It has been 3 weeks...

[Kitty87]

Okay so I am just looking for some help because it feels like I have exhausted all my other outlets. My b/f and I were together for 3 years and 3 weeks ago he broke up with me proceeding to blame me for everything that went wrong in our relationship. Now I am not only heartbroken but ,my self esteem is shot. It seems like no matter what I do I can't stop the crying or the depressed lonely feelings. I have done everything I can think of to keep my mind off the sadness it works for a little while but whenever I am alone my mind races about missing him and what I did wrong and how it is all y fault. Everyone around me keeps telling me I will feel better but everyday is just more of the same. I don't even want to get out of bed I feel like what is the point, I have nothing to look forward too. I have seen a psychiatrist 3 times and nothing she has suggested works. I am afraid that I will never feel better or that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I guess I am just reaching out for some support. Any ideas will be appreciated.

[chitown9]

You need to see a different psychiatrist who will prescribe anti-depressant medication for you. It will kick start you on the road to recovery. Also, a book that is being highly reccomended on this site is: "The Journey from Abandoment to Healing." The author is Susan Anderson and you probably can get it on link removed. Also, read some of the forums on this site for ideas as well. It will get better..best wishes..chi

[Kitty87]

I am on antidepressants already for an anxiety disorder. Everyone around me keeps telling me what I am going through is normal. I don't know if it is or not, and I don't think another medication is the answer I guess I am just looking for someone to relate to who is going through the same thing.

[lapse]

Did you see the same shrink I saw back in 99? She told me to get up every morning and swim laps in the pool. She was special. That one.

 

3 weeks is not a long time when you've been with someone for 3 years. It's going to take some time and distance to feel better. However, in the meantime... do stop blaming yourself. The success of a relationship is *always* shouldered by both parties. Always. There is no way it is all your fault. More than likely, things were not working out for one or both of you. I really find it better to think not in terms of fault (i.e., guilt) but in terms of compatibility and happiness. Perhaps the two of you are on different pages or chapters. Your vibrations just aren't vibing well together. He can blame it on you if he wants to, but there is absolutely no reason that you need to internalize it. Blame is used to ameliorate guilt. This is the overriding theme - the blame factor - in your post. Why are you fixating on that?

 

So that brings me to the big question: who in the hell gave him the Authority to tell you your Reality?

 

This does sound like it could be an opportunity for you to grow in positive ways, so I'd encourage you to think about yourself, but not in the blaming way you have been. Without any details, it sounds like you let him tell you that you were Wrong, and you are basing your opinion of yourself on what he thinks of you. You could work on your boundaries perhaps. You have your own eyes; you don't need his. What do you see?

[Mustachio]

The problem here is your title. It has been three weeks. To you three weeks feels like forever. But think about it this way, its only been 3 weeks. If your relationship lasted 3 years, that means you were together for over 150 weeks, and its only been 3 since it ended.

 

The best advice I can give you is to just keep doing what you are doing. Keep yourself busy, and just keep going. Take comfort in friends and family and just keep going. Give it another 3 weeks and I bet without even realizing it you will feel a bit better.

[Kitty87]

Well I try and fill my time up as best I can. but at some point I have no choice but to be by myself that is when it is the worst. my mind just circles around thinking about what I did wrong and why he doesn't love me anymore. How could he just wipe me out of his life like I was nothing to him? I sound completely crazy at this point

[lemsip]

What you are feeling is normal. I bet your heart is racing, you're constantly nervous, you feel sick, you have no appetite, you can't sleep, you feel worthless, you feel like if only you had done this or that things would be different... Believe me, all this is normal. I feel the same way as you. This is my first major BU and I didn't know what to expect. I kept asking people if what I felt was 'normal' and they said "yes". I thought I must be taking it harder than I should be, but no, it's normal.

 

If you can realise that it's OK to feel this way, and let the pain wash over you, it will help. Don't be scared of how you are feeling, you are going through the process. These feelings are natural. If you can understand and accept this then I would advise not going on any other meds unless you physically can't get out of bed. But that's just my thoughts.

 

It's scary, I know, but people on ENA have helped me realise over the last month that everything I am going through is textbook. Good luck. Fight it, like we're all fighting it.

[chitown9]

I am on antidepressants already for an anxiety disorder. Everyone around me keeps telling me what I am going through is normal. I don't know if it is or not, and I don't think another medication is the answer I guess I am just looking for someone to relate to who is going through the same thing.

 

Does this psychiatrist know how severely depressed you are? if you were already on an anti-depressant medication before the break up maybe a change in medication is appropriate for you now due to this change in your life causing you more duress...

[Kitty87]

lemsip, You really sound like you understand what I am feeling. I just wish there was some way to make the pain stop although I know there is no quick fix. I feel so weak why can't I just forget this person who couldn't care less about me. It makes me so mad. I want to stop crying but every time I am alone that is all I do, All I think about are all the promises he made to me and how I fell for all of it. Could you tell me how you have been getting through this?

[Kitty87]

yes she does. but because I am able to sleep now and I am getting out of bed and going on with work, she feels that I am making progress. The hardest times are when I am by myself that is when I feel the worst.

[lemsip]

lemsip, You really sound like you understand what I am feeling. I just wish there was some way to make the pain stop although I know there is no quick fix. I feel so weak why can't I just forget this person who couldn't care less about me. It makes me so mad. I want to stop crying but every time I am alone that is all I do, All I think about are all the promises he made to me and how I fell for all of it. Could you tell me how you have been getting through this?

