It's been 3+ of NC, do I talk to my ex boyfriend first?

[lizisatanner]

I'm sorry if this turns out to be a long story and I don't want to waste all your time with you reading it, but if you do. Thank you very much for your help.

 

I know I know...I should probably be over this by now and I already know I should move on. But I can't help it...so I appreciate if I can get some supportive answers. Thanks again everybody!

 

Anyways, my ex and I broke up in March, a week short from our 1 year anniversary. It wasn't a planned break up, he just initiated it after we had a little argument over me getting jealous... But before that (a month before) he already told me he was feeling different about us...but we talked it out and he decided he didn't want a break. Well anyways, after we broke up I did all the mistakes...I was quite desperate told him how much I missed him...told him I was crying too hard and ugh I was so pathetic when talking to him. For a week or two after our break-up we were "dating" but not boyfriend and girlfriend, he just agreed to still be together without a label...but after a week of that I noticed he was being a little distant...he told me he had feelings for another girl at his school. (We go to different schools now)

 

So, we end our "dating" stage after the break up and I just stop talkign to him completely. He doesn't even try talking to me after that...so about 3-4 weeks after our break-up he starts going out with this new girl. I was devasted. At the time they started dating I had not been talking to him...Now, 3 months after that I just heard a couple of weeks ago that they broke up. So I know it was a rebound for the both of them. (She recently got out of a year long relationship and started dating my ex) I have done NC for 3+ months now. I don't even know what to do anymore. He doesn't even seem interested in me. His rebound is over, but I don't know if he still wants me or even wants to talk to me.

 

I thought I was over it and don't get me wrong...I am...well at least over the break-up. But not over him. I have been working on myself and I have not had any breakdowns since then, but I just feel horrible because I heard from a mutual friend that him and his rebound are still friends...but he doesn't even try to be friends with me!! He just met her this year, we've known each other for a couple of years before we started dating.

 

What do you think I should do? Initiate contact with him? I have a feeling that if he really did want to talk to me, he wouldn't because he would think I was angry of something. I'm not, but I think he'd assume that...He's the type of guy who just assumes the worse. Even before we were dating he thought I didn't like him. Ugh anyways, I just feel upset again over everything and I was hoping he'd want to talk to me by now, because I really don't want to be the one initiating contact again after months of not speaking...I know I shouldn't have been waiting for him, but I had some feeling that he might...maybe now is not the time

 

What do you think of my situation also? I would like your perspective if you were the dumper...did you ever miss you ex? Even after the begged and pleaded...Did you still want to be their friend? Did you ever want to initiate contact and if you did, how did you do it if you haven't spoken in so long?

[Kitkat973]

I think you've made good progress in getting past him, and that you need to keep your focus on yourself, not on him.

[Deciduous]

Hi lizisatanner

 

My heart goes out to you and I think you are being way too rough on yourself by thinking you should be over this by now. You were dealt a major and heartbreaking blow not 3 months ago. Who gets over that kind of things in 12 weeks???? You'd have to be a sociopath. [Hugs]

 

I know you are missing him like crazy and it really hurts to be out of his life, but the reason you are doing NC is to give yourself time and space to grieve and heal. And it's a bl**dy hard journey too. Always is. Two steps forward and one step backwards.

 

You are still on your path to recovery and not yet in a position to offer this lad friendship and support. Would you really want to chat about the details of his lastest fling. That kind of friendly banter could crucify a girl. You are still getting over a year long relationship. If you befriended him now, the truth is you would be only looking to restart the relationship and he clearly can't offer you that now.

 

As painful as it is, you need to keep walking the road of healing, yes on bloodied stumps and bruised kneecaps, but this is the only way you will come to terms with a major loss and eventually get to place of acceptance. It is over. You desperately don't want it to be, but it is.

 

You have to put your own feelings first right now. Restart your interests, as empty as they might feel now, hang out with those friends who can provide you with semblance of comfort during this 'orrible 'orrible time. But it does eventually come to a merciful end. Just keep heading in the right direction for now.

