wondering what went wrong....

[Cagedfeelings]

I'm sitting here, trying not to cry in the library and wondering what went wrong, wondering if I made a mistake, wondering of counseling would have helped with the issues. I'm still recovering from the break up. We were thinking of reconciling and trying so hard to patch things up but couldn't get past our angry issues. I was thinking, what's the point of telling someone your needs and wants from them when all they do is ignore you? What was it that made the last straw break?! What could have I done differently? Why couldn't he have done something about it when he had all the chances?!

 

I kept thinking, someone who cared enough would have gave it their all to make things work. Maybe I was just to blind to see the subtle hints of him trying?! I'm stupid hopeless romantic. He told me today that: "It's fine. Everything you've done has made me give up. Every time I tell you I love you, you would tell me you hate me."

 

I know it was foolish on my part to say those words, yet, I didn't mean them at the time. I was just so angry and scared to say what I really meant because his lack of actions and his silence kept making me second guess what to do and if it was worth it. If he hadn't been so silent, I would have been more honest about how much in pain I'm in and how I really wanted things to work. That was my stupid mistake.

 

Every time I tried to tell him something it would always result in an angry argument because I felt like he was never listening and acknowledgeing how I fet and I felt like I had to repeat myself several times and in different ways, but no matter how hard I tried, it would fall on deaf ears...*sigh*

 

I cried my eyes out to a friend and she basically told me that she didn't like him and that I deserve better because of XYZ examples....and today when I went to a friend's kid's birthday party, it made me think, this is what I will be regretting and missing out on...is the marriage and family etc I wanted with this man but he told me he no longer wants to work things through and I only have myself to blame for this.

 

I know it's pointless to dwell on the past, but do any of you ever feel regret like if you tried hard enough, it would have worked out instead of walking away for good? I know you're going to say in time, when I heal, I won't feel any regret, but that seems so far away.

[Snuggly]

We all totally go through the self blame stage. I spent literally 100's of hours, thinking over old converations and situations trying to work out how I could have changed the outcome. Its something most of us do, but eventually have to stop. That doesn't mean its pointless. I learned a lot about myself and my part in the breakup by being brutally honest with myself. And I think I have emerged as a better person. Stronger, more insightful, more empathetic. I think when I fall in love again I will be a better partner. I hope so. Learn what you can, then MOVE ON. Stope the self blame and self recriminations at some point. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. You're a good person

[mannaguy]

I felt like I had to repeat myself several times and in different ways, but no matter how hard I tried, it would fall on deaf ears...*sigh*

 

Same here! When you are dealing with the wall of anger whether it be justified

or not it is almost impossible to get through to the other person.I think it is at that point

you have to realize it is 'their' anger and 'theirs' to hang on to or move forward.

 

Certainly a skilled mediator/councilor may be able to cut through the anger to the deeper issues of hurt and abandonment.

 

In my case I had arranged counseling at one point, but then broke it off before we went.

We then got back together and tried again and had intended to go,but then she broke it off.

 

I suspect that she never wanted to go in the first place for fear of having to face her part of the equation.But I am not 100% sure.

 

I just know in the face of her anger I have to do some letting go and if she can make a shift then I will try.If not I let go.

 

M

[mynameishope]

today when I went to a friend's kid's birthday party, it made me think, this is what I will be regretting and missing out on...is the marriage and family etc I wanted with this man but he told me he no longer wants to work things through and I only have myself to blame for this.

 

Don't be silly, you won't miss out on anything! Marriage and family will come in time With a wonderful man. Take what you've learned and use to better yourself.

 

It's completely natural to analyze what went wrong and what we could have done differently, so that next time we WILL act differently.

[motleylou]

I'm not sure how old you are, but if you're like me and in your middle or early 20's then I would consider trying to take things casually until your a little older. I just came out of the same type situation I was willing to work through anything with her and sacrificed a lot. She for whatever reason didn't want to, and I think most of it had to do with her being 22 and getting scared of fully committing. We moved in together and planed on starting a life, 4 weeks into us living together she cheated on me. After lots of reading and self reflection I believe she cheated to escape, it's wasn't that she cheated bc something was lacking in the relationship. She got scared of getting to close and couldn't just breakup with me so she cheated.

 

Anyway like you I spent countless hours trying to figure things out to that exact time when everything went wrong and I couldn't find it. Sometimes there's no logic or reason behind why someone breaks up and doesn't want to work on things. Maybe timing wasn't right or they just aren't as serious as you were. That's the harsh realization that I finally came too. She just wasn't as into it as I was, and as much as it hurts I just have to accept it. She told me so many BS reasons for the breakup all of which I could see through.

 

My advice would be to just take it easy on yourself, these things happen for a reason. I'm not that religious or spiritual, but it does help me to just say "Everything happens for a reason and one day that will be clear." It's easier said than done to just stop over analyzing but I strongly suggest really just laying back and saying it wasn't meant to be, and I'm not fully to blame. Learn what you can from it and then try your best to move on, one day things will be clear why you 2 aren't together anymore.

[Cagedfeelings]

Well here's the update:

 

I feel so crushed.. completely crushed....I feel like I've been used and made a fool of...

I'm hurting so bad I wonder what I did to deserve this....Is it a sin to not be ready for Mr. Right?

Must I be stuck with a bunch of douchebags for not being ready for him????!

 

I made the biggest mistake of getting together the ex for dinner just to see him one last time

before I go off on my retreat to the monastery...and we had sex. I asked if he was seeing anyone

and if he was interested in anyone and he said no. However, the next day I heard through the

grape vine that he's been talking to this woman and he went out on a date with her on the same

day he had dinner with me and had sex with me and told me he loves me and wants to work things through!

He even bought her flowers and he has never gotten me any! What did I do to deserve this pain?

I feel as though the older I get, the harder it is to endure this pain. I know it's wrong to play

the victim but that is how I feel right now...It makes me want to avoid being in romantic relationships

altogether even more now.

 

The hardest lesson from this is NEVER TRUST YOUR HEART AND MIND. TRUST YOUR GUT

and my gut was right that he was seeing somone else and I kept ignoring it and now I get

hurt for it... I want someone to cry to.

[Ms Darcy]

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