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What should i do? My heart confuses me


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Hi, Some of u might no my story. Summary: married to a man who cheated on me whilst i was in hospital having our daughter. lied about his immigration status- went on vacation and he was no longer allowed in the country, once beat me up but also the best, caring, loving man u'l meet. very contradictory i knw.


i moved back to u.k and often go up and dwn 2 visit him- long distance relationship- went bk afta having our daughter- found out he cheated, decided 2 forgive him- again (if our daughter was not involved, i would not hv considered it, he seemed genuinely sorry and extremely regretful). he was meant 2 process his visa but has decided he doesnt want 2.


he wants me to move to where he is and live there with him. now money was an issue although he says things r gettin beta and he now sends money for our daughter's upkeep. although we r from the same country- i grew up in england. i want him 2 process his visa but he's against the idea. he says he doesnt wanna come to uk until he establishes a successful biz back home.


im so angry bcos i feel he has deceived me and lied to me about everything-especially making me a single mum - he wanted a child more than i did. (although my daughter is my world- love her more than my life)


he says i left him when he was going thro da hardest time in his life and i took his child.


i am actually considering going bk 4 a few weeks so he can hv access to his daughter but i dont want 2 keep doing as he says which i hv done 4 so long. our 1st wedding anniversary is coming up in 6wks. and being 2geda or being apart will reli make or break da marriage.


wat should i do? i will appreciate response from both men and women but especially from a man's point of view.



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I know this an awful thing to say, and every child is entitled to see their father, BUT are you 110% sure if you take your child over there, there's no way he can snatch her?


Sorry - as I say, it's a horrible idea, but it does happen, and when it does people soon find out that the British Embassy is pretty useless where it comes to helping mothers out in situations like this.


Also, check out the laws in his country re: custody rights. In some countries, once the child reaches a certain age, residency automatically goes to the father.

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He is not stupid enough to do such a thing. He pretty much still lives in a flat @ his parents house and I will be also staying with our daughter in the same place. We have gone back once and there was no drama as far as our child is concerned. He cant b a full time dad and his family will not support him on that, so he'l hv no where to hide her.

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Well, then I guess it's your call but cheating on you while you were having his baby, domestic abuse, and being generally unreliable - do you really want to leave your home for this man? Do you have a support network out there i.e. family etc to fall back on? Do you want to live there? Can he support you and provide for you and your child? It depends a lot on the country but we do have it pretty easy here. Good, free schools, good, free healthcare etc. It's a lot to be giving up.

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i reli dont want to give it all up. my family is ere in england and 2 me england is home cos i hv no friends bk der- i hv extended family but its not da same. my parents, siblings and cousins live in england and r extremly supportive. i'l b stupid 2 go bk der and live cos i love my home ere and my independence but i just feel im robbing him of bonding time wit his child. i agree he shud come here if he wants 2 c her. i guess i also miss him.


tbh- i dont believe he can trully change but moving on is so hard

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This is a man who has beat you, among other things. What he 'wants' is irrelevant. He can see his child by making the trip to see the child--he should not be using your helpless baby and a tool to manipulate you. You should not allow that, no matter what. Use your mind.

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do you want your daughter growing up and seeing this utter mess is what relationships are about?


i too get that you want that family unit, but when a biological father is a crap dad, your daughter will seek out those same type of a-holes later out in life as partners...and the cycle with continue.


if he changes and steps up to the plate, then fair do's, he can be [a healthy] part of her life, but my gut tells me he wont...youre gunna need to find that backbone and be strong, and not accept this bs and this abuse because you have value and worth....now isnt that something GREAT to show your daughter???

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