Quarter-life crisis? Feel like I'm stuck in a rut :(

[katycloud]

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my life and feeling pretty down about it. Today especially I feel as though I'm stuck in some sort of a rut, so I thought I'd post a thread to see what you guys say...

 

I am just not satisfied with my life at the moment and I want to know how I can set myself up some new goals and challenges, or least simply just ENJOY my current position in life

 

I am 23 years old and I work full-time as a primary school teacher. I graduated with honours in my degree, I've landed myself a great job which will provide financial security for as long as I choose to work there, I have a great boyfriend of 5 years. But there are some things that are getting me down.

 

I still live with my parents. And I really, really hate it. I pay rent to them and everything. It's not a TERRIBLE situation. But I really hate living here though because my boyfriend lives 30+ minutes drive away and because of our work schedules we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like. I'm constantly travelling between my place and his and feel as though I'm always living out of a suitcase. I would LOVE to find a place with him and move in together, we discuss the future ALL the time and he would love to as well, we both also want to get married sometime in the near future.

 

The problem is that my parents believe that renting is a waste of money. They told me that if I start renting now, I will rent for the rest of my life and I will never own my house house. They are narrow-minded and have strong opinions about renting. They do not think that I can save up to buy a house while I'm renting. What they don't understand is that it is going to take my boyfriend and I at least a few years to save up for a deposit on a house, and I don't know if I can handle living at home for another few years. Plus we want to eventually get married, how can we get married if I'm still living at home and he's still living with his housemates? Does this mean we have to wait 5 years before we get engaged because THAT's when we'll be able to buy a house? I don't know whether to take my parents' advice or to just go against what they say and just move out and rent with my boyfriend until we can afford a house. The culture here is that young people are living with their parents for longer and longer so that they can save up to buy or whatever, but I just am not happy and fulfilled here.

 

I guess I am just feeling down because I've achieved almost everything I wanted to achieve at this stage of my life. I've finished my dregree, got a great job, got a wonderful long term boyfriend. I'm ready to keep moving forward but I feel so stagnant and it is making me really depressed. I just feel like I have grown out of my parents house, I don't enjoy living here because I desperately need independance and I just miss my boyfriend more than anything. I'm also so sick of commuting in-between houses just to see him and constantly living out of my overnight bag.

 

What should I do?

[ApocalypseDreams]

How come you and your boyfriend don't rent a place together? If you were sharing the renting costs wouldn't you both be able to save for a deposit on a house?

[Allium]

Parents always tend to make plans in a low risk way. And it's understandable. But the good thing about taking risks is that you kinda force yourself into a slightly strained situation where you'll not let yourself down. You'll find a way. You seem like you have a strong need for taking control of your life, and that's very good.

 

Go for the rent, I say.

[katycloud]

How come you and your boyfriend don't rent a place together? If you were sharing the renting costs wouldn't you both be able to save for a deposit on a house?

 

Well, that's what I was planning on doing. Sharing the renting costs, my parents still don't think we will be capable of saving up for a deposit on a house. I just don't know if there is any truth to their misconceptions on rent. They think that renting is a total waste of money and once you start renting you'll be stuck in that situation and never be able to buy. If my boyfriend and I share the renting costs, rent will work out being about $150 each per week. I earn about $800 a week and he earns about the same. Maybe I'm being naive in thinking we will be able to rent AND save?

 

Parents always tend to make plans in a low risk way. And it's understandable. But the good thing about taking risks is that you kinda force yourself into a slightly strained situation where you'll not let yourself down. You'll find a way. You seem like you have a strong need for taking control of your life, and that's very good.

 

Go for the rent, I say.

 

I think so, too. I just hope I'm not wrong and they are right. Thanks so much for the responses, guys.

[ApocalypseDreams]

Well, that's what I was planning on doing. Sharing the renting costs, my parents still don't think we will be capable of saving up for a deposit on a house. I just don't know if there is any truth to their misconceptions on rent. They think that renting is a total waste of money and once you start renting you'll be stuck in that situation and never be able to buy. If my boyfriend and I share the renting costs, rent will work out being about $150 each per week. I earn about $800 a week and he earns about the same. Maybe I'm being naive in thinking we will be able to rent AND save?

