"Stop Looking And You'll Find Them"

[reboundstudent]

I've heard this over and over again... That the reason I can't find a boyfriend is because I'm looking for one, and that as soon as I stop looking, I'll suddenly end up in a relationship. "Happens when you least expect it," "I found my partner when I stopped looking" etc. etc.

 

But this statement makes absolutely no sense to me. I've been trying everything to find a boyfriend.... Online dating, volunteering, taking classes, trying to get out to singles' events, and I STILL haven't met someone. (Only guys who are interested in being friends or friends with benefits... Great lot of good that does me.) If I were to STOP doing those things, how in the world would I ever meet anyone?? If I ever got over this need for a relationship, I'd probably never do any of those things... I don't enjoy the singles events, I have a rather inclusive group of friends I am happy with, and my hobbies are rather independent (aka, not group activities.)

 

How in the world would I meet someone hanging out with the same group of people and doing the same non-social things I always do? Answer: I wouldn't, and that's why the statement "Oh just stop trying and you'll find someone" makes no sense to me. Can someone explain how exactly it's supposed to work? (And if you feel like it, why I'm failing so spectacularly at finding someone?)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you stopped looking then everyone would simply tell you that you need to get out there and start looking. In other words, people will give you the opposite advice. Ignore them...a lot of it has to do with luck and being at the right place at the right time. That can happen when you are looking or when you are not looking.

[pennyloafer2]

This is how I feel about it:

A relationship is much more than two single people.

Singles events are geared towards people who want relationships. Relationships are not something you get, they are something you develop.

In reality, a relationship is two people who encounter each other who are interested in one another, not because they are interested in a relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

What that phrase refers to is to lead a full life, find a bigger problem, giving back to your community. It means the right partner will come when you are open to it, as your life is already fulfilling without a partner in it. From doing things that don't focus on just your woes in life, it puts you right smack in center of meeting new people, doing things that give great meaning to your life.

 

Answer yourself this...do you feel incomplete without a boyfriend, or that life would be better, easier? If you do, then go find a way to lead an extraordinary life. Then, it's like the person falls out of the sky.

[Stay_home]

"It'll happen when you least expect it," is what happens to us everyday. It's a meaningless statement, vague. I guess the same could be said that I didn't expect yesterday while I was out doing photography that someone would try to rob me. It happened when I least expected it. Or that while sitting here at the computer desk one afternoon, I would be disturbed by a knock at my door... That's life and we live in this unpredictable bubble each day, so that statement is so very dry, vague and doesn't really hold significant value in relation to meeting somebody. It may happen someday, but what if it doesn't?

 

There is no fate but what we make. Life is not predetermined, life is what we make of it with each passing second and the opportunities that are presented to us at that time. We don't always get a second chance. That's why I recommend that if it's something you want, go for it. If you're looking for a good man, then look for one. I've found that the greatest successors of our time were successful because they make the decisions, they don't wait around on life to promise them anything. It'll happen when you least expect it can happen out of the norm; similiar to a breakup, happened when I least expected. Thought it could be love, until she ended things. It happened when I least expected it to.

[reboundstudent]

What that phrase refers to is to lead a full life, find a bigger problem, giving back to your community. It means the right partner will come when you are open to it, as your life is already fulfilling without a partner in it. From doing things that don't focus on just your woes in life, it puts you right smack in center of meeting new people, doing things that give great meaning to your life.

 

Answer yourself this...do you feel incomplete without a boyfriend, or that life would be better, easier? If you do, then go find a way to lead an extraordinary life. Then, it's like the person falls out of the sky.

 

But see, I've never understood that attitude, that somehow the universe will reward you with the thing you DON'T want (a relationship) when you finally decide you don't need one.

 

Me myself, if I really felt as if my life was fulfilling and I didn't need a guy, then I'd spend the majority of my time reading or writing alone in my apartment... Because those are the sorts of activities that make me happy. But I'm certainly not gonna find a guy hiding under my couch cushions. So actually, deciding that I don't want/need a boyfriend means I'd pretty much guarantee I DON'T get one, as then I'd become a social recluse, emerging only to hang out with people I already know.

