Finally met enotalone lesbian pen pal after 6 yrs of corresponding

[dimndintheruff]

I finally met my long-distance lesbian pen pal in person for the first time recently. We started corresponding through enotalone 6 yrs ago about our sexuality and our friendship escalated from there. I have not been on this site in quite a while and had to create a new user name.

 

Things are complicated and I'm confused about my feelings for her. We have shared our fears, accomplishments, failures, experiences, nearly every aspect of our emotional lives with each other via text, phone, facebook, and email. She lives with her girlfriend of 4 yrs and I'm single. We met each other with two friends and I felt like it was awkward. I got really drunk and sent her a text asking if I could kiss her. She just said, "I can't do that, girl." I felt there was a connection and I understand that she has a girlfriend and couldn't do it.

 

We are still texting a lot every day. I posted a photo album of that weekend and tagged photos of everyone in it on facebook. She created a new album on her page and left all of the photos of me and my friend out of it. The only photos that are in it are of her and her friend on that specific day that we all met and hung out. When I told her my feelings were hurt that she did that, she told me she purposely left out the photos of herself in which she didn't like the way she looked and that it had nothing to do with me. I've talked to other friends about this and they say what she did was mean and hurtful.

 

I had a meltdown the other day because I feel like I always listen to her and her problems and when I'm upset she blows me off, plus the photo album thing on facebook; my feelings were really hurt. I sent her a text message saying, "Let's not be friends. I don't see the point." I deleted her from my facebook and I really meant it. She sent me a string of texts asking what was wrong, if I was okay, that she didn't know what happened, etc. I finally text her back and we were able to kinda talk about things. She tried telling me that I'm her closest friend after her girlfriend, etc.

 

I just don't get the point of us being friends. I feel like I care about her more than she cares about me. I don't know if I want to go another 6 years of not hanging out and being someone's texting buddy. I don't know how I feel about her and even if I wanted to date her, she has a girlfriend. I know that she will not come and see me or try to make special arrangements to do so and why should she if she has a girlfriend. I'm wondering what others think about this situation and if it's worth it to be friends with her?

[chitown9]

No, I would not continue your friendship with her. She only wants a friendship and you want more than a friendship. It has been hurtful to you and it will continue to be hurtful to you if you continue any type of relationship with her other than what YOU WANT. It is nobody's fault really; it is just the way it is....

[DailyDreamer]

I'm really sorry this happened to you, dimndintheruff.

 

Honestly, I agree with chitown9 because while you both share a bond to an extent, this girl you met is perfectly fine with how things are with you being her buddy and having her girlfriend. It just stinks she doesn't even give you the same attention in friendship when you need to let out some problems, while you are always more than willing to lend and ear and try to help. That is totally unfair.

 

Unfortunately, it just sounds like she loves the attention she receives from you, but she's not thankful and doesn't reciprocate in any way that allows you to benefit from it.

 

Honestly though, I can't imagine your pain, considering you have both gotten close over the time span of six years. I just want you to get the attention and respect you deserve and it doesn't sound like you are getting it. Hopefully she wises up and sees the mistakes made in order to possibly save a friendship, but if you are always going to crave for something more than that while she has her girlfriend, then try to end all contact so you can heal. After that, maybe you can possibly start with a new slate and possibly form a friendship.

 

I wish you all the best and take care.

[dimndintheruff]

Thanks for responding to my post, Chi and DailyDreamer.

 

I don't know if I necessarily want a romantic relationship with her. I'm confused and there's 2200 mi between us even though we're in the same country and it's just weird to finally meet someone personally after 6 years of electronic communication; I don't know what I should be feeling. She lives in a very liberal area and she's out to everyone. I live in a very conservative area and have to be careful who I'm out to. I just feel like she doesn't understand the differences sometimes. I'm just going through a really tough time right now because I got laid off from my job a year ago, had to move to another state, there's no one to date here that I'm interested in, no real job prospects in my field, and no dating prospects. My quality of life sucks!

 

I totally agree with DailyDreamer that she probably enjoys the attention she gets from me and my concern for her when things go awry in her life. She never told me that it was good to finally meet me or that she had fun. I feel like she pushes me away and I'm not sure why, like if somehow I'm a threat to her relationship with her girlfriend. I don't see how...I live 2200 mi away. It's so complicated because we are both lesbians. She was also raised as a single child. Single children just don't share as much and their not as giving, it seems.

