encounter this, but girls often have a knack for reading body language...and if they pick up on this sense of neediness, they'll run.

 

Any relationship, but especially romantic should be composed of two people who are happy in their current lives, but come accross an opportunity for a relationship would further complement their life...not make it. You should be a nice guy, girls generally want a nice guy, who's kind and compassionate. But the reason that the obnoxious jerky types often seem to "win" is because they are confident in themselves and their lives. And some girls pursue those guys because they're not interested in a serious relationship either, and know that when it ends, the guys life wont fall apart because of it. Without sacrificing the parts that make you, you, take some inspiration from the "bad" guys. Be confident and truly happy with yourself and your life, and attracting girls will become so much easier. It's not about closing yourself off to the opportunity, but more a case of "If this date goes well, great! If it doesn't, then that's ok too".

 

I know sometimes on these boards, the idea that girls are plotting against "nice" guys en masse seems to be peddled out as truth. And it's obvious some of these "nice" guys have allowed this idea to turn them quite bitter, dejected and sometimes even misogynistic. "I'm a nice guy but girls want to be treated badly, and only go for looks/cash..hence I'm lonely" and things along those lines. Please don't turn into one of those guys! The more you believe that 50% of the population is against you, the harder it will be to find a girlfriend. It's a vicious cycle that really perpetuates the very problem the guy feels he's having in the first place.

 

I think that you have 2 choices:

 

a) carry on as you are, hoping that things will somehow improve OR

b) Realise that YOU, not the girls are the only thing you have control over and find a new way to do things.

 

Option a hasn't been working too well so far, so you really have nothing to lose by giving b an honest go for a little while. I really do believe you have a lot to offer a girl, and I wish you all the best

[almost_20]

i think you should read post #7 for my view on myself. i am not a self pitying man. on the contrary i am very confident and i am happy with who i am. but what i am not is attracting females. i do not look for a girl to be my next girlfriend, but i cant help if i look at an attractive girl it passes through my mind. i am only human. i think i gave off the wrong impression. i am lonely, not miserable. i am a happy person that enjoys company with friends and riding motorcycles fixing computers going bowling, playing pool, drinking. but how can i just completely ignore something that is slapping me in my face. to reiterate i do not give off a loser vibe at all (well at least i hope not). i am not desperate or am i clingy at all, on the contrary i played it very aloof even during the semi relationship i had. i hope that clears my view on myself

[almost_20]

I appreciate your input as a woman. i totally get what your saying, and you said exactly what i thought i would hear from a girl. What i said about how i would treat a girl is a very general way of putting it. what i meant by that is that i would treat her with respect and consideration. not that my life would revolve around her, because believe it or not i have a life. a job and school and family junctions, friends and what not. that is what i meant with the princess remark. like i previously said i am not unhappy with my life. i just cant help ignore a "problem" (i say this because i walk through the mall with my brother or cousins or friends and see 14 year old boys with girls around there arms, 16 year olds, 18 year old, 21 year olds, 31 year olds, 41 year olds ect.) and its kind of jarring. i mean if you were me wouldnt you have the slightest bit of thoughts like "what the hell is wrong with me?" im not a desperate person. believe it or not there is a difference between being lonely and desperate. what i was trying to say is that i always see girls (especially here where i live) with some ghetto looking dudes walking around in the hot sun without a dollar to there names and tatoos and no shirts, then a guy like me. clean cut well raised NICE and considerate, would treat other people INCLUDING FEMALES nice. do you understand my dilemma? i am a "nice" guy that is CONFIDENT but not COCKY, NICE but not CLINGY that cannot seem to attract a girl. whether or not im putting out a weird vibe remains to be seen, but i think it definitely would not be because of that particular reason. i appreciate your input and thank you for your kind words, hmm you arent single are you? lol j/k

[almost_20]

-Hasn't dealt with the emotional let down of a previous pseudo-relationship

i have dealt with it. but it is the only one i have to relate to so i cant completely get over it.

 

-Bitter

after all the bad experinces and hard work that has never paid off. you would be a little bitter also.

 

-Somewhat negative

see above

 

-Lacking confidence

not true. i am confident. but i am also shy. they kind of cancel each other out.