 

Wishing you all the best

 

Deciduousxxx

[hpinky]

Hello there, I stumbled upon your thread and thought I'd give you some perspective from someone who's been the dumper several times and a dumpee. I've dated guys for about a year or so before. I dumped them because of constant bickering to the point where I just knew the relationship wouldn't lead anywhere and I didn't want to put up with the arguing. I never had any desire to call them and I knew for sure I didn't miss them. I was a b***h so to say. I had an ex drive 4hrs to see me begging me to take him back and I didn't care. I was younger but my morale was that I didn't ever want to be with them again so I wanted to cut them off completely so they wouldn't even hold on to any ounce of hope.

 

I Was harsh but I didn't want to lead them on by trying to be their friend.

 

In my opinion if your ex hasn't tried contacting you in 3 months he probably isn't interested but you've still got a chance. When I saw my ex, the one who drove 4 hrs, he was looking good and if I wasnt dating someone I would've pursued him again.

 

Just basically work on yourself, get a new look. Work out more and where something different. Try to be happy and live your life so that when he runs into you feelings will start rushing back. I know mine did but I kept my distance because of my boyfriend at the time.

 

Good luck.

[DylanNotorious]

I think you should continue to accept things are completely over. He was already having doubt about you before your permanent split.

 

I think he is still friends with this girl, because he did not dump her. So he is acting like you - trying to keep the friendship for another shot.

 

I really think your better off in the long run, if you try and put this all behind you.

[lizisatanner]

Thanks everybody. I want to move on, but sometimes I can't set my mind to it, you know? I KNOW I should. But then I can't stop my subconscious from thinking of him, I still dream of him or random things remind me of him. I stop it right away...but somtimes I just forget.

 

I know I should probably stop worrying about him. But I really would like to be friends one day...I just don't want him to think I'm still upset at him after all this time. Plus his younger brother has recently been contacting me more about random things and old jokes. I don't even know what that means!

[Deciduous]

Hiya Lizisatanner,

 

Ooops! I hope you didn't get me wrong. Of course I don't believe you should block your feelings or thoughts about your ex. Naturally this is going to come up time and time again. Nothing to be ashamed of, girlfriend! It's only the subconscious ruminating and trying to make sense of all that's happened. That's a natural process, as painful as those thoughts are, they are only trying work out what the hell went wrong and grow from it. I just talking about practical day to day stuff in rebuilding your life and former interests.

[LTS48]

He broke up with you, that makes it his job to reach out. If you show him that he can treat you that way then he has no reason to treat you otherwise. You say he likes to assume the worst? That's a pattern that might shed some light on the subject of your future together. He thought you did not like him when you started dating, and obviously it led to a yearlong relationship. What changed over the course of your time together that might have made him feel too comfortable? Did you make him the focus of your life? Did you make things too easy? Your goal for healing (and staying in NC) is to become 100% self-sufficient again. If you have made serious change to yourself then more than likely you will find that you would rather keep slogging through the pain you're in right now than subject yourself to the downgraded role of "friend."

 

Stay strong. It isn't about him. It really is about you.

[catfeeder]

You write:

His rebound is over, but I don't know if he still wants me or even wants to talk to me.

 

He knows how to reach you if he ever wants to talk. I understand it's hard, but now that he's done with the girl who distracted him, he'll need to pipe down and start processing his past before he's likely to feel any inclination toward you. If you try to break in before then, you're only more likely to agitate him than prompt any sentimentality. Bad strategy. I'd leave him be.

[lizisatanner]

I just feel as though I left him without any closer and to make it worse some of my friends have kind of snobbed him in person. I DID NOT ASK THEM TO DO SO! They just did it on their own just because of what he did to me and how he made me feel. I don't even know why my two friends did that, I would have never have done to him despite how I was feeling. I guess you guys are right, I should focus on myself and what not. Thank you guys for the support and encouraging words. Other forums and sites have very rude users....

 

I guess I'll let him be for now...I'm just afraid of letting go of our friendship and what not. It just makes me feel liike going out with him was a waste of time now if we aren't even going to be on speaking terms. I just get all this false hope from other forums where people have reunited despite their being another person...or something...I don't know.

[lizisatanner]

closure* I mean.