I am confused by my situation with the love of my life...please help.

[latuacantante]

I need advice. My situation is very complicated and it is making me so confused.

 

My ex and I were together for two years. We were so in love. (Needless to say I think we still are). No man has ever made me dizzy when he looks at me and kisses me touches me, and my heart just won't stop and when I lay my head on his chest, his doesn't either unless he falls asleep. Lol. I also have two boys from a previous relationship ages 2 and 4 and my ex loved them to the ends of the earth, and they him.

 

We moved in together after our first anniversary into a nice little trailer. Everything was going great. Soon, he told me he wanted to marry me, and have children with me, the feeling was very mutual. Then earlier this year we got robbed, and I had a miscarriage, and we had to move because of the robbery. Then my hours at work got cut. I was in a lot of emotional, and physical pain. But I never made the time to go to the doctor. I was to scared and in denial. I began to change. My mood, my energy, my hygeine, I couldn't make myself get dressed in the mornings or do my daily routine, I couldn't get out of the bed to spend time with my kids, and it was making me so depressed.

 

I became moody and lazy and my sex drive went through the roof for some reason and that made my mood even worse because he worked long hours and i resented that for some reason. My behavior was wrong and I accept that now, but I also accept the fact that I couldn't help it. Anyway, we got in our first fight and he left me with a whole bunch of excuses and wouldn't even look me in the face when he gave the excuses. The house wasn't clean enough, he wasn't ready to be a dad or be in a serious relationship, he didn't know where he was going in life...I countered everyone of his excuses. The first one was an excuse but the rest were me fighting for something that was important for me, and someone who meant the world to me. But...it didn't work.

 

He finally gave one last excuse and even looked at the ceiling and closed his eyes to avoid me, he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. All I could do was look at him and say, "I have heard that 4 times in my life from all my relationships, now you. I never understood it when they said it. And I really don't understand it coming from you, who I know loves me." I left and saw him start to get off the couch but he stopped himself. its been four months and since the moment I knew he was going to leave me I have felt so much pain and emptiness, my smiles are so fake.

 

I saw him once a couple of months ago and we had dinner and talked about the break up, i apologized and told him about the miscarriage, he seemed deeply concerned for my health and look regretful and sad. But nothing came of it. He gave me a hug then after him continuing say he had to go home and get some sleep, yet he kept bringing up conversations, then he left an hour and a half later. Shortly after I found a distraction. For a month. Then the distraction, I found out was just another abusive lover, verbal abuse and emotional abuse, he said to me one night for some reason that I had been a whiny little b*tch (sorry for the language) when we first met because someone dumped me. Then he said he was glad he left me. That killed me inside and the distraction ended abruptly. He then told me that it was because he had me now. I told him that had't fixed what he just said and that he needed to leave and we needed a break. He left.

 

I texted my ex, and I saw him the next night. He bought me steaks, and cooked for me, and watched a movie with me. His roommates were there. But that didn't matter I guess, during the movie, where I had been sitting on the other end of the couch and he had been poking at me and trying to aggravate me, lol, he pulled me to him and said, "Come here you." Something he used to always say to me when he wanted to just snuggle with me. And there we stayed for the rest of the movie. Then he invited me to his room. Nothing was going to happen and we both knew it because I have a personal rule about not sleeping with anyone I am not with for a while.

 

Though, he knows that he has power over me that I can't control. But he never used that power to that extent. He asked for a backrub, insisting that I owed him one, I gave him a backrub, then we were talking, he asked a lot about the kids and my family, then random stuff, then all of a sudden he looked at me funny, and kissed me I couldn't help it, I kissed him back. After a while I stopped him, he asked what was wrong and I told him he made me dizzy, he replied that he was happy he could still do that for me and pulled me back in. Nothing more than that happened and he even commented he wasn't going to make me that he wouldn't do that to me.

 

I stayed until 3 am and even noticed that he kept calling me babe, and not by my name, then I felt it was time to go, he didn't want me to go he said but he knew I had to get up with the kids. So he walked me out, and he gave me that look again. So, I kissed him. He gave me a goofy look and said "You kissed me" and I said, "You gave me that look. I was with you for two years, I know that look." and he smiled and hugged me and told me I was right. We made plans for the day after, needless to say, I texted him the next day told him I had a nice time and asked him what he wanted to do the next day, and he said he had a good time too and he didn't know, I said that I would text him later the next day and he said okay. Well I texted him yesterday, and asked what was up and he said he had a headache and he was trying to get rid of it.

