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Fell off the wagon...Now I'm Starting over

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So I failed. After 8 days of NC I talked to him yesterday. I know it's not justified but it was a very bad day. Unfortunately a woman I've worked with for a few years lost her battle with cancer last night. I know she is in a better place, I glad she is no longer suffering but what seems to make me so upset is that I had been over to her house the hours before her death to say goodbye and the details of that situation seem to have jumped out at me.


First was her husband. He sat there holding her hand and he looked devastated. He has always been a little protective of her, some people that it was odd, but it was just that he loved her so much and he want to keep her safe. In April, when she decided to stop fighting, he was supportive of her choice but it's been so hard for him to watch her suffer since.


Second were the books next to her bed. He constantly read to her. Her eye sight had gone and so TV and reading herself were no longer an option. I thought that him doing that was the most amazing thing.


So I realized yesterday morning, as I thought of him at his home, now alone that I do not want to go through life without a partner. I want to be loved and have that kind of love a support in return. So of course the first person I wanted to call was my ex.


Initially I called a couple of friends and then my mom...but their words could not comfort me. So I called him. He did not pick up and I could tell he had sent me to voice mail. I did not leave a message and after typing a text or two I decided against sending them. I knew there was so way to convey what I wanted to say via text or VM, so I resigned myself to not talking to him. 15 minutes later he called me back.


I told him what was going on and I told him I didn't want to go through life without that support. He said no one did. I told him I missed him. He said he missed me too, he said he would be stupid not to. He told me he had been working and playing ball to keep himself busy so he wouldn't think. We both play softball and he was supposed to be playing in the same tournament as me this Sunday but he said his team had pulled out...he asked if that made me happy since I didn't want to see him...It did make me happy because I was worried about seeing him but I reminded him that he was the one who had said he didn't want to see me...then he said he might try and get picked up by another team to play.(I really hope not but I didn't tell him that.) We talked about a UFC event that is coming to town in September. He said he had reserved a suite at the event...he told me to keep that in mind, see where we were. ( * * * ?) At the end he told me to keep my head up, it would all be ok. I felt so much better after I had talked to him and then my head started thinking.


Last night I couldn't sleep. I know that he is a nice guy. I know he cares about me and wants me to be ok. I know I shouldn't have called him. I shouldn't have leaned on him. I feel horrible today. I feel like I'm an addict. I had been 8 days sober and then I took a hit. Now all I want is another...but instead I'm starting over. Almost 24 hours sober now. I wish I hadn't called him. I wish he hadn't called back. I wish I hadn't answered. The words he said give me hope, hope of reconciliation…but how can I hope and want that when he broke my heart and walked away from me? I feel so stupid and weak.

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I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. Eight days is practically nothing. You can't realistically expect yourself to detach yourself so quickly.


I think the key here is to remember that while your desire not to be alone is a valid one, you have to keep reminding yourself that your ex is not the only solution to that problem. It might feel that way now but must know that's not the case. With more time you'll be able to see that more clearly.

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I have debated sending the ex a letter. I want him back but I know that this won't happen anytime soon. So I want to tell him what I want, explain I've heard his wants and tell him that I am stepping back. This is my first draft. Please give me comments and suggestions.



Here it is...this is what I want. In the simplest terms:

I want support.

I want communication.

I want love.

I want a commitment to a future.

I want all these things and currently I want them with you...but I have also realize I have been hurting myself by compromising these wants.


I heard you when you expressed your wants, and I know I overstepped them. I did hear you when you said you wanted space. I did hear you say you want to prove that you can accomplish the work stuff on your own. I did hear you say you want seperation from me. I choose to cling to you saying you loved me and you'd want to try again. I have wanted those things to happen right away and I have been selfish by asking you to compromise your other wants before you are ready...I have not given you the time or space you have asked for. I'm sorry. So, you take your time. Do the work thing on your own. Figure out what is best for you when it comes to the future...really think about if your other wants match what I want...and if you want those things them with me.


I have always been strong on my own, I still am. I know I don't need a partner. But over the last few years I've realized I am good at giving love, support and encouragement in an intimate realtionship. It made me happy to have someone to be there for...and who was there for me in return. There are many things I still have to learn about life and love, things that will make me even more amazing. I know I'm not quick to let someone in. I am picky...and I have the right to be, because I don't want to settle for only half of what I want. I'm over the one night stands and bar flings.


So at this time, as much as I wish I could be friends with you, my heart is still too involved. Our wants, being so different, make friendship too difficult and I feel I would not be a good friend and I don't want to fail at that. Therfore, I am stepping back. Please understand that I'd like to say I'll be here when you're ready (quitting isn't something I'm good at or want to do) but I don't know if that'll be the case in the future. I have started to take steps to move on. I have to see what's out there as well. I am putting me first and choosing to be happy.


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Don't beat yourself up about it. NC isn't really some golden rule where if you break it they'll never come back. Just try not to call him too much and respond minimally when he calls. Learn how to give him space until he starts coming to you for space. Remember this is learning process so expect to stumble along the way. So even if you mess up at least you learned something.

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No, probably don't send him a the letter?


No, I don't like the idea of a letter because often the one who walked away needed space. When you send them a letter they are feeling pushed into a decision. It's like a pesky salesman that keeps trying to close the deal. Even you want the thing they are selling you don't appreciate the in your face tactics because you feel pushed. Make sense?


So if and when you do talk to him try to leave off all "hooks" from your conversation. Try to expect nothing its a really hard thing to do.

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I agree completely with NCforMe..... I cringed when I read that letter. Remember, we do not need to tell the other person all about themselves....and it does sound like you are trying to "sell" him a what a great person you are. He already knows what he needs to know. You ARE a great person - time to back off and let it just percolate in his brain for a bit.

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