 

She did help me with my resume and cover letter today, though, and she was nice about it. She kept offering to do it.

[dimndintheruff]

Another thing that's odd, is that we met on enotalone. She's the one who started emailing me initially. Now whenever I bring up enotalone or anything we talked about on here, or our old photos that were our avatars, she gets distant and avoids the topic. We freaking "met" on enotalone so I don't get it.

[DailyDreamer]

That is pretty strange that she avoids enotalone and that she didn't mention how it was good to finally have met. I would have been disappointed too because it was six years that lead up to this very moment. I'm sorry it didn't turn out better than that.

 

I'm happy to hear that you are both on good terms with her helping you on your resume and such. Just make sure she's not hurting you, dimndintheruff. What I mean is that I hope she doesn't treat you like a lightswitch. On when she wishes to be and off when she's busy or not interested.

 

I can relate to long distance and it sucks with both friendships and relationships. It's a pretty trying obstacle that never improves, especially if one party is more eager than the other. There needs to be equal effort.

 

Hang in there, dimndintheruff and vent away if need be. Many of us are in the same boat and happy to talk it through together.

[Nikki_]

"I feel like she pushes me away and I'm not sure why, like if somehow I'm a threat to her relationship with her girlfriend. I don't see how...I live 2200 mi away."

 

I know you're hurting, but maybe you could try to understand this issue from your friends point of view and her girlfriends possible point of view.

 

Imagine dating someone who has been texting, e-mailing, calling, and facebooking another girl for 6 years straight, as well as revealing her inner deepest emotions to this other girl. Now also imagine that you have never met this other girl, talked to this other girl or gotten to know this other girl. (I'm assuming from your post)

 

This is the situation of your friends gf. She doesn't know you, all she knows is that you and her gf have been virtually inseperable for 6 years. It's highly possible that she may feel a little uneasy about what kind of relationship you two have, and what your intentions are. (I know i would feel uneasy) Especially if she doesn't know you.

If this is the case, then maintaining a healthy distance from you is an appropriate thing for your friend to do. I mean, you did tell her that you wanted to kiss her. She's prioritising her relationship and ensuring that things don't become inappropriate between you two.

 

I don't think you can fault her for being cautious about getting too close and giving you false hope after you professed your feelings of attraction.

 

From your post, it seems like she has been a good friend to you. But that's all you are: Friends. And as such, she will always prioritise her relationship with her gf over your friendship. As harsh as it may sound. But i do think that she does value your friendship and doesn't want to lose it. So you may have to accept that she will always be a little distant with you.

 

Again, i know this upsets you and that you are confused about your feelings. I'm sorry for this. Unfortunately life isn't always fair. But i wish you good luck with everything.

[dimndintheruff]

DailyDreamer, her and I both talked about our meeting and acknowledged we had been anxious. I know that she had been looking forward to meeting me because we had both texted about it prior to meeting and it was funny because we kinda did this countdown thing before meeting on text, unintentionally. I admit it could have been less awkward had I not asked to kiss her, but I was very, very drunk. I don't think I would have gone there had I not been drinking and she agreed she knew that I did not plan on asking to do that. We also agreed that instead of spending the whole weekend with us and our friends, we would have liked to have spent some time alone. I do sometimes feel like a lightswitch that is turned on and off but I feel that things are better since I had the meltdown.

 

Nikki, I have thought about how her girlfriend may have been feeling, but I just don't have a lot of sympathy. Her girlfriend has a similar long distance friend that she met online several years ago and actually had a thing for before meeting my friend. The girlfriend's long distance friend acts like a lesbian and we're all convinced she is, but she hasn't came out to herself yet. My friend's girlfriend is constantly texting this other woman (it may have gotten better), but her girlfriend actually goes to visit this other woman in this other state for up to a week at a time pretty much every year that I'm aware of.

 

I know that she will always prioritize her relationship with her girlfriend over me. That wasn't really the issue and I can't say I'm jealous of the time she spends with her girlfriend or anything like that. I actually do understand that. Like I said, I'm confused about my feelings for my friend and meeting her after developing this close bond for 6 years was emotionally overwhelming for me. It's hard enough staying in touch with friends who move, but to develop any type of long distance relationship with someone you have never actually met for 6 years is very difficult to comprehend. My post was about feeling unsure if I should still be friends with her and feeling like the lightswitch that DailyDreamer mentioned.