hmmm - am i mad to want to get back together with her?

[cubes]

Well, I guess we should do this properly, Hello - Im "Cubes" (not my real name obviously) pleased to meet you! Im pretty dyslexic so bear with me! Questions at the end please

 

Yes!...... you've guessed it! I've just been broken up with!

 

I say "just" it's been going on since well February. I did think it was odd that my finacee didnt bother giving me a birthday card after we had been together for 4years (my birthday is in feb!)! Bit of background info - we bought a house, had 2 beautiful dogs and rescued a cat! Oh and I moved literally to the other side of the world in order to be with her and for all of this to happen!

 

Its a pretty simple story really... Are you sitting comfortably???? Good, then I shall begin..

 

We met, we fell in love, etc etc (it was all pretty romantic actually - I bet everyone thinks this also)......... In the beginning we didnt really argue very much, but when we did argue it was pretty bad! We're both hypersensitive I think! Probably a throwback from our pasts! later on in the relationship our arguments kinda lasted a few day of it going on before the air cleared! Mainly because she'd upset me so much it would take a while for me to chillout. The arguments could be over the most ridiculus things, but would escalate massively! I know it takes 2 to argue tc etc, but a lot of the arguments I felt could have been resolved pretty much before they turned ugly just by her being a lot less militant and by being a lot more willing to accept that she (like me) is not perfect. (im also sure everyone usually thinks they are right in an argument or at lest that they have a valid point!) Im defo not perfect - but the difference between her and me is that, if she said to me "hey you did this and it upset me" I'd be like "im so sorry" etc etc. Whenever i broached a situation where maybe she had upset me, i was met with a bad attitude and an unwillingness to actually apologise of her own accord. She would trow ridiculus stuff bak at me rather than to accept she had upset me. This caused (after a prolonged period of time) for me to lose my temper and shout. When we broke up she said she couldnt take the volitility.

 

I used to have a lot of hobbies, but that all got lost from us being in the relationship - I also used to love goinG out (meeting with friends) but she uSed to kind of get jelause and then take it out on me in other ways. She would never really do anything around the house, and then make out that I was almost doing it to make her feel bad. Yeah! everyone does their laundry or mops the floor to make their partner feel bad eh!

 

ANyways, in order to please her and keep her happy I ended up staying in a lot (all the time!!) and then she started having a go at me about the fact "what do you like" "what do you want to do with your life etc" - I found it really hard moving round the other side of the world. I left my family, my friends, my job etc - and moved here. I found it hard to get work at first, then when i did - she got jelaus eof friends etc, so now Im here, no friends really, i have a job - im about to move out our house and i feel kind of screwed over.

 

I've given up so much for hr, and all i've evr asked form her is that she treates me with respect when there is either a disagreement o a missunderstnading. so we cn talk about it nd then figure it out. I must also add, that during the above period i was drinking quite a lot which helped numb me a bit form everything that was goin on. Im not drinking that much now - drinking did also have an effect on our reltionship in the sense of that when she was being really militant I guess my tollerance to accept it went form maybe 2 hours to about 30mins on average. Im pretty tolerant of most things really - there were also a lot of other stresses on our relationship over the 4years which had nothing to with "us" but had direct effect n us! Brother had a divorce and rang 3 times a day form the other sid eof the world for about 1.5 years threaterning to kill himself, grandpa died, we both had parents diagnosed with cncer at the same time (weird) my dad then got rushed to hospital emergency operation and nearly died. It ha all been pretty stressful - but when we were not arguining (We didnt argue that much) we were solid. We got on so well, had such a laugh and were litrally the best of friends.

 

I do want to get back with her - and we discussed a little before going on NC - should I hold out for that to happe or just accept tht it's not ogin to happen?

 

I think i have ramble don enough - not entirely sure anyone wil be able to offer me any advice - its just good to get it all out really (not that what ive written is all of it) good to share is a better figure of sppech..anyways I shall leave you with this:

 

Sent a text to a friend earlier, it read "Gotta be honest, the single life is pretty good eh! Spend all day working, get home to a cold empty house. Eat dinner on your own an then spend the rest of the evening trying to find things to occupy yourself with so try and convince yourself that your actualy not really lonely! Living the dream"

 

quite a good representation of my life at the moment I think!

 

Thank you, you've ben a wonderful crowd!

[Edmund Exley]

Its sounds like you and her both have some serious anger issues. Nothing should boil on for days. To answer your question, yes you would be mad to get back together with someone in a relationship that appears to be toxic. The one thing I noted is you ask her to treat you with respect in a disagreement, yet you insist she apologize on "her own accord". Just because you are so easy to say "I'm sorry" doesnt mean she needs to feel the same. Actually, its sometimes better to understand why the person is so upset and discuss it before just plopping an "I'm sorry" too it. That way they know their feelings have been acknowledged.

[cubes]

Hey - thanks for your reply.

 

I think you probably have made some valid points there. We certainly did / do have issues!

 

When I was talking about her apologising, What I meant was, If i upset her, I would listen to why I had upset her before apologising - and wasn't just apologising for the sake of it. If she upset me, I would try and explain how she had upset me, and was met with a brick wall of no acknowledgment, which le to me feeling like she didnt care at all that i was upset....Eitherway i guess your right there was a lot of toxicity - and no argument should go on for as long as some of our went on.

 

It really wasnt all that bad though. Having just re-read what i wrote I realised it looked bad. I guess we did get too upset about things, and we both certainly have a lot of baggage from our lives before we met. But we also had so many hapy times, and we also did get on so well.

 

Thanks again for your reply.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Edmund that it seems the best that it's over. Hang in there.

[cubes]

Hey - I just wanted to let you know i've been thinking about your post quite a lot and appreciate your comment on anger issues.

 

My life has been pretty difficult (and hers also)! I've had some really terrible things happen to me, and after you post, and looking at some counselling websites i've decided to make an appointment. I know you shouldn't self diagnose, but just form looking at these sites I think i may have PTSD. The way i generally feel on a daily basis is not normal: anxiety, stressed and vaunerable - it's no wonder the realtionship ended up how it did.

 

Hopefully this will help me out and make more more balanced in all aspects of my life - either way im gonna do my best to figure it all out.

 

thanks again for your input.