 

I gave him a sad face and told him I hoped he got rid of it, and asked if were still on to hangout. And he said he didn't think we should because he had to go to work earlier than he planned and he had to do laundry. I told him I wasn't trying to make him hang out with me but he couldn't wash clothes while i was there? And I would leave when he had to go to sleep. But if he wanted we could hang out later this week. He said he would rather hang out later this week, promise. I said that was cool and if he wanted to stop talking I would stop texting him. He replied with, "Stop thinking so much. You're not bugging me. If you were I would tell you." He knows exactly what's going on in my head, all the time still I guess. Lol. I don't know what's going on. I'm confused and don't know what to do. I hung out with my ex's after we broke up, and well they never ever showed any affection like he did, and I ended up dating some of them again.

 

Someone, please tell me what is going on...and what I should do. How often and when I should text him. Everything. Please help. I want him back. I don't want to push him away again. My two year old went in my closet today and found our family portrait, looked at me and said, "Mommy where's daddy?" I thought he at least had forgotten, since he's only two, but he hadn't I asked him what he said, and he pointed to my ex and said, "Where's daddy?" I told him, busy but he loves you very much and took the picture from him. My four year old asks for him everyday, I didn't expect that from my 2 year old though. I'm sorry for the long post, I just need help. Please. Help me.

 

Signed,

Hopelessly in love.

[Edmund Exley]

I have two questions that may help understand.

 

1. Why do you always refer to his feelings as excuses?

2. Have you ever took the time to understand what led to the 4 previous breakups? (You mentioned 4 others have told you they no longer loved you)

[latuacantante]

My therapist told me they were excuses due to the fact he didn't even look at me when he spoke them, that's why I say excuses, and plus I know him, I know the tone of voice he uses when he says how he's feeling and making an excuse, he knows the same of me as well, and I understand why he broke up with me, it was an overbearing time, and my actions led to him not wanting the drama and negativity in his life any longer.

 

And three of the four others cheated on me and they were high school relationships, and the fourth was my childrens's father, who left me for a 14 year old, actually he told me that twice and left me for her both times. Not to mention the fact he abused me physically, emotionally, and mentally and abused my oldest son emotionally and mentally.

[Edmund Exley]

My therapist told me they were excuses due to the fact he didn't even look at me when he spoke them, that's why I say excuses, and plus I know him, I know the tone of voice he uses when he says how he's feeling and making an excuse, he knows the same of me as well, and I understand why he broke up with me, it was an overbearing time, and my actions led to him not wanting the drama and negativity in his life any longer.

 

I find it rather unfair for your therapist to call another persons words "excuses". Many people (and I take it you are both pretty young) are uncomfortable looking someone in the eye as they say something unpleasurable. Calling it "excuses" will allow you to have false hope that he really didnt mean it, when perhaps he did.

 

And three of the four others cheated on me and they were high school relationships, and the fourth was my childrens's father, who left me for a 14 year old, actually he told me that twice and left me for her both times. Not to mention the fact he abused me physically, emotionally, and mentally and abused my oldest son emotionally and mentally.

 

Im sorry to hear of all the abuse you suffered at the hands of your childrens father. Its good that you are seeing a therapist. That said, you describe high school boys behaving in a manner that alot of high school boys in. PLEASE do not confuse them all telling you they love you as the words of men. They are boys who know not what that emotion really is. I pray you dont let this become an emotional wall.

 

Im not sure what help can be given to bring you ex back, if any. It seems he was overwhelmed and not mature enough or ready to take on the responsibilities of an adult. Do all you can to work on you, and don't let yourself be about him.

[DN]

I am not clear about the miscarriage. Did he know at he time that you had a miscarriage or you only told him when you met after the break-up?

[latuacantante]

I find it rather unfair for your therapist to call another persons words "excuses". Many people (and I take it you are both pretty young) are uncomfortable looking someone in the eye as they say something unpleasurable. Calling it "excuses" will allow you to have false hope that he really didnt mean it, when perhaps he did.

 

It is unfair, I agree. But I know him, we were friends long before we were together. We know eachother better than even I like to admit. When he means something he looks people in the eye, when he doesn't he doesn't want to look at you. Yes, he could have meant it. But you don't just fall out of love with someone in one day. And that's the way he had explained it to me. And even so, why act like nothing happened when I went over there the other night, even when he knew nothing was going to happen?

 

 

 

Im sorry to hear of all the abuse you suffered at the hands of your childrens father. Its good that you are seeing a therapist. That said, you describe high school boys behaving in a manner that alot of high school boys in. PLEASE do not confuse them all telling you they love you as the words of men. They are boys who know not what that emotion really is. I pray you dont let this become an emotional wall.

