So is there a chance for us?

[why do we]

Really am not sure what happened but I am hurting so need to vent.

 

We know each other for about 10 years. He was married when we met so obviously it couldn't work out between us then, I moved on and met and fell in love with someone else. When it happened he finally did get a divorce and proposed to me but it all happened too late and I was infatuated with another man anyway, so said no.

 

He continued contacting me (at times actually pursuing, guess he didn't take rejection that well...) we met up for friendly dinners maybe once or twice a year and that was it. Then I din't speak to him at all in 2010 - I had my nervous breakdown, was forced to end my relationship with the other guy and was getting over him for a long time so couldn't look at men anyway )

 

Just before Christmas we started talking again, he intitiated that and we were just texting back and forth for a few months util he suggested that we meet up. Now I always liked him (except for when he broke my heart years ago) so thought it would actually be nice to catch up, spend some time together, do things see if there is still spark, and take it from there.

 

Well spark was definitely there and much bigger than I could possibly have anticipated. What he didn't tell me about though was that he had a girflriend now who recently moved in with him. Because he was acting a bit strange (like we've been in touch for months and I still hadn't been to his place whereas before it was never a problem) I tried to hold back, I tried to ask him why and what was going on but never got an answer to my suspicions. We never had sex because of that during those months, that was all until beginning of June I think

 

Then suddenly all changed and he actually suggesting he cooks dinner at his, I can come around anytime etc, really big and noticeable change in attitude. And we meet and end up at his and is wonderful, all I ever wanted and didn't realise I missed so much. I was so happy until the next day in the bathroom I saw a makeup remover on the shelf.

 

Mind you even at that point I thought I must be his but how strange if he would use it! I really din't want to snoop but still at another moment I opened the wardrobe (totally sure I woulndn't see anything I wouldn't want to see but something made me do it) and found that it was full of women's clothing and there even was her passport along with a lot of other stuff.

 

He had gone to work in the morning, and let me sleep in, that's why he wasn't there then. Now I had no idea how much it would hurt me, he was so nice to me lately, he did say he still loved me and missed me (i believed him simply because of the way he was behaving, he was (seemed?) very sincere, we had lots of plans) and I was so happy, it felt so good!

 

I called him and asked how he could do that to me and what was going on, he was nervous but insisted that he's not in the relationship, that is over and the stuff simply hasn't been moved out yet. He insisted that it was over and we were going to meet up very soon anyway.

Ok, I believed him. Until a couple days later I sent him a text that I was thinking of him something like that and he never responded!

 

I was feeling very low and upset after that, but didn't pursue; in a couple of weeks I sent him an email about something we discussed (my legal situation he promised to advice and help me with) without mentioning anything about us, and he wrote back to me at length referring to me as Dear W. and x 's at the end of emails.

 

So I still didn't know what was going on. 3 weeks after that night when I was at his , he starts calling late. He was quite drunk but still coherent and logical so on the phone he insisted how much he loved me, that I am the only one etc and how he was thinking of me all the time.

 

Probably a bad idea but I wanted to talk to him so went to meet him then. For several hours we were talking. He was telling me how crazy he was for me, how he thinks of me when he wakes and goes to bed and at all other times, he was telling me how much he loved me and he wanted to be with me, live with me, do things with me and do things for me, that we should get a place together where I wanted, even suggested I bring my stuff and how to make room for me at his current apartment.

 

It's all madness, I know, but I do believe he has feelings for me. Ok, I may have been wrong in the past, and he was wrong at times as well, so I was emotional when we talked about past, but the thing is he genuinely seemed to be interested in our future.

 

I asked him why he didn't speak to me and first he said he had, but then said he was frightened and anyway 3 weeks is nothing compared to 10 years of our story. He also said he was having a bit of a rough time but wouldn't admit why.

 

Alright in the morning he still continued in the same vein, about future plans as well! He looked at me with love, he stroked my hair, he wanted to see me soon. He asked me to write him a letter or at least something nice that day and said he really wanted that! When I said that it takes a very brave person to contact him at all he said no it's not going to be like that at all anymore. Insisted on that several times in fact.

 

Now for the bad stuff. The stuff in the wardrobe still there and it's been more that a months, when I asked him about that he brushed me off. But that all would be OK if after all this he actually kept in touch.

 

But he hasn't. I sent him a text a few days after asking what he was doing on sunday if if we could go somewhere. After some silence I texted "is that a no then?" and he texted back without actually answering any of my questions and that was that.