 

I've been getting through this exactly the same way you are... letting the feelings come. There's nothing else you can do, as crappy as that sounds. I had a major setback this week when I found out my ex was with someone else, but in the month before that I was genuinely getting better. As much as I hate to say it myself, time really does help. At the minute I know how you feel... you feel like you are drowning, suffocated by your own feelings. You want to bang your head against a wall to get thoughts and images of him out of your head. This is all normal, don't be scared. It'd be abnormal if you didn't feel pain.

 

Each day you will get better, provided you do not contact him. You won't believe me when I say this, but in a few weeks time you'll feel a little easier, then a bit more, then a bit more... In the meantime you literally have to just take one day at a time. I know you feel like you're not living, just existing, but that's the only way to be in the very early stages (like you are).

 

I'm in the depths of hell too, but once you understand that it's OK to feel bad it does help.

 

Like chitown said, maybe give your doctor a ring. Just explain the situation and see if he suggests even a slightly higher dose of you med. But you may not need it. The reason you feel bad is because of the breakup. It's not like you are just randomly feeling bad, you have a reason to feel bad. Know what I mean?

[Kitty87]

Thankyou, I have spoken to my doctor and he did up my dose a little but I am now at the highest dose. He said it could take a few weeks to feel better. I mean I guess I am making some progress I am sleeping now and eating. But it all just feels like I am trying to act okay when I'm not. I guess I just needed to hear that what I am going through is okay. I don't think me taking any more meds is going to help the heartache. Like I said I do okay as long as I am out with people, but inevitably sometime I have to be alone. That is the part I struggle with.

[lemsip]

Thankyou, I have spoken to my doctor and he did up my dose a little but I am now at the highest dose. He said it could take a few weeks to feel better. I mean I guess I am making some progress I am sleeping now and eating. But it all just feels like I am trying to act okay when I'm not. I guess I just needed to hear that what I am going through is okay. I don't think me taking any more meds is going to help the heartache. Like I said I do okay as long as I am out with people, but inevitably sometime I have to be alone. That is the part I struggle with.

 

That's what you gotta do! You're doing great, honestly! Then one day you will realise that you're not acting, you really are OK! Of course you are going to feel bad when you are on your own. If you have close friends, call them whenever, they are there for you!

[Keme]

I felt the same way when my first relationship collapsed it's completely normal. And somehow I think the first time is the worst because if you've never been through a major breakup then you don't have the comfort in the notion that you've got over it once before and you can do it again. I think you're doing great if you can be happy around other people. It'll keep getting better. People say time heals all wounds, and I remember when I was hurting from a breakup and I read that, I would get so angry. I thought it was total bs. However, inevitably some time passed... and I just forgot about it. It really is true. You can't hold on to something forever.

 

The one thing that really helped me through my break up was a revelation. It was so simple, yet so vital. I realized that the right person for me, the person that I'm meant to be with, is someone who loves and cares for me as much as I love and care for them. If they don't, then obviously they're not right for me and I'm supposed to go out and find someone who is.

 

This helped me a lot for some reason. I guess it kind of gave me closure. Another thing that helped is not speaking to my ex. If you feel so much pain, it honestly just makes it worse. You can maybe friends once you're 100% over it, not before.

 

I shed so many tears over my first love, and felt more grief than I ever have in my life. Couple years later, same guy tried to reconcile things and get back together, and it honestly didn't phase me. I was to caught up in my own life and other guys to care about him anymore. Never would've thought it possible.

 

You'll live. You'll be happy again. You will be able to completely let him go. I promise =)

[RitaTrue]

Yes, what Lemsip said is right. What your feeling is VERY normal.

 

If the psychiatrist isn't working, have you ever considered going to a cognitive-behavioral therapist. They help you change your thoughts by kicking out the maladaptive lies and replacing them with positive truth-thoughts. It's just as effective, and sometimes more effective than meds alone. Just a thought

 

I think anyone here knows what you're going through. I know what I do. I've exited the denial stage, the anger stage, and the bargaining. Right now, I'm just thinking about when I'll be able to get love that was as good as my ex's, or better. I keep having the feeling that I'll be alone--like what you shared.

 

(Hugs)

[LaKings55]

Kitty, you sound so much like someone I know, that I'm actually a little afraid that I do indeed know you.

[Kitty87]

Kitty, you sound so much like someone I know, that I'm actually a little afraid that I do indeed know you.

That is funny I don't know if you do or not but maybe tell me what town you are from and we can start from there. If we do know eachother we could be a big support to eachother. It sounds like you are going through alot from the posts I have read and I am always willing to listen.

[LaKings55]

Ah, I see you put Ontario, I'm assuming Canada. I'm down in So-Cal, we have an Ontario as well, but the person I'm thinking of doesn't live there. In this instance, it is definitely better that we're strangers. But, I'm assuming we do have one thing in common, age.

[chitown9]

I guess I just needed to hear that what I am going through is okay. I don't think me taking any more meds is going to help the heartache.

 

No, the medication will not help with the heartache, but it definitely will help with the depression. Yes, Kitty, what you are going through is perfectly normal. It is painful, but it will get better and better with time. Just keep coming back to this site. There are many caring people here that will help you through it..

[Thorshammer]

Look at this site, it has posts dated TODAY and its stretching back for two pages. We are all feeling the same, male and female. Its part of life. People can say, "break ups are needed to narrow down what you really need" and other quotes, but ultimately its not only words that will get you through this, but TIME.

 

I know I am a wreck, I workout, read comics, and chat with friends. I do set time aside to dwell and hurt, but i dont let it go pass that time i allow for it.