 

Always Edmund, do I have an emotional wall up. I'm always shielding my heart from the pain I grew up watching my mother give and receive. I've never been in love before. Not even with those guys when i was in high school. Its sad to say I was never even in love with my childrens's father. But for 6 years I put up with the torture of being with him out of fear. Then, my ex came along and pulled me out of the hole I had been hiding in, was a true friend before anything else, then slowly picked my armor away and I fell in love with him. He's my soulmate. God won't help me any further along than that statement. I usually hear him, but when I ask him what to do, my heart is silent except for that.

 

Im not sure what help can be given to bring you ex back, if any. It seems he was overwhelmed and not mature enough or ready to take on the responsibilities of an adult. Do all you can to work on you, and don't let yourself be about him.

I feel that revelation in my bones. 24 years old never any responsibility except for himself. His family didn't agree with a guy coming into an already made family and made that clear, yet he has a stepdad. And I have come a long way since the break up. I've got an assisstant managers position at a store, i'm in school for my bachelor's in education, i do everything for me and my kids. No help. By choice. Tough love for myself. I don't want it to be all about him. But...I do want him back. And he is confusing the hell out of me. Lol.

[latuacantante]

I am not clear about the miscarriage. Did he know at he time that you had a miscarriage or you only told him when you met after the break-up?

 

Ah sorry. I had a feeling that that's what was going on when I had it, but I denied that anything was wrong cuz I was trying to pick up more hours at work and take care of the house, and the kids and didn't want to make time to go to the doctor. I went to the doctor after he broke up with me which wasn't to soon after, and they told me I had had a miscarriage and because I didn't get it taken care of, an infection. So, I didn't tell him until I met up with him, since we weren't talking, and I was in a different part of the state at that time, didn't think it was a facebook message or text message material.

[Edmund Exley]

When you have a wall up, people cant get in. They will get frustrated in leave. I experienced this with a past girlfriend. I tried for over a year, lived together and everything, but when it came to being on the inside, that wall just wasnt permeable. I loved her, but I wasnt able to get inside, so I had to leave.

 

You cant defend yourself based on what your mother experienced. All you can do is have enough sense not to let it happen to you when the signs are there.

 

If you feel your heart is silent, that may be telling you something.

[latuacantante]

My heart's advice is silent. All it says is that he is my soulmate and i can get him back. but i don't know how to. that's why i'm here. to seek advice. cuz it seems something is still there between us. u know my heart does tell me something about that now that i'm sitting here dwelling on it. Not to jump back into anything. But as far as ideas and how to get him back...idk because I've never really loved someone or wanted them back.

[Edmund Exley]

My heart's advice is silent. All it says is that he is my soulmate and i can get him back. but i don't know how to. that's why i'm here. to seek advice. cuz it seems something is still there between us. u know my heart does tell me something about that now that i'm sitting here dwelling on it. Not to jump back into anything. But as far as ideas and how to get him back...idk because I've never really loved someone or wanted them back.

 

You sure are interpretting alot from silence.

[latuacantante]

>.> um. I'm not interpretting anything. It says he's my soulmate and I can get him back. But no advice. That's what i'm trying to say.

[DN]

You should write him a letter telling him all that you feel and all that you want and ask him if he feels and wants the same thing and if he does can you meet to find out where to go from here to fix things.

[latuacantante]

Oh. Wow. A letter? I love that idea. But won't that seem silly to him since we've seen eachother already?

[DN]

The advantage with a letter is that you can 'speak' without being interrupted, you can formulate exactly what you want to say and he doesn't have to respond immediately - he can think about what you say.

[latuacantante]

I like that. But I'm scared. Like I said. He is my true love. I'm willing to fight...but I've never wanted to fight for anyone before. Should I do it now, or wait until we've seen eachother a couple of more times to see if he acts the same?

[DN]

I would send it now. If you want help formulating the letter pm me.

[Chicklet]

You've been split up for a couple of months and he hasn't ever made arrangements to AT LEAST see the children that he ALLOWED to call him Daddy?

 

If I were you, I wouldn't contact him anymore. You say that he agreed to plans this week. I would probably send him one more text, telling him to text or call when he would like to do something and then I would have no further contact unless HE initiates it first. If you don't hear from him after that last text....then he isn't interested and he's just too big of a chicken to say it straight to you. Even in a text.

 

Don't put your kids through this.....I don't know how any man could allow children to call him Daddy but never even ask to see them if the relationship with the mother fails. That's just terrible.