Just had strange conversation with ex

[thunderknuckle]

Okay long story short, my ex broke up with me after a 2 year relationship. I managed to maintain no contact for 4 months (see my 1st post), had a moment of weakness, called her and confessed I was still in love with her and couldn't take being without her. We talked, agreed to meet up and there was some hope that she might take me back. Without getting into detail, she decided that she was certain she didnt want me back, I was devastated, again, and I was back to square one.

 

This was about 7 weeks ago. In that time, I've made a real determined effort to move forward with my life, rebuild my confidence and self-esteem and I think I've been doing quite well. The strange thing is, my ex keeps calling me every few days, even though we agreed that she shouldn't. Sometimes, I answer her calls, sometimes I don't. When we do speak, she does most of the talking, I dont tell her much and at the end of the conversation she always apologises for calling, saying that she can't help it because she is lonely and that I'm such a great person to talk to her and give great advice etc. I know I probably shouldn't be talking to her at all, but honestly, I feel like I'm healing just fine. Establishing NC just seems a bit dramatic, and I dont want to make a big deal of me getting over her by being rude, it's generally not in my nature.

 

So about an hour ago, she calls me, we talk about general stuff, she apologises for calling as usual and then she starts asking me if I've met anyone new. I ask her why does she want to know and she says shes just curious. I tell her that I dont think we should be talking about that but shes keep pushing and pushing for me to say. So I thought to myself that if she really wants to know, * * * * it, I'll just tell her the truth. There's no reason for me to lie. She was the one who decided she didnt want me so why am I gonna lie to her just to protect her. In fact, protect her from what? lol.

 

So I told her the truth, that I'd been on a few dates, kissed 2 girls, and had sex with one. Then there was silence...I was like, 'hello are u still there?' and she was like 'yeah' but she sounded really upset. I asked her if she was okay and she said yeah but i could tell she sounded upset. Then she kept asking me more details: 'where did you meet her?' 'was it good?' 'dont you think its a bit soon for you to just have sex with someone else?' I told her politely that she really wasnt in a position to ask me such questions'. From there the conversation was just awkward...I felt compelled to explain myself as to why I'd been going on dates, kissing/having sex with girls etc to perhaps justify and rationalise my actions but then decided not to. Why the hell should I justify myself to her? She's the one who kept asking and persisting so i told her the truth. I didnt do anything wrong, just trying to move on with my life. So anyway we spoke for a little while longer, wished her goodnight and ended the conversation.

 

Now here's what bothers me: I won't lie, when i told her that I'd been out on dates and slept with someone, it felt good. It felt good to show that she hasn't got such a hold on my life anymore. When I could hear that she was upset, it felt good that I caused her some pain. Is that a bad thing? It must be if I'm taking pride from someone else's discomfort, right? I'm not one to go out of my way to spite someone, and its not like I went out of my way to tell her, she kept pushing me.

 

What do you guys think?

[Daligal83]

I think it means that you still have some feelings left there. Otherwise you wouldn't get that "pleasure" feeling. And it's not that you're getting pleasure out of her pain, it's pleasure that she still feels something for you. If it didn't bother her at all, you'd know that she was 100% over it.

 

No you didn't go out of her way, but you still made the choice. And I think that by the way she was asking, you knew that there was something behind it. It's not the worst thing in the world, but you didn't have to tell her or tell her in such detail. If you guys are going to continue to speak, which may not be a good idea considering there are feelings there, then you need to completely avoid those conversation. When I was still speaking to my ex, we just made an agreement to tell the other person if something became serious. Otherwise we didn't need to know.

[allsunny]

its good that she might have been a little upset or hurt. that'll help her move on too... if she hasn't already

[lapse]

I really 'like' that you're being so self-aware about your feelings. I wouldn't get too wound up in feeling guilty, though. Guilt is the truck-sized tar baby of the emotions. You didn't flag it in her face. You resisted telling her because you knew it might hurt her. It's not like you hurt her on purpose. Your feelings are your feelings. Accept them; fan yourself with them for a minute or two, whatever. I can understand both why it would make you feel good to be able to tell her (especially under the happy circumstance that it wasn't even your intention) and to know that she was upset by it. It doesn't mean you wanted to upset her. Different things. Intention and consequence. The best thing you can do, imo, and lest you end up hoping for certain outcomes (e.g., that she will come back, etc) based on this one small thing is to accept that you feel whatcha feel. And let it go. Because you can be disappointed to the same extent that you can be lifted. So don't let your schadenfreude roll too far or too long or get you too high, but don't spank yourself for it, either. Ya get what I'm saying?

[thunderknuckle]

Thanks for your replies. Yeah I get what your saying. I know that I still have feelings for her, but I also accept that the relationship is OVER and that I WILL eventually meet somebody else and fall in love again. I didnt tell her in the hope that it would upset her, I just felt good knowing that it bothered her. Lapse like you said, my feelings are my feelings, it is what it is. I won't dwell on this for too long.

 

On a slightly unrelated note....it's Friday night and I'm at home all alone by myself...and I dont mind! Starting to enjoy my own company again

[Daligal83]

Isn't that the best? I was looking forward to being alone all day. I even canceled a first meet (online dating) because I just wanted to be alone haha. I have some friends who can't be alone at all and I feel bad for them. I enjoy my own company. I plan to get a lot of reading done