What is the best wayto get away from my mother?

[Shylight]

I guess the title sounds harsh.

It's just how I feel.

THe history with my mother is long and complicated, however I will try to shorten it as much as I can.

 

Mom is a functional alcoholic and she gets very abusive when she is drunk. I am 23 years old and living with her while I go to community college.

My mom pays for the following:

 

-My car

-My car insurance

-My cell phone

-My health insurance

 

(I know many people are going to read this and want to comment how spoiled I am. And yes, I do agree however please bare with me and do not make this the focus of the topic. I do not plan on having it this way for much longer.)

 

I am stressed and harbor a lot of anger torwards my mother, I hate being home, and I hate being around her. I believe the best thing for me to would be to is separate from her physically (moving out) and financially, taking care of my own bills. Part of my mother's abusive nature is partially my fault, I have never stood up to my mother while she would have screaming fits at me when she was drunk, or challenged her decisions. My reason has been because I thought if I dared to stand up against her, she would stop paying for the things the I cannot pay for on my own.

I had surgery recently in which I pay 156.00 dollars a month for. This is my bill and my bill alone.

 

Here is the thing, I cannot manage to get a good enough job that can pay my bills, my rent on an apartment and my surgery bill AND still get good grades in school while going full time. (part time is not an option for me)

 

I have considered two options:

 

1.) Moving in with Dad.

Pros: Free rent, very calm and peaceful household with an atmosphere I adore, I love being at this place. Dad said he is willing to help me with a few of my bills to make it easier. Might be able to get on Dad's health insurance

 

Cons: Lots and lots of driving, he lives in a very secluded area.

The out of state tuition will eat up my college grant very very easily

will have to start job search in an area that is not high on the markets. I can get a job, which I would take any opportunity, but not in a good market It will be very difficult to get a well paying job. (when I say well paying I'm saying more than minimum wage an hour)

 

2.) Being a live-in Nanny (my career is child care)

As of now I have 2 possible live-in opportunities.

 

Pros: Stay in hometown, near friends, free rent, good job, make good money

 

Cons: Would have to pay for all my bills, the living situation is not as secure, and the situation may be more stressful. Will have to drop insurnance

 

With both these options, there is the possibility my mom will take possession of my car as it is still in her name. With either option I will either have to pay her for one of the cars we share now, or buy my own. (although with dad he may help me this one too)

I would need to budget 300$ to budget for my combined bills place my daily medications if I pay for everything ony own. Plus extra for doctors visits because I am likely to have to drop my insurance.

 

If I become a live-in, that will take out half or almost half of my entire salary (which I am willing to do)

If I go with Dad, it will get cut in half.

 

I understand it is my decision to make, but I am looking for other insights. I am very stressed trying to make the best decision.

Has anyone ever had a similar experience?

[Point5]

Since your dad is generously willing to help you than can't he help you find a room to rent in your hometown?

[Shylight]

Point I appreciate the reply! However getting my own room is not my most importance, I can get that if I be a live-in provider. My dad help but to the extend of paying 4-500 extra for a room.

[catfeeder]

Can you continue to use your Mom's physical address as your primary to apply for in-state tuition, set up a mailbox and forwarding service for your mail, and then just 'stay' with Dad as a visitor? This affords you the ability to 'try out' this option to see whether the driving becomes more of a simple pleasure than a problem.

 

I once found myself saying 'yes' to a job that I swore 'no' to the whole drive there. I figured I'd see how well the commute played out, and I'm glad I did. I've tried this in other instances that were a fail--but the point is, seeing how workable it becomes is the only way to know.

 

Also, consider attending Alanon meetings. They are all different groups that operate under one umbrella name, so if one group's approach is, say, too spiritual, the next group can be the opposite. I'd give them at least 10 visits before deciding whether they can be helpful to you. They know how to help you deal with your Mom, whether you opt to stay living with her, or not. You may be surprised how well they can support you in navigating your relationship and how to feel less guilty and less burdened.

 

I hope you'll keep this thread open and update when you can. We care.