sunday2010 Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 hey all I'm wondering on what has happened in other peoples lives on when moving in together seems to happen. I'm eight months into a relationship have talked about it but am surprised it hasn;t happned yet... so when did you move in with a partner? Link to comment
petite Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 We started living together after one year. I think it's just the right amount of time. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Never. If i am serious enough to make the commitment to live with someone, I would marry them before doing so. You can still spend a whole lot of time with someone and not actually live with them fulltime. I think moving in with someone because it is easier, or cheaper, or convenient is a really bad reason, and I wouldn't make any kind of big commitment to someone until i'd known them for at least a couple of years. I also think when you are very young and don't have many assets or don't own a house, it is easy to move around and rent a place together BUT there are just too many cases where people sign leases to live together or hop in and out of living with different people then are stuck in a lease after a breakup or wonder why the guy won't marry them after years of living together when they eagerly moved in and never really talked about being committed or marriage before doing so. I think if a couple is engaged and has a wedding date set then moving in together is fine if they really feel they need a 'trial' period together, but i would never move in with someone otherwise. Otherwise if the relationship breaks up, you have not only to deal with a broken heart, but also the logistics and financial chaos brought on by having to move. I also think that someitimes people ruin a relationship by moving in together too soon which can trigger a lot of doubts and conflicts if they rush into things before both people have made up their minds that this is a permanent partner. And if someone doesn't believe in marriage (and will never marry and both people have openly agreed to that), then i still wouldn't do it before a couple years until i was pretty sure the person was a keeper and that i knew them well enough to make that decision. Link to comment
hidden_kitten Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I'm eight months into a relationship...but am surprised it hasn;t happned yet... I'm surprsed that you're considering it already! I'm also thinking that at least a year should be spent dating before moving in together. However, my last relationship was four years long and we never moved in, just as well really. Interested in seeing the other replies. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I don't consider sharing physical space to reflect an increased emotional commitment and I didn't want to live with someone unless we were engaged with an imminent wedding date. My husband and I moved in together after we were married. I lived with someone for about two weeks while we were engaged to be married three months later and we broke up (not because of the living together). I don't relate to people who see sharing physical space as a "next step" or "progress" towards a stronger commitment. For me the next step was a marriage proposal and a wedding date. Or, if the couple never wanted to marry, then a next step would be a decision to be together long term with a marital-like commitment. Whether or not they shared physical space would be a matter of logistics. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 From reading your previous threads it really seems like you are in desperation mode and it sounds like you want to move in with him and be with him not so much because you love him but because it will then allow you to check off the box of what you wanted accomplished by the time you are 40. Lots of guys, in order to woo the woman, will make all kinds of grand plans when they barely know you..they talk about the future and family etc as if it is a given that this will happen with you. Many women end up very disappointed when 2 months into the relationship the guy makes all kinds of references to marriage and future and their children etc but then 8 months or so into the relationship there is no follow-through. Grand promises during the honeymoon period should be taken with a huge grain of salt. You barely know each other at that point and what is talking is both infatuation and the relief of having a partner and not being single. If you are ready to end the relationship because he is not rushing into moving in together then is it really him that you care about or just that he represents the goal of relationship/marriage. Living together is no indication of whether or not the couple will be together for the long haul. Today many people have serial unofficial marriages/divorces in the sense that they have lived with almost every single gf/bf they have ever had..and have repeatedly gone through the financial and emotional upheaval that goes along with divorce except without the legal document. Link to comment
KittyBoo Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I have never lived with anyone other than my ex-husband and we did not live together before we got married. We dated for almost 4 years before we got married. We were married for 10 years before we split up. Link to comment
Vince99 Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 EXACTLY!! SO many people need to read this and believe it. Link to comment
