Yes dear

[someguy69]

Even before I got married, I started receiving the advice that to have a happy marriage, I had to adopt the, "yes dear", mentality -- basically that to have a happy life, you have to have a happy wife, which seems to imply that you let her do whatever she wants, and no matter what, she is always right, and you are always wrong.

 

What do the married folk out there say to this? Is this the eventual outcome, that men eventually have to give up any hope of equality because the fight just isn't worth it?

[Seraphim]

Of course this is not true. Both people should be happy. One person can not get the short end of the stick every time and be happy. You have to find a compromise both people can live with. If one person gets their way one time, the other will get their's another time. I think all that you mentioned are big cliches.

[someguy69]

Cliches or not, they seem to be universally accepted. The thing that makes me most crazy is that my wife sees things completely opposite. It's as if she has absolutely no sense of fairness at all. To her, any compromise means that she is not getting her way -- it's either her way, or not her way, compromise is the same as losing. If a compromise was reached, I got my way, and she lost.

[Seraphim]

I think that is something particular to HER though not every woman or every marriage. Have you tried telling her how her attitude makes you feel?

[Angel Irulan]

I had an ex who used to do this when he got mad over something. It destroyed our relationship.

 

Angel

[OptomisticGirl]

lol. My fiance told me early on he would not be adapting the mentality his granddad had with his gran - which was the 'yes dear' thing. It's completely based upon the couple. My fiance will let me run around and do whatever I want - and even let me get away with a few things I probably shouldn't - but trust me, when I over step that respect line, he has no problem telling me anything BUT yes, dear. And I always try to be fair and compromise with him.

[george237]

Well for one your not letting her do whatever she wants, people do what they want when they want. That being said, sounds like she's the dominant one and your submissive. If thats the case it's her fault just as much as yours, you are submissive to her and she dominates. If it bothers you that much stop putting her first in your decisions and make yourself happy.

[myhonestanswer]

It's not universally accepted at all. It's obvioulsy accepted by you though, and that's all that matters, because you go along with it.

 

Live your life, take responsibility for your actions, or inactions, and stop blaming cliches for your wife walking all over you.

[Kitkat973]

Hahahahaha. Oh man, that's great.

 

I'm just picturing my marriage working like this in either direction, and yeah, no, not possible.

 

Compromise is a part of life, and it's sure as hell a huge part of having a working relationship. Marriage should never be a matter of one person pandering to the other. Having a vagina does not entitle her to a magic pass of getting her own way, like a three year old with a note from mummy that says she doesn't ever have to share her toys at preschool.

[Point5]

The only men I ever see adopt that saying is the men that let their wives run their relationship. For example, I saw a clip of that God awful show last night, Toddlers & Tiaras, and theres a part where the husband said he disagreed with his 2 year old daughter wearing so much makeup and such little clothes because it destroys their innocence but he doesn't say anything because "I don't want to fight with the wife." I was like, guy... thats your daughter too!

My boyfriend won't let me get away with anything, and at first that damaged our relationship because I was used to always getting my way. But he stepped in and I actually learned that its not okay to demand an apology for something that doesn't need one (thats just an example). So no, thats not an acceptable way to run a relationship. Both people need to be happy.

[tattoobunnie]

I think it may be a comical sense, like, "don't leave your automotice car parts all over the bedroom floor." "Yes, dear." Or please take a shower because you smell like a sewer." "Yes dear."

 

I definitely don't think it has anything to do with major decisions like, "I'm gonna go to New Zealand for 3 years, while you stay here and watch the kids."

[thejigsup]

No man "lets me" run around or do what I want. In relatinships I let myself do what I want and I tell my man to do the same, to do what he wants. This has always worked for me. You have to find someone very similar to you for this to work, though. No one owns or controls anyone else. Simple as that.

[Capricorn3]

It's not universally accepted at all. It's obvioulsy accepted by you though, and that's all that matters, because you go along with it.

 

Live your life, take responsibility for your actions, or inactions, and stop blaming cliches for your wife walking all over you.

^^ THIS!

 

If my husband did the "yes dear" thing to me I'd kick him out as it would drive me up the wall. It shows me he has no backbone.

 

Remember, if YOU allow her to walk all over you, she will. Don't be a doormat.

[someguy69]

I'm not saying that I have resigned to this mentality, and I certainly didn't have it at all in the beginning. What I am saying is that I keep hearing this "advice" over and over and over again. It does come with a sort of a wink and a nod though... as if to say that this is just lip service.

 

I get the feeling that you're supposed to let the woman believe that they are right and you are wrong... "yes, dear" ... "I'm sorry" ... "I was wrong"... while knowing that you are just saying this to keep the peace, and that you use it to justify doing whatever you want to do, in the "well, if I'm always 'wrong', then I may as well live up to expectations".

 

It's sort of the "I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb" thing. Rather than have a real partnership based on logical agreement, you end up with two people trying to best each other passive-aggressively, all the while being all "yes dear" polite face to face.

[Fudgie]

I think the "yes dear" mentality should be taken in *some* situations and definitely by both partners when those situations arise.

 

Obviously no partner should be doing something that makes the other blatantly uncomfortable but I take the "yes dear" philosophy when it comes to dealing with my partner's quirks. It's small stuff. Don't sweat the small stuff. Sure, maybe there are some quirks and hobbies that I sort of roll my eyes at but I think sometimes it's better just to let things be. Nobody wants a partner who is like "STOP THAT" all the time.

 

B, my ex, used "yes dear" sometimes with me and I was appreciative of it. Just small things like me occasionally leaving crumbs, cooking fish (he hated fish and all meat products), laughing obnoxiously at the TV, me going out to get a hamburger (again, he hated that stuff) or leaving my shampoo bottle in the "wrong place"....it's better to just learn to not be so annoyed with it because we all have little things we do. Occasionally, he would even use it for when we went out and I would decide where to go and it may have been a certain museum that he was less than thrilled with but I was DYING to go. He would swallow it and say "yes dear" and we would go and it would actually be okay. And of course, I would do something that he would want to do later.

[rocio]

This kind of approach to a relationship is just going to frustrate both parties. If you pretend to agree to something for the sake of avoiding conflict, then your partner is going to feel confused and annoyed when they later find out you didn't mean it.