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What would you do in this situation ?


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I have been in a relationship with woman for over a 1 year now. She is 38, I'm 54..She has Two children a 18 yr old daughter and a 16 yr old son..Our relationship has been rocky, for some time now. We moved from her home town , and I thought for a good job up north, which bombed. She hated the north, we fought most of the time. And we moved back to her home town, after 6 months. I suffer from BPD, and I believe in my heart that I really love this woman. But its all about her kids, (My children come first, me second, and you..well figure that out.) , Yesterday she called after beeening out all day with her son, mountian biking , and then said she wants to go camping. I said sure , but its going to rain. I got all the gear ready, then when she got home after 8 hrs away and me sitting at home, that her son is coming along. I declined. She packed and left this morning. She said she will be back in a couple days.


I told me before she left that she loves me, and wanted to hear those words from me. What do I do? what do I say? She spends so much time with her kids, I'm I being selfish here. Is this camping trip real, or is she out with someone else. I don't know.


Work scene has been tough, and I might get a job which is several days or even weeks away from home, should I take it. Scrap the realtionship and move on.. I feel pain and hurt. Any suggestions, what do you think..I'm sure that I'm not the only one that has gone through this.


signed Troubled and alone.

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She is offering to spend time with you. Is it that you do not want to be involved in activities if they are there? She can not really abandon her kids now can she? Parents and children are a packaged deal. Anyone who would abandon their kids for someone would not be a worthy person to even date. Do you spend time together doing things? Do you not like physical activities? Do you like other activities?

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We like to do things together, I don't mountain bike its not my thing. Her kids have told her that they hate me.. Her divorce is only a year old. When we argue she reminds me of all my faults, and I admit I do have thme, and have made mistakes in the past. But that is the past, this is the present. She reminds me often of how she lost her family, and house and all she had for me. And the things I can't provide. Material things mostly. So her kids hate me for taking their mother away from them, and she feels guilty for abondoning them as they the kids put it. I just don;t know, Im confused hurt, lost.. What do I do what do I say.

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Well look it from their perspective. They lost their dad and all they had. How would that make you feel as a child? Would you be thrilled? Every child feels this way when their family breaks up. She also feels HUGE guilt for how they feel and she is spending time with them. The kids feel very insecure about life right now. Maybe you should back off and let everyone heal. It is not good for her to throw someone into her family when everyone is still hurting and raw.

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I think that if you are putting yourselves in a position where she has to choose between spending her time/attention with her kids or spending it with you, your relationship will fail.


I think it is normal for her to spend a lot of time with her kids. It should be almost all of it! Or as much as she can squeeze in... If they are 16 and 18, she only has a few more years where they will even want to spend any time with her (actually, she's lucky they want to now). This is important. It is probably doubly or triply important that she spends time with them since she is relatively newly divorced.


I also think it's normal that the kids hate you a bit. True or not - you represent the breakdown of their family unit. You kind of have to suck this up and be the bigger person. The key to gaining their acceptance is to be there and to be involved consistantly. You are doing the opposite of that by refusing to participate in the things they do together.


If you want the relationship to work, you need to get to a place where you LIKE her kids and want to spend time with them too. Otherwise, you will always be pitted against each other and she will choose the children. You have to get to a place where it isn't even a choice - because you consider the children 1st priority over your relationship too.


I think it was a mistake not to go camping. I think that you should have been there - not to spend time with your girlfriend and compete for her attention - but to spend time with her kids and get to know them as people. The focus should be on the kids.


If you don't think you can get to this place, I think you should break up and take the job far away. Also (not to be rude), not date women with children who are under the age of 25 because they require - in addition to the relationship - a formation of a new family unit. You are not really wanting of this role.

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Wow. So many issues no wonder you feel overwhelmed. What to do? I think perhaps this is beyond you and something a family counselor MIGHT be of help. Search for one that makes you feel comfortable and if the job is done right, coping skills and life strategies will emerge that may work for the welfare of all.


Personally. I'd have a backdoor plan ready, lots of resentment issues and it's gonna blow sooner or later, take care of you .

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I want the reason for the divorce, she and I meet at work innocent at first a coffee or two then things grew. We fell in love, or at least I thought we did. I have been married twice, first wife pasted away, and the second divorce over the amount of hours I spent at work. Never home, so a divorce happened..Maybe I should have gone camping, but its too late now. She has no cell service out there, maybe I should just leave well enough alone..and just wait till she gets back..I just feel angry and not appreciated, I see why the kids hate me, but they tell their mom that they hate me, then she tells me.. Even at work , now where we both used to work at she tells them that we are not togther in fear of lossing her job, her boss told her that he did not want to see me on the property, becuase I dated and fell in love with a married woman at the time. She lives this lie every day at work and that bothers me too...She said before she went camping (don't leave me, don't leave me alone..) ...Tehn she aid don't leave until I can afford a vehicle, we only have one now, and its my little truck which she uses for work..So what do I do ?

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Ok so that explains why her children don't like you and her spending tons of time with them is likely two things,


she is their mom and that is what moms do


she's feeling guilty as hell for destroying their family


I don't think it's really going to work out for you, sorry to say. Her children will never respect a man that they view as the person that destroyed their family.

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Hi Tayma3570,


Sounds rough. I do understand that her children are a major priority. However, she is making you feel as though you count for very little, and that is a real problem here.


Many women have kids and are able to balance that with a new relationship. The fact is, "Where there's a will, there is a way" and right now, she clearly lacks the will.


The kids aren't the direct problem. (although I do have to agree, if you and the kiddiwinkies can't bear to be in the same room, that doesn't bode well for a Happyfamilys future) Her emotional needs are being met. Are yours? It's clear that you care about her deeply but is this really the type of relationship you want?

You are having to do all the work and getting very little back. You can choose to hang in there until things change but there is no guarantee that they will.


The ball is in your court. She has stated where she stands. You have to decide if you happy enough with what she has to offer, or require a more meaningful emotional commitment. A frank and honest conversation is needed about where this relationship is going and what is needed to get it there.


There is scope for change - she says she loves you - but she has given every indication that she won't be doing that any time soon.


Wishing you all the best - Deciduousxxx

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