He's angry at me for breaking off contact, even though he isn't in love?

[Hypa22]

i posted about my awful relationship 2 days ago in this thread:

 

since this my ex has made it very, very clear he is not happy that I don't want to speak to him anymore.

As I wrote in that thread, he has an extreme amount of trouble breaking things off. He gave me the silent treatment until I had to break up with HIM. When I told him not to speak to me anymore, he just stood there, crying, until I was the one who had to leave.

This person will never, ever love me. He is incapable of treating me right. I can't even figure out what the hell happened, because we were together a total of 3 months, 1 of which was him being absolutely downright psychologically abusive to me, and yet we've been breaking up/getting back together for a full year (he only wants to get together out of guilt, i'm 99% sure), he wants to be with me "all the time", and we tried, and succeeded, at being best friends for a while. Finally I woke up to what a terrible person he'd been to me and cut it off three days ago, and he was crying and incredibly nasty to me. I have a hard time believing that those aren't tears of self-pity, but again, I really cannot figure out why a person would go out of their way to be upset and angry that a person who they were abusive to doesn't want to speak to them again.

He reiterated that he would never love me, was able to leave at the drop of the hat but "preferred" to stay in touch with me, to dump me incredibly briefly (and I was terribly in love with him, which I probably should not have been after such a short time, but we'd known each other a while and i was pretty much already in love with him when we got together), and basically hurt me so bad i was unable to speak for a month and had to go on meds. I cannot fathom why this person is angry that i don't want to see him again. Was it because staying friends with him was giving him a "guilt-free pass" on his behavior? Is it because he wants attention? He was literally begging me not to go, and he has a bunch of times.

I never want to be in a relationship again, it is entirely his fault. It is strange enough having the through settling in that i will never, ever see him again. Why is he the one making it difficult to walk away?

[DylanNotorious]

So what's stopping you from walking away?

 

His crying?

[Angel Irulan]

Bingo with the guilt free pass! I think you have a winner with that idea. Now, for the rest of it. Okay so I see him as someone who likely has some family of origin issues and that created a lot of anger and frustration in him. He might have been treated as if his needs and feelings never mattered, or had value, which can make children doubt who and what they are. I say that because of his instability in the way he perceives being in love with you. He is and he isn't. He's quicksilver, like a fish you can't catch midstream when you're wading. You didn't cause his family of origin issue and you can't play therapist to it. If he's healthy enough to have a relationship with you and interested enough, he will. To me it simply does not sound like it.

 

Crushes are kind of strange. From your post it sounds like you cared about him before you actually had much contact with him, the kind of crush-y love that you get from the Internet. It's terrible to find that the person you fell for so fast wasn't who you thought at first and won't ever be the person you needed to be. That part of it is your responsibility. I take it when I have a crush that I'm lucky enough to get to meet that I have to have a certain amount of emotional reserve for what ever reality has to bring to the table! That keeps me from falling too fast and too soon. I think it's easier to achieve if you have lots of FACE TIME with the person and in real life interactions. Just don't fall too fast next time, slow down. If you do that, I don't think you'll encounter this type of problem again.

 

I don't know why exactly you don't want to leave. Is it fear of him? Desire to change him? Love of him? I can't and won't tell you to leave him, listen to your inner voice. But you guys went forward so fast, you kind of stalled in midair. It's time to get a game plan together and decide what you want to do, before you speak with him.

 

Angel

[Hypa22]

Both of your responses are really great. I HAVE cut it off completely, although it has been extremely disorienting. This was the first time I've ever been head over heels in love with anyone and he's stalled it out so long that I've kept feeling that he is on the fence about me, rather than that he's done with me, which I'm sure he is. I imagine running into him all of the time, but I will not make that happen and am consciously moving on.

He is on the fence about most things in his life, that is true. I believe him when he says that he wants to be with me constantly. However I obelieve him when he says he's made himself clear about his feelings. I just don't know why he would drag me along for, like, a year

[ghostgirl116]

oh wow...well, good riddance. he really sounds like he has some serious issues to work out, and they have nothing to do with you!

[Hypa22]

Also, Angel, I didn't meet this person on the internet. We had mutual friends and spent a considerable amount of face time together before I fell for him. That said, there were many many other factors going into our relationship troubles, and the courtship was brief.

[Angel Irulan]

I used the Internet as a common example that a lot of people can relate to. The short answer is that I believe he's not emotionally available to love you. If it were me I'd simply turn my back whenever I saw him. If he's a stalker type you might have trouble, but most likely he isn't.

 

Angel

[learning2relax]

It is hard when you spend time with someone that is good and you are enjoying the relationship and in short order things start to turn South. You see what they are capable of being and know that they are genuinely good - that is what makes it difficult to leave them when the relationship ends. Trust me, I have gone through the same thing.

 

No matter what you experience in the beginning, it sounds like he is incapable of receiving love. The rub is that it is the very thing he wants but he does everything to sabotage it. It is almost as if they don't love themselves at all and therefore feel unworthy and instead of allowing the love to help them see differently, they do all the wrong things and push something good out the door.

 

If you keep getting back together with him, you may very well be enabling him to stay where he is at and not figure out why he keeps doing this to himself. If you leave him be, he might (note might NOT will) realize that he finds himself right where he is and that he helped to put himself there. If you are around, he has nothing to think about and reflect on.

 

At the same time, you cannot participate in this cycle. As much as you feel that it is not a choice because you are "drawn" you also need to realize that it is your choice. Participating in a cycle like this over a period of time becomes familiar or habit and then almost like a drug, is hard to break. You literally have withdrawls from the very thing that makes you unhappy. You need to evaluate why you do not love yourself enough to take care of you and do what is best and right for you vs. exposing yourself to this pain. Love isn't painful. It isn't easy but it isn't like you describe which sounds unhealthy. So while you say you don't want to be in a relationship again and it is "entirely his fault" isn't accurate. You chose to continue to participate by staying in contact or maintaining a connection with someone who had their own issues which had an effect on the relationship and ultimately you. When you broke up with him the first time, you should have gone to take care of yourself. Your allowing him to be in your life the way you have, is where you are accountable for how you feel about relationships. You might not see that or understand that right now. In time, if you work on yourself and get far enough out from this unhealthy exchange, you may come to realize how you also have caused yourself to be right where you are. We all do it...Nothing to beat yourself up about. But we need to be better to ourselves and not sacrifice our needs for those of others who are unhealthy. You will never fill that void for them. They have to repair that gap on their own.