60 Day No Contact Challenge

[Mellie]

Ok. I spoke to my ex tonight. And I feel pretty good about it. He's not the monster I blew him up in my head to be (because obviously I am a vision of perfection so therefore he must be the devil incarnate). Yes, I asked about the breakup *slaps wrist* naughty, naughty me. But (pretty surprising actually, I wasn't really expecting to), I got answers that made sense - didn't even sting - just brought me a bit of peace.

 

We broke up 3 weeks ago. I disabled a website I built for him yesterday (see - vision of perfection I am) out of a fit of anger. So he got in touch today. He said he doesn't care about the site, just wanted to make sure I'm alright.

 

He says he still loves me and still misses me. We were in an LDR and it has been tough this year. Last time I was there (a certain Arab country) a revolution started up. There were people with guns out on the streets and frankly, my nerves were pretty frayed. I was really * * * * ty with him the one day, and he explained tonight he's never really gotten over it. I can pinpoint to that moment he started drifting away. And actually, I don't think he's ready to settle down. When I asked him about this he said he isn't sure he is either.

 

So anyhoo, I've been reading It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. It's an excellent book if anyone's looking for reading material. I think in just purchasing the thing I made a huge leap in accepting this might actually apply to me They recommend that you tell your ex, nicely, you're going into NC and they mustn't contact you for 60 days. So when I said this tonight, I was kind of surprised (having broken up 3 weeks ago and not really heard a lot from him) when he said can't you just text now and again to let me know you're ok. I did explain that I don't plan on dying anytime soon and, after all, I've done ok this past 33 years. If you're planning to spend the rest of your life apart, really, 60 days isn't much to worry about.

 

Anyway, I do still love him (clearly, or I wouldn't be posting in this forum), but when I said goodbye tonight, it kind of felt good. Because now I feel like I can really start getting on with things (I've done an ok job in the past week but the previous 2 were pretty pitiful). Yes, it gives them chance to realise what you not being in their life is going to be like. And part of me wants him to draw the conclusion he's made a mistake BUT equally, I'm oddly excited about these 60 days because I can start to get back to me being me. I don't have to check my email every couple of hours - I know there won't be anything there. I no longer feel I need to keep searching for answers. I've felt so neurotic and helpless these past few weeks, and it feels like all of this has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

They also recommend keeping a journal (really, can't recommend this book enough) to help you purge your emotions and put down the good and bad points, so that given some distance you can make a more objective evaluation.

 

So yes, I am still here, in the Not Quite Accepted We Ain't Getting Back Together Forum, but I'm trying to work my way out. I'm pretty excited actually. Thinking about it, theres a lot of things I want to work on and need to improve in my life, to make it happier, not for the sake of a SO, but for me. Actually, there is SO much I want to do.

 

I just sat out on my balcony looking out at the sea, and saw it with new eyes. I used to think that sea led to another sea, that led to a river, that led to a sea that led me to him. Now it looks different. That's my sea out there, and it leads to a whole new world where the possibilities are inifite.

 

Meh, anyway. Just thought I'd share.

[DylanNotorious]

But your not really moving on. You've allowed yourself 60 days only.

 

Seems kinda silly that you would tell him about your 60 day plan. He will just wait around for 60 days and maybe date other people in the mean-time. He won't be worried, because in 60 days he knows it's all back on.

[ferna3069]

all i can say is dont give it time because it will only give u hope. just work on yourself and your healing. trust me i was there. i gave it time ad it only made me stay in limboo

[LaKings55]

60? Try 90, 120, 150...forever! NC, combined with everything I did for myself starting in March just a few days post break-up, got me over it really fast. I can't believe how genuinely happy and positive I feel now. These past few weeks have truly felt great. I find myself occasionally thinking about her, pushing her out of mine, all with indifference and apathy. I literally feel nothing for her anymore. Bitterness still bubbles up occasionally, but I neither love her nor hate her. Even as I write this, it feels like I'm talking about a stranger. Now I'm just thankful that I didn't invest more time. Now I'm free to pursue my dreams, and find a fantastic woman who will actually bring great things into my life.

[Mellie]

@Dylan - I don't really get what you're saying. He broke up with me. He is entitled to date other people if he wishes, as am I. On the basis that he broke up with me, and seemed pretty sure about it, I don't anticipate he's going to be waiting around all the 60 days nor will he know it's "back on" after 60 days. Sure, maybe part of me wants that to happen - doesn't mean I think it's going to. And note, that's only a part of me. Two weeks ago all of me was screaming and wailing and crying out for that to happen. Now it's just a part because I'm starting to see that the relationship was not without it's difficulties, some of those pretty substantial. I didn't say please can we take a break for 60 days. It's already broke.

 

The point is, we tried NC forever, but when you're used to talking to someone everyday, it wasn't that easy and we broke it a few times out of worry. And the idea of point blank never hearing from each other ever again is pretty overwhelming (it wasn't a nasty breakup). So LAKings - you are right - 60, 90, 120, 150 - but I prefer the babysteps route. Maybe after 60 days neither one will want to contact the other. But to flat out tell someone you had a longterm relationship with, you loved and who loved you, who didn't do anything ugly to hurt you just didn't want to be in the relationship anymore, to flat out never contact you again - it sounds a little melodramatic, no? Almost manipulative. If you won't be in this relationship with me anymore, I'm never going to speak to you, ever again. Now it may be, in fact, that we never do speak again, but I'm starting to see the sense in not burning bridges.

