tiffany90 Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 So this is my first time posting in a forum of such nature, so i'm just gunna be really blunt about my feelings. I'm a 21 year old female and i was in a 3 year relationship. Not only was he my first love, he was my first for everything, including taking my virginity. Although i've been in other relationships, none have ever been as serious as this one, we were even engaged. Things happened and we broke up in November 2010. He's moved on and i have not. It feels like i've moved on sometimes, but other times i find myself thinking about him and what could've been, should've been. I feel as if i never really got the closure i needed because right after we broke up, he started dating someone else and they moved in together. After breaking up with me he cut all ties, and does not speak to me AT ALL. The only explanation I have ever received him consisted of him saying that he started dating someone new because that was the only way he could move on. He also said that he cant talk to me because it bothers him and his girlfriend wouldn't be too fond of it. Needless to say, he completely broke my heart. I feel as though he is trying to erase me by shutting me out completely, and it makes me question if anything was ever real. I feel like he still has feelings for me and he hates himself because of it, so he rather not speak to me as a way to forget. Its definitely a hurtful feeling to know that the only person i have ever loved and cared for, could simply erase me like i was nothing and never existed. It has been almost 9 months, and while it doesn't hurt as bad as it used to, seeing as how im used to the feeling now of him not being around it still hurts . He has " moved on " and i would love to be able to do the same. I feel like this relationship has destroyed me for all future endeavors and i just want to feel normal again. I feel like the only way i can truly move on is with the proper closure, i need answers that hes simply not willing to give. What can i do to completely move on ? Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Its always harder when your the one that is dumped, particularly if you still wanted to work on the relationship. Ultimately the 'dumper' is the one who has decided their life is better without you, so they've gone and 'moved on' to improve it. Its really difficult for the dumpee who is left feeling that they don't have to move on because they want to, they have to 'move on' because they have no other choice but to do so. You have kind of answered your own question in saying that its getting easier. It will continue to get easier over time. Have you been on any other dates? or had any interest in anyone after that point? I don't know the back story of your relationship, but the fact that he doesn't contact you is sometimes a good thing. While it does hurt and it makes you think "what did I even mean to him" it actually helps in many ways because it does allow you to heal. Once again without knowing your story its hard for me to tell, but obviously since you havn't seen him for a long long time its very easy to make him the hero in your head that he may not have been. I know I sometimes do it with my ex. Just remember, while they had positive aspects they also had faults, one of those faults being not caring about you enough to stay with you and work things out. Everyones first long relationship is a learning experience, but its important to see it as that, a learning experience. The first car you buy in life is rarely the one you keep nor the one that is perfect for you. He may not be in your life at this point in time, but just remember that you have grown and you are now far stronger and smarter than you were before you met him. You know how to make a relationship work and you know what traits to look for in the males in your life. Its very easy to dwell on the past, but when you get over it is the point you take a positive proactive step to say "its time for me to move on" and you look at life through a colourful lense, not a dark one. Your a young nice girl and if you had a relationship for 3 years are obviously dateable, see the positives in your world and go out there and live a happy life. Peace =) Link to comment
hockeydfndr14 Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 tell yourself "(f) * * * * him". You don't need this anymore, honestly. If he doesn't want to be with you then you should feel the same. I had an ex break up with me(I'm a dude) and ya it hurt but everyday it got better. She was my first girlfriend and I loved her as well. If she doesn't want to be with me then I'll go find something better when I feel the time is right. You should be doing the same. As one person I was havinga beer at a bar said "There are 6 and a half billion people in this world, there is someone out there for you." After trying to get back together with my ex and she shut me down, I cut off all contact as well. It is what guys do. We do not want to be friends or even acquaintances with our exes usually. The one day that you are completely over this is the day you will realize that you acted all wrong about the breakup. Pick up a couple of hobbies that you like and pursue greatness in them; it will take your mind off of this. This probably sounds harsh but its the truth. You will get over him, I guarantee it Link to comment
tiffany90 Posted July 30, 2011 Author Share Posted July 30, 2011 Thanks for your fedback i definitely appreciate it. Yes, i have been on other dates but i dont find myself too interested in other people. Dont get me wrong i WANT to be interested in other people, desperately but its just not there. Although its been easier, at times i find myself reverting back into my old feelings and checking up on him via social networks to see how hes doing. I know i probably sound crazy and i feel crazy as well, whenever i think i might be over him, i get a slap in the face that makes me realize im not. You're right about me making him into the hero he never was, i often find myself taking all the blame, and thinking about what i couldve done differently. I try to stay positive as much as i can but its hard. Im starting to feel like maybe i am undateable, especially because i dont have too much experience. i feel like everyone is able to move on but me and its tearing me up inside. It just feels unfair that the people who hurt me can enjoy life and i cant . I feel like everyone else is growing and im stuck in a rut. But then again i ask myself, am i bringing these feelings upon myself ? ... and just to give a little history we dated in high school and then i switched to another school. He ( my ex ) was at the same scholol i switched to ( we didnt plan it ) and we clicked because we were all each other had in a new school and after that we stayed together for 3 years. It felt like it was meant to be, he even asked me to marry him at one point, he was sick and i visited him everyday in the hospital eventually he cheated on me and i did the same and he couldn't forgive me .. i just don't understand how one can forget about all these things ? I hate feeling like im being ignored and erased. Link to comment