iBroken Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 From reading your previous threads it really seems like you are in desperation mode and it sounds like you want to move in with him and be with him not so much because you love him but because it will then allow you to check off the box of what you wanted accomplished by the time you are 40. Exactly! I dont think you should be trying to move in with this guy when you are CLEARLY not happy with him.....your threads indicate you are just settling. You are only making things worse. To answer the question, my ex and I moved in after 10 months. My current girlfriend of 7 months and I have been talking about moving in as well. So it will be around the 10-12 month mark Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I find 8 months soon. But that's just me. I think I would wait 2 years before considering moving in. That way you know each other longer/better than in the first year. I've been with my BF 4 years, still living separate. We'd love to live together but we're not ready for the responsibilities. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 One other thing is that many people see moving in together as a sign of commitment, while the person they are moving in with just sees it as convenience or saving money. Doesn't mean they intend to marry your or anything else, just that this is convenient for now, and if they meet someone else they like better, they'll move out or ask you to move out. So never consider this without talking about what it means first, or you could waste a lot of time and money on someone who isn't even all that committed to you, just interested in saving money or the regular sex they get by being in the same bed every night. Link to comment
sunday2010 Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 thanks for the replies.. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I've read your previous threads and it doesn't sound like it's a good idea for you, OP. Things like marriage and moving in and even having babies NEVER make a relationship stronger. The relationship has to already have a good foundation and track record BEFORE these things happen. An iffy relationship doesn't automatically get better with moving in or marriage. If you're having problems, you need to work on them before sharing physical space or taking the "next step". I was with my ex for 3 years and never moved in and never had imminent plans to. I also was with my last ex for 2 years with no plans. This didn't bother me. I prefer to take things more slowly. I want to live with a guy before I marry him but I don't plan on moving in with any boyfriend unless he and I have been together for at least 2 years, preferably more. I also would want to live with him for 1-2 years prior to actually getting married. But that's just me. I like to work with a lot of time. When you're not looking to have biological kids (like me) you can take all of the time you like in the world. Link to comment
sunday2010 Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 thanks for your imput but I', 37 and do want bilogocal children ... so yeha don't have the luxury of time Link to comment
metrogirl Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 When I was with my ex, we started living together after dating for one year. We stayed together for 8 years. With my current boyfriend, we have been together for 6 1/2 years and still don't live together. It's just not something either of us want right at the moment. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 thanks for your imput but I', 37 and do want bilogocal children ... so yeha don't have the luxury of time I wasn't aware of this. Still, I think you may be settling, reading from your past threads. Isn't it better to take the necessary time to find a QUALITY partner with whom to share your life with than to just shack up with someone who isn't right for just because you want kids? It will come back to bite you in the butt if you do this. You'll likely end up in divorce and that won't be good for the children. There are options for people to get pregnant in their late 30s and 40s. It's not a "do or die" time for you and I'm afraid with that "rush" mentality, you're going to end up settling and you'll never be happy. Link to comment
petite Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Personally, I think age does play a big factor, a 23 year old has much more time to waste than women in their 30-40's that still would like to have children. If someone asked me at 20 whether I'd want to live with a man other than a husband I'd say absolutely not, but if people are planing a future together or want to see whether they can survive living together then it's up to the couple to decide what is right for them. I've personally never lived with a boyfriend, my fiance moved in after we were engaged with a set wedding date - there were many different reasons but main being we wanted to live in the same house and not worry about traveling back and forth and having two sets of bills, chores, grocery shopping but spending time at one house and having all the food rot at the other - it was becoming pointless since we'd spend all but maybe one night a week apart. However, I do think that living together should not happen before the one year mark and it does involve extensive discussions not only about the future but about the living situation too. I wouldn't ever settle for anyone, but I also wouldn't waste years living apart and not having a set plan for the future. Also I don't believe that living with a fiance is a trial period, that to me isn't a fair statement because if one has decided to make such a commitment and for many it is a big step, they don't need a living trial to see whether they want to get married or not - usually people know beforehand. Sunday, you're an adult and if you feel that your relationship is secure and if there is a future in plan with that man, then do what your hear it telling you, but don't rush it solely for the kids. That being said you shouldn't wait 2-3-4 years either because it is different for women once they enter 30's. I'm not saying marry the frst one that comes along, but I am saying don't waste time in relationships that last years without any set future plans. Link to comment
