peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 So I met a guy about 2 weeks ago. We met through friends and there was an instant connection. We had a lot in common and I was really attracted to him and he was really into me too. We stayed out super late the first night we met, hung out a few nights the next week and I stayed over his place, (his parents house) that weekend and also this past weekend. The first time I stayed over was really fun. This weekend was fun, but it seemed like he wasn't into me as much. He said he wasn't feeling that great, so maybe that's why... but he didn't seem as into me as before. He wasn't as affectionate towards me, but wanted lots of physical attention. Not sexual, he just wanted me to rub his back, but didnt really seem to want to touch me in return, didn't try to kiss me, etc. Also, he just seemed to want to eat and sleep and watch tv. This was the first time that he's acted like this, but I guess it just makes me worried... i dunno, i feel like were not really compatible in the long run, but he's the first guy that ive been really enjoying being around since my break up two years ago. I've been on quite a few first and second dates, but i havn't clicked with anyone like with him. im also worried because he doesn't have a job and he's living with his parents... he goes to school though but he's 30... also he says he's not sure if he wants kids and doesnt want them anytime soon. My ex left me because I wanted kids and he doesnt... and i dont want to make that mistake again. But I was looking past all that because I really really enjoy spending time with him and we get along so well... but now I'm worried after his lack of affection this weekend, and I'm not sure what to do. Link to comment
luminousone Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 He may have pulled back because you stayed over a little too soon in your relationship? That often happens if you jump into bed too soon before you have really cemented a relationship. Also, be wary if he says he does not want kids or is not sure if he wants kids. I got the same story years ago, and I talked my then bf into getting married and having kids. 21 years later we are in the midst of a legal separation (long story...) and although we have 2 wonderful boys, he is only lukewarm as a dad. And I think he really resents me for talking him into having them. If I knew then what I know now, I would have walked away and found someone that had the same goals as me! My kids have suffered because of this... Link to comment
katycloud Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 The only thing that would bother me about the relationship is the not having kids thing. For me personally, that would upset me because I really want to have kids. But other than that, the relationship is new, why don't you just go along with the flow and see what happens? You might be right - you might not be compatible in the long run. But things might change and you might be pleasantly surprised. He could've just been having a bad day on the night where he didn't seem as enthusiastic. I'd probably go along with it for a little longer and see how things pan out, THEN make a decision. If you feel as though you really clicked there's no harm in giving it a bit more of a go! Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I think you slept with him too quickly and it's fizzling out just as quick. I'm not sure why you rushed it? Because now I think he's quite content to live at home, with no job and have regular sex. You've left no mystery. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I tend to agree that he most likely lost interest. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 I dunno, I don't think I stayed over too soon. We had already gone on 4 dates which were 7+ hours each, plus there was mutual interest and connection. He asked me if I wanted to stay over both weekends and like I said, the first weekend he was very touchy and affectionate, while the second time he just didnt show me the same attention. I actually encouraged him to be more physical with me, but he just didnt seem to be feeling it. That's what seems weird to me. If he had lost interest after I stayed over the first time, why would he invite me over the second time and not try to be physical? Also, he invited me on a date for tomorrow already. If he had lost interest that easily, I don't think he would have done that, do you? Link to comment
orchidrose Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 If he had lost interest after I stayed over the first time, why would he invite me over the second time and not try to be physical? Also, he invited me on a date for tomorrow already. If he had lost interest that easily, I don't think he would have done that, do you? As far as inviting you over a second time.. personally, I'm one of those people who would rather try and tough things out than hurt somebody, even if I know that it's over. To me, inviting you over and then not getting physical sounds like he liked you, but he may not feel it anymore, and he wanted to see if he could bring it back by hanging out again. But inviting you on a date.. hm, no clue. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 but he didn't seem as into me as before. He wasn't as affectionate towards me, but wanted lots of physical attention. Not sexual, he just wanted me to rub his back, but didnt really seem to want to touch me in return, didn't try to kiss me, etc. Also, he just seemed to want to eat and sleep and watch tv. I don't get any of this. What kind of dates do you go on where you're lying around watching him eat and sleep and watch TV? Regardless, it's pretty clear his interest has waned. I think he's trying to convince himself he should be with you, but he's simply not feeling it. Not being able to even kiss someone you've already slept with isn't a good sign for the future. Link to comment