tiffany90 Posted July 30, 2011 Author Share Posted July 30, 2011 @hockeydfndr14 youre 100 % right and i tell myself all those things daily, but then i find myself reverting back to my old feelings. I feel like this whole situation is like a cancer festering inside of me that i just keep pushing down because i cant deal with it. This makes me feel weak and hate it. Especially when he doesn't care not one bit. Link to comment
tiffany90 Posted July 30, 2011 Author Share Posted July 30, 2011 AND ! he keeps in contact with all his other exes, besides me, makes me feel like i have leprecy or something -_- Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 This isn't a direct reply to your situation but I am not ignoring you. Just think about this metaphor. When cars have head on collisions on two way roads people always say its for one reason, because the driver looks at the car coming towards them not the road ahead. When you look at the car going in the other direction your brain subconsciously guides you towards that, when you should be looking at the road infront of you. Its an odd comparison, but to me whats what getting over a breakup is. The people who say they can't are often the ones looking into the oncoming headlights, they are fixated on the fact they can't do it. The ones who you say 'get over it very easily' are the ones looking at the road ahead of them. They steer clear of the uncoming car because they are focused on getting better and moving forward (the road ahead). Now I can tell you, it really is that simple. You can focus on the past, dwell, beat yourself up about it, long for your partner back and say what you did or didn't do right. Yes you both done the wrong thing in that relationship, but its done. Its over. You really don't want a relationship back were there has been cheating, the trust is all well and truly gone. So what should you do? Focus on the road ahead. Tell yourself "I can do this", because based on the story above you sound like a very loving and caring person. Dare I say it its only been 9 months, they say it takes 50% of the relationship length to ever truly be over it. So give yourself time, but be positive, because you can do this. Link to comment
tiffany90 Posted July 30, 2011 Author Share Posted July 30, 2011 thank you so much for your kind words ! You've given me some great advice that i will definitely use Link to comment
LP90 Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Definitely agree with Mtom, i too was in a relationship that was a lot like yours Tiffany. Together 2 years with my first love, first everything really. Long story short, she lied, cheated, strung me along for months, used me and so on. Broke up on our 2 year anniversary too. The point is, since the day we broke up, i havent cried, havent felt regret or anything but focused on moving on from this. Since the BU my ex has tried contacting me at least 10 times, begging, pleading, crying, trying to find out what ive been doing through friends and my family etc. I have remained full NC and havent replied once to her. Her cheating and being such a cumpulsive liar only gave me more motivation to move on and faster because i realized how disrespectful and low she really was. From the begging though, we aslo had plans for the future, thought she was the one, never loved anyone like her, etc and she told me all the same even after she cheated and i found out, yet still still cheated and lied and still continues to. Its been about 2 months since my BU and altough im not 100% over her, i feel like im very close to it. It really is accepting what the person did to you and that there cant be a future with them because that is not how you will let yourself be treated again. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it btw. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Its over. You really don't want a relationship back were there has been cheating, the trust is all well and truly gone. So what should you do? Focus on the road ahead. I agree with Tom, especially on this point. I think the NC is a gift to you. And I think in order to heal you have to reframe your thinking. Instead of thinking he didn't give you closure, realize that closure comes from within you. Instead of checking up on him online, get into new hobbies and activities that you enjoy. Instead of thinking you are destroyed feel empowered as you look for new relationships. Good luck. Link to comment
Wildflower88 Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Well first, let me tell you that you have come to the right place. This forum has helped to heal many a' broken heart! He may have started dating another girl to move on, but the harsh reallity is that he is taking steps to move forward and you have to to..thats not the answer you want to hear I know, I know I know..but its the truth... you have to be honest with yourself. Its time for you to figure out where you want to go from here... Do you want to just sit there and wait for him? Hell no.. you will make it over this and over this guy... he is just the first of a long line of guys you will meet in this life honey! Chin up. It doesnt happen over night but you will see girl you will see =) Link to comment
mark4 Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 awh - you sound really nice so just thought I'd drop a message to say i'm in in a similar boat to you ... it does get better though you just have to make it through and it will all come good for you. Get some new hobbies on the go and stuff, I play golf now... I didnt do that before my ex left ... I'm rubbish, but I'm getting better haha ... do stuff to take your mind off this it really helps... aside from that you really just have to ride it out and allow time to pass. this is your life, you only have one so enjoy it... don't get caught up for too long on missing someone that has left. focus on the people who are there for you, not the one who isnt. you should watch this someone posted it the other day and it makes me laugh and also theres some good advice there too! anyway, hope your okay and enjoying your weekend! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.