Brittney2008 Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 We moved in together after one year. It's been great and has strengthened the relationship. Link to comment
katycloud Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we still do not live together, but are starting to try and get it happening! We've waited 5 years though. We do however spend lots of time at each other's houses - I especially spend a lot of time at his house. It sucks to be constantly living out of an overnight bag, though! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I have seen people get married simply because they were desperate for children. So they have the children but are stuck in a very unhappy marriage or end up divorced. Getting married in order to beat the biological clock is a very poor reason to get married. Marriage is not just about children..because if the person you married is not right for you, once you have children you are basically stuck with the partner for life, even in the event of a divorce. Just ask the many divorced people who can't stand that they have to deal with their ex because of the children. Not everyone in life is going to get everything they want. Not everyone in life is going to have children even if they want children...just like not everyone is going to find a partner, not everyone is going to travel the world, not everyone is going to make tons of money. Life is about accepting that you are not going to get everything you want but you can still be very happy with the things that you do have. Link to comment
katycloud Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 thanks for your imput but I', 37 and do want bilogocal children ... so yeha don't have the luxury of time Agreed with what Crazyaboutdogs said, even if you don't have the luxury of time and you desperately want children, do you think rushing things could possibly result in a divorce/break up and then you left to raise children as a single mum? This seems to happen too often when people rush into marriage/moving in JUST because they want to have children. Link to comment
annalisa84 Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 We moved in after 4 months Yes it was too soon and it was difficult in the beginning, especially considering that he had never lived with any of his gfs before, but we have now been together for 8 months and neither of us regrets the decision! The everyday comfy life together is a big part of what makes me happy in a relationship and he says the same. It gives you more than just dating.. I would never marry someone before living together for at least a year - in my humble opinion you cannot really know the person without living together. Link to comment
_Asti_ Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 When we were seriously considering getting married. This happened around almost 6 years together, shortly after moving in, we got engaged, married 10 months later. I wouldn't have done it any other way. We were moving in together because our relationship was moving forward and this was the next step. If marriage wasn't in the near future, I would have been out on my own, living by myself. We talked things through, up, down, right and left, everything was spot on. It wasn't to test the relationship, and see if we were compatible. We knew that before moving in together. I wouldn't have considered moving in together if I had to test the relationship and see if things were alright living together. I knew all his little quirks and issues long before. Moving in together was so easy and effortless and smooth. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 We moved in after 4 months Yes it was too soon and it was difficult in the beginning, especially considering that he had never lived with any of his gfs before, but we have now been together for 8 months and neither of us regrets the decision! The everyday comfy life together is a big part of what makes me happy in a relationship and he says the same. It gives you more than just dating.. I would never marry someone before living together for at least a year - in my humble opinion you cannot really know the person without living together. I think you can have the same comfort level by seeing each other every day or almost every day, staying at each other's places regularly but maintaining your own physical residences and keeping your finances separate too. I know we did. We weren't "just dating" before we got engaged, then married - we were in an exclusive relationship to see if we should get married. Living together in the same physical space wouldn't have changed that - we didn't need to play house to get the comfort level you describe. Link to comment
_Asti_ Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I think you can have the same comfort level by seeing each other every day or almost every day, staying at each other's places regularly but maintaining your own physical residences and keeping your finances separate too. I know we did. We weren't "just dating" before we got engaged, then married - we were in an exclusive relationship to see if we should get married. Living together in the same physical space wouldn't have changed that - we didn't need to play house to get the comfort level you describe. Exactly. I do agree with that. We could judge very well how living together would be based on the relationship we had. Making the transition from home to living together was smooth because we had a comfort level already, knew about each other in great depths, and could generally judge how th other person would be once living together based on the relationship. Nothing suprised either one of us when we moved in together, Link to comment
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