Wait. Am I blowing this out of proportion?

[mustard1234]

Dating the man of my literal, actual dreams for 3 months.

 

Found out that for over 2 weeks last month he was having very flirtatious conversation via text with a girl he randomly met at a party. (God, I'm getting nauseous typing this. Honestly) He called her pretty, both parties *acknowledged* the line of conversation as flirtatious, she invited him out, he said he'd "really like to spend time with her" and so forth. She ended up canceling at the last minute. He didn't reschedule and stopped the conversation with her completely right after that.

 

Nothing "dirty" was said, and as far as I can tell, they never met up. I found out when I was borrowing his phone a week or two after the enchanges stopped. My cell was on the blink and he was at band rehearsal. Absolutely freaked out, cried, screamed...yeah, the whole nine.

 

He b-e-g-g-e-d me not to leave, admitted to it, said he was sorry and so forth. His biggest defense is that he never touched her. My biggest area of hurt is that this was two weeks of ongoing connection with some random chick while he had a girlfriend (this would be the very indignant me). That's not one night, that's not a slip up. That's like...damn near pre-meditated.

 

I went on for about a week thinking that I could make it work but the insecurities and fear sunk me along with him continuing to smoke weed after he'd told me that he was stopping. (Yes, I'm a prude but the main reason it was a deal breaker is that he's on probation and a dirty test = 15 years in jail. Period. Super irresponsible). I found him stoned off his butt one night and just broke it off right there. But now I'm absolutely effing miserable.

 

I didn't stop caring for him. He's still gorgeous. I still think he's a great person. He's still sorry. I'm the one who walked. I miss him every day and literally can't sit still the pain is so great. I wake up every morning and cry...it's quite pathetic, actually.

 

Maybe I'm looking for confirmation that I did the right thing.

Maybe I'm looking for a reason to go running to his door telling him I made a mistake.

 

I guess, though, that I just really need to hear from someone on this.

Never been in this much pain, ever. This was supposed to be "it". Ugh.

[lavenderdove]

>>he's on probation and a dirty test = 15 years in jail. Period. Super irresponsible

 

Sure, he's gorgeous, but he's got drug issues, legal issues, and is sneaking around behind your back with other girls. He may not have cheated, but possibly only because she shut him down first.

 

He doesn't sound like the 'man of your dreams' with these significant issues involved. You were very attracted to him and still in the honeymoon stage where you have these intense feelings/hormones, so it is hard to let go, BUT he certainly skyrocketed you out of bliss by chasing another women and all his drug/legal problems. He wasn't perfect, he was just exciting and attractive. That alone won't make for a good permanent relationship.

[DieTeufelKatze]

I think part of the trouble is that you appear to have put him on a pedestal right from the get-go... never a good idea. Having that mindset will always color your perceptions of someone, hence his smoking pot while on probation, and that is probably just the tip of the iceburg in terms of irresponsible behavior. Seriously, the "man of your dreams" has been to jail already? And he flirts/plans to meet up with other girls when you're in a so-called relationship with him? Come on... raise your standards a little hon. He doesn't sound like all that great a guy, no matter how good looking or charming.

 

Had you explicitly had the "exclusivity" talk before he had the convo with the other girl?

[XxJustMexX]

For me, the dealbreaker would be that he had an emotional attachment to someone else while with you. I know he said that he "didn't touch". I know everyone is different, but to me, he cheated emotionally, which to me is as bad as cheating physically. If he's capable of going past innocent flirting, then I too would have insecurities and doubts like you do. Trust is the #1 thing for me in relationships and if I can't trust a man to give me his all without looking for other women to hook up with, then off to the gutter he goes.

 

Also, I don't know him but I'm pretty sure he would have met up with her if she didn't break it off... no? His apologizing is because he got caught. Also like you said, it was pre-meditated... He had intent. He intended to go meet up with her, which is proof enough for me to leave him. For me it doesn't take exchanging bodily fluids for them to prove to me he's not worth it... intent is enough for me.

