Trust

[Dewboy]

So I wake up Saturday morning only to find that my fiance is acting very short and ill with me. She finally comes out and says that she found an e-mail I sent to my ex gf (prior to even knowing her) in which i told my ex i loved her. She told me that she was hurt and that she said that I told her when we first were dating that I did not love her. I told her that I did not love her any longer but at that time when I wrote the e-mail I still had feelings for her. All she kept saying was that I lied to her.

 

On top of all this she wrote down all these e-mails that I recieved from dating websites like eharmony and such. a little background. I was on Eharmony before i met her and when my subscription ended they kept sending me emails asking me to come back becasue they want my money. I told her this but because I "opened" the emails, I am just as guilty as if i was browsing the sites for women. She asked me why i never unsubscribed to the e-mails and I told her that I just never really sat down to do it. I'm pretty lazy when it comes to deleting emails and such.

 

The more she was going off on me the madder I was getting and then it hit me........why was she going through my email anyway? I confronted her about this and she said that she was going to opne her account but mine mysteriously logged in. She uses my computer and she also has a gmail account. The computer remembers my password so i can see how she may mistakingly may log into mine but once she realizes that its mine she should have logged off. I have literally thousands of emails in my inbox and sent folder. She had to have browsed for an hour or so to pull up all this stuff. These were things from before we met!

 

I told her that what i do and say prior to us knowing each other is my business and that she had no right to snoop through my emails. She disagreed and said that married couples and people engaged should have full rights to view anything they want including cell phones, email accounts, wallets, purses you name it. I told her that I strongly disagree and that she was wrong for what she did.

 

She kept trying to plead her case and say that she was justified. She gave me some bs story about DR. Phil saying on TV that healthy relationships are open books and all passwords and such should be shared becasue nobody should have anything to hide. I told her that I didnt care what dr phil says and that by her going through my stuff shows me that she is insecure and doesnt trust me. Then i got to thinking....she has done this multiple times in the year and a half we have been together. She has gone through my phone, read my divorce decree, read all the posts on my FB wall all the way to the beginning of time and questioned me about it and has even read one of my letters in the mail. Keep in mind she did all this while I was either sleeping or at work!

 

I told her that I am seriously thinking about calling it quits because of her lack of trust and other issues. she still maintains she is in the right and that I am just defensive becasue I am "busted!"

 

So....thoughts? If you are engaged, married, LTR, etc. Do you feel that you have the rights to look at anything of your partners that you want at anytime without asking?

[pennyloafer2]

Nope. Dr Phil sounds like an idiot or he was taken out of context.

 

If you are suspicious in a relationship, bring it up to the other person. Their reaction will be telling. If you want to see something in their past, ask them. If you don't have the guts to ask them then you don't have permission to see any of it.

 

It is a sign of mistrust, and a sign she is trying to control your life.

 

Also passwords will really screw you over when you break up. Only time I give passwords is when its convenient. IE, I need someone to check my email for me or get on my computer. Even then, I'll sometimes update the password. Because I deserve to be trusted and I also deserve to have my own little private area online and in real life.

 

For example, I love this site. It has really helped me. It would not help me if everyone I knew saw my posts on here. So my privacy is important, and it keeps me sane and happy.

[rosephase]

My boyfriend and I have all each others passwords. But the load she is giving you wouldn't fly with me. If she wanted to be an open book then she should have sat down and talked about it with you not snuck around behind your back trying to catch you out.

[DylanNotorious]

No Dr Phil does not say that crap.

 

Just think about once that ring goes on her finger buddy - your going to face this situation 10 x as worse as it is now!

[CatsMeeoow]

Have you given her any reason to mistrust you?

 

And, if she is flipping out over emails that were sent long before you met her she has some real issues on hand but can I ask why you would still have such emails? I think when a relationship has ended its very necessary to hit the delete button in moving forward in life. Don't get me wrong. I still have a box of mementos from when I was in college from a couple of guys I dated... you know ticket stubs, cute love notes, trinkets that were purchased, letters and post cards but they are stuffed into an attic and I would be hard pressed to find the box if only given 15min to do so. If it bothered my husband I'd probably toss it... I mean if I haven't gotten it out in 20yrs its probably not important stuff. However, things on my computer would be deleted... I don't need emails from old lovers.

 

And, I totally get the eharmony thing. I never stopped my match emails until I got billed again for another year... that was enough to finally get me motivated to call and ask to stop contacting me. Again she is over reacting.

