I'm having a hard time imagining all breakups won't go like this

[Hypa22]

I broke up with my ex a while ago, and I'm almost sure he broke up with me in a very bad way. He basically ignored me, gave me the silent treatment, and made it very clear that he did not want me around, while i was around and waiting for him to come back. The minute I tried to speak to him he shut me down. This was after a VERY brief romance, where I, at least, had fallen very, very, VERY hard for him. It was also my first relationship, so going into it was disorienting and going out of it was shocking.

Anyways, when he started ignoring me, making it clear that he didn't want to talk, I was scared I would bother him all of the time, so I became very very quiet. All of the time. Staying quiet had a literally physical effect on my stomach and my throat. It was as if they had rocks over them all of the time, and in addition a hand over my mouth. It got so bad that I couldn't even look him in the face, and whenever he said anything to me I would want to say something but that lump would be there. I eventually ended up crying, SILENTLY, every morning because i was so afraid to bother him (and don't even get me started on the morning where he saw this happen and stood there, not doing anything. He didn't look at me in a cruel, sadistic way, only in a hopeless one, it seemed). He did this all the time. He also dragged the whole process out because he cannot end things, he himself is too afraid to, so after weeks of feeling this way I was the one who ended up needing to break things off.

Then we continued to get back together and break apart for the next year. For some reason I missed him so much, I was able to overlook the intense physical damage of what he did. I knew in my mind that he would never change, that if we DID get back together, and if we ever had even a disagreement or a fight, he would ignore me the same way, but I wanted him back and i hate myself for being so weak in this entire situation. We tried being friends for a while and things went exactly back to the way they were before we hooked up. We had a great time together, but when i was alone i actually had to remind myself of what he'd done to me, and it was amazing how I was able to forget that. When I told him I couldn't see each other yesterday he cried, as he'd done when we broke off, but since it was a year - and ENTIRE YEAR - afterwards I was literally more assertive. Still, I didn't express everything I had to say to him. He treated me so bad I had to go on antidepressants.

 

Anyways, the point is, since this was my first relationship I am literally scared to be in love with ANYone after this. It feels as if someone can have just too much power over me. Perhaps it is my fault. I gave this person everything after a very short time. He'd expressed beforehand that he was hurt in the past and might not be able to be the best lover. However, I know longer trust my choice in men and I know longer want to be so addicted to someone who will hurt me in such a physical way. I have to wonder - is this physical pain, not being able to talk because of the silent treatment, holding it all in, etc... - is this normal for many crumbling relationships? I feel as if, since he pulled away in the middle of the "honeymoon period" really, that perhaps it was more painful. I have to know, though, will this happen over and over? I do not want to fall in love again, ever. And I am only 24!!!

[Tryptophan]

I feel like this sometimes too but I know it'll end up going away sooner or later. I had to do something similar: breakup with him because he was making our relationship dysfunctional. We kept getting together for a few months but then I just blew it all off. It's been nearly half a year and stuff has gotten better but you need to find things you can focus on that will get you somewhere. You need goals, lots of them, so you stop feeling unproductive and depressed (that's how I felt).

And I had physical pain like migraines, nightmares, stomach pain, felt like I was choking but it didn't last long. Do exercise!!

[Cheetarah]

The silent treatment can be a form of emotional abuse. I feel badly for you because you take it just as bad as I do - It crumbles me.

 

If someone makes it very clear they don't want you around - Leave them alone to sulk in their silence. Ignoring someone is not a mature, adult way to handle issues, punishing for arguments, or to break up with someone.

 

No one should ever have power over you. Giving of yourself until you're depleted is your issue - Another one that I face, myself. I give too much and do not receive in return. It leaves me feeling resentful, rejected, and drained.

 

Will it happen again? Yes, there's a chance it will, of course. You will meet all walks of life in the dating game.

 

It's only been a day since you told him you can't do this anymore - Easy on yourself, hun. Of COURSE you're terrified to fall in love right now. If you weren't apprehensive I would wonder.

 

Emotional stress takes its toll on the body as well. It manifesting itself physically is very common. It's important for you to be able to have release, in whatever healthy way that helps you - Crying, exercising, talking to others, journaling, writing letters you never send, whatever helps you get it out is what you need to do.

[Eocsor]

Being in love, really in love, is taking a huge leap of faith that things will work out. You have to be able to put yourself out there in order to really have a fulfilling relationship with someone. And that means taking the chance that you might get really hurt badly. But thats life, and the only alternative is to stay safe and cozy and not take a chance with someone. You may not get hurt that way, but you are missing out on life.

[Point5]

Anyways, the point is, since this was my first relationship I am literally scared to be in love with ANYone after this. It feels as if someone can have just too much power over me.

 

You shouldn't. Even though it took you a while, you obviously were able to stand up for yourself and not allow him to take advantage of you or play mind games. You should be proud of that, some people never learn that.

When you start a new relationship, just take it slow. And keep in mind what he did to you so that you will recognize it if someone else does it to you, than you will be able to put a stop to it before you get too involved.

[thejigsup]

The Silent Treatment can be a very effective way of gaining control over someone, as you have seen. I do it, but not in a malicious way. I tell someone I need space for awhile so I don't blow up at them and say things I don't mean. I can be gone from a day or two to a couple weeks. But it is to get control of me, not them. The way your ex used it was cruel. Not a guy I would even worry about.