Trying to find the real me

[CKS]

I've recently gone through a break up. Its only been a few days. At first I didn't think it was the right choice but now I see that it is. However, I am at a crossroads right now. I've been in relationships since i was 12. Im 25 now. I've been single maybe 3 years combined. I've realized that i am dependent on boyfriends and that I actually have shaped myself according to what they wanted. I am not my own person. From the color of my hair, down to the music i like, none of its my choosing. I am upset at myself for letting this happen. I have no idea where to begin. If anyone can give some insight i'd greatly appreciate it. I'm just trying to find myself and i desperately need help starting this process.

[myhonestanswer]

The most important thing is that you have realised you weren't living for yourself. Now you can start! Don't be scared, don't regret your life up until now, it's all brought you to this place, and that's good.

 

Don't think about time that you've 'wasted' (for one thing, it wasn't wasted, you were living life, gaining experiences, and presumably, enjoying some of it), focus on the future. Start to learn what you do and don't like. Try new foods. Visit new places. When you hear a song you like on the radio, note it down and buy the album. Over time you'll start to build up a collection of taste, music, favourite places that are really yours.

 

Base your decisions on what you think, not on what you think other people will think. It's hard to do, and it takes practice. For example, if you are about to dye your hair, think, why am I doing this? What am I hoping to achieve? That people will think I'm x? (eg, fun blonde, serious brunetter, or whatever). Question everything you do, quietly, to yourself, and if you realise you are doing it for any other reason that just because -you want to-, stop, and don't do it. You can always do it tomorrow if you decide you would like to.

 

I hope this helps.

[whes]

Ever heard of the bucket list? It's a list of every single thing you've ever wanted to do or try before you die. Start making a list (it gets pretty long!) and start doing some of those things! What better way to start living for yourself?

[ferna3069]

wow i was actualy about to make a thread about this tomorow. i like you changed myself comepletly since i was with my ex. i thought of every single thing i was before my ex and what i became after. to start out with change the way you look watch movies go out, look at the way people dress. choose what kind of cloth and hair style you like and start changing yourself into the style you like. listen to all kinds of music.thats something i did. look at the genres and when u get a song that gets stuck in your head write down the name of the song or the lyrycs. and get the song. when u go out think of everything u will like to do and get to doing it.

 

i been working on myself to. i whent from been comply nice and funny to just changing the way i am .

[CKS]

Thanks for the suggestions! I am really truly scared. I'm starting to go into a career that is scary as well and not knowing who I am concerns me.. It is making me think twice about this career choice.... did i really choose it or did someone influence me?? At times, i think that it is a definite yes. That this is what i was meant for, then on the other hand i have feelings that i just chose this to show my ex's that I can do it and i'm not a failure in life. So scary.

 

 

When my ex and I broke up, he said all he wanted was for me to be my own person. He was the first person to notice that I wasn't. I do thank him for that. I guess i'm just having difficulties because, I know what he likes, and since we are broken up i'm afraid i'll be one of those girls that turns into the "perfect gf" after the break up. You know, where you finally do, act, and look like what your ex wanted you to... I've done it before and all my previous ex's always said, " how come when we break up, you become the person I wanted" So i dont want to do that out of spite!!

 

If someone can tell me how I go about that, that would be helpful

[penelope13]

Whenever you need to make a decision/choice - don't think about what an ex would have wanted. Stop yourself as soon as you realize that is what you are thinking about. If you can afford it, don't make any decisions until you know it's what you want.

 

Otherwise I can only recommend to take it one day after the other. Give yourself time to discover yourself

[missljs]

OMG i am in exactly the same position! I have been dating constantly since i was 15, i am now 22. I no how you feel trust me your not alone. I recently split with my recent bf of 2 years, and my life was him, everything was what he liked, what movies he wanted to watch, what music he wanted to listen to. My life became about making him happy and not myself! I would always put him first and never myself, being honest i let him walk all over me. We are now on a break and I want to become strong again, for myself, i want to be in control and if we do get back together i want to be my own person. I just dont no wer to start. Its hard!

[whes]

When my ex and I broke up, he said all he wanted was for me to be my own person. He was the first person to notice that I wasn't. I do thank him for that. I guess i'm just having difficulties because, I know what he likes, and since we are broken up i'm afraid i'll be one of those girls that turns into the "perfect gf" after the break up. You know, where you finally do, act, and look like what your ex wanted you to... I've done it before and all my previous ex's always said, " how come when we break up, you become the person I wanted" So i dont want to do that out of spite!!

 

If someone can tell me how I go about that, that would be helpful

 

Maybe you become the girl he wanted in the first place because after you broke up, you starting acting like yourself again. And maybe that was the girl he saw in the first place, the girl who changed into something else after you started dating, someone who was trying too hard to please instead of making her own decisions.

 

Think about it like a series of cogs. When you are on your own, you are at the centre of your own cog, spinning arond, moving other pieces by connecting with them. But then when you are with someone, you turn into a smaller cog on top of them, and have them at the centre of your life instead of you. What it could look like is when there are two cogs spinning on their own, but are rotating each other by fitting together and connecting.

 

So much of the time, when I am with someone, I have to fight to keep my independence. Not because the guy I'm with is taking it, but because I am giving it to him. And most of the time, he doesn't want my independence. He's with me because he liked who he saw when we first started dating and not the person I would become.

 

So take the time now to figure out how you like to live your life. And keep living that life regardless of who enters into it. Once you are married to someone, that is when your choices start to affect the other. But before that, you should always make your choices for yourself based on what you think is the best for you.

[meoww]

Wow, it seems like there are a lot of us out there.

 

Since working on myself, I'm so much happier with who I am and it's changed my life completely. I'm not sure where it's all going to lead but sometimes it does make me sad thinking that my ex would have loved the person I have become so much more than the person he met 2 years ago. Hopefully I can find a good person in the future and make it work. I can honestly say that is not my priority at the moment.

 

I still feel terrible about the years I wasted not taking care of myself though.

I'm 25 too! I think we're lucky we caught it relatively early. People of our parents generation seem so much unhappier and a lot of them don't even bother to improve their lives.