 

Maybe it would be a little harder for you to save while renting if you were single and I can see why some people might live with their parents to save a little more. I think if you are in a stable, long term relationship you'd be able to save enough for a deposit between you while still paying the rent and such.

 

Your parents mean well but sometimes their advice isn't the best outcome for you. If I were you I'd discuss the possibility of moving in with your boyfriend and if you're both into the idea - do it. The other thing is, I believe it's important to live and share a house with someone who is your future husband. Not to be negative but I've had friends who have married and never lived with eachother and find out that their partner is not what they thought they were.

[Talus]

You're paying rent already. Move out with your boyfriend. That actually sounds like the whole issue here. And it's a valid one at that. You've done everything else, but you still live at home and haven't progressed from there. Parents are great, but they're not always right... Go with your gut and move out

[katycloud]

You're paying rent already. Move out with your boyfriend. That actually sounds like the whole issue here. And it's a valid one at that. You've done everything else, but you still live at home and haven't progressed from there. Parents are great, but they're not always right... Go with your gut and move out

 

The rent that I am paying currently to my parents for living at home though isn't really a substantial amount, it's more of a 'token.' I do desperately want to move out, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut living with my parents. I want to stop being stagnant and start moving forwards in life again to new and exciting things, and I think that moving out with my SO is the first step to the next 'stage' of my life. I just wish I could make my parents see that renting is not the end of the world. I also wish I could know that I'm NOT going to fall into this trap that they think we'll get stuck in if we start renting... because we do eventually want to own a home... Sigh! Thanks so much for your response though guys. Really appreciate it. My boyfriend's current lease with his roommates doesn't finish for a few months so we've still got that long to decide whether we want to move out and rent together. I honestly don't see any other option other than staying at home for a ridiculously longer amount of time than I want to.

[Talus]

Stop overthinking it. Do it. Paying rent is a normal part of life. You haven't lived out of home and you haven't lived with your boyfriend before(No matter how perfect you are that's a different experience entirely). Why would you go straight into buying a house? Rent. Move around. Do what you have to. As long as you're happy your parents will change their views. Do this for you.

[anya1607307555]

In one sense your parents are right in that it will likely take you longer to save whilst paying out extra costs. That isn't to say you have to abide by their every word, it's just advice. At the end of the day, you can take it or ignore it as you please. Perhaps accepting that you have a choice will lessen the anxiety it is creating in you.

 

Also, I think making concrete plans and a timeline with your boyfriend will go some way to alleviating it. Don't be in too much of a rush to achieve certain milestones, the journey is just as important.

[katycloud]

In one sense your parents are right in that it will likely take you longer to save whilst paying out extra costs. That isn't to say you have to abide by their every word, it's just advice. At the end of the day, you can take it or ignore it as you please. Perhaps accepting that you have a choice will lessen the anxiety it is creating in you.

 

Also, I think making concrete plans and a timeline with your boyfriend will go some way to alleviating it. Don't be in too much of a rush to achieve certain milestones, the journey is just as important.

 

Thanks for your advice You are right. I know the journey is just as important as the destination, but I feel like our journey has just stalled. We've been together for 5 years now and have pretty much achieved our aspirations in other areas of our life, now I just feel as though the journey has ended and we're stuck here... hence feeling as though I'm stuck in a rut! We did originally have a concrete timeline... the plan was to move out together when his current lease ends, and rent for a year or so while we save up to buy. That was our plan, until my parents started nailing me about how if we do this it is going to be a big mistake etc etc etc. So now I feel as though I'm stuck again.

 

I know that it will likely take us longer to save while we have extra expenses (i.e. rent) but I'd rather move out now than be in my late twenties and still unmarried and living at home despite having been with my boyfriend for almost a decade. Because honestly, that's what it feels like is going to happen if I don't move from this position! I know it sounds ridiculous but it's just horrible feeling so stagnant and uninspired. Parents are great but my gut tells me it's time to move on and staying here is just making me depressed.

 

Maybe doing this for myself is the right choice, despite what my parents are saying. Hopefully they won't be right about it being a 'big mistake...'

