asthesparrow Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Hi guys, so I've posted a little about this already but I've a little update that I feel is worth sharing on ENA as I feel a need to 'deliberate' on this matter. I met someone awhile ago and always thought he was attractive, the past two months or maybe a bit less, we've been casually dating. We're 'mutually exclusive' but a relationship talk hasn't happened yet. When I first started developing feelings for him (a few weeks ago) I had a bad gut feeling about him that maybe I shouldn't take it seriously and just remain his friend... however my feelings grew and now we are basically in a relationship. I was worried that maybe he was a bit too controlling and possessive and I've had terrible experiences in the past with physically abusive partners who acted very controlling. So anyway, I pushed the negative feeling aside because my attraction was growing, and now I've heard a story about this guy I'm dating that really.... put me off. Apparently in his last relationship he was very controlling and insecure.. to the point of sometimes calling her hundreds of times a day (when she wasn't answering). Not to mention that, but he threatened to kill two people that his ex-girlfriend slept with AFTER they had broken up. Not just immediately "after", but even a year after they broke up as well. This apparently turned into a big deal with their group of friends and everyone involved and he was sort of the black sheep for awhile... Hearing these things (from said ex girlfriend and his friend) have really worried me. It's at least a year in the past now, so there's a huge chance that he is less insecure and controlling now.. But I am worried that having heard these things I will never be able to get them out of my head. What would you do? I feel terrible judging him for things he has done in the past. If he knew some of my past actions, he wouldn't want to date me either probably! I'm not perfect. Thanks ENA. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 It's up to you but given your past partner history and what he seems to have done, I would walk away from this one. Always trust your gut. Link to comment
asthesparrow Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 It's up to you but given your past partner history and what he seems to have done, I would walk away from this one. Always trust your gut. My problem is that I am a very independent and fiery kind of girl... I am very opinionated, stand up for myself, have a backbone, etc... However I always attract (and subsequently date) men who are very controlling and set out just to break me down. Why is this? I despise very obvious insecurities in others, and am not easily taken advantage of, yet my dating history is sort of displaying the opposite. I feel at this point in time (having heard stories about my guy) that he is exactly the same as my ex-partner who was very abusive, insecure, controlling, jealous, etc.... Link to comment
elcie Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 If he's the same as your ex-partner then it wont work with this guy either. You've been forwarned, and if there's a possibility of abuse, it's best to walk away. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 We all fall short of the glory... remember. The question is, what's happening right now? Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 If you have a bad gut feeling - then why ignore it? Because he's attractive? Sorry that's not a good enough excuse. Knowledge is power, and you have been given the information. So don't ignore it. Does it support your original gut instinct? If it does, then cut him loose, before you get more deeper and involved with this guy. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Not to be a Negative Nancy, but there's not really that huge of a chance, at all. That's not to say that people don't change, because they can and do, everyday. But that doesn't mean THIS particular man has changed. You already are worried he's too controlling and possessive - That doesn't just come out of this air - And that's BEFORE you heard the story, hun. You're not only judging his past, you are judging his possessiveness and controlling ways that you were already aware of - And you are 110% within your rights to do so. You turned a blind eye to it and shoved down your thoughts and feelings about it. Don't discount your feelings. It doesn't always mean you must act on them right away, but do heed them, let them come to light. You don't want to repeat the pattern - It sounds like you very well will, if you stay with this man, and that's based off 'the now' and not 'the then'. Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 My problem is that I am a very independent and fiery kind of girl... I am very opinionated, stand up for myself, have a backbone, etc... However I always attract (and subsequently date) men who are very controlling and set out just to break me down. Why is this? I despise very obvious insecurities in others, and am not easily taken advantage of, yet my dating history is sort of displaying the opposite. I feel at this point in time (having heard stories about my guy) that he is exactly the same as my ex-partner who was very abusive, insecure, controlling, jealous, etc.... It's not about who we attract, it's about who we ACCEPT. I think many of us have attracted wackadoos in the past, that's not uncommon, there's nothing wrong with you. You have control as to whether or not you allow this man into your life. Walk away now. There's a great man out there for you, don't waste your time and energy on someone who isn't right for you and who has red flags galore. Link to comment
RitaTrue Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 It's not about who we attract, it's about who we ACCEPT. I think many of us have attracted wackadoos in the past, that's not uncommon, there's nothing wrong with you. You have control as to whether or not you allow this man into your life. Walk away now. There's a great man out there for you, don't waste your time and energy on someone who isn't right for you and who has red flags galore. Magnolia speaks Truth. Forget this man. He's bad news. Leave while you still have self-esteem. Link to comment
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