The latest source of anxiety

[NowandZen]

My youngest is entering her last year of HS, and as much as I hate to admit it, we have no savings for college. Not to worry, based on what I looked up 5 years ago, we could pay out of current earnings, and perhaps she would have some academic scholarships.

 

Well, her dream school is $25K per year, and I just can't afford it. Well, I could if I became a monk I guess, but I suppose I am not willing to do so. Her grades are top notch, but her test scores, while good, are not really merit scholarship material.

 

She understands that I can pay only so much, but she doesn't seem to have a whole lot of interest in looking for her best school option for the dollar.

 

My question is, how much of this should I do for her, and how much should I let her do on her own?

 

I have some cognitive dissonance over being here, and I want to *fix* it (typical male response)

[hers]

Hi friend! Glad you're back on here

 

what is her reason for going to this dream school? Is it for an academic program they have, or is it the location, or is it soemthing else that attracts her to it? Is she planning to live in dorms (which rack u p money) or get her own place or stay home (depending on where it is)? Is she opposed to working while in college?

[avman]

One of the most important lessons to teach your children is you can't always have what you want. If you simply can't afford that school then you can't afford it. It's pretty straightforward.

 

I would talk to your youngest about her options and lay them on the line:

 

1. You can afford $x so she picks a school the fits the budget
   
2. She can work and/or take out loans to make up the difference to go to the school she wants
   

You shouldn't make the choice for her. You did your part (setting what you can contribute). Now she must be an adult and start making adult type decisions about her own life.

[Firiel]

I agree with avman. You are helping her significantly with her schooling, and that's awesome. As long as she knows specifically how much you can afford, let her make her own decision. And if she decides to go the school loans route, it's not going to kill her. I went to a very expensive private school, so I know people who came out of it with $100k in debt . It sounds crazy to me, but you know what? They're doing fine. They're making it, and they are thrilled with the education they got.

[Seraphim]

One of the most important lessons to teach your children is you can't always have what you want. If you simply can't afford that school then you can't afford it. It's pretty straightforward.

 

I would talk to your youngest about her options and lay them on the line:

 

1. You can afford $x so she picks a school the fits the budget
   
2. She can work and/or take out loans to make up the difference to go to the school she wants
   

You shouldn't make the choice for her. You did your part (setting what you can contribute). Now she must be an adult and start making adult type decisions about her own life.

 

Yup, I agree. You won't always get what you want. Also people have to learn your parents are not always going to hand you what you want either. My parents did not contribute any money to my education AND I paid to live at home past 18. I paid back my loans for 10 years after I left school. I worked 3 jobs while in University and was still in the honours progamme and paid my mother to live at home while I went to school. A little hard work never hurt anyone. I am ok and I have a great relationship with my mother. It seems now days that everyone has parents convinced that if they do not pay for an education and a first car and house and pay for a $65,000 wedding they are horrid parents. This is not so.

[NowandZen]

Ok, so some more background. The idea of paying for all of the undergrad degree is my wife's. Long story short, she was hosed by a promise her father made and back out on. She took the whole freight for her education and so she wants to give our daughter a better deal than she had. (We did help our older daughter, but that was a whole different matter). The daughter is fairly level headed, she understands that there is a limit. She is going to try to improve her test scores, so she can fund more of the education.

 

I was ok with this when we were talking 8-10K out of pocket, but I had some sticker shock when I saw what the 1st choice school was. As far as why she wants this school, she is looking at a Professional degree afterwards, and this school is really the best choice to prep for that. (hers, imma IM you the school, so you know what I mean)

 

I agree that this is a part of growing up, learning what is realistic, which is one reason I'd like to see her go away to school (even if just as far away as your town, hers.) You have to be on your own.

 

I suppose my anxiety is this: She (daughter) does not seem to be spending a lot of time looking into alternatives. I suppose I should just lay it on the line for her: Find you a school that works or get used to Junior College. It's tough letting go. Even when you know it's for the best.

[Seraphim]

Yes, you DO have to lay it on the line for her. She HAS to be realistic. You can not get blood from a stone, know what I mean? Your wife needs to be realistic too. We ALL want to give to our child better than what we got, but can you REALLY do it? That is the other question.

[NowandZen]

Well yes we can pay for a first degree so that she gets out without debt. At least as long as we have jobs. We just can't give her exactly what she wants. I suppose to get into Prof school, she'll just have to work that much harder. And we can't pay for that school, she'll have to go into debt for that one.

[Seraphim]

Well yes we can pay for a first degree so that she gets out without debt. At least as long as we have jobs. We just can't give her exactly what she wants. I suppose to get into Prof school, she'll just have to work that much harder. And we can't pay for that school, she'll have to go into debt for that one.

 

Then tell her that. She can have her first degree funded but she is not going to the fancy school. If she wants the fancy school she is on only getting a certain amount and after that she is on the hook for the rest.

[hers]

Give her a kind ultimatum...you look for alternative schools for that degree, and we'll fund you 100%. There's no reason she can't start at a JC and then continue on to the school of her choice to sasve a bit of money, right?

[NowandZen]

Victoria and hers, you are of course, correct. I guess my issue is that if she showed a little initiative, she could have a better deal.

[NowandZen]

Also Victoria, paying to live at home seems harsh, but different strokes.

[hers]

So would she be able to live at home if she goes to teh school she wants? I don't know the distance from where you are to that school but if I remember correctly, it's a couple hour difference? I may be wrong.

 

So if she lives at home, what would your stipulations be?