tygerwolf Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 It seems like he feels like hes already got you. So he doesn't have to "try" anymore. Some men try and try to please their woman. Bless their affectionate hearts. But some men, once they get comfortable, can get a bit selfish. Taking the affection rather than giving it in return. I've had one of each kind of man. One is very willing to please while the other was not. Hes probably showing you how he truly is now that you two seem comfortable. He doesn't feel like he has to try anymore. Your doing the right thing by encouraging him. Next time he asks you for a back rub. Poke out your lower lip and sweetly ask him to rub yours. See what he does. If he often doesn't oblige when you ask, you may want to consider that this must really be him. Some men are just not very affection giving once they are in a relationship. Its a sad sad thing. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 I don't get any of this. What kind of dates do you go on where you're lying around watching him eat and sleep and watch TV? Regardless, it's pretty clear his interest has waned. I think he's trying to convince himself he should be with you, but he's simply not feeling it. Not being able to even kiss someone you've already slept with isn't a good sign for the future. We've gone on at least 5 dates where we've gone out to eat, gone out to dance, met up with mutual friends, went to a movie, etc... For some reason this past weekend, he did not want to go out and just wanted to stay home and watch movies and sleep. Like I said, this weekend was the first time he acted that way. I agree that not wanting to be affectionate so soon is not a good sign, but the whole thing just seems odd to me especially since he still texts me everyday and made a date for tomorrow on monday, the day after I saw him. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 As far as inviting you over a second time.. personally, I'm one of those people who would rather try and tough things out than hurt somebody, even if I know that it's over. To me, inviting you over and then not getting physical sounds like he liked you, but he may not feel it anymore, and he wanted to see if he could bring it back by hanging out again. But inviting you on a date.. hm, no clue. I'm like that too, which is why I'm still planning on seeing him again.. I guess I want to see if the pattern continues, but I definitely don't want to be involved with someone who isn't into me. He's been texting me a lot since the weekend and we already made plans for tomorrow... so i guess I'll just see how that goes. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 I agree, I feel like maybe since it developed so quickly, he might feel like he has won me over already and doesnt need to try anymore. When I go out with him tomorrow, I'm going to see how he behaves. It seems like he got very comfortable around me very quickly. Maybe he's showing me his true personality now. Who knows. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 does anyone have any thoughts about what I should do? Should I just see him tomorrow as planned and see what happens? Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 We've gone on at least 5 dates where we've gone out to eat, gone out to dance, met up with mutual friends, went to a movie, etc... For some reason this past weekend, he did not want to go out and just wanted to stay home and watch movies and sleep. Like I said, this weekend was the first time he acted that way. I agree that not wanting to be affectionate so soon is not a good sign, but the whole thing just seems odd to me especially since he still texts me everyday and made a date for tomorrow on monday, the day after I saw him. Yeah, I think he's trying to force himself to like you. Like, on paper, you're a great girl, but the chemistry is lacking, which is why he's still in the game. If you've been intimate with someone new, and then he backs off to the point that he has no desire to touch you or kiss you, then consider it a VERY bad sign. If a guy loses sexual/physical interest this quickly, then I wouldn't take it as encouragement. I can't imagine having an early date in which he was fine to have you watch him sleep. That's his effort at courtship? Bleh. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 Yeah, I think he's trying to force himself to like you. Like, on paper, you're a great girl, but the chemistry is lacking, which is why he's still in the game. If you've been intimate with someone new, and then he backs off to the point that he has no desire to touch you or kiss you, then consider it a VERY bad sign. If a guy loses sexual/physical interest this quickly, then I wouldn't take it as encouragement. I can't imagine having an early date in which he was fine to have you watch him sleep. That's his effort at courtship? Bleh. Maybe it's possible that he's having doubts now? I almost hope that's the case because if we are both having doubts, this is definitely not going to work out and we both know it. I really don't want to hurt anyone and I'm sure he doesn't either... I feel like we need to talk about it, but I'm not sure if it's the right time. I don't want to lead anyone on, but I think I still want to give it a little more time and see what happens. