rbsx Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 A few days ago, I was chatting with someone who I dated for a while. We'd simply reached an impasse in our relationship, didn't see eye to eye and weren't on the same page. I received a * * * * * y email from her basically saying she didn't want to talk about the topic anymore. Granted, I understand that. Basically, she stated what she wanted out of our relationship going forward, and I told her why it wouldn't work. Basically that she can't emotionally unload on me, because it makes it hard to be her friend. Ultimately I got the 'Well I guess this just isn't going to work' message. Fine, okay cool, and then I tried to get a hold of her and said 'Look, okay, I can't be there for you in the way you want to be, I can't mix the role of the guy you're dating and therefore emotionally involved with, with the role of a friend. The roles don't mix. I can't be an impartial, helpful friend, if I'm constantly being unloaded on. If what you're saying is that you don't want to hear from me again, please let me know so I can waste as little time as possible wondering about this and we can move on.' That's great, she was responding instantly to what I was saying via text, right up until I asked for some clarity. It's a yes or no question lady! It's not that hard! Just answer it and let the rest of us move on with our lives! Link to comment
rosephase Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 It's not a "yes" or "no" question. It's a loaded question that she needs to think about hard because the results sound final. Does she want to figure out how to be in a friendship with you that works for both of you? Is she attached to the relationship the way it is now? Is she scared of losing you form her life completely? You didn't ask her something simple. You asked her what do you want A or B and probably she doesn't want A or B she wants something else or doesn't know what she wants and with the weight of you not being in her life at all as one of the results and you adding pressure like it's an easy simple choice probably overwhelmed her. Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 It's not a "yes" or "no" question. It's a loaded question that she needs to think about hard because the results sound final. Does she want to figure out how to be in a friendship with you that works for both of you? Is she attached to the relationship the way it is now? Is she scared of losing you form her life completely? You didn't ask her something simple. You asked her what do you want A or B and probably she doesn't want A or B she wants something else or doesn't know what she wants and with the weight of you not being in her life at all as one of the results and you adding pressure like it's an easy simple choice probably overwhelmed her. I basically capitulated to what she wanted. But told her how we can achieve what we both kinda want. The problem is she's still attracted to me (her words, not mine). The problem with our relationship is the past is that she unloads on me every so often about our relationship, but at the same time expects me to be able to be a good friend after, not recognizing that when she unloads on me about how much fun she had with me and how she misses me, I get kicked back into 'boyfriend-o' mode. The problem is I've really pissed her off the last week because I kept on telling her why I couldn't be friends with her, but did it in a very ineffective, immature way. I think she's really peeved. I basically told her that we could be friends, if she promised to never bring what we had up, ever again, she can't have it both ways. Link to comment
rosephase Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 What about her talking about you past relationship makes you uncomfortable? Do you still want to be with her? What does "unload" mean specifically? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 It sounds like you have moved on and she has not. People can not be friends in that situation. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Quite simply that isnt the response that she wanted, she was expecting something more out of you than what she got. I doubt that she will responsd to your statement. Give the girl some time to heal and see if you can re-establish a friendship at some later point. Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 What about her talking about you past relationship makes you uncomfortable? Do you still want to be with her? What does "unload" mean specifically? It ended badly, she left because her family was going to lose their house. Then I offered to move to where she was, she couldn't make a decision, and then just started dating someone. There's a lot more too it than that, such as 6 months after all this she called me still saying she thinks about it. It's fine and dandy that she thinks that, but we will go every few months without talking, then she'll call me out of no where in tears. It isn't cool, and she unloads all the blame for it onto my shoulders. I already have my fair share of regrets about everything that happened, I don't need it reopened. Then after that she wants to be friends, sorry you can't unload on someone like that and just segway into being friends. Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Quite simply that isnt the response that she wanted, she was expecting something more out of you than what she got. I doubt that she will responsd to your statement. Give the girl some time to heal and see if you can re-establish a friendship at some later point. Well she doesn't want to be in a relationship. So I guess what she wanted was a friendship where I gave no thought to how I feel about anything. I can't be a counselor for her problems, and keep myself emotionally objective enough to be her friend. Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 It sounds like you have moved on and she has not. People can not be friends in that situation. I think I haven't moved on, or at least that is what she thinks about me. I think the deal is more like this: I know what my limitations and boundaries are. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Ok then I only see two choices here. 1. You be what I call " tomato plants and weather friends" those friends say hi once in a blue moon and discuss what is completely unimportant to anything and then part ways for another couple months. Basically what is achieved is that you know the other is alive. Or 2. Call it a day, because she is getting hurt and so are you. That is not friendship. Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Ok then I only see two choices here. 1. You be what I call " tomato plants and weather friends" those friends say hi once in a blue moon and discuss what is completely unimportant to anything and then part ways for another couple months. Basically what is achieved is that you know the other is alive. Or 2. Call it a day, because she is getting hurt and so are you. That is not friendship. Yeah she said (before she imploded) she still wanted to take trips with me and see my family and stuff. Yeah that doesn't work so well when she has blamed everything on me again. I can only be friends with her if she doesn't unload on me, and she doesn't seem to be responsive to that. FML, it's such a catch-22 Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 It sounds to me though like it has to be friendship YOUR way. I will be friends with you if you do X. And she is telling you she can not have a friendship that way because she still feels the need to express and then you get your back up and say again, I can only be your friend if you do X. That is a stale mate. It is a static friendship going no place. Those friendships are usually more agony than they are worth. They take away all the joy of everything you ever enjoyed in the relationship and you eventually despise each other. Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 It sounds to me though like it has to be friendship YOUR way. I will be friends with you if you do X. And she is telling you she can not have a friendship that way because she still feels the need to express and then you get your back up and say again, I can only be your friend if you do X. That is a stale mate. It is a static friendship going no place. Those friendships are usually more agony than they are worth. They take away all the joy of everything you ever enjoyed in the relationship and you eventually despise each other. Well actually it's kind of backwards. She unloads on me, then she pretends to be all friendly. When she unloads, I get pissed off and I get cathartic because I'm still pissed off. The only way a friendship will work, is if she doesn't start this chain of events by venting on me. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Well which ever way it happens the result is still the same, right? She wants to be heard and you feel you are being infringed upon having to hear her. It is still a friendship going no place. Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Well which ever way it happens the result is still the same, right? She wants to be heard and you feel you are being infringed upon having to hear her. It is still a friendship going no place. Well it's worse than that, I feel infringed upon, then I flip out at her for making me relive this. Funnily enough, she's always walks up to the precipice, but never falls off the side. She'll invite me to take a trip with her, she'll say she'll call, she says she doesn't want to talk to me, and then doesn't do it. The fact that I can't get a straight answer from her leads me to believe she's just pissed off at the moment, but would still like to try and work things out. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Well she can not let go either, that is why there is this run around. Sometimes she wants to let go and then sometimes not. Sometimes it is just better to get off the pot and let go. Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Well she can not let go either, that is why there is this run around. Sometimes she wants to let go and then sometimes not. Sometimes it is just better to get off the pot and let go. 14 months and counting. She told me off on Thursday, and I specifically asked her if she just wanted to not talk to me. I haven't heard back. Link to comment
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