[mustard1234]

@DTK

 

Yes, it was beyond explicitly and completely, crystal, flaming clear that we were both spoken for.

 

Honestly, the jail didn't bother me because it was more than 2 years ago and the past is the past. My biggest justification was always "well...he's never done anything shady to me in the time I've known him so, this will be fine".

 

(sigh)

[HeartGoesOn]

Don't sell yourself short, he's an adult who knows right from wrong. Despite his weak "defense," he knew he was crossing a line while in contact with that girl, and right there he took away that bond of trust that either makes or breaks a relationship.

 

I'm sure that he'll remain"still gorgeous," as well as "still sorry" but, that will never change the choice he made. I'm sorry you're in pain, and hopefully you'll work your way through this.

 

Take care...

[mustard1234]

@ JustMe

 

Trust is the #1 thing for me in relationships and if I can't trust a man to give me his all without looking for other women to hook up with, then off to the gutter he goes.

 

That one hit me in the gut. It's true. The thing I kept wailing for two hours as I was dealing with finding out was the recurring thought "I gave him everything". Really, I had all my eggs in this basket and it's so amazingly hurtful that he was either so careless or so uninvested that I was essentially in a one sided stage reading of "Dedication" lol.

 

Ugh. What I want more than anything is to just scrub this out. I'm not sure whether I'd rather never have known or not. I've dealt with a lot, and I mean a lot, of man drama before but I've never been cheated on. It's amazingly painful. Wow.

[mustard1234]

@lavender

 

He may not have cheated, but possibly only because she shut him down first...He wasn't perfect, he was just exciting and attractive.

 

 

That's the other part that's killing me. I can't stand it that the only reason he didn't meet up with her...which would've involved lying to me and making the jump to a physical relationship between them...was HER backing out.

 

Oh my God. I just started crying. Wow, lady get it together.

 

I still, even now, can't even see that other men exist. Since the day I met him, literally every other man disappeared on the planet for me. It's making my feel like a damn fool that this was one-sided. Ugh. Tell me this won't suck this badly forever.

[mustard1234]

@Heart

 

he's an adult who knows right from wrong...he took away that bond of trust that either makes or breaks a relationship.

 

You're right. He knows apples from oranges and the thing I have to deal with is that he *chose* to deal unfairly. I can be hurt and shocked and upset by his choices, but it doesn't change them. It's up to me to decide if those are conditions under which I could keep dating him and the ultimate choice was that, no, I could not.

 

Slicing, dicing and whining over it dowsn't change...I wasn't important enough to him to stay on the up and up.

 

Ouch. True. But, effing...ouch.

[Staple]

Whatever you do, STAY AWAY FROM HIM. I found similar texts that my nasty ex had with the guy she eventually cheated on me with anyways. Stay away from freaks like that, save yourself the pain.

[Batya33]

Ick. And also ick that you refer to yourself as a prude because you have issues with his illegal drug use/abuse? Please. You deserve so much better and you know that. You'll notice other men again, but hopefully take notice of how special you are and how this guy doesn't deserve you much less to be put on a pedestal.

[mustard1234]

save yourself the pain.

 

Oh, man. You sound burnt. I'm sorry that someone put you through so much pain. I'm definitely heeding the advice. It's been really validating to at least hear that I'm on the right track. I still feel a bit ashamed of how much this is hurting but...I know I just have to deal.

 

At least I can work on getting over it instead of doubting myself/pining over him/staying uncertain that I've made the right choice. I'm used to getting left...not leaving. The indecision or not wanting to let go part made this amazingly hurtful and complicated.

 

But, honestly, when he made the choices he made...he walked away from a healthy relationship...and I can't disrespect myself so much that I endorse that as okay.

 

Got it. Walking.

 

Hurting, really badly, but walking.

[mustard1234]

Ick.

 

Hahahaha. Whenever I'm lucky enough to warrant a response from Batya, I count my blessings because it's for sure gonna be the sharp-shooter truth...no chaser.