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 does anyone have any thoughts about what I should do? Should I just see him tomorrow as planned and see what happens? As long as it doesn't involve hanging out at his parents house, eating pizza and watching him sleep, yes, I would give it a try. Does he have a car? Since he doesn't have a job, and lives with his parents, this may be all that you can look forward to. Link to comment
waterlilly Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 you said he didn't feel well. Maybe he felt really bad. Maybe he is a baby when sick and wants to be coddled. Just see how it goes.... my concerns are no job, lives with parents, and is 30??????really. what a turnoff to me. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 Yes, he has a car. He's also going to school. I was looking past the fact that he didnt have a job and lives his with parents because I'm in the same boat, and didn't really think it would be fair to not give him a chance just because of that. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 Well, he was very quiet yesterday, we only had a brief exhange through text and I havn't heard from him yet today. It's still early though, but I'm curious as to how this is all going to play out. I feel like I should say something, but it's so early in the "relationship" that I don't think it's right to even confront him passively about it. Link to comment
capuccino83 Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 If I were you, I'd play it cool and not say anything, but at the same time, I wouldn't stand for poor behavior. Like, if he wants you to come over and sit at home and watch TV all day, then you can suggest that instead of watching TV you'd rather go do something else (suggest something specific). And if he says that he's not feeling well, instead of sitting there and rubbing his back, tell him you're sorry that he's not feeling well, that you don't want to bother him while he's resting and that he should get in touch with you when he's feeling better and leave. You can be assertive without causing drama and talking about 'the relationship' which can scare a guy off that early. I remember some of your past threads where you mentioned about being too nice to guys, like buying them food and cigarettes and stuff. If you realize that you can be nice and not put yourself in compromising situations at the same time, you'll have a much easier time in dating and also won't end up with lazy guys like this. Link to comment
testcase Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Seems like he's trying to do the fade away, which sucks if you two have hooked up. IMO this thing looks over.... Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 thats a very good suggestion, thanks. Looking back, I should have just left and gone home instead of sitting there. He probably would have gotten the hint more quickly. I tend to bend over backwards for people when I really like them, but I think that just makes me look desperate. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 Seems like he's trying to do the fade away, which sucks if you two have hooked up. IMO this thing looks over.... I'm not so sure if he's trying to fade away. We made plans tonight to go over to his place and watch a movie. I know that I was complaining about him just wanting to sit around and watch tv, but theres a movie that we both wanted to see and it was my suggestion to just hang out and watch it together. When I asked him what time I should come over, he told me and then said that I probably shouldn't stay over too late tomorrow morning because he had some studying to do. I didn't have any intention of staying over and I told him that, but he said he just assumed that I would so I wouldnt have to drive late at night because he lives about 30 minutes away. So it seems like he still wants to see me and was planning on having me over night. I don't get it. That makes me think he's still interested. Link to comment
tygerwolf Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Hmm, see how it plays out. Stay cool and dont bring it up when you get there. It sounds like hes the one with the problem. But yes, the fact that he wants you over does mean he still wants you around. If you guys have sex and he suggests that you leave pretty much right after sex, thats something to be worried about. When you stay over, initiate physical non-sexual touch and see what he does. If hes still being weird, at the end of that night, I would calmly ask him about it. Dont accuse him of anything. Simple ask why he doesnt seem comfortable being affectionate with you. Good luck! Let us know how it goes. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 It's your call, but would you be comfortable spending the night with him at his parents home? I would be extremely uncomfortable with that. Have you thought about going out to a public place on this date? Link to comment
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