 

Thanks so much for all of the responses guys. All of your advice is very valuable!

[anya1607307555]

I appreciate a negative attitude from them can be discouraging, but be careful not to dismiss their actual words whilst you are moving forward with your own decisions, is all I'm saying.

 

Would moving in together with housemates for a year be an option? That may be a way to have the best of both worlds.

[katycloud]

I appreciate a negative attitude from them can be discouraging, but be careful not to dismiss their actual words whilst you are moving forward with your own decisions, is all I'm saying.

 

Definitely, I agree completely, which is why I'm not dismissing their advice completely and still unsure of what my moves are going to be!

 

Would moving in together with housemates for a year be an option? That may be a way to have the best of both worlds.

 

This is something we are actually considering, perhaps moving in with another couple we know so that the rent is split by 4 rather than by 2... it's something I'll have to think about, though. Would it be weird living with another couple if you were engaged? My boyfriend seems to think that for some odd reason. Anyway, it's definitely something we are considering. We will definitely be able to save more, though living with other people can be difficult from what everyone tells me.

 

Anyway, thank you so much for all of your responses so far! There is lots I need to think about.

[anya1607307555]

I personally don't consider it weird. I don't think it would be weird living in that arrangement whilst married either, but that's just me Good luck with whatever you decide.

[NowandZen]

Honestly, you sound a little depressed. I can say that if you parents are my age, that the values they hold are different from yours, and sometimes we parents, in our infinite wisdom, forget that. Nothing they say is wrong, of course, but it assumes a value system different from yours RIGHT NOW.

 

Twenty years down the road, you may see more eye to eye with the 2011 version of your parents. This does nothing for your depression now.

 

Here's what I suggest: Make a list of your values, not things, but what YOU consider most important. Stick to those first and don't worry about the rest.

[katycloud]

Thanks for your reply, NowandZen

 

My parents are in their fifties and while we do share similar values, they often fail to realise that the world is a very different place now to what it was when they were my age. When they were my age they already owned a house and were married. It's just... different now.

 

I know exactly where they are coming from in that they want to protect me from any financial difficulties, but if I comply by their suggestions it will be years before I can move out and get married and I don't know if I can wait that long. I'm so sick of living out of an overnight bag! I need my own space, and I need to see my SO more often

 

Ah well, I will see what happens. Thanks for all the responses everyone.

[FathomFear]

Anyone who has "strong opinions against renting" obviously hasn't been paying close attention to the news the last 5-10 years. The real estate market in complete disarray and countless people are either underwater with their mortgages or have walked away from them completely.

 

I'm 31 and have enough assets such that I could buy a moderately sized house in my area with cash. But I still rent. Why? Because I don't want to be tied down to one area and also don't want to invest in buying a property which will likely decline in value over the next 10 years, which is a reality that most economists are saving will materialize.

 

I would advise taking the leap and renting for at least a year. The money you spend, while not going towards home equity, will be worth it. You'll have your shelter and independence. You could always reevaluate the decision in a year's time. Many people transition from renting to home ownership, so it's not as unfathomable as your parents think it is.

[katycloud]

^ Thanks for your reply My parents response to the whole economy argument would be that Australia's economy isn't so bad at the moment (which is true, the Australian economy is faring pretty well compared to say, the US) and houses are still gaining value with time. So, according to them, a house is a good investment, and renting is a waste.

But having said that, we definitely are not living in the same economy that they were living in during their baby boomer time... buying a house seems like an almost impossible and impractical task at this point in my life. Mortgage repayments would be so much more than rent.

 

I agree with you that taking the leap might just be the right thing to do in order to get myself out of this rut that I feel I'm trapped in. Hopefully though, it won't mean I'm stuck renting forever.

 

Thank you everyone for your replies.

[ApocalypseDreams]

^ Thanks for your reply My parents response to the whole economy argument would be that Australia's economy isn't so bad at the moment (which is true, the Australian economy is faring pretty well compared to say, the US) and houses are still gaining value with time. So, according to them, a house is a good investment, and renting is a waste.

But having said that, we definitely are not living in the same economy that they were living in during their baby boomer time... buying a house seems like an almost impossible and impractical task at this point in my life. Mortgage repayments would be so much more than rent.