 

I know, friend, I know. Really have been working to get out of my patterns of accepting bullish behavior from men "on credit" that they'll start treating me better further down the line or that they're "really a great guy" just this instance of treating me poorly was a fluke or that their jawline/bank account/wit/ability to help old ladies cross the street/bedroom prowess make up for it...um, it doesn't. Not at all, actually.

 

And it's not going to get better. Ever.

 

The biggest thing I'm learning is you get CLEAR signs from people of what's in store. It's your job to see that information, weigh it, and *believe* it. They may not be huge signs but there has never been a time of man-induced pain that wasn't preceded by clear and blatant indices of immaturity, disrespect, irresponsibility and like...even flat out disinterest in a smaller way before the 'big heartbreaking event' that sends me back crying to ENA.

 

No one is going to walk up to you and say "Hey. I'm a jackoff." Dangerous situations do not come with adjusted lighting and music cues to help you. It's my job to practice discernment and absolute care when dealing with my heart. Just because I know my intentions are good and I'm capable of being careful with someone' strust DOES NOT mean that everyone else is.

 

 

The revelatory thing that I think I'm about to realize is: Nice guys don't act like asholes. Ever. Especially to girls they're trying to be with. Men who actually want you are not ambivalent. Ever. Mature and clear people do not give seriously mixed signals. Ever. When a partner does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, you feel bad for a reason...listen to it. Run.

 

It's not my job to go on a witch hunt for men trying to do me wrong but it *is* my job to make sure that no matter how pretty he is, how much chemisty we have, how many boxes on the 'perfect man' scale he hits...that I bail at the FIRST sign of not being treated with respect and care. The first time. No excuses or pining or guessing. Because I obsess and excuse and justify...a lot. The only thing that results from lowering my standards to keep people in the game...is shtty players in my ring. Period.

 

This is the vital and capitol lesson that I think I've finally absorbed. I w-a-l-k at the first sign of crap. Period. No matter what.

 

Hey, look guys, progress.

[Brownstone322]

Honestly, the jail didn't bother me because it was more than 2 years ago and the past is the past. My biggest justification was always "well...he's never done anything shady to me in the time I've known him so, this will be fine".

It's called "background." You haven't known the guy for very long, and what other indicator do you have of his character or future behavior?

 

I believe in giving people a fair chance, but I think you're wearing rose-colored glasses.

[swampyankee]

Not to sidetrack this thread but does this really happen:

 

Since the day I met him, literally every other man disappeared on the planet for me.

 

If so, then there is hope that how I feel about my girlfriend (as above) is how she feels about me.

 

And to bring things back on track - A good friend once told me he had been through a long, one-sided relationship ending in divorce. He realized there are 3 things required to have a love that will last a lifetime - Adoration, Admiration and Respect. No matter what other qualities a person might have, if you can't see those 3 things in their eyes (or their behavior) then it's time to move on.

[mustard1234]

Hi.

 

So, in the past month there's been some massive self-work going on:

 

-Started seeing a therapist

-Started going to Codependent's Anonymous meetings

-(Re)Evaluated what I want to do with my life...and (re)started my path to clearly, seriously doing it. Score.

-Temporarily relocated to a different state.

-Exercising and eating well. Yeah, now I'm just bragging...

-Have not spoken to the man in question in any way, any form, any fashion.

 

 

The thing is, I still miss him. Tremendously. I feel the void of our dynamic every day. I don't think he's a bad person. Maybe not someone I should be currently dating, but not a bad person. When we parted he asked several times to stay in touch and I said quote "No, no hell-to-the-naw." and he's been respectful of my space. I know for certain that breaking up was a good idea. My head was not in the right space. I was putting way too much pressure and importance on our relationship. And he was being an immature dik. It was wildly imbalanced and not healthy for either of us. Understood.