[LazyDaisy]

I was desperate to find a BF and never could get a relationship to work. I had a baby from a fling, and then I was completely content with my life. I didn't want a BF anymore, I just wanted to take care of my child. When my son was a year old, a friend fixed me up and I have been with the guy for 5 years now. To me what this means is that when you are happy with the life you have, you aren't complaining that you need more, when you appreciate all that you have and you don't need anything else, that is when you will get more. Its not so much that you stop looking, but you become relaxed and happy, that is what attracts people to you.

[tattoobunnie]

Having a partner in life is not a reward you get for good behavior. Leading a full, rich and rewarding life...do you really think it means isolation?

 

Try something new. Be open to doing new things. The whole web dating, dating, singles events...a lot of it is good practice. Enjoy what is going on instead of worrying if it'll turn into something. Be present to what is really going on.

 

I'm not saying you do or don't need a guy. What people mean by the statement is...the moment you make your own life truly about the bigger picture, that you are the best of yourself, that your community is something you truly become a part of, look out for, invest yourself into, that it overflows with joy...they just come.

 

The moment you can step out of yourself, and how to give back to the world, and actually do so, is the moment flood gates open. A new possiblity unfolds in your life, and they find you, or you find each other.

[reboundstudent]

Its not so much that you stop looking, but you become relaxed and happy, that is what attracts people to you.

 

But how in the world will people be attracted to me if they never MEET me, because I'm "relaxed and happy" alone in my apartment?

 

PS: My friends are not the type of set people up... also, everyone they know, I already know.

[TakingtheBlame]

But see, I've never understood that attitude, that somehow the universe will reward you with the thing you DON'T want (a relationship) when you finally decide you don't need one.

 

Me myself, if I really felt as if my life was fulfilling and I didn't need a guy, then I'd spend the majority of my time reading or writing alone in my apartment... Because those are the sorts of activities that make me happy. But I'm certainly not gonna find a guy hiding under my couch cushions. So actually, deciding that I don't want/need a boyfriend means I'd pretty much guarantee I DON'T get one, as then I'd become a social recluse, emerging only to hang out with people I already know.

 

I am a lot like you, the type who most enjoys solitary activities, but I think you can find a happy medium. For example, a couple of years ago I joined a book club, not necessarily to "find a guy" but because I figured it would be nice to make some friends with whom I could bond over something we all enjoyed doing. Why not join a social activity that centers around something you like to do in solitude, like a creative writing group or a book club? I never actually ended up meeting a romantic prospect at my book club, but incidentally, when I DID occasionally end up dating someone (through a dating site or a random blind date) it gave me the secure feeling that I had my own life, my own "thing," something to either indulge in with a new significant other with similar interests or something to introduce to a significant other with different interests. I guess, in a sense, I'd never recommend giving up on finding love, but I would try to focus on turning my solitary hobbies into something more social without really having an ulterior motive (like, "I'm joining this social activity to meet a guy.")

[LazyDaisy]

But how in the world will people be attracted to me if they never MEET me, because I'm "relaxed and happy" alone in my apartment?

 

PS: My friends are not the type of set people up... also, everyone they know, I already know.

 

Don't stop doing the activities you talked about in your post. Just don't make finding a mate the center of your life. Also, you never know where you will meet someone - in the grocery store, a book store, on a bus...it can happen any place. I tried on line dating and singles groups, I never met anyone that way. I meet more people in my everyday life, just by striking up conversations with strangers.

[thejigsup]

I've met men when I was looking and when I was not looking. The men fell for me harder when I was not looking and they practically had to beg me to go out with them. When I was busy having a fun life with my friends, the men came in flocks! When I looked for a man, I'd meet one, but they most times acted like they were doing me a favor or something. Men are hunters, they need to persue you, not have you run to them. Now after you are dating and are exclusive you can be as loving as you want, but when you first get together, be hard to get. I know it's game playing and not honest, but boy, does it work!!!!!

[teabee]

You're getting hung up on HOW it will happen, but the how is really not something you need to worry about or try to control. Let that go.