 

Amen to that! My parents bought their house when we first moved to Australia for $60,000. It's a big house, in a well established area, a short walk from a nice beach and now is valued at about $700,000 to $800,000.

 

The problem is, the part of Australia I'm in, the economy is especially booming because of our natural resource industry and we have alot of rich mining workers. This drives the house prices up even higher (along with alot of other things). Its all good if you are a well off fly in fly out mining worker or have a partner and both of you are on decent incomes. However, if you are earning an average wage and don't have a partner, there isn't much opportunity for you to own a home any time soon.

[katycloud]

Amen to that! My parents bought their house when we first moved to Australia for $60,000. It's a big house, in a well established area, a short walk from a nice beach and now is valued at about $700,000 to $800,000.

 

The problem is, the part of Australia I'm in, the economy is especially booming because of our natural resource industry and we have alot of rich mining workers. This drives the house prices up even higher (along with alot of other things). Its all good if you are a well off fly in fly out mining worker or have a partner and both of you are on decent incomes. However, if you are earning an average wage and don't have a partner, there isn't much opportunity for you to own a home any time soon.

 

Exactly. I don't live in a mining city (but woah I've heard about miners and their crazy incomes), I live in Melbourne and house prices are booming, so unless you've got a fairly high salary, owning a home is out of the question. Most people my age rent, and if they do buy, they have to live hours out of the city which is unconvenient and uneconomical because the value of the house won't increase like the value closer to the city. My parents just have this whole mindset that Gen-Y people like me have it soooooo easy and if I don't buy a house it's because I'm just wasting my money away and being lazy. They don't understand that I've been trying to save every penny I earn and I'm still nowhere NEAR being a homeowner in the foreseeable future!

 

I'm actually starting to really stress about it. I'm only on a primary school teacher's income and my boyfriend is a casual chef. Are we ever going to be able to get married or have children? The thought of having to live at home for several more years makes me so depressed!

[ApocalypseDreams]

Yeah, Melbourne is a pretty trendy city to live in (I'd move to Melbourne in a heart beat if I could, I love it there.), so I can see why it would be expensive to live there. Here in Perth a young couple could maybe afford a new house in the very Northern suburbs. Like you said though, it takes a long time to commute to work as most people work in and around the city and the public transport and freeways are lacking that far up north. The Gen Y debate portrays us pretty horribly too, like we are all after unrealistic demands all the time? Most of my friends and myself just want an opportunity to work in a decent job with some career prospects and own a house. It's nothing none of the previous generations have had or wanted but we are portrayed as being greedy with our expectations. We're not to blame for all the mess with the economy.

 

Like just about every other poster has said in this thread, I'd still move out and rent. I think you could still save for a deposit, while having the independence and opportunity to live with your boyfriend. It may take a few years to reach a point were you can build up a deposit but I think that's just part and parcel of being Gen Y.

 

Good Luck!

[garibaldi1]

Hi KatyCloud, I live in the UK so am not so much aware of the house price situation in Melbourne but can certainly relate to you in terms of my parents going against me on a certain situation. It doesn't mean to say your situation requires the same outcome but I'll briefly explain to indicate what I mean - I met a girl after talking online on a forum, very random because it was not a dating site or anything (one thing lead to another after meeting up once) and I told my parents after a while that I was kind of on the fence about where to take things with this girl. My parents were just like forget it, too much complications, they just didn't like the whole idea of meeting in an unorthodox way, plus distance, and at the time I just kind of paniced and called things off because I'd never met someone in that way either and it would have just felt so weird, even 'wrong' to go against my parents. The thing is, in exactly the same manner as yours, they meant well but a couple of months later the 'what if?' factor was too much for me and I noticed there weren't too many real reasons to at least try something - I called up the girl, we met up and have been seeing each other for 4 months. It may end in a month, it may turn in to friends, it may be a fairytale ending, I have no idea but the point is after thinking about it I noticed I'd basically let other people make my decision because I was scared to make my own and your situation seems similar.