 

So now, yes, I'm going to concentrate on me - think about all the things I want to do with my life (I'm thinking about changing careers and I want to take a trip away), I've organised some voluntary work, getting out there and meeting new people. Fake it til you make it - it always worked for me in the past.

 

I just felt a sense of closure after the conversation last night - I got the answers I was looking for. I just wanted to share bit of positivity.

[carrie8484]

Mellie, do you want to do the NC challenge with me? Im on Day 2. Ive also read the ''Break up because its broken book'' and ive ordered abandonment to healing from amazon. It'd be good to have someone else to do a NC challenge with, as Im pathetic at it on my own

[LaKings55]

Why does it have to be melodramatic? Who has to say anything? There's no point in saying "Never speak to me again!" Just forget about them. Do you think I wasn't in love? Do you think my ex and I didn't say that we loved each other everyday? Not once during the relationship did we do anything to hurt each other. Yet somehow we both walked away p***** off. I keep seeing this "don't burn bridges" thing, and I don't get it. I can understand when you leave a job that it makes sense to go out on a high note and keep in touch for recommendations, but there are points in your life where you need to cut certain people out. Maybe, just maybe I can see keeping someone in my life if we had a peaceful break-up. But in my experiences, break-ups are never peaceful. Were you the dumper or the dumpee?

[Mellie]

Carrie - good for you It's a good read isn't it? Yes, by all means PM me anytime

 

LaKings, I'm not having a pop at anyone whose in the NC all the way camp. I've been in that boat before, as the dumper and the dumpee. As the dumper, I initially tried the "let's still be friends" thing, but got tired of it in the end because the continuing relationship had nothing to do with friendship, it was just the person I broke up with keep making attempt after attempt to talk me out of a decision that was concrete in my mind, and it isn't nice to see someone you once loved keep throwing themself against a brick wall.

 

As the dumpee in the past, I've gone for permanent NC once I'd accepted it was over. It actually doesn't matter whether you vocalise it, if they want to get in touch, they will do whatever you've said. You just have to decide what to do in that case. Now in this past case scenario I'm giving you, this guy was a real ass and the ending was brutal. So when he started contacting me months later and flip flapping around, I was more than happy to say don't contact me again.

 

In my current situation, I'm the dumpee. It would be stretching it to say it was peaceful. I had a lot of anger and resentment at being abandonned, but it wasn't done in a malicious or nasty way. And after we spoke last night and he explained how he felt, I just don't feel that anger anymore. I feel pretty calm about it all, even, oddly - I don't know - happy is stretching it, but at least now I can remember the good times without feeling like someone just stuck a knife into my chest.

 

So no, I don't have a big wall chart on my pinboard counting off the days til I'm allowed to contact him again. I've just come to an understanding in my own mind that there really isn't anymore to say. Now next week I might change my mind and want to reach out to him, there are bound to be moments of weakness, but in setting a limit rather than sticking with infinite NC, I can stop, give myself a good shake, and make myself wait until that deadline's expired. In the interim, as I say, I'm making it all about me though, and as I say there are 1001 things I want to do, and I've no doubt in doing them, that'll take me further and further out of the duldrums I've been in. Take the focus off him and onto me and what I need to do to put my own house in order.

 

It's like an addiction. Some people are fine with going cold turkey, more power to you, and in the end the outcome is the same - you have to give it up. But for me, the idea of that in itself is too scary. So I'm taking babysteps. I'm saying for the next two months, don't put that thing in front of me. Because whenever he reached out to see how I was doing, I was back to wondering if I could put it all right. But I can't. I have all my answers. There's no fog of uncertainty anymore. So I can concentrate my efforts on something I can make a difference too, rather than pouring them all down the drain.

 

I used to see everything in black and white. You're either with me or against me, therefore, if you're not with me, you must be against me - stay the hell out of my life, yadda yadda. But I don't feel so angry anymore. It takes too much out of me being angry. I've closed the door if you like, but I'm not bolting it shut. I don't think the person on the other side of it was a monster. We just wanted different things. It's almost certain we'll both trundle off in separate directions. But at least now we can do it with no ghosts or animosity.

[ngu11]

You know what I think...i think It's a great plan! You're doing something positive i.e. deciding to get some distance for a couple of months. In that time you will become stronger and probably change your total mindset! As you are choosing to do this with faith for a future for the 2 of you, you are likely only to act proactively. Let's see what your mindset is in 2 months...who you're possibly dating and how good you feel.

 

Go girl...100% behind you.

 

I don't think it will necessarily bring him back...but at least it will bring you back!! The journal is a great idea too...easy to fill in the first few days but I guess you'll slack off it a little as your life becomes filled with new stuff...I tell you what, I'll join you on this little journey!