 

If you have given no reason to mistrust and she is having this erratic behavior over it I would be concerned... how long have you two been together?

 

Good Luck

ps - delete all your old emails not just for her sanity but yours as well

[RiceWineSherry]

Dr. Phil is a joke.

 

There's no reason to snoop nor is there justification to do so.

[wildchild1]

She has a very self serving view of relationships. I would not marry this woman until she has her trust issues resolved. Even then I would be wary of marrying her because that is not a life you want to live should she decide to regress.

[Dewboy]

I wasnt purposely keeping them. I'm just lazy when it comes to stuff like that. Also i have learned until recently how to sort with googlemail lol. Its not like Outlook, you have to actually type the name in the search bar to filter so my emails were just stacking up until I learned to do this which was like a month ago. I totally get how at first glance she would be curious/ inquisitive but she had to filter through pages upon pages to even find this stuff. She snooped...plain and simple.

 

...and no I have not given her a reason to mistrust me. She has been divorced twice and both of her partners have done things behind her back. she tries to justify her behavior on her past and i understand to a point but ultimately her insecurities are not my problem and nor do I feel that i should jump through hoops to ease her insecurities. she just needs to trust and respect me as I do for her.

[Snny]

People in relationships are entitled to privacy. She has some serious trust issues. Obviously you tried talking to her, but she is being unreasonable and is jumping to conclusions. She needs to seek some help or this is going to destroy your marriage with her.

 

And, if she is flipping out over emails that were sent long before you met her she has some real issues on hand but can I ask why you would still have such emails? I think when a relationship has ended its very necessary to hit the delete button in moving forward in life.

Right, but the OP mentioned that he also put off deleting his EHarmony account too. A LOT of people do this and it doesn't mean they are cheating or have feelings for the other person. People get busy. This is a small mishap and his fiancee is blowing things out of proportion.

 

If she doesn't trust him and refuses to listen, then how does she expect this relationship to grow? And citing Dr. Phil as her source... yikes.

 

Like wildchild1 stated, I would totally not marry this chick until she gets her issues resolved if I were you. I second that statement.

[april15]

If you feel these are hoops to make your SO feel at ease then perhaps this will never smooth over. Don't get me wrong, snooping is bad, she should have confronted you and asked to be in the loop straight away. I was cheated on only once and have twinges of the "ex" jealousy. I know how it feels when those insecurities overwhelm rational thought.. and twice burned I can only imagine how her heart gets racing. Time and openness does help lessen the insanity. I still feel a twinge when exes come up but they no longer create issues or need smoothing over. If you are not interested in smoothing over your past, that you have a past and that is all that it is, your past, and helping her see that you want her and only her and she is your future... then perhaps it would be best for both of you to have a deep conversation about where the relationship is headed.

[Dewboy]

I understand what you are saying but this is just another example of disfunction in our relationship. I have made several other posts about mine and my fiances issues. We are having issues at least every other week. We try to talk things through but things are only good for a week at the most and then we are at it again. We are simply not on the same wave length.

 

I started this thread to get feedback on the whole privacy concern.

[RiceWineSherry]

I started this thread to get feedback on the whole privacy concern.

 

 

You're entitled to your privacy, dewboy. What she's doing is justifying her "detective" work. It will only progress if she doesn't solve her trust issues on her own.

[april15]

I see, sorry I missed the other posts. She was wrong for snooping, you will need to decide if you want to deal with the underlying problem, or I guess it is problems. Sounds like a lot of work, just for this one. What I think from this particular thread is that she will need help with this issue of privacy and trust, either from you or someone else. Despite what Dr. Phil says there is no one right answer. Just be honest with yourself and your fiance and decide how you want to move forward.

[pennyloafer2]

I have probably hundreds of emails from my ex. It is really easier to let them sit in the back of my inbox where I will never see them than go through them and delete each one. I have no feelings for him and I don't want to read our lovey dovey crap. What happened before the relationship, you can't get made about. Just my humble opinion.

[iBroken]

Ive read your other threads about this woman - when does it become the last straw?

 

She seems to find reasons to take her issues out on you. She is overreacting to the emails and yes, she spent a long time going through your inbox.

 

None of this has to do with you. Please, do yourself a favor and go back and read your threads, and make other mental notes of this relationship. Im not sure getting married is the right thing here.

 

Can I even say that in your thread? Or will she snoop in here too? Always looking over your shoulder is no fun

[Ariel85]

I really doubt Dr. Phil ever said that.