 

You don't have to stop wanting a relationship, but you will never be successful if all you're focused on is the fact that you don't have one and need one before you'll be satisfied with your life. Be satisfied with your life RIGHT NOW, and let your desire for a relationship be purely about adding more joy to your life, as opposed to filling a void in your life. Be easy about it and be enthusiastic about it instead of struggling and feeling unhappy that you don't have what you want right now. Your mindset REALLY makes all the difference.

[reboundstudent]

You don't have to stop wanting a relationship, but you will never be successful if all you're focused on is the fact that you don't have one and need one before you'll be satisfied with your life. Be satisfied with your life RIGHT NOW, and let your desire for a relationship be purely about adding more joy to your life, as opposed to filling a void in your life. Be easy about it and be enthusiastic about it instead of struggling and feeling unhappy that you don't have what you want right now. Your mindset REALLY makes all the difference.

 

But if I become satisfied with my life right now, I'll stop trying, and thus will not MEET anyone because there would be no opportunities to meet people.

 

Frankly, none of the things I do to meet guys is particularly fun. Single events are awkward and just exacerbate my feelings of rejection, and all of the things that interest me are not things guys share (book clubs, crafty classes, volunteering... Really, I'm very confused why everyone says volunteering is a great way to meet people, the only people I meet are retired ladies.) If I become satisfied with my life, then there's no reason for me to DO these things I don't enjoy, and the things I DO enjoy really are not activities that lead to meeting people (that aren't my gender or retired, I should say.)

 

I just really don't get how you can be "satisfied with life," as in not looking for a relationship, and still find one. Maybe the people it works for are just natural social butterflies, as in they meet new people easily.

 

Maybe it just means I'm doomed no matter what I do, and I should just get on with accepting I'm fated for a life alone.

[LazyDaisy]

Maybe you just need to expand your circle of friends since you said you know all the same people that your friends know.

 

How about your job? Do you go out for happy hours with people at work? Do you belong to a gym? When I was single I met lots of guys at my gym.

 

You never know who has someone to fix you up with. You say that when you join groups its all retired ladies - but one of them could set you up with a relative.

 

You are not doomed to be alone for ever. You might just need to expand your interests - for example you said that the things you are interested in guys are not interested in - so why not take a class for something that guys are interested in - like say golf lessons.

[midnightdeirdre]

Answer yourself this...do you feel incomplete without a boyfriend, or that life would be better, easier? If you do, then go find a way to lead an extraordinary life. Then, it's like the person falls out of the sky.

 

This is nice.

[midnightdeirdre]

link removed Self-help guru Cheryl Richardson gives advice on how to find your life partner.

[Ginger1]

I think whats important about those statements is if guys are around DONT look at them all as potential boyfriends.

I think there is some truth in that. I am not looking for a boyfriend at all right now- to the point of almost ignorning guys- yet it seems as though now more guys want to talk to me. I thinks it's because I treat them just like normal people and am not nervous or anything- maybe guys are into girls who seem confident etc.

[Nixee]

Are we honestly supposed to believe that if you stop "trying" that any and all opportunities to meet new people serendipitously will completely vanish from your life?

 

Have you truly never ever EVER met a person when you didn't expect to meet someone? ... Like... through a mutual friend, or while at a store, at work, etc... and without any intention of "meeting people"?

 

I really do understand your frustration and your question - giving up the trying and just letting the chips fall where they fall seems like, well, giving up. And yet trying so hard also seems to not work for various reasons - men like to chase, the best relationships seem to happen naturally, it isn't good to be too needy, etc etc. .... The truth is - there is no 100% perfect answer. There is no #1 best path to find your perfect mate. If there was, people wouldn't have such issues. The best answer, over and over, just seems to be to be happy with who YOU are, because no matter what - you have yourself. From there - if all you do is search for a boyfriend until it exhausts and frustrates you that you can't find one - perhaps you are searching too hard and worrying too much about it. If, on the other hand, you close yourself off and never manage to meet any new people? Maybe you DO need to try and get out. I don't see any reason at all why balance can't be an answer too.

 

I will tell you, just for my own input purposes, that I've only really loved/felt really connected to two people myself, even though I've dated many others. The only two who have mattered the most have been guys I have met by coincidence. If I ever had to search a guy out or chase a guy myself, for some reason... something just ended up not connecting with us.

