she told me she wants to die young

[3fuegos3]

I've been in regular contact with an old friend, whom I hadn't seen since she was a girl. Now, she's a woman, and a gorgeous one, more than most film stars in my opinion. She's also very successful.

 

She and I were talking about each other's personal lives, and she told me when I'd known her before, she was invisible to people. When she got to be a teenager though, she had to fight people off with a stick. You know, the classic "ugly duckling" story. She resented this, and didn't really date until university, but none of that worked out.

 

She told me she's afraid of being abandoned, and that if her looks fade, then that'll be it. She told me a man tried to pick her up the other day, and that with each new thing he learned about her, he seemed to get more and more intimidated. He didn't even ask her phone number in the end. As another example, when she's tried online dating, the administrators have harassed her. She says these are common stories for her as well, and that if people can't accept her for who she is, then what chance would she have in the future if they don't find her physically attractive to begin with?

 

She told me she's not going to settle for someone, and she doesn't believe in millions worth of plastic surgery, so she hopes to die young. I was very sad to hear her talk this way, and I wish I'd known what to say.

[TakingtheBlame]

I can't tell if she's dangerously insecure and obsessed with physical appearance, or if she's just a drama queen looking for some attention. I don't think there's anything you can say to make her feel better, either way...she has a really unhealthy view of herself and society and I'd tentatively guess she needs professional help.

[Cadence44]

a drama queen looking for some attention.

 

This is my impression. I wouldn't try to sympathize with her or solve her problems, because I think she's the greatest contributor to things that upset her. I think she's got a case of the crazies and OP is blind to it because... well, he's a guy. No offense intended, but guys aren't the best at recognizing the presence of the crazies, especially when they are attached to an attractive woman who is confiding in him and making him feel good for being there for her.

 

A guy talks to her and then doesn't ask for her number? Maybe he wasn't trying to pick her up, or maybe he was interested but her personality and conversational skills leave much to be desired. Maybe she started in on the "woe is me" stuff and he wisely changed his mind. Whatever happened, it's certainly not the end of the world. And I'm not buying online dating site administrators harassing her. She's either making that up entirely, using some sort of local low-budget dating site, or has behaved in ways where she was reported to the admins and is mistaking their contact for interest in her.

 

I think she's placing way too much importance on her looks and ignoring other factors about herself that she could focus on. That's highly hypocritical of her, since that's what she basically accuses the world of doing to her. I think the best things she could do for herself are to stop making herself a victim, stop placing so much importance on her looks and go volunteer somewhere where she can see that some people have it so much worse than her and still manage to do their part to make the world a better place.

[thejigsup]

Many men think with the wrong head, just like women think more with their heart instead of their head. She sounds a bit off, but lots of people are. Personally, I think she's looking for validation for her looks. I would tell her to look elsewhere.

[3fuegos3]

Alright, here's what we have so far:

 

OBSERVATION An old friend of mine, a woman, who says she feels depressed, from the pressure of a society that expects her to look good, and the feeling that she's not accepted for who she is otherwise.

 

CONCLUSION drama queen, crazy, liar, hypocrite

 

Somehow, I feel like your minds are made up about her, so I won't try and convince you otherwise. She actually called me earlier though, to thank me, and to tell me she's taken matters into her own hands. She made an appointment with a therapist, which actually falls the day after this monthly domestic abuse function she attends, you know, to help make the world a better place and all. I've always liked that about her, how rather than feeling sorry for herself for too long, she takes initiative. Maybe I'm just a blind guy who can't think straight when a woman's near him, but with so few people in my own life that take initiative, I can be inspired by her.

[3fuegos3]

Many men think with the wrong head, just like women think more with their heart instead of their head. She sounds a bit off, but lots of people are. Personally, I think she's looking for validation for her looks. I would tell her to look elsewhere.

 

She's used to validation for her looks. She seems to want to be able to trust that a man will validate her for more than her looks as well.

[TakingtheBlame]

For what it's worth, I certainly never said she was crazy, but anyone who goes around saying she wants to die young because she feels that only her looks validate her has issues, or is being way too dramatic...especially based on the examples you gave. I really don't see what other conclusion you could come to (though I'd be interested to hear one because I'm stumped.) I mean...I consider myself pretty attractive, and when a guy doesn't get my number or dates me briefly and loses interest, my reaction certainly isn't "O woe is me, I am only validated by my looks, I hope I die young!" It's more like "OK, maybe he already has a girlfriend and was being friendly" or "Maybe he's more attracted to taller and/or darker and/or skinnier women and I'm just not his physical type" or "Maybe he just doesn't click with my sense of humor." And even if, for some weird reason, no man would ever want her for anything more than her looks, is that really a reason to want to die? Her logic is seriously flawed. You even said she is seeing a therapist now, so that just reinforces the issues theory.

 

I wasn't trying to judge. Just stating my opinion. If she thinks she needs a therapist to sort this out (and I think she's absolutely right to get one) there was nothing you could have said to make her feel better. For some reason, her logic is flawed.