 

That feeling of being trapped I was very familiar with after the point at which I paniced because it felt like I was going down a particular path which I had to go down, like it or not and I became rather depressed, your words sound a bit down also, as if you've been a bit defeated by life -i think part of that is because you don't feel like you have a choice, or rather there is a risky element to both decisions. This is the key, you need to, as someone else said, accept you have a choice and basically suck it up; just think I'm going to think through this and make an informed decision - that's the best you can do, we're not perfect. What I would suggest is sitting down either by yourself or with your boyfriend and actually work out the figures, however boring it may sound. That would then make your plan more concrete in your mind because I think atm you're literally thinking 'I could move out...that would be good...' and then thinking back to your parents advice and just feeling a little 'stuck' without genuinely working through the pros and cons of both sides. Work out the difference between both your current rents and potential rents, how much you save a week now and how much less it would be etc. and then you can really look at it and think, is this feasible? If you both think it's worth it then go for it and if you don't, don't. It's easy enough for some of us on here to say go for it but it's your life and I think part of you is coming on here hoping a load of people will indeed say 'move' so you can justify moving to yourself, whereas more important than our replies should be sitting down with your boyfriend and thinking right, if we were going to do this, how much longer would it actually delay us buying a house etc. is it worth it? You can work out those sorts of questions objectively to an extent and from there decide between yourselves if it's a good idea and that would hopeully at least make you feel as if you're making progress. You wouldn't be ignoring your parents advice because you'd have thought about their rent point and would be working out how big the risk would be, but at the same time you woudn't be resigned to thinking it is definitely too much of a risk.

 

Basic example: so you're earning $1600 between you a week. Say between you, you were paying $100 rent before and that will change to $300. You save a little less in the new house as the old two, lets say you spend $250 a week between you but would spend $300. Forget tax in this example - before you were making $1250 profit a week between you and it turns in to $1000 with the new rental. That means you're making 5/6 of what you were making before so obviously it won't be quite as basic as this but instead of staying with your parents/him staying with mates and finding a house together in 5 years...you'd stay together for 6 and then get a house (assuming lots of things including living together working well!)

 

So yeah, of course I've assumed a whole lot of stuff that could change in that example and it would be wrong of me to say something absolutely because you'll know a lot more about this dilemma than I do, I just think maybe planning things out would really make moving an option to be considered rather than a thought backed up with no substance? I hope I helped in some way anyway, sorry if that was rather long winded and feel free to ask anything, I'd be happy to try and help in some way.

 

Cheers.

[katycloud]

Hi garibaldi1 Thanks so much for sharing your story and your reply!

 

You are exactly right in that the only way I can make an informed decision is to sit down with my boyfriend and calculate the figures. We have done so roughly, and we came to a similar conclusion - it will take us a little longer to save for a house, BUT while we are saving we will be together and happy rather than apart and miserable. So we need to decide whether what we value more: saving money quicker (but staying apart for several more years and being miserable!) or taking a little longer to save but getting our lives moving and less stagnant again.

 

I personally prefer the second option. The only question is how accurately we calculated the figures, we could potentially become out of our depth and not be able to save up for a house and be stuck renting! But for some reason I think that we will be okay. This is something I really want to do. It's just really hard to try and go against my parents beliefs when I know that they are very wise people who just want the best for me.

 

Anyway, thanks so much for your response. Very much appreciated!

[garibaldi1]

No worries, the way you're saying i.e. 'a little longer...but while saving we will be together and happy rather than apart and miserable' pretty much indicates exactly what you want to do! Of course your predictions can't be proved to be absolutely accurate but personally I don't see the problem...I mean renting a few more years yes, but these worries like 'stuck renting forever' - well I don't get them, surely you'll still be making quite a bit between you a week and thus, whilst it might make a year or twos difference, could it really be as devastating as this vicious circle scenario? I'm not sure if that would really happen unless there was a considerably large difference between what you both make in proft now and if you lived together, of course I don't know the ins and outs of that.

 

Maybe you could even look closely at that rough version, make it more detailed/accurate and show it to your parents if it still seems like a good idea; indicating that you've really thought it through. After all if you work it out and it seems like the best option but you never deal with the fact you won't do it because of your parents concerns, you'll never get to the point of actually moving and will just be in constant limbo...that's where the whole trapped feeling is not cool.