Its over but I don't know how to go about doing it...

[Chillihead]

I am living with my partner of two years, with whom I also work in the same office.

 

For at least the last year, things have been up and down. In all honesty (and with 20/20 hindsight) I think moving in with her was a mistake, but c'est la vie.

 

The reasons I need to break up with her are too numerous to mention, other than to say that each time something big happens she decides that she still wants to be with me and is all loving for a week or so, then it tails off again and things slowly slip downhill. Throw into the mix that I am a weekend Dad, and that she doesn't my kids the time of day when they come to stay for the weekend, and it makes for a very uncomfortable situation. So much so I dread the weekends when my kids stay and it shouldn't be that way.

 

Things basically came to a head this last week, as it was school holidays and I had my kids for the week. She of course didn't want a bar of them, and completely distanced herself from both the kids and myself. On Tuesday morning, I was up early and about when she went to work. Normally I would get a kiss from her when she leaves but that morning she just said 'bye' and walked off. I texted her remarking on it and got nothing back. Nothing at all for the rest of the day. For the rest of the week things were icy so I decided that I can't go on like this any more. I moved out to the country to be with her and essentially put my life on hold so that she could continue her way of life as a country girl.

 

So on Saturday morning after I dropped off my kids back at their mother's house I texted my partner and said that I thought our relationship had run its course, did she agree. Then went and checked out some flats in town, and found one that is absolutely perfect, sharing with a lady and her teenage son. I didn't want to leave I felt so at home there. When I returned home that afternoon, my partner's dog who has been ill for a long time seemed to be on his last legs, and that evening she called the vet out to put him out of his misery. She was devastated, and on top of that had only received my text late in the afternoon. So, clearly it wasn't time to say that I was done and wanted to move back into town. I was supportive as I could be, but also tried to keep my distance.

 

The problem is now she thinks I want to move out (even though I haven't told her that yet) she is all lovey dovey, snuggling up on the couch, and in bed, yet I know this will only last for a week or so, and we will be back to living like flatmates essentially. That is the pattern we go through each and every time, and I can't take it any more.

 

What need to do, is tell her I am leaving, give notice to my current landlord and let the new flat lady I am definitely moving in.

 

I just don't know how to go about doing it. I could be a bastard and just come out with it I guess, but that's not me.

 

I am thinking of something along the lines of still wanting to be with her, but I just can't live with her anymore. We should live separately and I can go and visit every other weekend when I don't have my kids. I don't hate, I just can't live with her.

 

Anyhoo, what are your thoughts on this situation?

 

Thanks.

[bunny45]

I am thinking of something along the lines of still wanting to be with her, but I just can't live with her anymore. We should live separately and I can go and visit every other weekend when I don't have my kids. I don't hate, I just can't live with her.

 

Actually, that sounds honest. You aren't dumping her, you just both need your space.

[Ms Darcy]

Tell her what you are thinking - that you'd like to move out and yet continue dating - and ask her how she feels about it. Have a conversation and make her feel apart of the process (if she's the kind who's good with these talks).

 

If she's going to flip out, I would be more decisive and tell her that you want to move out and yet continue dating.

[Chillihead]

I am thinking of something along the lines of still wanting to be with her, but I just can't live with her anymore. We should live separately and I can go and visit every other weekend when I don't have my kids. I don't hate, I just can't live with her.

 

Actually, that sounds honest. You aren't dumping her, you just both need your space.

 

Tell her what you are thinking - that you'd like to move out and yet continue dating - and ask her how she feels about it. Have a conversation and make her feel apart of the process (if she's the kind who's good with these talks).

 

If she's going to flip out, I would be more decisive and tell her that you want to move out and yet continue dating.

 

Thanks ladies.

 

She's not a great one for face to face communication, hence the texting her on Saturday rather than talking to her. Personally I'd much rather talk face to face as there is no confusion (well less perhaps) about what you are trying to say. Alas, she just doesn't do it. Our conversations of this type are generally done at work via email, or at home via text, with her upstairs and me downstairs!

 

Whether she will go for the idea or not I don't know. I'd like to think she would as know damn well she has been talking to one of her close friends about us and has said that she is thinking about moving on, so she is clearly not totally opposed to the idea.

 

On the down side, I got a text from the flat lady and she needs to know today what I am going to do, and that she would need me to move in no more than 3 weeks, neither of which I can do at this stage. That does give me time to work on my partner I guess, but it does mean that I lose out on the seemingly perfect flatting situation. However, when I viewed the flat and spoke with Julie, she was saying that it is a flatter's market and people are struggling to get flatmates, so at least that could work in my favour when the time comes.

[Chillihead]

I have broached the subject with her and she seems to be OK with the idea of my moving out to save our relationship. In fact she actually seemed quite impressed that I would go that far to save it.

 

I guess the title of this thread is perhaps wrong in a way, cos breaking up isn't necessarily what I am trying to achieve.

[thelittleprinc]

In honesty, its better to focus on yourself and look at what is making you unhappy in the relationship. If her not wanting to be with your kids is a major part of your unsatisfaction then it is unlikely she is going to change after all this time. Your children are not going away and it seems that her ignoring them and making you feel the way you do is obviously her way of stating that she is not happy about this part of your life. Your relationship should be fluid in terms of great communication between everyone and happy - clearly there is a major point here in that its not!

 

My advice is that you move out and take your time. Slowly build up the relationship again and focus on what drew you to one another in the first place. Your children can then also be kept separate from her and you can focus on having a great time with them rather than worry about her negativity around them.