 

I do, however, feel compelled to reach out to him. Say hi. Ask how he's doing. Tell him I'm moving back home soon. (home as in California, not specifically our old place. At all. lol) Be truthful and tell him I miss him. Why? There's an epic country song quote I could insert here, but I'll spare us all. It's because I want to talk to him. I know he won't have a problem with me talking to him. So, I will. The most important things I'm learning through my therapy process are:

 

a) I need to decide who, what and where my life touches. It is fully my prerogative. It's silly but for my entire life I have lived completely for what other people might think or say. Not everyone, but just those close to me. I mean completely, every aspect of my life. I have kept a cycle of low self esteem by literally telling myself that I can't make a choice. Or that I can't rely on myself to make a good choices. Or that my thoughts on what I want to do are invalid. Outside approval has always been more important than what *I* wanted to do. Looking at my history, I've honestly used ENA as a Magic8 Ball, responsibility abdication by-way-of-default-consensus tool. Not really interested in doing that anymore.

 

b) I have to make choices that I can live with. If I get myself into the shet due to one of these acts of big, bad autonomy, *I* am the only one who is left to deal with the fallout. I am the only one who can dig myself out. Ergo, I need to be damn careful about how I choose to exist. Making decisions based on what feels right, what I know I can handle and paying attention to the realities of the situation. Aside from my spirituality, there is no place to hide. No magic abdication station where I can place authority of my choices. No one can hold my hand through this fight called life or write me notes to be excused from detention. I've spent my entire adulthood looking for such a place to hide. It doesn't exist. That was a big'un on the revelation scale.

 

It is an authentic, solid choice to not date him anymore.

It is an inauthentic, forced choice to completely shut him out of my life.

 

What do I want? In my heart of hearts? I would like for him to get his crap together and for us to start communicating, which could lead to us dating again in the future. BUT, more than that I want my self respect and peace of mind. I can't make him do anything. I don't want to try. I'm not going to ask him for a Round 2. I'm no longer going to play Adrienne to my wishful version of his non-existent Rocky like I once was. I'm going to let him know that I'm open to communicating with him and that I miss him. Then I'll be quite content to stay still and let the rest play itself out as it may. Or as it (very well) may not. I know what my boundaries and standards are: a sober man, in control of his issues who is committed to me in a dynamic of mutual love + respect.

 

I can accept that it may be him or it may not. I have preferences but I've let my soul stakes go from being ridiculously attached to any outcome. Opening the door just for talking, it feels authentic and like what I can handle and true to all parts of myself and my desires. If he wants to talk, he'll call me. If he wants to be sober, he'll be sober. If he wants to find me when I get back to California, he will. And, if he doesn't, well I can seriously say that I won't be existentially bothered. I'll be disappointed but I will be able to breathe freely and MOVE ON. If anything can be said for me, I am one carpe-diem a$s chick. I would rather put myself out there a bit and walk forward peacefully knowing that it was on the table and didn't work out than to feel like I didn't say something that was in my heart or honor my true intentions by making them known.

 

I'm waiting until Saturday to contact him. That'll be when the needle moves past the 30-day mark. Call me superstitious but I think that a month is enough time for me to figure out what I want to--briefly! nondramatically! casually!--say to him. Or if I want to say anything at all.

 

I feel very good about the introspective work I've done and it may not seem like much but even coming here and standing firm with my decision to you guys on ENA, it's doing a lot for my self esteem. Is it the best choice? Who knows. But it's my choice. I am confident that I can honor myself and be aware enough of myself to deal with whatever happens in a non-destructive manner. This, friends, is progress like a mofo.

 

Thanks for hearing me.

[Janeiac]

Dear mustard123, you definitely have it going on! I love what you are saying and how you are loving yourself.

 

I can understand what you mean by wanting to leave a door open for Mr. Magic Man. I know it "feels" right. But-- I think 31 days is too soon, and you are still plenty young enough that in the bigger picture this guy will fade into meaninglessness, no matter how you feel about him right now.

 

If however, you leave that door open so soon, he may walk through it and start pushing your buttons. How will he do this? He will do this by being Mr. Magic Man who instinctively, naturally, and deeply knows how to get to you.