 

2 weeks on I am feeling lower than I thought I was capable of.

 

I begin to think the worst, that he lied to me, his relationship wasn't over, who know, maybe she was just away for a few days etc or maybe they get back together after each time I see him! Who knows! But just the whole thing, his behavior doesn't make sense.

 

I could understand if he wanted to string me along if in indecison, but it doesn't look like he wants that. So now I go crazy thinking that he doesn't even want to use me for sex, when he easily could! (i know this is ridiculous to be upset about that, but I don't know what to think!)

 

Could anyone who managed to read this offer some perspective, please? I'm really really hurting he doesn't talk to me.

 

Should I get in touch or just keep nc however hard it is? I have to sit on my hands for more than 2 weeks now not to call him

 

Thanks

[faith44]

I am going through a similar situation, and my advice would be to cut all contact with him. If possible block his number, and I can guarantee you will feel a huge relief if nothing else. He obviously enjoys a challenge and now you are more available to him the chase is not as fun. He sounds toxic! xxxx

[why do we]

I am going through a similar situation, and my advice would be to cut all contact with him. If possible block his number, and I can guarantee you will feel a huge relief if nothing else. He obviously enjoys a challenge and now you are more available to him the chase is not as fun. He sounds toxic! xxxx

 

I think I would feel relief if I knew what's going on, whatever it is. I can't move on when left hanging!

Is your situation really that similar and did it last a long time? You think in your case there's no hope he will come around?

[BONO]

I think I would feel relief if I knew what's going on, whatever it is. I can't move on when left hanging!

Is your situation really that similar and did it last a long time? You think in your case there's no hope he will come around?

 

Do you think you will get the real answer if you ask " I feel i need to know what is going on ? "

 

Even if you did, which you wont probably because he does not know himself or cant find it in himself to tell you ( not a bad thing btw ) would it suddenly change things ? No.

 

It is impossible to apply logic to emotion. Emotions come from feelings and not from logic.

 

 

This is what I suggest. What you are feeling is a loss of power to control a situation that you thought was there. What I mean by this is you have no control on this decision. Its the same as being fired without the emotional bit.

 

This said, thats the rub !! What you have now in your favor is wonderful. Think about it ! Turn the tables as soon as you can.

 

Agree with the his decision as soon as possible then give him the best gift in the world - the gift of missing you by remaining silent . Remove him from Facebook asap if he asks why tell him its because you are letting him go with love and are moving on with love. ( 4 clicks it takes to re add later )

 

No begging no sms no drunk calls no smoke signals. You no longer exist, in his mind.

 

You have to tell him that although you disagree with his decision you will respect it.

 

He has to respect your decision to have no contact and let you move on. He has already said he does not want to be with you, so give him that and watch the emotion creep up inside him killing his logic.

 

At this point it seems rubbish to focus on this. But remember, turn the tables - people always want the things they cant have !!

 

FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT

 

Make sense ?

 

Its the best plan and works !!!

[ngu11]

Bono...I'm proud of you my friend!

[why do we]

He has already said he does not want to be with you, so give him that and watch the emotion creep up inside him killing his logic.

 

 

 

Its the best plan and works !!!

 

Yes that's a good point about being powerless in a situation like that, it's just he never ever said he didn't want to be with me, he always says the opposite and that's what's driving me crazy!

There would be no question if he said that, I would respect that. I am very upset he cannot communicate with me.

 

I don't know, maybe I shoud ask him directly and if there's no definitive answer take that as rejection and go no contact forever, maybe it would be easier for me...

[BONO]

Never ever take the words as fact. Remember actions speak louder than words.

 

No contact for now. Dont let your emotions run. " no contact forever " - too emotional.

[why do we]

Thanks, you are right, it's absolutely unbearable at times but I shoudn't reach out to him.

If I go by my gut feeling he will anyway. Will post updates.

[BONO]

The minute you feel that you need to contact him - post here instead.

[why do we]

Having a really tough night. All I want to know is was he honest with me or he lied that that relationship was over.

At least I would know if if I should abandon all hopes. This silence is so hard, if we kept even casually in touch I guess there would be some clues.

 

I guess if asking that question is not an option, going to spy on his house is not really an option too (probably wouldn't find out anything at this hour anyway), all I can do is ask here, somebody please just shoot me.