 

-Lonely (which in and of itself is not necessarily bad)

this.

 

-Shy (also not bad but might not allow you to meet people)

this

 

-Blaming lack of success in dating on girls

not true. i blame myself. i just don't know what im doing wrong so im analyzing what patterns i am seeing in girls and making inferences.

[vacation]

As harsh as my words may sound I am here to help you because like you, I have "been there done that" and filling your head with nonsense like "don't worry it'll happen, just give it time" or "the right girl will come along" is useless and probably the worst advice I've heard and don't want you to fall into that trap.

 

...but what i am not is attracting females. i do not look for a girl to be my next girlfriend, but i cant help if i look at an attractive girl it passes through my mind.

 

Unless you're a celebrity or have developed a solid personality girls are not going to approach you to sleep with them. YOU have to put in the work. Attracting females takes practice and truly is a skill.

 

So let me ask you...what are you doing to better at your game? The fact that you were honest and upfront in your earlier post speaks volumes of your character and is already a sign that you are willing to put your ego aside to understand women. Here, Let me put in perspective for ya:

 

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." -Michael Jordan

 

Behind every successful man there is a long list of failed attempts but its the mindset of persevering through and continuing to try regardless of the previous failed attempt. That is how winners are made.

 

You don't have a girlfriend, fine. But let me ask you this...how many rejections do you have? Because that atleast shows you've tried. If that number is in the single digits then that's just pathetic and shows me that you are just lazy. The beauty of rejections is that you end up with hilarious stories to share with your buddies and also learn valuable lessons that help you improve. Apart from that, you learn to laugh at yourself and guess what....have a good time. You don't start caring for the outcome and just have fun even if you get 0 numbers.

 

Too many guys out there that expect everything to come to them.

 

-Hasn't dealt with the emotional let down of a previous pseudo-relationship

i have dealt with it. but it is the only one i have to relate to so i cant completely get over it.

 

See above about approaching more girls.

 

-Bitter

after all the bad experinces and hard work that has never paid off. you would be a little bitter also.

 

I'm really curious to know what hard work you've currently put in.

 

-Somewhat negative

see above

 

Shake it off. Learn to have thick skin. This will go a long way for you. You won't get pissed off easily and when other guys try to intimidate you you'll learn ways to disarm the situation.

 

-Lacking confidence

not true. i am confident. but i am also shy. they kind of cancel each other out.

 

-Lonely (which in and of itself is not necessarily bad)

this.

 

-Shy (also not bad but might not allow you to meet people)

this

 

Ahh yes. I think what you refer to as "shy" is just fear you have of being let down or judged. I know shy guys that do well with girls because they TRY. Girl's find it cute and adorable. But then there's guys that see beautiful women come in their social circle but are too afraid to make the move and then just end up calling themselves "shy" because they missed the opportunity. No, that's called being a pu$$y and it's different from being shy.

 

What boggles my mind is that when you go to the casino you see all kinds of guys dropping thousands of dollars on a hand at the casino taking big risks but when it comes to talking to a girl they think is beautiful they "shy" away. Do you really think that women wake up in the morning and spend HOURS to get ready just so they can walk through the world without being noticed??

 

 

-Blaming lack of success in dating on girls

not true. i blame myself. i just don't know what im doing wrong so im analyzing what patterns i am seeing in girls and making inferences.

 

Learning to approach women can seem daunting and very intimidating. Well it's not. Women aren't as superficial as us men and place very little importance on looks. Infact, they care more about your personality than anything. As long as you dress well and demonstrate hygiene the looks category goes out the window.

 

It's very simple but your mind will play games with you and tell you otherwise. The reason most guy's mess up is because they over analyze the situation. Yes ladies, men do it too.

[almost_20]

i guess you hit the nail on the head. thanks. but i will say that what you are describing as what i am instead of shy, I believe are one and the same. and furthermore you dismiss that subject much too easily, it is what is mostly causing my emotional problems and at least to me, are perhaps the hardest things if not impossible to overcome. my shyness or fear of judgement and rejection as you so eloquently put it are very VERY strong. Is it possible to be shy and confident? I think so.