If she doesn't live at home, would she have to work? Would you pay for her housing too?

[NowandZen]

The school she wants is 4 hours out, she would have to live there. We would pay for housing as well, that is part of the $25K. If she lived at home, she has one university, one college (private) and a CC to choose from. That would save about $10K per year.

 

One issue is that part of this cost would be borne by an athletic scholarship (but not at the dream school). If she gets the athletic scholarship, then can't work, but the cost would be less.

 

Dream school she would need academic scholarships to make up the gap, but she would have to improve test scores.

 

Like I said, if she works at it, she can get a sweet deal and have it wrapped up, at least until grad school.

[hers]

I would approach it in the same way that you approached college with your older daughter. If older daughter had to work/hold off on a better schoool, I'd have younger daughter do the same.

 

I don't know the details of it with your girls, but as someone who suffers sometimes from "younger child syndrome", i suspect younger daughter may eventually do some comparison..."they helped older sister with XYZ but why not me?" kind of thing or whatever the details of that may be. So be careful there too...I'm not saying it'll happen but it's a thought I just had b/c I know of the way I tend to be with my older sister.

 

Also, here's the perfect time to teach her ambition and drive...if she wants something bad enough, she needs to know it won't be handed to her and she has to do her part to work toward her goals.

[Firiel]

Did she do much studying for her standardized tests? If not, maybe she can get a review book and work hard to take a test in a few months and improve the scores enough to get an academic scholarship...

[NowandZen]

Well, older daughter thinks we favor younger. Older daughter got married, so we pay tuition only, she covers all her living expenses and we quit that when #2 starts school, cause we can't afford it. #1 will not be finished, so she's on her own.

[Seraphim]

Also Victoria, paying to live at home seems harsh, but different strokes.

 

Nah, it is not harsh. My mom just felt adults should be adults. I went to university a little older too.I was 21 or a bit older. I spent a lot of time a mess after H S working and partying up a storm. So my mom said," cool no school, then you can pay to live here." Then when I decided to go to school I still had to pay, and my last year she was a single mom and she had just broken her back and could not work. So I did not mind paying. She was far kinder than her parents were about it. When she broke up with my dad when she was 21 her parents took me in and tossed her out the door. They said, " you are an adult, suck it up. We will take your baby, but you go live your own life." and she spent 2 weeks living in a park till she found a place to live. My dad got tossed out of parent's house at 15. It was different times for sure. Don't forget I started university 24 years ago. I think now parents are way more lenient.

[thejigsup]

Your choice of school will impact the rest of your life, especially these days. People from top tier schools get hired first, no lie. If you can at all afford it, send her to the good school. $25,00 is not a whole lot of money these days. My undergrad ran $1,000 per unit, but it paid off for me.

[Ariel85]

It sounds like everyone is assuming she's going to get into the only school she wants to go to, and from what you say, she doesn't have the scores to even get in.

 

I think she's making a huge mistake putting all her eggs in one basket, and one that doesn't seem to hold a lot of promise for her.

 

I would tell her the facts - you and your wife don't have the money for the school even if she were to get in, so she better get busy looking into some more affordable and academically realistic options, or she might want to look into how she's going to support herself after HS.

[GettingBetter]

I turned down a full-scholarship (worth over $100,000) to a very prestigious school, in order to work my way through a community college and then a state university that no one's ever heard of. I have never regretted that decision, and I would make it again in a heartbeat. The lessons I learned about work ethic, the exposure I gained from being around people who hadn't everything handed to them, and the opportunities I had to excel were, in my opinion, second to none.

 

My starting salary was slightly less than that of my peers graduating from MIT. Within a year, though, I was already promoted to a position that typically takes several years to reach, and received a huge raise despite the current state of the economy. My boss said simply, "You don't work like a new graduate; you work like someone with several years of experience. I feel your salary and title should reflect that."

 

Work ethic is the bottom line, and that's something only she can develop -- not you, nor the priciest school in the world. Don't stress about getting your daughter to the best university you can. That you're so willing to help is very gracious, and more than any child should expect, in my humble opinion.

[NowandZen]

Did she do much studying for her standardized tests? If not, maybe she can get a review book and work hard to take a test in a few months and improve the scores enough to get an academic scholarship...

 

She has taken a review course, and it raised her score, good enough to get in, but not enough for a scholarship *at this school*.

 

She plans to take it again in September. Also, she could "stack" an athletic scholarship at another school.

[NowandZen]

You are correct in every aspect, however, I see her doing that for her graduate degree. No help at all from Mom and Dad on that one. We just want to get to the grad school.

[StrawberryYogurt]

So many variables. What is her major going to be? What's the school that' s going to cost 25K? Average private college or are we talking top 15 school like Stanford, Duke, Northwestern, Ivy League? What school will she have to go if you can't afford the 25K school? Why don't you have more college savings?

 

I'm biased towards a top school since I graduated from such a school and it has paid off big time.

[NowandZen]

So many variables. What is her major going to be? What's the school that' s going to cost 25K? Average private college or are we talking top 15 school like Stanford, Duke, Northwestern, Ivy League? What school will she have to go if you can't afford the 25K school? Why don't you have more college savings?

 

I'm biased towards a top school since I graduated from such a school and it has paid off big time.

 

Her major is pre-professional. I'd rather not say the school, but not a top 15. Let's just say better than average. Her alternative is a less expensive state school. I don't think the reason we have so little savings isn't material, we just don't. I do think a top school is good, but it can't happen, not without massive debt, and then how much debt for grad school?