[lavenderdove]

>>who says she feels depressed

 

Perhaps she is just depressed or has body image issues. Depression is not respecter of looks or anything else, and when it strikes, no matter what you've got going for you or what good things are in your life, everything looks black and gloomy and impossible and hopeless. So if anyone for any reason told me they wanted to die young, i would encourage them to seek counseling to delve into why they don't see the good things in life and its positive potential rather than only the bad things and its negative potential.

 

It is clear that she is seeing everything through a distorted and blackened lens, because first she says some guy didn't ask her out because she was too beautfiul, then in the next breath she says guys won't leave her alone because she's too beautiful... which is it? Everyone has some people interested and some people rejecting them, so what she is experiencing is basically normal, but she is seeing it thru a negative filter as meaning far more than it does or associated strictly with her looks... (and in a negative way).

 

She has totally lost perspective too (is too impressed with the impact of her own looks) because the world is full of people who continue to be happy and love one another regardless of their looks or their ages. They are too happy living their lives to care about wrinkles or focus on their looks when aging.

 

The average person just doesn't get plastic surgery, and couples are perfectly happy without it. She's too influenced by media hype if she thinks her only value is her looks and that all women must have plastic surgery as they age or they won't be happy or loved. She has some serious body image issues and possibly undiagnosed depression and i would try to give her some perspective and try to get her ot see a counselor to get evaluated for depression.

[3fuegos3]

For what it's worth, I certainly never said she was crazy...I wasn't trying to judge. Just stating my opinion. If she thinks she needs a therapist to sort this out (and I think she's absolutely right to get one) there was nothing you could have said to make her feel better. For some reason, her logic is flawed.

 

Yes, that's certainly worth something, thanks.

 

I know when I'm depressed, nothing anyone can say will calm me down either. She grew up with a lot of messages that basically said, "Do this, or face abandonment," and those messages still come back to bite. In this case, "Look good, or face abandonment." That's why I felt sad to hear her tell me these things, in private, by the way, as I've known drama queens, a relative, for example, who announced she was infertile, followed by a "woe is me" story, in front of a group of people, and my friend doesn't come close to acting that way.

 

I'm glad you can see her logic is flawed, and that seeing someone professionally may help her see sort that out.

[3fuegos3]

I agree, suffering from depression myself, that it's not something you can just shake, and it shakes your objectivity. That's what I saw in her, though I wanted to be more of a sounding board for her that night than play psychologist. I'm glad she seemed to see that in herself because you're right, things seemed very black and white for her.

 

I believe you're right about body image as well, as per messages she got when she was a young girl, particularly from men in her life. Unfortunately, I wasn't there at the time, and I don't exactly know what she went through. Part of me is sad that when we'd parted ways as kids, all those years ago, I didn't get to be there to maybe help her out.

 

PS: Just to clarify, I wrote that she doesn't want to get millions in plastic surgery. She doesn't believe in it.

[Melodi]

I think I can relate to her in a few ways. I'm always bullied and told I'm ugly when I'm small. So, when I'm older, even though I been told I look pretty, I just don't buy it. So we have low self esteem, and doesn't believe in love. When I try to go out with boys, they also think I'm a bit weird. Which throw my little self esteem out the window. It's kinda hard not to be depress and have suicidal thoughts.

 

And to people who says she's a liar about the admin's story. Where have you guys been? Girls get harass everywhere, especially by older men. Internet is the most common place of them all.

 

People might think her behavior is attention seeking, but attention seeking is the first sign that the person wants help! She wants you to help her and get her to be better. The worst behavior is acting like normal person or shutting themselves up -- those are dangerous suicidal behavior. I suggest op just talk to her about entertainment, and invite her to watch movie. All she needs is just normal social event to cheer her up. Don't ignore her or talk to her like she a mental person, and she'll get better in no time.

[3fuegos3]

You seem to empathize with her rather well. I appreciate that, and I agree that she could stand to focus on something more positive (at least outside of therapy) to cheer her up, whether with me or someone else she trusts.

 

I didn't pry into her online experience, but I think she got a lot of obscene messages, and while the administrators responded to her, they didn't seem to care. Maybe that's not direct harassment, but it's abetting it, and she expected more for her money. Not many of us pay to feel upset.

 

Anyway, like you said, if someone ignores you half your life, then pays a lot of attention to you the next half, I imagine it's tough to judge how sincere people are, right? Though she didn't use the word "weird," in terms of going out with men, she said she gets the impression that their interest is often only skin-deep. She likes being thought of as beautiful, I like being thought of as can-do, but she's like the rest of us, wants to be accepted for who she is.

 

You're young, and for your own sake, I'm glad you have this sort of insight.

[katycloud]

This girl definitely has issues. Even if she is trying to seek attention and be a drama queen like others have suggested, she must have some kind of self-esteem issues to act in this way. If I were a good friend of hers I would tell her as it is - that she is being ridiculous and that 'looks fading' is a kinda shallow thing to think about in life. It's not all about what you look like. She needs to find somebody who loves her, not her appearance, and she will. And she needs to address whatever self-image and abandonment issues she has.

[3fuegos3]

...find somebody who loves her, not her appearance, and she will.

 

I think she'd be glad to hear that vote of confidence, thank you.