 

Don't risk your happiness. Don't take a chance on him, right now-- leave all chances for yourself, and yourself only. He's the guy who hurt you. Don't give him another shot at your happiness.

 

If he gets himself together the way you wish he would, at some unknowable and unnameable future date, and he starts wooing you and showing you proof, that would be great, but it isn't likely to happen. Any thought at all on your part about it puts you on the slippery slope of settling, of trying to make another person be what you want in order to feel happy yourself, and of a general mess and more drama.

 

Ouch indeed, and no, it won't hurt like this forever. It gets smaller with distance, just like mountains in your rear view mirror fade into tiny specks on the horizon. Keep moving forward, you are doing great.

[Buccaneer]

The guy's a pothead, and he's the "man of your literal dreams"?

[mustard1234]

I can understand what you mean by wanting to leave a door open for Mr. Magic Man. I know it "feels" right. But-- I think 31 days is too soon, and you are still plenty young enough that in the bigger picture this guy will fade into meaninglessness, no matter how you feel about him right now.

 

If however, you leave that door open so soon, he may walk through it and start pushing your buttons. How will he do this? He will do this by being Mr. Magic Man who instinctively, naturally, and deeply knows how to get to you.

 

Don't risk your happiness. Don't take a chance on him, right now-- leave all chances for yourself, and yourself only. He's the guy who hurt you. Don't give him another shot at your happiness.

 

 

I appreciate your insight. I did end up contacting him by phone and email (no response on either count from him). I also found out he's dating someone else...already. These realities, though painful were the last little bit of D-Con/WeedKiller that I needed to get the hell over this.

 

Of course I still hurt. Of course the pain is real. But my desire for him, this little nugget of thought that somewhere deep inside he's this amazing man and I just didn't sing the right song to open the combination lock...those ideas are gone now. I don't care to speak to him. Not now, not later, not ever. For the first time since this all went down, I *desire* to get over it.

 

I'm not over it, in the slightest...but I at least can set my intention to let it go. This is friggin' huge.

 

Thanks again for your support and the good advice. You're right...any gambles I take from here on are for me. Only me.

[mustard1234]

The guy's a pothead, and he's the "man of your literal dreams"?

 

Haha. Touche. Let's get facts straight here, Buc:

 

He's a former heroin/oxycontin addict

Fresh out of jail

Who is currently a pothead

...despite being on probation

 

and, yes, he was the man of my literal dreams. What happened was, he lied. Period. There were a lot of things about him that he straight up mis represented or literally looked into my eyes and spoke words that had nothing to do with reality. For both our sakes, I'd like to think that he *thought* the way he told me about himself was true or he told me who he *wanted* to be. I'd like to not think it was malicious.

 

What further happened was that these lies began to unravel. Slowly, one piece at a time. Being attached to the particular color of green in his eyes, the "reformed bad boy" myth and my own loneliness...I closed my eyes, plugged my ears and said LA-LA-LA as the realities of his life and character came out in sharp contrast to the way he'd explained himself to me when we first started dating.

 

Then, there came a point where neither of us lying to me could stand up against the really-hard-to-watch truth that was coming through in his actions. Over and over and over.

 

...but yes, he was the literal man of my literal dreams. Emphasis on the part where I had to have my eyes shut to see him.

[Hopelives]

What happened was, he lied. Period. There were a lot of things about him that he straight up mis represented or literally looked into my eyes and spoke words that had nothing to do with reality.

This is ALWAYS the case of predatory men (and women). They'll look you straight in your eyes, mouth the words they want you to believe. You do because you're caring and kind, and are willing to overlook the obvious facts when they are presented.

 

I've been there. The wife of my ex is there now. The ex wife of my ex was there.

 

In your case, however, you are not willing to continue to wear blinders to who he really is, and who he really will be for a very long time. Kudos to you for walking away and vowing to never speak to him again. It hurts but the hurt in staying with a predator lasts far longer.