 

Anyhow, CO-DEPENDENT couples have each others passwords and are up each others butts with zero boundaries. Healthy couples trust each other, and can confidentally give each other space without control nor micromanagement.

 

Being pissed at for loving someone BEFORE you met here, then tweaking over marketing emails is insane.

 

Seriously SERIOUSLY rethink marrying this girl. All of the signs are there that she will try and control every facet of your life, and will manipulate and tear you down because of it.

[hexaemeron]

Dude, I've said it before and I'm saying it again. How much more do you need to know? She's not right.

[pennyloafer2]

Dude, I've said it before and I'm saying it again. How much more do you need to know? She's not right.

 

She's not right for anyone right now. She needs to figure her stuff out. You've tried to be compassionate. I think it's time to love yourself and get out while you can.

[Dewboy]

Trust me, i hear all of you and i actually broke things off with her yesterday. It's very complicated tho because she is literally flipping out. She cries constantly and keeps throwing guilt trips on me like "you have ruined mine and my childrens life". We rent a house together and we still have 6 months left on the lease. She keeps telling me that she is not leaving because its not fair to her kids to keep moving them around. I told her I would leave but she cannot afford the house alone and neither can i really. I do car about her girls but i am miserable with this woman.

 

I am at work right now and she is still snooping on my PC. Now she apparently dug up some old porn clip on my hard drive from when i was single and is crying about that. She has sent me 4 text and 2 voicemails in the past hour demanding that i call her back and explain myself or else I will find all my things on the front lawn! Then moments later she sent a text saying that she is in the bathroom crying because i ahve hurt her so much and destroyed her life!

 

I seriously have no clue what my next move should be. I think maybe i should go stay with a friend for a couple of days because I cannot deal with this drama.

[Chicklet]

I used to be this woman. It wasn't until I made the necessary changes in myself, that we were able to be a genuine couple. Change IS possible, as long as the person that needs to change, wants to change. I used to use my past as an excuse too....it's not right and it took a long time for me to get the help that I needed. We've been together for 6.5 years now and now he has been talking of marriage in this next year. 3 years ago, this subject was not an option for him, but because I worked on myself and started thinking rationally......we are stronger than we have ever been before. But it's taken us three years of ME working on ME, to get to this point.

 

My issues were MY issues and nobody elses. I hated myself for most of that part of my life....and THAT was the real problem. How can you love someone else, when you don't even love yourself?? I'm sorry that your woman couldn't get it together for you......I pray that she finds happiness in herself, eventually.

[FreedomRing]

Still looking through your things AFTER you've ended things with her?? Yes - go stay with a friend. She is toxic Dew. And she knows she is unstable. Using her daughters as a guilt trip is terrible, and I'm sure it hurts to leave, but that is exactly what you need to do. Unfortunately, dealing with a woman who is so irrational, unpredictable and unstable, the only recourse you can take is to make a CLEAN break. Don't allow her to cover all ends of the spectrums.......(she will do this)...you're gonna have to be really strong and just end it, get your stuff and GET OUT OF DODGE. Write the lanlord and see what kind of options are available for you in terms of breaking the lease.

[Dewboy]

Agreed. I really need to get out of there. She sent me more text throughout the day telling me that we still need to tell the kids and she said that the only thing she can tell them is "dewboy is leaving because he never cared or loved me enough to work things out"......so sad. I get off of work in an hour and i dont even want to go home.

[Chicklet]

that's terrible. I'm sorry that you're hurting so much. While I was a jealous woman....my insecurities came out in a different way. I wasn't an angry confrontational woman and I NEVER used our kids as weapons....but then again, we never split up or even came close. It sounds to me like she needs psychiatric help.....are you still going to try and see the kids??

[Ariel85]

I am SO proud of you for ending this. Truly. Way too much people post here, ask advice, get it, ignore it, and continue in their toxic little lives. Good job in valuing and loving yourself to get out.

 

That being said, I would take all of your personal belongings and THEN I would go move in with a friend. During one of her rages, I wouldn't put it past her to trash your stuff. I would suggest having a guy friend come over, help you throw everything into garbage bags, put it in a truck, and just leave.

[Snny]

Wow. If you can get out of there, do it. She is creating a toxic environment for YOU and is destroying YOUR LIFE, not her own. People who guilt trip need to P off. Who's name is on the lease? Find a roommate and get out of there (or kick her out).