[sidehop]

Totally agree with this.

 

Perhaps reboundstudent, you're trying too hard. Sure, law of attraction for example will tell you to create opportunities and take them when they are presented. But you can also overdo things and lose focus ending up with very little success.

 

It's not just about meeting as many people as possible. Perhaps like many have said, try something different but don't overly focus with the result of finding that partner.

 

Do you also consider yourself to be very picky when it comes to dating? Is that a possibility?

[gumiinexi]

Sometimes when you try too hard to find a partner, it comes off as desperation. That's why it's better to just sit back and relax... let love come to you at the most unexpected moments. My boyfriend and I randomly met at a concert... we were two strangers who just happened to be there at the right moment. I wasn't looking for anyone at the time, but when he came up to me and started a friendly, warm conversation, I knew that it could be the start of something beautiful... and well, the rest is history Just be natural and let it be.

[teabee]

Frankly, none of the things I do to meet guys is particularly fun. Single events are awkward and just exacerbate my feelings of rejection...

 

Hmm, that ^ is not a good thing. So, I would stop that pronto. Doing things you don't enjoy doing, or doing things that make you feel WORSE, well that is not going to bring to you what you're looking for. A lot of people rely 100% on actions, and 0% on mindset, and the result is a whole lot of unhappy struggling. In my opinion, you are approaching this whole thing the wrong way. You would be better off getting happy right now--no matter what your situation is--and only doing the things you really enjoy doing, while maintaining a positive expectation that you will find an amazing relationship, because really it's just a matter of time anyway. Why wouldn't you want to be happy until then?

 

Here's a simple, but very true quote:

You cannot struggle to joy. Struggle and joy are not on the same channel. You joy your way to joy. You laugh your way to success. It is through your joy that good things come.

 

A good attitude for allowing love into your life would be thinking: there's no rush, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, it's going to happen for me soon, etc. You could take stock of the things that are going really well in your life, you could think about the reasons why it's actually good you don't have a relationship right this exact moment, and you could think about the reasons why you are looking forward to a relationship because that always feels nice. And after all, the most important thing you can do is get to a place of feeling really good about the whole thing--again, it's about mindset, not about action and struggle. That's why people so often get what they've been wanting once they've given up, or stopped looking, or turned their attention to other things--it's because they've finally stopped being so intensely focused on the fact that they don't have what they're wanting, so they feel better and allow it in. So you don't necessarily have to forget about a relationship, but you do have to stop feeling primarily frustrated and impatient, which is where you're at now, I think.

[LAYAAN]

This is how I feel about it:

A relationship is much more than two single people. Singles events are geared towards people who want relationships. Relationships are not something you get, they are something you develop. In reality, a relationship is two people who encounter each other who are interested in one another, not because they are interested in a relationship.

very well said... very well said... this is so eye-opening! especially the last line.

[RikkieM]

I've met men when I was looking and when I was not looking. The men fell for me harder when I was not looking and they practically had to beg me to go out with them. When I was busy having a fun life with my friends, the men came in flocks! When I looked for a man, I'd meet one, but they most times acted like they were doing me a favor or something. Men are hunters, they need to persue you, not have you run to them. Now after you are dating and are exclusive you can be as loving as you want, but when you first get together, be hard to get. I know it's game playing and not honest, but boy, does it work!!!!!

 

Question from a guy whos been out dating scene for 6 years and went on first date last night: I've always struggled with the hunting part of being a guy (lol) but this woman showed interest when together (she said lets do it again... dinner or lunch this sunday, gave me a peck on lips goodbye... So looked like a green light) but via text / email... theres nothing. So leave it rest of day and nothing. Confused so now just want to leave it as whats point if someone doesnt show interest (and know its only text and haven't given it enough time). Its like optional timing for someone else... if that makes sense

[Sparkly Eyes]

If you stopped looking then everyone would simply tell you that you need to get out there and start looking. In other words, people will give you the opposite advice. Ignore them...a lot of it has to do with luck and being at the right place at the right time. That can happen when you are looking or when you are not looking.

 

Pretty much agree with this. Every time I had a relationship I was looking for it, it didn't just fall into my lap. It's also really about luck and how picky you are.