I am shallow and I didn't know it.

[Anna.]

My long-term make-up/break-up boyfriend/daughter's father has always had long, long hair. I mean it fell to his waist. And it was beautiful. I mean gorgeous, like it hung in loose, mahogoney ringlets. Anyway, he cut it. He got a bad haircut. He looks ridiculous, b/c it's curling, and it looks like your grandma's hairstyle. He's also had this medical issue on his lower back, that was not his fault, but it has caused our sex life to become non-existent.

 

So, I've been having sexy dreams...about another man. And it made me remember what it feels like to really be attracted to someone. And I'm not to my guy. I mean it's one of the reasons for my last post about wanting to break up. But I looked at old pictures and he looked soooo sexy. I mean he looked exponentially better. He has gained weight as well. So he has this stupid haircut, this odd thing on his back and he's gained like 30 lbs. I AM SO SHALLOW!!!!!! These are issues that I should be able to overlook. And I'm not even beautiful and skinny, so why the heck am I being so turned off by his freaking hair and a little weight?

 

There are real issues that are still in the way in our relationship. I should be worried about those. But I'm sitting here thinking about how bad I want to be attracted to somebody, anybody. I am so incredibly starved for some affection and romance as it is in our relationship, but somehow it was ok as long as I found him sexy?

 

I'm confused. Someone please help me. And be harsh if necessary.

[resilient7]

I think you gotta find ways to rekindle what you once had,find ways to spark the flame.try not to focus much on his appearance and talk to him about this.Ha,you're not shallow btw,You need to have that visual stimulation as well to get you going,no harm in wanting that,balanced of course.

[alli]

I'm not saying it's right, but I know where you're coming from. I like how my husband looks more when he has facial hair. He's a couple years younger than me and he looks waaay younger with a clean shave. Also, he has kind of a small chin and a big nose and the facial hair makes his face a little more proportional I think. But he joined the military when I had deployed so now he shaves a lot more. He also seems to think being a skinny guy is attractive (yeah, not being overweight is good, but again it just makes him look younger. I'm 26 & he could easily pass for 18 these days I think. So there are other things that I'm not happy with, and throw in the fact that physical attraction is lacking and it makes you wonder what the benefit is in staying. But you also feel like you can't say anything about the physical attraction thing, because that's being shallow. Doesn't mean you can force the attraction though.

 

The only thing I can really say is, take your time in making this decision. Kind of hard to get something back if you change your mind. The bad things you can say off the top of your head, but you have to make yourself remember the good things too, not take them for granted and remember that they don't automatically come with the next guy you date. Also remember that weight can be lost, and hair grows back. Pick out the things you feel are most important to change to make you happy and tell him about them. Give him a chance to make changes.

[Kitkat973]

I don't think it's strange to have your attraction to someone fade when their appearance changes drastically, and it sounds like his has.

 

The rest of what you've said about your relationship though make it sound like this is more the straw tipping things over into fantasizing about someone else, instead of it being the real issue. Has he talked to his doctor about sexual positions or aids that might make it doable for you to have a sex life?

[whes]

I think the fact that a change in his outward appearance made such a huge difference to your attractions speaks more to the larger issues. Maybe it isn't about his hair or his weight at all, but rather something else that has been slowly building for a while.

[Anna.]

Thanks guys. I think ya'll are right, it wouldn't be such a big deal if there weren't larger issues looming.